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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents buy a massive dog. AIBU?

162 replies

prawntail · 28/05/2018 20:21

DD has got a wonderful relationship with her grandparents and stays with them regularly in school holidays. She is a naturally timid child and dislikes being around loud noises, sudden moves or boisterous behaviour. She is a very slight 11 year old. She has a strong fear of dogs. About a month ago with no real warning they got a rescue dog (in fact previously the grandparents had said it was unfair to get a pet as they may not be around long enough to care for it - both in 70's and heavy smokers). Not any old dog but a Cane Corso or Italian Mastiff. Comedically large puppy (18 months) and super exuberant. DD was anxious about going down there but we all reassured her it was friendly and engineered first meeting as calmly as possible and on neutral territory. Day 1 went fine apparently. Day 2 she rang me in hysterics asking to come home and almost screaming with terror. When I collected her she was still trembling. I made a big show of the dog (I am not a fan but am certainly not scared of them) and how friendly he was but she was not having any of it. The dog jumped up at me several times and it is strong. On reading up about the breed it seems most Cane Corsos are "too much dog" for the average household. He is only going to get bigger and stronger although as he matures i assume he will calm down. Anyway, my question is this: AIBU to not insist she goes back there, at least for now. She is adamant she does not want to see the dog again and probably does not quite realise this means not staying with her grandparents. I think i need the dust to settle for the moment but i am worried DD will stick to her guns indefinitely . I am still a little staggered that they bought a dog knowing just how strongly their DGD felt about them but its their house and their choice and I can't possibly ask them to take the dog back. Any advice welcome. Especially on how to manage the dog and DD's relationship moving forward. I am a cat person so have no idea!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 28/05/2018 21:59

Some 70 year olds are fit and active, some are a bit decrepit and some drop dead.

It’s strange to give a young rehome to an older couple as in 10 years they may well be past exercising it. My 80 year old parents certainly would be.

If anything happens to either of them they may not be able to cope with such a dog alone. They may even have to downsize etc.

Original poster
prawntail · 28/05/2018 22:02

gambaspilpilmyfav they did not say anything really, just that he is a very good dog and very friendly and harmless. I had very stern words with GM on phone when she was not doing anything to calm my DD down except get a bit hysterical herself. ("pull yourself together, you are the adult here" spring to mind). No wonder the dog was flipping out. The GM had previously said that she did not want to 'lose' my DD so I am assuming she realises it was a possibility.

OP posts:
Cannockcanring · 28/05/2018 22:02

Seventy is not that old .Many 70s year olds are fit strong and active
True, but they need to be very strong, fit and active at 80 too, and 85, to care for this sort of animal, and as heavy smokers, the chances of that are not so good.

I suspect that many fit, youthful, non-smoking 80 year olds would find an enormous dog a challenge.

There is a good chance that at some stage in the dogs life they won't be able to care for it anymore, and it will need rehoming again, which isn't the best for the dog, and as others have said - it seems very unlikely that a reputable dogs home would give an untrained, enormous puppy to an elderly couple of heavy smokers who regularly have a child around Hmm

Jamiem80 · 28/05/2018 22:05

Can't judge either way my parents are dog people and have always had terriers which my dc were scared of. After the last one was put to sleep they got a rescue boxer. Both my dc have instantly taken to it and suddenly have no fear of dogs at all. Unexpected and almost unexplainable but sometimes things just work out.

TatianaLarina · 28/05/2018 22:05

That’s why it’s so irresponsible - high possibility of further rehome.

tabulahrasa · 28/05/2018 22:16

Um... they’re not that massive you know, they’re about Rottweiler sized (so nowhere near 10 stones) and at 18 months he’ll not grow any more than a couple of centimetres, if at all, fill out a bit, but not grow.

They also like most large breed dogs rarely make double figures, so in 10 years, the GPs will not be having to walk an energetic young dog, they’ll have a lazy old man dog.

It’s a bit of an odd choice if you know your granddaughter is scared of dogs and yes they’re not really regarded as easy dogs... but presumably the rescue assessed him?

Bambino121 · 28/05/2018 22:17

Op - have you considered contacting the rescue it came from and explaining your concerns yourself? If they really are reputable then they might make contact with them and do a follow up visit to discuss concerns. Particularly if the dogs welfare is under concern

Judydreamsofhorses · 28/05/2018 22:18

That dog is massive - I have always been a dog person and would be slightly nervous when I first met one.

We have a small, gentle, extremely friendly white cat, and one of my friends has a very nervous 11 year old boy who is scared of cats. When they visit, she gets shut in the kitchen if she’s inside. Her only crime is begging for treats (she is like a dog) and covering everything in hair, but I would never, ever want a child to feel scared or uncomfortable in my home.

BlueEyedBengal · 28/05/2018 22:22

I was attacked every day for 2 years by my mothers huge Germán Shepard I would. I was 12-14 yrs at the time and she put him before me. It was only when he attacked my niece who was 5 that she had him put down. I have scares everywhere he would jump up and go for my face I learned to grab him by the baggy skin on his neck but he would still scratch my arms. My mum would ask me to make her a coffee so when I came in to the side room with it he would jump up and go for my face, she would sit there grinning as struggling with him never helping . She would walk around the neighbourhood walking him thinking she could control him. One day he got away from her and attacked a much smaller terrier and bit through his gut next day the dog had died police where called and she was charged with an out of control dog. 2 days after that he had my niece by the face my bil beat the he'll out of him and got him off her he went for me and my sister on the way out he was down the vets that evening my sister has been n c since. My niece was very lucky as she had mostly grazing and minimal puncture wounds. I think it was a mistake they gave such a large dog to such an elderly couple and I would never leave Child near a dog that size.

willsa · 28/05/2018 22:40

Killer dogs. I wouldn't take my child round, or turn up myself. It would be enough of a reason to go NC for me. I can't abide by stupidity that endangers other people.

