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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grandparents buy a massive dog. AIBU?

162 replies

prawntail · 28/05/2018 20:21

DD has got a wonderful relationship with her grandparents and stays with them regularly in school holidays. She is a naturally timid child and dislikes being around loud noises, sudden moves or boisterous behaviour. She is a very slight 11 year old. She has a strong fear of dogs. About a month ago with no real warning they got a rescue dog (in fact previously the grandparents had said it was unfair to get a pet as they may not be around long enough to care for it - both in 70's and heavy smokers). Not any old dog but a Cane Corso or Italian Mastiff. Comedically large puppy (18 months) and super exuberant. DD was anxious about going down there but we all reassured her it was friendly and engineered first meeting as calmly as possible and on neutral territory. Day 1 went fine apparently. Day 2 she rang me in hysterics asking to come home and almost screaming with terror. When I collected her she was still trembling. I made a big show of the dog (I am not a fan but am certainly not scared of them) and how friendly he was but she was not having any of it. The dog jumped up at me several times and it is strong. On reading up about the breed it seems most Cane Corsos are "too much dog" for the average household. He is only going to get bigger and stronger although as he matures i assume he will calm down. Anyway, my question is this: AIBU to not insist she goes back there, at least for now. She is adamant she does not want to see the dog again and probably does not quite realise this means not staying with her grandparents. I think i need the dust to settle for the moment but i am worried DD will stick to her guns indefinitely . I am still a little staggered that they bought a dog knowing just how strongly their DGD felt about them but its their house and their choice and I can't possibly ask them to take the dog back. Any advice welcome. Especially on how to manage the dog and DD's relationship moving forward. I am a cat person so have no idea!

OP posts:
Whitney168 · 29/05/2018 17:53

none of you would moan if it was a labrador!

Actually I'd think an adolescent male Labrador a pretty daft rehome to a 70 year old couple with minimal experience too. But this is not a Labrador and needs very different management.

KarmaStar · 29/05/2018 18:21

I had a rescue cane corso,at the time I lived in a very small house,he was the very very best dog i ever had.my three year old niece could walk him on a lead.he understood about being gentle with puppies,children.was a good guard dog,didn't dribble like most mastiff dogs,had two walks a day and slept the rest.
I've had many rescue dogs.
He shone way and above any other dog I've owned or known.

OneStepSideways · 29/05/2018 18:26

YANBU to keep your daughter away from the dog. She's frightened of it. Dogs are never be 100% safe especially a big muscular breed that could kill someone within minutes if it turned. It's just not worth the risk.

Nooblynoo · 29/05/2018 18:30

How are you with dogs?

User12879923378 · 29/05/2018 18:37

I love dogs and have a lot of experience with them, including bigger dogs like shepherds and dobermans (doberman? ). Giant breeds are a completely different kettle of fish. A confident sensible 11 year old who has experience of dogs might be fine but I would not make a frightened one go to a house with a giant dog. Why didn't they get something gentler or smaller? That might actually have brought your daughter round.

User12879923378 · 29/05/2018 18:38

*dobermen

TitZillas · 29/05/2018 19:01

Large dog breeds can* be much more docile and good-natured than smaller yappy terrier type breeds. I can understand your DD being terrified of it though, a CC is a pretty imposing sight. Particularly an untrained, jumpy, excitable ‘teenage’ one. YANBU fo keep your DD away. Was there a particular incident that preceded her screaming and phone-call to you?

Booboostwo · 29/05/2018 20:16

When did Cane Corsos become a giant breed? If anything they are not even a large breed in terms of height. They are impressively muscular and fairly wide though.

MismatchedPJs · 29/05/2018 20:34

Really Booboo? Not the best quality source but this puts them at #5 in "world's heaviest dog breeds". Surely that's a big enormous dog by anyone's standards?

iheartdogs.com/10-heaviest-dog-breeds/

Willow2017 · 29/05/2018 20:38

If it was an untrained, bouncy teenage lab i would be just as annoyed if it scared my kids when they were younger.

It doesnt matter how good ccs are once properly trained and looked after with positive reinforcement regularly. This one isnt and it could hurt a child quite by accident. Not the dogs fault it isnt trained in any way at 18mths. But if the gps dont put the time and effort in the dog will soon cotton on who is in charge.

