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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

All men fancy younger women

477 replies

Violetshift · 28/05/2018 22:39

I think I am insanely jealous. So don’t know whether I am BU?

My partner has started tutoring a 19 year old. He is a teacher but she is resisting as she wants a grade 9.

He hasn’t said much about her. I showed him a Facebook picture of her as I know of her. He said she is prettier than that in real life.
Now he thinks this is subjective and nothing untoward. Like he thinks our daughter is pretty.

AIBU and just a jealous hag?

OP posts:
CakeWars · 30/05/2018 09:43

*to, not this

RebelRogue · 30/05/2018 09:48

It's natural, it's nature. That's how he was wired. You can't change men when their instinct is to reproduce with a young fertile woman with great breasts, flowing hair and a small waist.

It's bullshit! But hey,whatever helps you sleep better at night.

MaisyPops · 30/05/2018 09:51

Your partner can't fix this for you. He can't "prove you wrong" because there will always be something. He either is what you want or isn't. But you can't expect him to fully change who he is to alleviate fears that , if we're honest, will always escalate and multiply unless YOU do something about it
I agree.
I don't get how he is meant to 'prove you wrong' OP. He hasn't done anything wrong and he's absolutely right not to share passwords and phone codes (but then I find the logic of 'we share all our passwords because we trust each other' to be odd).

MarklahMarklah · 30/05/2018 09:57

I've read 10 pages of this and I don't think I can read the rest.
OP, I can see where you are coming from, but this honestly sounds like your own insecurities at play.
It's perfectly possible to acknowledge that someone is attractive without wanting to shag them.
And just to add to the 'statistics' so far. I'm older than DH. BIL is divorced from SIL (younger). His new partner is 5 years his senior, SIL's new partner is the same age as her (8 years younger than BIL). Friend A (lesbian) is married to a woman 12 years her junior), friend B (straight) has-been with her partner, 13 years older, for 10 years. Friend C (straight) has been in a relationship with her partner since 1997. He's 4 years younger than her. Friend D (gay) lives with his same-aged partner. Has done since they were in their 20s.
I see no pattern, no stigma, no boiling testosterone; just people who want to be together.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/05/2018 10:10

I have to agree with @iced on the teen porn though (vom). Unless they’re actually 25 year olds in school uniform. But from what I know about the porn industry I expect they have no qualms recruiting the barely legals this fuck up their lives forever.

Yes, I think I would leave DH if I found out that he deliberately watched teen porn. There is something really creepy about much older men watching teenagers even if some (although probably not all) are officially "adults".

Openup41 · 30/05/2018 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 10:15

I think a lot of other people might view this differently to me.

I don’t think someone’s personal preference when it comes to physical attraction has that much to do with who they end up in a happy and fulfilling, long term relationship with. There are so many more important aspects than base, ‘I’d like to have sex with you’, feelings. Obviously, I want to have sex with my OH, but that’s because of the love and respect between us, not because I’m thinking “grrrrr you have lovely, flowing hair” or whatever.

So if oh thinks 19 yos are generally more aesthetically pleasing than I am, that’s not a big deal to me at all. I think it’s probably true! Most 19yos are probably better looking than me. It doesn’t mean my OH is going to shag them all, or get into a relationship with them. Especially with the op, where the 19yo in question is his student. And if that happened I’d be extremely surprised and a bit grossed out, but not necessarily hurt. More embarrassed and disgusted that I’d accidentally partnered with someone who would abuse their position of power like that.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 10:18

But YY, the “teen porn” thing sounds pretty disgusting. I’m sure the industry looks after those young (very young) women really well and has their best interests at heart.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/05/2018 10:25

It's perfectly possible to acknowledge that someone is attractive without wanting to shag them.

I think the thread can be distilled into this sentence.

I coach late teens/ early 20s down my sports club. These young men and women are elite sports people, on the GB radar and competing nationally and in some cases internationally at youth level. They train bloody hard and all have the bodies of athletes, i.e. sub 10% body fat, toned, nimble, six packs etc. By any yardstick they can be described as very 'attractive/pretty/handsome'. Acknowledging this is just a factual observation and not a statement of my intent to 'try it on' with any of them.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/05/2018 10:28

There is a difference between finding someone more "aesthetically pleasing" and being attracted to them though. I find 19 year old girls "aesthetically pleasing" too but that doesn't mean I am attracted to them (or any women).

