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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All men fancy younger women

477 replies

Violetshift · 28/05/2018 22:39

I think I am insanely jealous. So don’t know whether I am BU?

My partner has started tutoring a 19 year old. He is a teacher but she is resisting as she wants a grade 9.

He hasn’t said much about her. I showed him a Facebook picture of her as I know of her. He said she is prettier than that in real life.
Now he thinks this is subjective and nothing untoward. Like he thinks our daughter is pretty.

AIBU and just a jealous hag?

OP posts:
DrowningEveryDay · 29/05/2018 22:25

I have a 39 year old friend who said his cutoff is 20 year old and above.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2018 22:26

I don't blame him for not telling you his phone code. You would just use it to find something to hold against him. I don't mean to be harsh but unless you address your issues this relationship will not last.

ByeMF · 29/05/2018 22:31

Is there other stuff going on that's making you feel insecure? I get hit on by younger men so I don't think you can generalise about what men find attractive.

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:32

Thank you. I will try counselling.
I know its me but they I can’t help thinking I am right.
So I must be crackers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:34

Is there other stuff going on that's making you feel insecure? I get hit on by younger men so I don't think you can generalise about what men find attractive.

Probably damage from my ex projected onto him and his bit of ‘ perviness’

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 22:37

Unless there's something you've not told us I see no hint of 'perviness'

What's next ....telling him he can't watch TV if includes attractive women? Not allowed on the beach when on holiday?

Seriously, you aren't right and you do need help if this relationship has any chance of survival

RebelRogue · 29/05/2018 22:41

@Violetshift you're not crackers love, you're just struggling at the moment. I do hope you do find the help you need so you can be happy..with this man,with another,single..that's irrelevant.

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:42

Unless there's something you've not told us I see no hint of 'perviness'

What's next ....telling him he can't watch TV if includes attractive women? Not allowed on the beach when on holiday?

I know I sound insane. I am not that bad yet.

It was literally his reponses that thew me but get I don’t think rationally on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:43

@Violetshift you're not crackers love, you're just struggling at the moment. I do hope you do find the help you need so you can be happy..with this man,with another,single..that's irrelevant

Thank you

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 22:44

I think you'd really benefit from some counseling. You need to move on from your previous relationship. Whatever he did to you is now ruining your current relationship and potential happiness. I'm sure he really isn't worth that.

TooManyPaws · 29/05/2018 22:45

The men on my dating site all seem to fancy older women. I'm beating the young 'uns off with a shitty stick; can't get anyone my own age to talk to me shock

Ooh, which site? 😉

Actually, thinking back, it's mostly been younger men for me, from the time I was a 21 year old student being chased by a very mature 18 year old schoolboy 🤭. Then I got told off by a 21 year old's pal for going out with him while being 32... My response was that he was an adult and knew how old I was before asking me out. After a long relationship with someone 6 years older, I got chased by a squaddy the age of his son... 😂

Not having had children, perhaps that I'm not seeing younger men as the age of an adult child makes the difference.

So, no, I can say that definitely not all men fancy younger women! However, whatever age a man is, you will drive him away by being jealous for absolutely no reason. Most people will appreciate looks but it doesn't mean that they want to rip that person's clothes off. Likewise, most people, men and women, fantasise about all sorts of people and things that they wouldn't touch with a bargepole in real life but are safe in fantasy. I used to have a book about women's fantasies - now that was an eye-opener.

BuntyII · 29/05/2018 22:51

You know the more I read the more I'm wondering if he is getting fed up and said she's prettier in real life to annoy you after you went looking for her on Facebook.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2018 22:58

You aren't crackers but you do need help. Without it you will not be able to have a successful relationship. If you and your DP split up you will convince yourself that you are correct and all men are cheating pervs, this will make the next relationship even harder. If you get some help now you may be able to save this relationship or at least be in a better frame of mind if you embark on another.

TomPinch · 30/05/2018 07:00

I'm sure there are plenty of men who also fancy older women and appreciate their more mature ... charms. However, the statistics show that men prefer younger women.

This chart suggests that for men of all ages, a woman's attractiveness peaks in her early 20s. It's the same for 20 year-old men and 49 year-old men.

Which is hardly to say that men don't also find older women attractive. They just don't find them attractive to the same degree.

The article doesn't state whether this is a measure simply of physical or overall attractiveness, and being the Guardian there is the usual passive-aggressive dig at men, but I suggest it's physical attractiveness that's probably being considered here.

Just about no woman old or young has found me particularly attractive ime. I still wonder just how I managed to get married. It only takes one I suppose..