Fairylea · 29/05/2018 20:51

I feel sad for your dd and sad for the dog too. A big bouncy dog is not a good match for most families with children - either visiting children or children living at home. I wish rescues would realise this. We’ve just been through the rehoming process and one of the dogs we visited at a particular rescue was matched to us and described as a lovely family dog. We have two dc, aged 6 and 15, so not little children but my youngest is still reasonably little iyswim.

Anyway, this dog was so bouncy it was ridiculous. It came out to meet us standing on hind legs, trying to jump right into my sons face. Not in an aggressive way, just playfully but this was too much for my son and he was absolutely terrified - as I think any younger child would be.

Obviously we said no to this dog - who was a lovely dog but needed an older family with lots of time to train him etc - and we have gone on to rehome (from a different rescue) a very placid, family friendly greyhound who has settled in amazingly and has been no trouble at all, at all, with my dc so far (although obviously I am sensible and being cautious at all times, both dh and I have lots of dog experience).

The other dog we have noticed is still advertised in the rescue pages as being suitable for young school aged children! I think this is totally wrong. Just because a dog is not aggressive doesn’t mean they are child friendly!

Even a young puppy can be terrible around children - they mouth and have very sharp teeth and can be very bouncy with sharp claws!

I love dogs to bits but sometimes people just don’t understand how being “friendly” isn’t enough when it comes to dogs and children.

greenlavender · 29/05/2018 20:58

I wish people would stop obsessing about the child being afraid of dogs. Some people are & that's life.

nooka · 29/05/2018 21:16

To me a giant breed is something more like a great dane or wolfhound, looking at the stats for Cane Corsos they are seem pretty similar to a Rottweiller in size and weight. So a big heavy strong dog but not an extreme breed. However that's not to say that the dog couldn't be trouble if not well trained. It sounds as if the couple are experienced dog owners and have been assessed by a reputable rescue so I'm not sure why it's such a guaranteed disaster. The OP hasn't said that her GP-in-law are frail, presumably they are home all the time and hopefully they have a suitable fenced garden and have been lined up with training and support. I don't think an 11 year old visitor in school holidays only should have been considered a show stopper for adoption.

Roomba · 29/05/2018 22:26

My old neighbour had a Cane Corso. It was massive, built like a brick shithouse and managed to break her ankle and arm when it pulled her over during a walk once!

YA def NBU OP.

Willow2017 · 29/05/2018 22:53

I know a 'reputable' dog rescue that advertised a dog as family friendly. The staff went into the kennel 2 at a time as they couldn't trust it!
I wouldnt believe that all rescues are riggerous in vetting potential owners and dogs. Hopefully i am wrong and they have had advice on current training methods and the training a dog of this breed needs.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/05/2018 09:00

none of you would moan if it was a labrador!

Labradors aren't always as amiable as people think. An uncastrated male lab can be a very determined, independent and aggressive dog indeed! And like all dogs, they need to be taught how to be have.

I assume this CC is castrated if it came from a rescue, but if not, it needs to be done NOW.

PurpleTrilby · 30/05/2018 10:40

Just to chime in with agreement about this being a very odd choice of dog! I have a friend who has a cane corso, who is lovely, I also know the dog well. However, this is only because she got him neutered as young as possible (she said she could not trust him if not neutered at 6 months), knows a LOT about dogs and this breed in particular, and was fastidious about training him, complete consistency all his life. They are a one person dog, really, bred for protecting their owner only. All dogs need to know their place in the 'pack', ie family, but this one really needs to be very clear about their place in the pecking order and that must be below people, always, or they will dominate and that worries me. For instance, when staying with my friend, getting into the back of her truck, she would get in first, then indicate me and my partner should get in, then finally allow the dog in. He had been trained to know people come first. He also got fed last, every time. So no problem, with people anyway, he gets very aggressive to all other dogs if he does not know them well, is kept chained by the collar when necessary, rope would not hold him. He weighs 14 stone, could easily overpower even a large adult if he was not trained well. I think the GPs here will not keep that dog for long unless they can do everything right, all the time. I would personally not be around it myself and think you are absolutely right to keep your DD away from him.

