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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All men fancy younger women

477 replies

Violetshift · 28/05/2018 22:39

I think I am insanely jealous. So don’t know whether I am BU?

My partner has started tutoring a 19 year old. He is a teacher but she is resisting as she wants a grade 9.

He hasn’t said much about her. I showed him a Facebook picture of her as I know of her. He said she is prettier than that in real life.
Now he thinks this is subjective and nothing untoward. Like he thinks our daughter is pretty.

AIBU and just a jealous hag?

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 28/05/2018 22:56

I thought all men had fantasies?

OP, a lot of people have fantasies. Some straight Men's fantasies involve all sorts of things, not just Women.

You are very down at the moment. That's what you need to work on. Most of us, Men included, don't see life as one big perv fest.

FASH84 · 28/05/2018 22:58

Yeah they do and judging from DHs sleep talking/sleep eating his fantasies include being batman and maybe some kind of cheeseburger. He told me at the weekend he had a dream about giant carp sucking him (non sexually) and not liking it but it wasn't that scary. He's recently gone zero nicotine vaping two years after starting that to stop smoking so I think they might be connected. On a more serious note a lot of people have some kind of fantasy, rarely about someone they actually know and the vast majority would have no intention of acting upon it in reality. Why are you so unsure about the security of your relationship? Has your DH cheated before?

lhastingsmua · 28/05/2018 22:59

You sound insecure

ShadyLady53 · 28/05/2018 23:00

Can’t comment about ALL men having fantasies about younger girls/teenagers but what I will say is that any attraction/attention I’ve openly received from men has been from men considerably older... 10 -40 years older 😱😱😱 or, like you yourself have experienced, younger men. I’m mid 30s and the younger men thing is relatively new to me but the older men thing started from about age 15 🤢. I have zero attraction to older men but I’d be prepared to go out with someone slightly younger, although I’d prefer someone my own age. I’ve never been approached by someone the same age though! The men in their 30s do seem to go for younger women.

Only you know him...it absolutely could have been an innocent comment. And the girl can’t help it if she’s pretty! Really she can’t pose any threat though...you are in an intimate, committed relationship with him and know him in a way she never could.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 28/05/2018 23:00

I'd say they were in a minority, but you do get men who really only fancy young women. You get others who want a young woman on their arm as a trophy. They're very shallow and I wouldn't waste my time on them.

OP, you sound very insecure. Unless you have real reasons to doubt DP, your reactions are way over the top. Consider that many people eventually end relationships over persistent jealousy. Does he know you doubt him? If he doesn't, I'd keep it to myself - and try to overcome it. You might find a counsellor helpful. You must be very unhappy.

Fruitcorner123 · 28/05/2018 23:00

if he is a secondary teacher the chances are he sees her more as a child than those people who dont teach. You sound like you have a real problem with jealousy

coffeekittens · 28/05/2018 23:00

Well the last man I was seeing didn’t want a serious relationship with me because I’m not old enough for him, even though he is younger than me.

Seriously you sound very jealous, leave it be.

Original poster
Violetshift · 28/05/2018 23:01

I don’t want to be accused of drip feeding as I wanted this situation as a stand alone but I think my ex damaged me and I just lack trust.
I also see a lot of pervy men around me at work,at lunch time commenting on women etc

OP posts:
FizzyWizzyFlash · 28/05/2018 23:01

Jealousy may play a part but insecurity plays a bigger part.

If you were confident in yourself his comment wouldn't or shouldn't phase you.

People should be able to acknowledge another person's good looks without feeling like they're doing something wrong.

Stuckinanxiety · 28/05/2018 23:02

I think older men can admire a younger woman's prettiness without being sleazy or leching on them. Hopefully this is the case here where there is a power imbalance with him being a teacher!

19 is very young indeed but in a few years, in her early twenties, it would be fine for her to date a much older man if she wanted to. Just my opinion. The difference is in the maturity that comes with being out in the world for even a couple more years. Even though she might look very similar to how she does now.

As long as the relationship is consensual, that's the main thing. However no I don't think all men fancy much younger women - I think those who have children, or close family with children, feel uncomfortable at the idea of very wide age gaps.

