DESPERATE for advice. Is my DP being fair?

[LotusFlowerBomb]

* LONG POST*

My family consists of myself, DP, DD who is 2 years old & DS who is 11 months old. DP also has a daughter from his previous relationship who is 7 years old. We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem..... again as I said we have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well. I’m also very keen on supporting DP with his wish to include DSD as much as possible.

ALTHOUGH..

DP sometimes agrees to arrangements that her mother has initiated on days that he knows he has his own plans, with the expectation that I am available in his absence. At first I never used to mind, especially when I only had my DD. I would always organise fun days out etc. But now that we have DS, I’m starting to find things a lil difficult when I’m left alone with all three children.
There has also been numerous occasions where I have had my own plans, arranged childcare for DD and DS but then DSDs mother will randomly call asking for DSD to be collected in which DP will adhere to - knowing well that he’s busy and I also have plans.
Situations like this means I will usually cancel my plans because DSD always prefers to hang out with myself than her father. I also start to feel a lil guilty and I can never bring myself to continue with my plans knowing she’s be left alone, bored with DP & potentially feel like we are leaving her out.
This is a continuous cycle and I am now starting to feel a Lil resentful at the fact that plans are made without my involvement and I’m automatically expected to be her main caregiver?
I’m starting to almost feel like a babysitter for both DP and DSDs mother.

I’m note sure how to approach/tackle the situation to DP as I would hate to come across as an evil stepmother. But I’m starting to get very upset about this.
Please do not get me wrong, i love my DSD I’m all for her coming over at any time - but I’m worried that DP will go always about his business and expect me to care for all three children on my own.
DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans. Thing is - I actually will if I am least given the heads up on when DSD is coming!!!!! Also my DM looks after DD and DS when I have plans and I would hate to take advantage of this by asking her to also take DSD.
Not to Mention It’s difficult to look after 3 of them alone.

DP also does DSD School runs Monday to Friday. DSD lives an hour away. Her school is a 10 min drive from her mother’s place.
Im currently on maternity leave and I’m due to return to work very soon. Till date I’ve been doing DDs school runs alone/looking after DS. Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs.
I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.
FWIW I only work Monday to Wednesday so I was expecting him to suggest he will dedicate my working days to accommodate DD and DS and maybe use the reminder to dedicate to DSD. I don’t think it’s fair DSDs mother expects DP to do the school runs every day, especially as she knows we like an hour away and she’s literally around he corner.
DSDs mother always guilt trips DP. DP also suffers from Guilty dad syndrome and feels bad that DSD lives away from our household.

Is this fair? Or am I being over sensitive ?
Can anyone suggest ways we can work through this ?
I’m really really upset about this all. DP doesn’t know how I feel yet and as I reiterate, I really don’t want to come across as a bad person. I also want to encourage DP to be involved in DSDs life but I’m starting to feel Like we are being pushed to the side.

Please help :(

Ex knows DSD is usually left with me. She knows DSD & I get on so I sometimes feel she takes advantage of this. Eg - I was away on holiday with my DC and ex called DP requesting that he pick DSD up for a few days. DP obviously objected, Ex then demands DP to just leave her with me if he was so busy. She also once requested i do the school run on a particular day DP was unable to do it.

So your ex is being a crappy partner and a crappy dad to your two. If you bring it up he accuses you of being jealous and you back right off. You need to change that last bit, say you can make up whatever bullshit you like, you are a shit dad to your two younger children and I am getting fed up. I won’t be around to look after dsd ever if I leave you because you can’t parent or commit to our children. You shouldn’t care if he gets upset because he doesn’t care about upsetting you. Or , nothing will change. And you will leave him eventually.
Mind you he doesn’t sound great anyway.

LotusFlowerBomb, you need get it into your head very quickly that you have a serious DP problem.

He has a fantastic 'relationship' but you have got a very raw deal.

Make a plan and present it to him, and the plan should include you both working at least part time.
Read back through what you've written, because in your op you stress several times that you have a fantastic relationship.

But - you are being pushed over to one side by a man who claims to be a SAHD, who is running through his savings, and leaving you to step up on his behalf. And you aren't sure how to raise it with him.
It sounds like he is charming as long as he is getting his own way.
I'm sorry that sounds harsh, but I think you're halfway to realising you don't have a fantastic relationship but aren't ready to face how bad things are it yet.