As an aside, I despair when people allow children to 'play' with dogs, they are not toys, they are very sensitive animals who want calm and routine. Kids - and adults for that matter - should be taught to basically ignore them until they know each other better through the owner and not jump around them and try to dress them up.

BlueSapp · 30/05/2018 10:48

YANBU, dogs are dangerous and have no place around children, even the most timid of dog has the capability to attack anyone given the right circumstances.

LondonTheNovel · 30/05/2018 11:38

Completely agree, BlueSapp. Baffles me why parents take the risk.

RadicalFern · 30/05/2018 13:12

I agree with pp, big dog =/= aggressive dog, but it should be learning not to jump up at people, and your DD shouldn’t have to see it if she doesn’t want to. Dog should definitely be going to classes as GP don’t have dog experience (and it’s as much to trrain them as train the dog!)

Ohmydayslove · 30/05/2018 13:19

Well it’s stupid behaviour to get a huge dog but at 70!! They must be idiotic.

I would be as terrified as your dd op. No way would I visit. We have a tiny yorkie who is very gentle but never ever do I leave her and my grand babies alone together.

Trust your dds instincts. You didn’t cause this issue they did.

lapenguin · 30/05/2018 13:37

What has caused your DD's fear of dogs?
I second (or third?) that you need to address her fear and make her feel stronger and more confident about it.
Also I know it's a big dog but when trained right they are really lovely, when my son was about 9 months old we were bbqing with some people and they had one, he crawled up to it and they started playing together (well as much as a baby and a big dog can, more like baby was fascinated by the dog and the dog was enjoying the attention). (I was also obviously there with my baby)

Willow2017 · 30/05/2018 16:20

What does it matter what caused the fear?
My ds was terrified of dogs for years after someone thought their puppy jumping up at him repeatedly and raking its claws down him was 'cute' when he was a toddler. No amount of talking, reasoning, meeting other dogs with him stopped him running blind whenever he saw a dog. He grew out of it himself.

And a dog that size jumping around or at you isnt going to solve any fear of dogs. Its just going to reinforce the idea that dogs are unpredictable and dangerous. I wouldnt want an 18mth cc jumping up at me never mind as an 11yr old, they are large dogs by then and would knock a child over no problem. If gps thought this was ok then they havent a clue how to train a dog of this type (or any dog for that matter, any uncontrolled dog is a menace)

SugarPlumLairy · 30/05/2018 17:39

OP, it really doesn't matter why your DD is scared of dogs, or what type of dog the grandparents got, it IS important that you advocate for your child, you are NOT being unreasonable to keep her away from a dangerous environment - which is what the grandparents house has turned into.

all breeds can be dangerous, the owners need to know what they are doing, puppies need training, so do new owners. Personally I think it's a terrible match by the rescue home.

No more overnights or visits at grandmas house, they can meet you (without dog).

The question now is can the grandparents make better, safe choices to continue a relationship with your DD.

Good luck and I hope your DD is over her scare and coping well .

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 30/05/2018 18:11

When my DS was 2 my DPs got a rescue labrador.
We've had rescue dogs all my childhood, they've always had dogs, I love dogs, I worked with dogs.
However my DP's approach to training/control was not appropriate when they were looking after DS who loved the dog and they would play without any boundaries. I was worried DS would drag on his collar and one day the teenage dog would just get carried away and scratch/mouth/bite. So DP's only had DS visits when I was there and could supervise until I was happy DS was old enough, I'd convinced DPs they needed to train him better and it was safe(r).
5 years on, DS still loves the dog (and their second rescue), we've never had a moment's trouble, DS & DD play with and train and feed the dogs.
Your DD may be able to use this opportunity to address her fear of dogs and your PILs and DD and the dog may have a long happy life together but only if you set safe boundaries now, and for me that would mean until DD and you are happy & confident around the dog, it's supervised visits only (with you there, or at your house with no dog). It's really not worth the risk, even if there is no physical harm your DD could become scared of dogs for life.
Maybe ask your PILs to take the dog to a regular training class, see if DD wants to go along to watch one time?