MissWimpyDimple · 28/05/2018 22:54

No way in hell would my DD be going back there.

She's also 11 and although working on it, is also very scared of dogs.

We've really been trying to work through it and she WANTS to be ok but a 5 stone jumpy puppy would be out of the question!!!!!

gambaspilpilmyfav · 28/05/2018 23:16

prawntail it sounds like its a no going back to GM house for a while. If they were unable to support your DD in dealing with their energetic, large pup she cant go back. I hate the comments 'oh he is harmless, he is just being friendly'. Perhaps when the pup is older and the GP have trained it properly they could try again.

LighthouseSouth · 28/05/2018 23:35

I like dogs
But quite honestly knowing how your DD feels, and also they don't have a relationship with your DH, it seems to me they have made a choice that might imply they are not keen for your DD to stay there? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it does strike me as a being a really odd choice, a dog that's a challenge for experienced owners with a child who is scared of dogs?

Or do they have an aggressive idea of fixing her fear?

Dieu · 28/05/2018 23:36

Why is your daughter so terrified of dogs? This is something I would want to address first and foremost. I always find it so sad when children are fearful of dogs, as to me they're the best thing ever Grin
Baby steps with introducing and socialising child & pup, maybe using a dog behaviourist in the short term. Your daughter never going round there is not a solution. Yeah, the situation isn't ideal, but the pup is here now and that's that.
You could always get a baby stairgate to keep pup away during visits too, and take it gradually from there.

CraftyYankee · 29/05/2018 00:12

Sorry Dieu but this is nonsense:

Baby steps with introducing and socialising child & pup, maybe using a dog behaviourist in the short term. Your daughter never going round there is not a solution.

Her DD not going around there until GPs either have control of the dog or the dog is rehomed (or at a minimum in a separate room the whole time) is the ONLY solution. Otherwise OP is throwing her daughter's sense of safety under the bus of GPs entitlement. (Umm...not sure that metaphor makes sense, but you get the idea.)

GPs have made this decision and they have to live with the consequences, not OPs DD. Especially when there is an outsize risk of physical harm as the consequence.

insomuchpain · 29/05/2018 00:27

I love dogs I really do but if my in laws or parents bought a massive knowing full well my child was scared of them. I'd say you want to see her you come to our house. Job done.

insomuchpain · 29/05/2018 00:28

also it's a rescue so they don't no if he is harmless or not! So no my child wouldn't of been left with a dog like that anyway

auntyflonono · 29/05/2018 12:26

Doesn't matter if its a poodle or a glove puppet, if she is scared and doesn't want to go then no pressure and no to GPs asking.

Catsrus · 29/05/2018 12:48

The dog IS NOT a puppy - it's 18 months old. Adolescent. It's likely to have been in rescue, like other adolescent large male dogs, because the original owners didn't know what they were doing, didn't do basic training, and ended up with a powerful and out of control dog.

I wouldn't let any of my children go in that situation. We once took on a similar large breed at 13 months, realised quickly we'd been lied to about the reasons for rehoming him. He killed one of my cats. He went back before it was one of the children. He was not a vicious dog, but he was powerful and not controllable.

UpstartCrow · 29/05/2018 12:52

Baby steps with introducing and socialising child & pup, maybe using a dog behaviourist in the short term.

Its extremely unlikely a behaviourist would accept them as clients, except to tell them to return the dog to the shelter. Let alone agree to work with a child around the dog. They'd fail any risk assessment.

Introducing a dog to children starts after training the dog and gaining some control over it.

gambaspilpilmyfav · 29/05/2018 13:15

Catsrus i hadn't even picked up on the dog being 18mths old so definitely not a puppy....its right in the middle of adolescence and will get worse if the owners are not training it

ElfrideSwancourt · 29/05/2018 14:17

My PIL used to have a completely untrained and unexercised collie -we never left the children alone with him as I didn't really trust him but both PIL swore blind he was fine.

Well lo and behold, he attacked our niece- bit her all up her back.
ILs still wanted to keep the dog - my DH and SIL had to really lay it on the line that the GC wouldn't be back until the dog was gone.
Please put your DD first- I'm sure you will.

ohtheholidays · 29/05/2018 14:29

I've had a Cane Corso give me a love before,I felt like I was being mugged Grin,the daft thing landed me on my arse because it was so desperate to give me a kiss and a cuddle.

But I'm not scared of Dogs(we have 3 of our own)I grew up with Greyhounds and a neighbours giant GreatDane(he was big even for his breed)used to walk to my school every day to walk me home.

But I wouldn't be happy for any of my children to be around that breed if the owners were clueless which it sounds like your IL's are.

I'm another one that's shocked and appalled at a shelter handing over such a young and powerful breed to a couple that have no experience with these kinds of Dogs.

SweetCheeks1980 · 29/05/2018 14:41

YABU
As a grandmother your ILs have raised their childrent and are allowed to live their lives as they want.
For what it's worth a dog will behave exactly as it's raised and large breed dogs are usually much more patient with children - even if it's a hysterical one screaming at it for no reason Hmm.
You really can't dictate what they can and can't get on their house.
I have five dogs. Dogs are fine.

You may end up with custody of said dog if they pass away before the dog - although large breeds don't live as long as smaller dogs.

annandale · 29/05/2018 14:53

Good point there, ask them to update their wills to say what should happen to the dog if they die, and make it clear it won't be coming to you.