If I were you I'd be making plans to leave. You don't have to go through with them straight away, but you should have them in place.

His petrol bill must be quite a size.

Maybe I wasn’t clear in my OP.
When I said fantastic relationship - I was actually referring to DSD and I.

If my relationship with DP was soo fantastic I wouldn’t be coming on here for advice !!

Honestly, he sounds like a massive loser He’s a stay at home dad but doesn’t actually do any childcare for his kids as he’s faffing around with DSD’s school run all day.

What does he actually contribute? Does he contribute money or does it all go on maintenance? Does he do housework? Cook?

Because it sounds like you do everything.

I thought that the reason he was doing the school run for his ex was because she had a baby, so why did she request you to do it when he couldn't? You have a baby around the same age and you also have a 2yo, both with special needs. She only has to drive 10mins, you would have had to drive an hour. That was the request of someone who isn't trying to be reasonable, does your DP seriously not see that? Agree he's not any better himself.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, but my answer stands.
Present him with a plan that includes you both returning to work and sharing the load, and make plans to leave in case he doesn't step up fast.

You need to put your foot down OP.

No more agreeing to care for DSD while he does other other things. If you've already got plans then say that, and tell him that if it was arranged properly beforehand then he wouldn't be in this situation.
You're both being doormats. You, for rolling over and looking after 3 kids while he does nothing. And him for never daring to say no to his ex.

You both need to change the pattern of behaviour. If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

Tell him you're not in any way jealous of DSD and don't want her to miss out at all on family time. So make a proper schedule of childcare with his ex, or be faced with constantly changing plans. You're not going to drop everything on her say so any more.

I know DSD is probably absolutely fine, but I'm sure she'd benefit from some proper routine as well. You can frame it that way with DP so he realises how unrealistic his idea of co-parenting is daughter really is.

Your boyfriend and his ex are taking the piss. You sound very caring of all the children and trying to do the right thing with his daughter.
Your children aren't being treated equally by him.

It could be that I've woke up grumpy, but maybe you should suggest you go for full custody of DSD since the ex is struggling to look after her now that she has a baby too. That would put the wind up her and maybe then she'll stop acting like a damsel in distress and stop with the unreasonable requests. Or am I just sounding like a bitch today?

In terms of your DP, I think you need to read him the riot act. Sorry if I'm missed it, but how old is he? He doesn't sound very mature in the way that he is ignoring his responsibilities towards you and your children together.

Sorry, I'm a bit confused.... HE has decided to be a stay at home DAD, but isn't actually doing any childcare? (apart from a hours drive for a school run for one child leaving the two most needy to be looked after elsewhere)
You are on maternity leave (ie a worker outside of the home, the breadwinner and so on) but you are doing all the work in the home AND over two thirds of the childcare?? If YOU want some time for other things YOU have to make alternate arrangements for the children's care, not the person without outside responsibilities who is the designated stay at home parent?
Maybe I just don't get is meant by Stay At Home Dad? I thought it meant staying at home to be a dad and look after all of the children, the housework, house management, cooking etc? Like a Stay at Home Mum would?

However; I do like Eve's suggestion. It would make everything much better all around, whether your step daughter came to live with you or not. If you suggest it, it makes it clear that you are not jealous too.

How can you afford the petrol for four hours' driving every day when your husband is unemployed? I know he has an inheritance but that is going to disappear very quickly, especially as he is also overpaying maintenance in light of the amount of time you are looking after DSD.

This is hard, but I think you need to start saying no to looking after her. Definitively, no wishy washy maybe nonsense. How come you’re looking after her when your DP is allegedly a SAHP? They’re both taking the piss, OP, time to be the worm that turns.

And I also agree with Eve's suggestion. Frankly, it doesn't sound as if the ex is that interested in her daughter anyway if she can't be bothered to get her to school and collect her.

No Riv. SAHDs are not expected to do anything like the range of duties of a typical SAHM. Their partners usually prop them up, happily or unhappily.