IcedPurple · 30/05/2018 07:27

lTom,

But those aren't really 'statistics', are they? They're just stated preferences from a dating website. Actual statistics show that the majority of men marry and form long-term relationships with women close to their own age. OK, you could say that they may still prefer to be with younger women, but since very very few young women want to date much older men, it's scarcely relevant. I might prefer to get it on with Chris Hemsworth, but it isn't going to happen.

But yeah, I'm sure most men do find young women more physically attracitve. Most men are hotter in their youth too. But there's a lot more to a relationship than perky tits or firm abs.

sugarnotsweetener · 30/05/2018 08:03

OP i dont think he sounds pervy at all, i really dont.

Ive been with my husband for 15 years, we are both in our 30s and he is still gorgeous however i can still see when other people are attractive and it doesnt make him any less attractive to me. I think thats what you need to remember, it wont make him fancy you less even if he fancies someone else. Shes 19 the chances are he just said she was pretty which im guessing youd also agree with. As ive gotten older i dont fancy people based on just their appearance - one of my DHs friends is not traditionally good looking but he is so so funny and witty that you cant help but really really like him (feels weird to say fancy as hes a friend!) this is the same for my female friends whove met him too. So you could show me an attractive 19yo and i could say "yes hes really handsome" but i wouldnt fancy him or have any 'urges' towards him.

Its nice to have our own personal thoughts and not have them controlled by our partners, i could fantasise about another man but it wouldnt make me love my DH any less and it doesnt make him less attractive or make me fancy him less. I will always find him the most attractive as i know his full package, his personality, he makes me roar with laughter. I dont want to know who or what hes fantasising about either.

I say this as someone who grew up with a very very violent father and i had an abusive relationship in my late teens so i do completely understand that it can be hard to change your perception of something or how you expect people to act if its ingrained in you but it can be done. Please seek the counselling and build your self esteem, i feel like youre trying to find fault so you can say youre right but thats not fair on either of you.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 08:50

I don’t think @tom was saying that men would prefer to be with a younger woman in a ltr, just that they tend to find women in their twenties more physically attractive. I can’t cite any statistics, but purely based on my life experience, I’d wager that was true. I don’t really get why that’s offensive though. It’s just aesthetics, not the be all and end all. It definitely doesn’t make anyone a pedophile or pervy.

But then I was never a looker really, so I maybe don’t have the same insight as some people. And I’ve never enjoyed being chatted up by all and sundrie either (during the brief period when that happened a lot). It just gave me the creeps, depending on the person doing it of course. Obviously my DP and I managed to find each other.

I’m a bit like @tom; can’t believe I found my OH at all really Grin! We consider ourselves very lucky to have found each other. We’re both in our thirties now, but met in our early twenties and we were good friends first. Maybe that helped 🤷‍♀️. Or maybe I’ll be abandoned for a young wippersnapper when I hit 40. Who knows?

STS120 · 30/05/2018 08:59

There's nothing wrong with what your husband is doing. It would be rather strange if he didn't find her attractive. He should get his testosterone levels checked.

My husband enjoys teen porn. I see nothing wrong with it. It's natural, it's nature. That's how he was wired. You can't change men when their instinct is to reproduce with a young fertile woman with great breasts, flowing hair and a small waist.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 09:08

Nature’s weird though. I’m lucky enough to be in good health, fairly fit, (usually, but I’ve just had a baby, so not so much now), and quite fertile, but have never been a hotty. And my poor hair has never shone or flowed in its life Sad.

STS120 · 30/05/2018 09:12

cake

Some people are just blips

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 09:20

How dare you?! Oh hang on... you said blip, not blimp (arf arf).

IcedPurple · 30/05/2018 09:29

@Cakewars

Where did I say I find it 'offensive' that men fancy younger women? I never said that. I fancy younger men too. I hardly ever find men my own age - late 40s - to be attractive in the physical sense, but then they probably feel the same way about me!

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 09:31

@iced

Wow chill out, I was talking about the people at the beginning who accused what’s his chops of being a pedophile and the op who thinks her Dh is “pervy”. Excuse mix up and all that.

IcedPurple · 30/05/2018 09:31

@STS

"My husband enjoys teen porn. I see nothing wrong with it. "

Ugh. Really? Nothing wrong with your husband watching barely legals getting it on?

"You can't change men when their instinct is to reproduce with a young fertile woman with great breasts, flowing hair and a small waist."

"great breasts, flowing hair and a small waist" have nothing to do with fertility though. And teenagers actually aren't in their prime fertile years - that happens a bit later. But if you're going to use that argument, then I guess you can't change women if their instinct is to reproduce with young fertile men with great biceps and an ability to keep going on all night long.

CakeWars · 30/05/2018 09:34

I have to agree with @iced on the teen porn though (vom). Unless they’re actually 25 year olds in school uniform. But from what I know about the porn industry I expect they have no qualms recruiting the barely legals this fuck up their lives forever.