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 10:43

That’s true. But if you replaced “aesthetically pleasing” with “physically / sexually attractive” in my last post, i would still think the same. I mean really, I don’t expect my OH to think “wow hot stuff, let me ravage you forthwith” when we’re in our 80s.

That doesn’t mean I’d be happy for OH to have sex with a 19yo, (or anyone else, or to watch teen porn either fwiw).

Finding younger women, (maybe not 19, but in their 20s, as I think people have indicated is the case and linked to research), more sexually attractive, just isn’t something which especially bothers me. I’m not as sexually attractive, and am less ‘hot’ than them, but that doesn’t mean my oh wants to have sex with them more than me, all things considered. It just means I lack the ‘phwoar’ factor, which I do. Does anyone actually say phwoar irl...? You know what I mean. Hopefully.

The two aren’t linked; they’re hotter / sexier, but my oh prefers to actually have sex with me. Adult, sexual, relationships are more complex than, “you’re fit, let’s shag”, as I’m sure doesn’t really need to be said.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/05/2018 10:53

That’s true. But if you replaced “aesthetically pleasing” with “physically / sexually attractive” in my last post, i would still think the same. I mean really, I don’t expect my OH to think “wow hot stuff, let me ravage you forthwith” when we’re in our 80s.

You misunderstand. It doesn't bother me at all that DH would find women younger than me more attractive physically than women my age (50s). I am sure he does and I feel the same regarding men. I would think it quite creepy if he found women in their teens more sexually attractive than women over 25 though.

Quickerthanavicar · 30/05/2018 10:55

I'm pretty sure gay men don't.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 11:04

I’m with you @dungeon. If I knew a man who specifically preferred teens, I’d find that super creepy. Hence the teen porn being gross. Just because there’s a market for it, doesn’t make it ok to make movies of actual teens having sex.

People engage in all sorts of role play and things when they’re having sex. It doesn’t mean they want to watch the real thing in action.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 30/05/2018 11:07

@STS120
Get off the reddit sub or wherever it is you usually hang out. The rabbit hole of wittering about testosterone levels on there will not help you in life.

It is normal for teenage boys and young adult men to be strongly attracted to teenage girls. It is also normal for stable and well-adjusted men to slowly find that age group less and less attractive as they get older. It's not lack of testosterone, it's the gaining of life-experience. The majority of teenage girls and boys just seem impossibly childish and vulnerable to emotionally healthy people from their 30s onwards and that's simply not attractive.

MaisyPops · 30/05/2018 11:18

PanGalaticGargleBlaster
Well said.
Your example is very similar to mine and prom. We comment on how lovely the students look at pron, pretty, handsome etc. It's a statement of truth and not a sign we want to make a move.

Plus, I've bumped into some of our 6th formers on nights out. When they're dolled up, some easily look mid 20s. It wouldn't make me go 'eww' if a man saw one on a night out and found an 18/19 year old attractive.
It would make me go 'eww' if he found them attractive because they were 18/19.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 11:23

The majority of teenage girls and boys just seem impossibly childish and vulnerable to emotionally healthy people from their 30s onwards and that's simply not attractive.

It’s precisely the vulnerability factor which makes young people more attractive to some unsavoury characters, as I was saying up thread. I’m deeply suspicious of anyone who deliberately seeks out very young partners for that reason.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 30/05/2018 11:36

Indeed. The only men I've met (I have as yet, met no women of this type) who pursued relationships with such an age-gap were very unsavoury characters indeed. They weren't beneficial influences to the younger partners at all.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 30/05/2018 11:44

Cakewars ''I don’t think @tom was saying that men would prefer to be with a younger woman in a ltr, just that they tend to find women in their twenties more physically attractive. I can’t cite any statistics, but purely based on my life experience, I’d wager that was true. I don’t really get why that’s offensive though. It’s just aesthetics, not the be all and end all. It definitely doesn’t make anyone a pedophile or pervy. ''

I think I agree with you there and I am horrified to have them posts that say men who are attracted to younger women are paedos. I found that utterly distasteful and surprised there were not more objections to horrible sexiest statements like that.-Are some women really that bitter?

