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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DESPERATE for advice. Is my DP being fair?

156 replies

LotusFlowerBomb · 29/05/2018 01:37

* LONG POST*

My family consists of myself, DP, DD who is 2 years old & DS who is 11 months old. DP also has a daughter from his previous relationship who is 7 years old. We have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well.

DSD comes around regularly, although DP and her mother have no set contact arrangements in place. Her coming over is always on her mother’s terms and around her mothers plans. This can be very spontaneous and we are usually given very short notice. Fine no Problem..... again as I said we have a fantastic relationship and we get on very well. I’m also very keen on supporting DP with his wish to include DSD as much as possible.

ALTHOUGH..

DP sometimes agrees to arrangements that her mother has initiated on days that he knows he has his own plans, with the expectation that I am available in his absence. At first I never used to mind, especially when I only had my DD. I would always organise fun days out etc. But now that we have DS, I’m starting to find things a lil difficult when I’m left alone with all three children.
There has also been numerous occasions where I have had my own plans, arranged childcare for DD and DS but then DSDs mother will randomly call asking for DSD to be collected in which DP will adhere to - knowing well that he’s busy and I also have plans.
Situations like this means I will usually cancel my plans because DSD always prefers to hang out with myself than her father. I also start to feel a lil guilty and I can never bring myself to continue with my plans knowing she’s be left alone, bored with DP & potentially feel like we are leaving her out.
This is a continuous cycle and I am now starting to feel a Lil resentful at the fact that plans are made without my involvement and I’m automatically expected to be her main caregiver?
I’m starting to almost feel like a babysitter for both DP and DSDs mother.

I’m note sure how to approach/tackle the situation to DP as I would hate to come across as an evil stepmother. But I’m starting to get very upset about this.
Please do not get me wrong, i love my DSD I’m all for her coming over at any time - but I’m worried that DP will go always about his business and expect me to care for all three children on my own.
DP will always argue that DSDs presence shouldn’t make a difference, and if I had plans I could always arrange for DSD to be included In childcare plans. Thing is - I actually will if I am least given the heads up on when DSD is coming!!!!! Also my DM looks after DD and DS when I have plans and I would hate to take advantage of this by asking her to also take DSD.
Not to Mention It’s difficult to look after 3 of them alone.

DP also does DSD School runs Monday to Friday. DSD lives an hour away. Her school is a 10 min drive from her mother’s place.
Im currently on maternity leave and I’m due to return to work very soon. Till date I’ve been doing DDs school runs alone/looking after DS. Both DD & DS have special needs so loads of hospital appointments that I have to do alone as DP has to plan his day around DSDs school runs.
I’ve asked DP what our plans will be re childcare as I’ll be returning to work to which he responded “ Well I’ve got to sort out DSD so I’m not sure on what we are gong to do”.
FWIW I only work Monday to Wednesday so I was expecting him to suggest he will dedicate my working days to accommodate DD and DS and maybe use the reminder to dedicate to DSD. I don’t think it’s fair DSDs mother expects DP to do the school runs every day, especially as she knows we like an hour away and she’s literally around he corner.
DSDs mother always guilt trips DP. DP also suffers from Guilty dad syndrome and feels bad that DSD lives away from our household.

Is this fair? Or am I being over sensitive ?
Can anyone suggest ways we can work through this ?
I’m really really upset about this all. DP doesn’t know how I feel yet and as I reiterate, I really don’t want to come across as a bad person. I also want to encourage DP to be involved in DSDs life but I’m starting to feel Like we are being pushed to the side.

Please help :(

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 29/05/2018 11:55

i would be applying for rp, moving her in with you and at a school nearby

Not OPs decision to make

She doesn't need an extra child with an unemployed partner and 3 SEN kids!!!

Eveforever · 29/05/2018 12:03

I'm really sorry you're in this situation OP. I could understand a partner putting his young children's needs in front of mine, but your partner also seems to be putting his ex's needs ahead of yours too.

I think you should start looking for some advice and information about what your position would be if you were to split. Are you starting work soon? If people are correct and he can claim he's a SAHP if you return to work before you split, you really need to consider taking action sooner rather than later. Maybe Gingerbread or somewhere similar could help?

AdaColeman · 29/05/2018 12:13

Your DP & his Ex are taking advantage of you on a massive scale.

You either need to get firm boundaries in position so that both of them take full responsibility for their children or you need to walk away.

Actually I can't see your DP or his Ex suddenly reforming and becoming decent caring parents, so walking away will be your best choice.

You seem to bear the brunt of the hard work of bringing up a family, with your DP contributing little, so you would cope well alone.

Run for the hills and let that selfish pair get on without your help.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/05/2018 12:20

No. No he's not being fair. At all. But I think you know that.

RiotAndAlarum · 29/05/2018 12:22

The money which some fool left him seems to enable him to be unemployed, pay maintenance and have an expensive social life, and is a pretty good argument for inheritance tax! What a waste of money, of his productive years, of your life and his children's family life!

MrsPreston11 · 29/05/2018 12:53

You lost me at lil

StepBackNow · 29/05/2018 12:54

Why is he paying child support when he isn't earning anything? He should get it reduced.

