DESPERATE for advice. Is my DP being fair?

[LotusFlowerBomb]

* LONG POST*

My family consists of myself, DP, DD who is 2 years old & DS who is 11 months old. DP also has a daughter from his previous relationship who is 7 years old. We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem..... again as I said we have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well. I’m also very keen on supporting DP with his wish to include DSD as much as possible.

ALTHOUGH..

DP sometimes agrees to arrangements that her mother has initiated on days that he knows he has his own plans, with the expectation that I am available in his absence. At first I never used to mind, especially when I only had my DD. I would always organise fun days out etc. But now that we have DS, I’m starting to find things a lil difficult when I’m left alone with all three children.
There has also been numerous occasions where I have had my own plans, arranged childcare for DD and DS but then DSDs mother will randomly call asking for DSD to be collected in which DP will adhere to - knowing well that he’s busy and I also have plans.
Situations like this means I will usually cancel my plans because DSD always prefers to hang out with myself than her father. I also start to feel a lil guilty and I can never bring myself to continue with my plans knowing she’s be left alone, bored with DP & potentially feel like we are leaving her out.
This is a continuous cycle and I am now starting to feel a Lil resentful at the fact that plans are made without my involvement and I’m automatically expected to be her main caregiver?
I’m starting to almost feel like a babysitter for both DP and DSDs mother.

I’m note sure how to approach/tackle the situation to DP as I would hate to come across as an evil stepmother. But I’m starting to get very upset about this.
Please do not get me wrong, i love my DSD I’m all for her coming over at any time - but I’m worried that DP will go always about his business and expect me to care for all three children on my own.
DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans. Thing is - I actually will if I am least given the heads up on when DSD is coming!!!!! Also my DM looks after DD and DS when I have plans and I would hate to take advantage of this by asking her to also take DSD.
Not to Mention It’s difficult to look after 3 of them alone.

DP also does DSD School runs Monday to Friday. DSD lives an hour away. Her school is a 10 min drive from her mother’s place.
Im currently on maternity leave and I’m due to return to work very soon. Till date I’ve been doing DDs school runs alone/looking after DS. Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs.
I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.
FWIW I only work Monday to Wednesday so I was expecting him to suggest he will dedicate my working days to accommodate DD and DS and maybe use the reminder to dedicate to DSD. I don’t think it’s fair DSDs mother expects DP to do the school runs every day, especially as she knows we like an hour away and she’s literally around he corner.
DSDs mother always guilt trips DP. DP also suffers from Guilty dad syndrome and feels bad that DSD lives away from our household.

Is this fair? Or am I being over sensitive ?
Can anyone suggest ways we can work through this ?
I’m really really upset about this all. DP doesn’t know how I feel yet and as I reiterate, I really don’t want to come across as a bad person. I also want to encourage DP to be involved in DSDs life but I’m starting to feel Like we are being pushed to the side.

Please help :(

Op you are a mug. And youre letting it happen. It has to stop. Obviously you cant make your DP change and put in proper access arrangements so you would be better off out of this relationship I fear.

Oh I had this! The amount of times I had to emphasize it's not the kid/s, it's you/x/whoever nosy opinionated busybody, causing the problems has been done enough and I had to literally withdraw myself from any dealings regarding the dsc so he got the point. I will step in now, but it is on my terms, we have never done this in front of the kids as I will always welcome them, and if any of them ask me for help I am glad to do so. But I will not be dragged into the drama-queens kingdom, and I will not let the adults in this dictate what I can and cannot do. I have bent over backwards for my dsc needs and rights as they needed someone to do the right thing by them, and would consider after everything we have been through that we have a good relationship. Change didn't happen over night though and I had to have some discussions ensuring that the real problem was the main focus. Guilty dad/parent syndrome is terrible and it does twist their head. The parents need to understand that they have to take full responsibility and not dump things last minute on the stepparent without clearing it with said person first. We are not free childcare to do as they wish with, we have open doors but we also have our own lives and the rule here is that I need to know the visits so so many days ahead and last minute changes need to be an emergency/good reason or I say no and they have to deal with it between them.

Ismiselemeas

I have to admit to wondering the same thing

I'm still shocked that a stay at home parent has never actually looked after all their own kids at the same time. That's a pretty impressive feat, and not in a good way.

Also, if he's unemployed where is he going that's so important he can't cancel his plans for?

if he's a SAHD who's paying the CMS ?

If you are thinking of ending the relationship, you should do it before you go back to work to avoid DP claiming to be the RP. Whatever you decide, don’t have any more DCs with this spineless man.