My own father met my mum when he was 36 and she was 20, they are now married 54 years and have 3 kids[myself included] and in good health and still very happy. If my ds[aged 32] were to bring a dp home of just 20/21 I would be more than happy for them and certainly not think he was a paedophile! Such nonsense.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/05/2018 11:47

Indeed. The only men I've met (I have as yet, met no women of this type) who pursued relationships with such an age-gap were very unsavoury characters indeed. They weren't beneficial influences to the younger partners at all.

This may well be true, but most posters aren't talking about pursuing a relationship it is merely the fact of looking at someone and thinking that are attractive as in nice looking rather than they would make an attractive partner iyswim. I can understand for example that Zac Efron is good looking, but I could never fancy him because he will always be Troy the first crush of my then 7 year old and all her friends.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 11:50

Yes @sweeny. I think we’ve strayed a bit from the op. Just a general observation really.

ConciseandNice · 30/05/2018 12:01

I know my dh definitely finds younger women more attractive than older ones. For me, younger women radiate vitality more. They are kind of gooey with youth and good skin and their breasts aren’t all saggy with stretch marks. It makes sense that they’re more attractive. I don’t however expect my dh to try it on with them. It’s hard being jealous and god knows I’ve been there. It’s natural to have these concerns op. YANBU. But I do hope that he can reassure you and that you can move on. One day, I promise, it won’t bother you in the same way.

ConciseandNice · 30/05/2018 12:01

Glowy not gooey!!! (Although who knows?!)

TomPinch · 30/05/2018 20:01

Cakewars is right. My point was that men find women in their twenties physically more attractive, but wouldn't necessarily prefer a relationship with them. I would add, however, that physically more attractive does mean, that women in their early twenties are the most likely to give men the horn on the basis of their appearance alone.

About teen porn. Pornhub have published a very interesting review of the searches made to its site in 2017. I won't link to it, but it's very easy to find and doesn't include any indecent images (I'm guessing that it's probably the only page on the site that doesn't). "Teen" was the 7th most commonly browsed category. In the previous year it was 5th. In that year it was the most popular category in a number of countries: Finland, Belgium, Poland, Turkey, Switzerland, Austria, Hungary, Croatia, Turkey, Bolivia, India and Madagascar. Apart from the last two, these are not countries noted for having a younger demographic, and so it is reasonable to assume that at a fair number of older men are searching for that category.

It is obviously quite normal for the average man to find a woman in her teens sexually very attractive. She is, after all, reaching her peak attractiveness (which would appear to be the early 20s). So those of you saying they'd leave your DHs for searching for teen porn need to bear in mind that if they've done so, they've done nothing abnormal.

I would add that it's probably also quite normal for a man to find a girl of 16 onwards increasingly sexually attractive, depending on how developed she is. There should be nothing controversial about this statement. There is a wealth of evidence, both current and historic, that it is true. Due to the (absolutely justified) concern about paedophilia and sexual assault in the last couple of decades, it has become normal among women and men to pretend that only men who are disordered in some way would find a girl in her mid to late teens sexually alluring. The more honest answer is that yes, we men can find them attractive and society quite rightly expects us (men) to be able to control ourselves, and regards men who don't control their urges as preditors.

As an aside, I note that MILF was even higher, but I don't think this is evidence that men find older women just as physically attractive because it's a specific category for older women and just about all othert categories would feature younger women.

As another side, it's amusing to note the geographic concentration of favourite searches. For the English-speaking world it's "lesbian". For the Eastern bloc it's "anal". For Africa it's - unsurprisingly - African. For the Far East it's cartoon porn and for the historic area of the Austro-Hungarian empire it seems to be teens.

CopONNotLinkedIn · 30/05/2018 20:54

Tom, women don't need to bear anything in mind, my x viewed a lot of porn and I got turned off and I left him.

Your post is interesting but also seems to view women as just overlapping with various different categories of PORN.

Surely attraction can be separated from categories of porn. If men see women as being cookies that fit in to different categories of porn then women will find that very unattractive.

We'd suggest that men ''need'' to bear that in mind but we'd be wasting our time.