Most men I've known to date much younger women have been childless. They're pretty immature themselves and I think kid themselves they're still in their twenties too, almost.

RebelRogue · 28/05/2018 23:03

@Violetshift but your partner isn't your ex. He isn't the men at work. Men are not one homogeneous mass that act and think exactly the same.
I'm sorry for what you've been through,it sucks.Thanks

But you need to work on yourself,otherwise you will never be happy regardless of who your partner is.

Original poster
Violetshift · 28/05/2018 23:06

But you need to work on yourself,otherwise you will never be happy regardless of who your partner is.

That is so true. It’s just so hard and everything has my gut raging. Maybe the old adege trust your gut is wrong in my case.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 28/05/2018 23:07

also see a lot of pervy men around me at work,at lunch time commenting on women

Presumably you dont think your DP is a pervy man. I have worked with loads of male teachers over the years and with 1 possible exception they all saw/see teenagers as children not people they could fantasise about or have a relationship with. The exception wasn't a very nice man and was also unpleasant for female staff ( a bit like the men you work with)

Branleuse · 28/05/2018 23:10

Even if you find someone pretty or good looking it doesn't mean you want to run off with them or want to fuck them.

People are allowed to look nice

FrameyMcFrame · 28/05/2018 23:11
Thanks Hope you feel better soon op.
RebelRogue · 28/05/2018 23:12

@Violetshift well what is your guy saying? That he's a cheater? That he facies this girl? That he'll pursue her? That you're not good enough? That things will go to shit anyways so better quit now?

It's not about your gut being wrong, it's about recognising the difference between your gut and your insecurities.

ShadyLady53 · 28/05/2018 23:12

I know it’s hard but don’t let your b*stard ex ruin this relationship. You’re enough for your DP, this kid is no threat.

I get the whole pervy men at work thing, it’s rubbish isn’t it? Thankfully ALL men aren’t like that. I bet you wouldn’t be in a relationship with one of the bad uns! Don’t let a few bad apples erode your trust, it would be a tragedy if you had a good guy and the bad ones led you to feel like you couldn’t enjoy what you have with him.

boilerhouse2007 · 28/05/2018 23:14

Just because you are younger does not mean you are attractive, i know lots of very plain and ordinary looking young people who are far from attractive and you wouldn't look at twice. Similarly I know people 40 plus who are much better looking than people 20 years younger than them. Youth has its advantages but it only works if the person is attractive too and yes the 2 work best together so that it is more desirable to be 21 and gorgeous than 41 and gorgeous. However as aforementioned youth does not equate to beauty-2 very different things.
A more accurate description is that men prefer attractive women.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 28/05/2018 23:14

The fact that he commented on her appearance at all has probably unsettled you.
I don't think it's appropriate for a male teacher to comment on how pretty a student is.

Not saying there's anything untoward here, I just think that was an odd comment to make.

WyldDucks · 28/05/2018 23:16

I'm several years older than my husband and I can assure you he still fancies me!

Original poster
Violetshift · 28/05/2018 23:18

Just because you are younger does not mean you are attractive, i

I am older.

Thanks all
For the positive comments. Think I doneed counselling.

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 28/05/2018 23:18

''My DH does not fancy 19 year old women, that wouldnt even enter his conciousness as a thing.''

what so is your husband unique from the male species?? Because I'd put my life on it that if a young Michelle Pfeiifer/Megan Fox/Cindy Crawford type 19 year old was walking down the street your husband [regardless of his age] would have his natural urges.

CopONNotLinkedIn · 28/05/2018 23:20

You can feel value as a person grow even as value as a mate diminishes...

Original poster
Violetshift · 28/05/2018 23:20

The fact that he commented on her appearance at all has probably unsettled you.
I don't think it's appropriate for a male teacher to comment on how pretty a student is.

Not saying there's anything untoward here, I just think that was an odd comment to make.

I agree! Wtf!!!

He says nothing sexual in it. Hmm

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 28/05/2018 23:21

''I don't think it's appropriate for a male teacher to comment on how pretty a student is.''

And here we go... I hear female teachers commenting on young mens appearances all the times and their students [yes even teachers] and nobody bats an eyelid. A man says something and he's inappropriate...