You need to start putting your needs first because your DP and his ex certainty won’t.

I feel so sorry for you here - you're being taken advantage of by your DP and his ex!
They're treating you like the nanny, effectively - if DP can't deal with his DD, you're expected to do it. And if he's unemployed, what the fuck is he doing that's so important that he can't look after his DD Himself? As for him doing the school run, I'm sorry, that's beyond ridiculous. Her mother should be doing that!!

I'd be so angry that I and my children were playing second fiddle to the ex and her DD, even though you get on really well with your DSD and NONE of this is her fault. Your DP is the biggest problem here, obviously, as he should be the one telling his ex to sort herself out and stop expecting to have everything her own way!

What are these plans that a SAHP has that take precedence over being a parent? Intriguing.

Somehow in homes with parents that work full time parenting comes first, hobbies and socializing come after that if time is available, usually by mutual agreement.

Your DH has the life of Riley at your expense. Sorry.

Secondly, you are a family, she should be treated as your daughter. How hard is it to look after an extra child. Poor kid.

Her own mother doesn't even treat her as her own daughter. She had a baby and now finds it too difficult to cope with her older child. And you're having a go at the op for apparently not stepping up? Really?

Thank you all for responding. It’s nice to know im not ‘being in my feelings’ as DP usually says.

I have actually considered leaving my marraige because of this, realistically I will be better off both emotionally and financially. Our relationship isn’t really the best either so nothing to loose.
Just trying to summon courage to stand up for myself and end things if things do not improve.

Summer holidays are around the corner and I’m getting anxious as to what’s going to happen. Two summers ago ex left DSD with us for the whole six weeks. DP was off doing his own thing and I was left to sort things out.

DP spends his time hanging out with his mates, drinking, partying you name it

I know I must sound like a complete mug, and it will be in my best interests to leave this marriage.... but I’m just very stuck at the point where I’m preparing for my exit and believe me it’s not easy.

know I must sound like a complete mug

You do!

Kick him out and have a good summer!

When do you go back to work?

If he is doing all the school runs, and has been for a year, i would be applying for rp, moving her in with you and at a school nearby. She can go to her mums fri-sun.

Then childcare and plans are arranged round the 3 of them. At short notice one less is far easier than one more.

I don’t see how the ex can argue. If she genuinely can’t do the school runs this is a good solution. If she’s taking the piss she needs to decide.

Two summers ago ex left DSD with us for the whole six weeks. DP was off doing his own thing and I was left to sort things out

As you will be again this Summer no doubt. This is completely outrageous.

OP

Of course it isn't easy, but understand that you absolutely aren't being unreasonable at all.

I hope things get better for you.

DP spends his time hanging out with his mates, drinking, partying you name it

Are you financing him?

DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans.

That same argument applies to him...

CristalTipps it also applies to the ex too. Indeed, many of their arguments could be turned back on them e.g. Maybe the ex is so jealous of the OP's children she wants to keep their dad from them by insisting it spends 4 hours a day in a car, away from his younger SN children, to save her from taking her own child to school around the corner.

So the discussion has to be about you and not DSD

I'm not happy when you arrange my time without asking
DM is not happy to look after 3 children so we need to discuss alternative arrangements
I'm sticking to any pre arranged outings so you need to organise yourself
I'm not happy that you don't do childcare for our children on the same basis and need you to help more .....
^^ this is what you need to say.

That should have come out bold as a quote from upthread.

DP spends his time hanging out with his mates, drinking, partying you name it

WTF!??? And you're OK with this? Jesus, he needs to grow up, get a job and actually look after his children.

Both he and his ex are treating you like an unpaid nanny. Put your foot down - this has to stop.

@LotusFlowerBomb

Just trying to summon courage to stand up for myself and end things if things do not improve

I don't know what you're waiting for.
I know its not easy to walk away from a marriage, so maybe talk to him and tell him what you want directly - "look after the kids more, stop expecting me to drop everything for your ex at a moment's notice, or I'm off" and see how it goes. I predict it will be alright for a week or so and then he'll slide back into bad habits.

If so, get rid of him. Go for full custody of the kids and don't look back.

lotus what practical difficulties are you facing in ending it? Perhaps people have suggestions. He sounds a dead loss.

What others said - make arrangements for care when you return to work for your 2 that do not involve him, so that he can't claim on you as a SAHD rather than unemployed.

You’ll feel better once you end the relationship because you know that DP is a waste of space. He’s an absolute arsehole for going out drinking with his mates while leaving you to care for 3 children on your own. Your mum will probably breath a sigh of relief once you leave!