If he's a SAHD I assume he'll he taking your DC to all their appointments etc, and their school runs as surely that will be part of his 'job'? I hope he's figured out how he'll be fitting all that into his day.

1. You need a formal structure for when you and 'D'P have DSD, ad hoc help is only in emergency situations/special rare favours.

It would reduce so much friction - your DP is setting unclear expectations and then dumping DSD on you if he happens to have plans.

2. Your DP needs to not have plans when DSD is scheduled around, unless you agree upfront and get something in return. TBH, he should be there to see HIS daughter.

Call time on this - he's taking advantage massively. Do you have lots of hobbies where you leave him with 2 tinies and DSD on a regular basis? I'd start having them.

I'm not sure what's in this relationship for you. Going on what his ex gets in maintenance you'd be financially better off apart. And presumably you'd get child care on tap too? Not to mention less stress about being taken for a mug.

It's worrying that you let him cow you with the 'you're jealous' tactic. He's manipulating you. You are clearly not an evil stepmother. Him saying so is nasty and borderline abusive.

THREE issues here

• one is about respect towards you. Your DP can’t agree to have his dd whilst knowing you have plans too and expecting you to drop everything whilst he doesn’t. Basic respect and politeness is that you ask the other person involved if they are ok wth it. AND you dint get upset/angry if they don’t (eg you have something planned yourself)

• the other is about his attitude towards his dd and his two other children. It’s quite shocking that he has so little to do with his younger children but bend overs backwards for his dd. But ONLY for his dd

• last is about his involvement in family life, the one he has with you. It’s not on that he is setting things up such as picking the dd one hour away etc... without talking it out with you, as this has a clear impact on your family life together. He is basically doing things the way he wants (because he is feeling guilty, the ex is guilt tripping you BUT ALSO because you let him do it). He is expecting you to pick up all the other balls he is dropping. The question about what will happen when you go back to work is a good example of that.

I would have a chat with him on the first issue (lack of respect of you) and the last one (how can we get organised with me back at work, the dcs hospital appointment etc...). If the organisation is for him to be a stay at home dad, then surely he will do the school drop off for his dd (with you)?? Or if the does back to work, then xxx needs to happen etc...
That way, it’s not an issue about dsd. It’s about something general (respect) and general organisation (school pick ups etc...)

I have to say I would be weary of having him as a SAHP. If he is getting verybstubborn and refuses to think about the rest of his current family unit, I suspect you will get very resentful and the relationship will break down (something he really needs to be aware about too). You need to think if you would be happy with him being the RP and you the NRP.

Oh lotus what a situation you've gotten into. You "d"p is massively taking the piss out of you and, deep down, you know you need to put a stop to it. This wasn't unlike me and OH when ds was born, D's was always put on the back burner for exactly the same reason as your DC......because dsd didn't live with us he went all Disney dad to make sure she "felt loved" and to hell with ds. I was also main carer for dsd when she stayed as OH refused to book time off work because he "didn't have enough holiday in the year and wanted some for himself". I let that go on for nearly 2 years when I suddenly snapped. School holidays I booked myself in for work rather than booking it off so he was forced to book it off, I refused to have anything to do with arrangements (it was always me who arranged when she would be picked up/dropped off) and I absolutely let rip over the fact he was favouring one child over the other. I asked him to move out, I wasn't putting up with it any more, and that was the shock he needed as he did a total 360.

You need to sit down and talk with him before this goes any further, you need to tell him that he can no longer facilitate the school runs and you will not be altering your plans to facilitate his yes man attitude any longer. He needs to step up with your 2, he's really doing them a disservice by prioritising dsd over them. Not to mention the disservice to you, he has no respect for your family unit at all.

She also once requested i do the school run on a particular day DP was unable to do it.

Wait, she actually expected you to drive 2 hours, with your TWO small children(with special needs), to pick up HER daughter, because she could not drive 10 minutes with one child?

The ex and your partner are both massively taking the piss and treating you like a doormat.

if your DP did school runs 3 days a week, he'd be doing more than half. It sounds like he's being pushed around by his ex, and in turn, he's pushing you around. What a catch.

When you're back at work, childcare for all 3 kids is his responsibility on your work days, you need to firmly set this expectation.