FrancisCrawford · 29/05/2018 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 29/05/2018 13:11

Firstly as he is now unemployed, he needs to see if he really can afford to pay his ex at the same rate while he has no income. Or if he is paying out of a lump sum, to give his ex a sum to tide her over for while, but then reduced until he finds paid work.

Secondly, as he is out of work, the school run has to stop or at least be curtailed to a manageable and reasonable system, or the EX needs to PAY HIM to do it.

Thirdly, he needs to parent the kids he has - a man who can't actually care for the kids he has? that is shameful!!

WHEN you finally give up on him and he has your kids EOW and a day in the week, how will he manage that????

I'd lose all respect for a creature like him.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/05/2018 13:41

You would be better off, all round, without this dead leg of a man.
Also, you cannot afford for him to become primary career for the children.
Get him out, or get yourself and the children out, as always, we are here to support you and guide you on your way.💐

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/05/2018 13:42

*carer

Boredandtired · 29/05/2018 13:44

His version of stay at home parent gives other stay at home parents a bad name!

PercyPigAddict · 29/05/2018 15:40

Given your update.... just LTB. You could tie yourself in knots trying to figure out ways to get a fair deal regarding the kids' care but if there's no relationship worth saving (and it doesn't sound like there is) you'll save yourself so much time and hassle if you just make a clean break. Would you still want to maintain a relationship with your dsd though? As you have a great relationship with her (not surprising when it seems like you're the only adult in her life who puts her first) and she's your kids's sibling. You'll still have to make sure they don't use that as a way to shove her your way for childcare.

RabbitsAreTasty · 29/05/2018 15:44

What part is making you be stuck even though you know you have to end it?

Imo get him out before the summer holidays and before his nest egg runs out. He will need to have a deposit and a few month's rent on his new place. Get him out before he's broke and you feel all sad he's got nowhere to go.

What's stopping you booting him out tomorrow?

VivaKondo · 29/05/2018 15:46

I’m just very stuck at the point where I’m preparing for my exit and believe me it’s not easy.
No it’s not easy.
I would wait until you are back at work, childcare organised (so it’s not an issue for you).
And in the mean time, just remember that its only for the short term. That if yur feelings don’t matter to , why on Earth shouod his feelings matter to you? Why is he more important than yu that he can go and see his mates, go up drinking etc whilst you are there picking up the pieces and doing all the work.
The more you can detach emotionally from him whilstbyou are still living in the saehuse, the easier it will be.

VivaKondo · 29/05/2018 15:47

And what rabbit says.
He will try and make you feel guilty if you kick him out, the same way he has run a ring around your finger about his dd.

Banana8080 · 29/05/2018 15:52

He’s not working as a team with you, ask him to try to start doing that.

RandomMess · 29/05/2018 16:37

Is you and DC moving to your Mums for the summer an option? Or is he in your house?

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/05/2018 16:44

Someone said to me
‘If someone’s being a bitch, you have to be the bigger bitch’. So if your DP jumps to his Ex, he does it because she gives him grief. He takes the easy path. To stay with your DP, you’d need to give him even more grief than his Ex so the easier path is to unite with you. But, you’ve been the good person in this, and ended up the doormat.

But having to scream for attention and fairness over his EW is depressing, so it’s easier for you to leave.

I would be telling your DP and taking practical steps even if you can’t physically move out yet.

Anon12345ABC · 29/05/2018 16:50

Sorry OP but you sound like a mug and your P has no redeeming features.

ADishBestEatenCold · 29/05/2018 17:13

As you work (when not on maternity leave) just 3 days a week and your DP doesn't work at all, but pays £500+ maintenance to his, I am unsure how your family financially survive (unless your DP's inheritance and savings are massive).

Is your DP the father of both your children, OP? Seems strange that he has such little involvement in your daughter's life (e.g. nursery, etc).

Are you married? It's just you refer to him as DP but also refer to your "marriage". If you are married then would his inheritance/savings not also be yours, to have equal say on whether it is spent on an unequal level of cm?

bringincrazyback · 29/05/2018 17:17

YANBU. You're being royally taken for granted and, sorry to be rude, but your DP needs to grow up, grow a pair and start standing up to his ex. I wouldn't hold out too much hope for the latter, though, if my own past experiences are anything to go by.

Original poster
LotusFlowerBomb · 29/05/2018 18:13

Thank you all for your advice - it’s very clear what i need to do so I will be working towards that ASAP, with the beginning of summer being my deadline.

We are legally married.

His Inheritance/savings are indeed huge

Had a heart to heart with my DM after reading all the responses from this thread. She’s offered us to stay with her if need be in the interim. Happy I have somewhere to go to as that was my main worry

OP posts:
ferrier · 29/05/2018 19:28

Go get yourself some legal advice at the first opportunity.
Get your ducks in a row (as mumsnet always says) before giving him any inkling of what you are planning to do.
Good luck.

RandomMess · 29/05/2018 20:06

As your married you can move out and sort the finances afterwards Flowers