Grandparents buy a massive dog. AIBU?

[prawntail]

DD has got a wonderful relationship with her grandparents and stays with them regularly in school holidays. She is a naturally timid child and dislikes being around loud noises, sudden moves or boisterous behaviour. She is a very slight 11 year old. She has a strong fear of dogs. About a month ago with no real warning they got a rescue dog (in fact previously the grandparents had said it was unfair to get a pet as they may not be around long enough to care for it - both in 70's and heavy smokers). Not any old dog but a Cane Corso or Italian Mastiff. Comedically large puppy (18 months) and super exuberant. DD was anxious about going down there but we all reassured her it was friendly and engineered first meeting as calmly as possible and on neutral territory. Day 1 went fine apparently. Day 2 she rang me in hysterics asking to come home and almost screaming with terror. When I collected her she was still trembling. I made a big show of the dog (I am not a fan but am certainly not scared of them) and how friendly he was but she was not having any of it. The dog jumped up at me several times and it is strong. On reading up about the breed it seems most Cane Corsos are "too much dog" for the average household. He is only going to get bigger and stronger although as he matures i assume he will calm down. Anyway, my question is this: AIBU to not insist she goes back there, at least for now. She is adamant she does not want to see the dog again and probably does not quite realise this means not staying with her grandparents. I think i need the dust to settle for the moment but i am worried DD will stick to her guns indefinitely . I am still a little staggered that they bought a dog knowing just how strongly their DGD felt about them but its their house and their choice and I can't possibly ask them to take the dog back. Any advice welcome. Especially on how to manage the dog and DD's relationship moving forward. I am a cat person so have no idea!

YANBU at all.
As you say, up to them if they choose to get that sort of a dog, that is entirely up to them, but I wouldn't be making my dd go to the house either.
You are not over reacting.

She is adamant she does not want to see the dog again and probably does not quite realise this means not staying with her grandparents

She’s 11. Of course she has worked that out.

Personally i wouldn’t have let her stay with a pair of heavy smokers. Passive smoking is probably more dangerous than the dog.

Stick to whatever she’s comfortable with. Suggest to GP the dog needs to be either thoroughly trained or kept in another room/outside if dd visits. Or they visit you, with neither dog nor cigarettes.

Here's something I think I might be useful for!

My mother runs a dog rescue. Outside of the dog rescue she has 9-11 dogs in the house at one time (dogs passing away, foster puppies that need TLC). She is a wonderful woman and I wouldn;t want to stop her doing what she does. My children love the dogs but I insist that new dogs are not around them. There are four or five I would be ok with, but even then I won't allow them to be around my children unsupervised.

A) Pack mentality. This is not relevant in your situation, but that is the reason for my argument.

B) Kids are small and dogs are big and can be unpredictable.

My mother was offended the first time I said I wasn't comfortable with the dogs around the children. She said 'but theyre harmless'. I still wasnt comfortable and just said that I wasnt leaving the kids with her unless she could promise me that the dogs would not be around the children.

My kids were younger, and would have no hesitation pulling on tails or trying to dress a dog up as a princess.

Im not anti-dog, I have a rescue pup of my own. However I did have to put my foot down and say no.

Can he stay out the back, or be in a different area fenced off with a stairgate?

My mother wasnt happy, but I said that if they dogs were not away then the kids couldnt come over anymore.

YANBU.

@celebelly - thanks for that advice. I think she just stands stock still and shakes but will makes sure all these tips are put into practice for next meeting. Weirdly it was actually a very reputable rescue centre. @runmummyrun68 - I can't make a plan for them, I don't know the dog or control it. I think they need to take ownership of how the relationship pans out from here on in and i will do my best to make it work. As i said in my OP it IS their house and I can't make them take it back :)

WTAF

How will the GPS deal with a CC?

Your DD sounds reasonable, tbh

I have lots of experience with large dogs and cannot quite understand why the GPs acquired such a dog as a Cane Corso. They are A LOT of hard work and definitely not for the inexperienced owner. Sorry for the situation you're in OP but I'd take a guess that the dog won't be with them for long once the reality of owning a Cane Corso sets in.

Of course YANBU. I wouldn't have sent her there with that animal, anyway. Accident waiting to happen. Don't send her back. But your parents don't need to come up with a plan, it's their lives.

I wonder if they told the rescue centre some fibs! I'd be very surprised if a rescue centre would knowingly rehome a dog of that breed and age to anyone who had a child regularly visiting. Dogs like that should really go through breed rescue too so they can go to homes who are experienced with that breed. Cane Corsos are not really for your average dog owner, and normal rescue centres aren't really equipped to deal with them.

@reallyanotherone - they don't smoke in the house! its not 1975 :)
I only mentioned the smoking as their health may not be great and they are in their 70s and the dog is young....I think events have already established I won't be taking it, if the worst happens!

Just googled Cane Corso I need one in my life!

Obviously, it's the kind of dog that needs a lot of exercise and training, I sincerely hope that they can give him this so he's not passed from pillar to post again. As others have said, it's an odd match for a rescue and I question that he came from a legitimate rescue at all.

Dear God, that’s enormous !

I’m amazed a rescue center would give two elderly people a dog like this - extremely irresponsible on their part.
And frankly, very irresponsible of your parents/PILS too. Elderly people and big dogs are NOT a good combination in my experience as they are too set in their ways to cope with a boisterous “teenager” dog who has more strength than the pair of them. Plus, unless they are very experienced dog owners they won’t have the knowledge needed to train a dog like this.
You are NOT being unreasonable not sending your daughter to stay with them. You are protecting her from potential physical damage - especially since she is nervous . This , hormonally, translates as fear, a dog will smell and sense this and his instincts will make him nervous and twitchy too. You indicate he is a dog (as opposed to a bitch) which in my experience ( lots of dogs inc Labradors, Rhodesian Ridgebacks, Rottweilers and sprinter spaniels) makes them harder to train. Male dogs also will - if not trained well enough and if they don’t have a strong enough ‘master’- have a go at being ‘pack leader’ which can lead to no end of trouble .
It just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen in my humble opinion so keep your daughter out of it. If they want to see her, they can come to you - without the dog!
I actually feel really really sorry for the dog who through no fault of his own has been placed it’s a family who will not be able to give him what he needs and will end up being passed from pillar to post. ☹️

Don’t let DD go there to stay again and if she goes, she goes with you and the dog is locked outside. If they want to spend time with her they take her somewhere dogless.

Are they crazy

OP - we know a very lovely CC - he’s a sweet boy and my DC play with him often. However, they’re very used to dogs and aren’t afraid of them.
How do you think your DD would feel about ‘taking control’ of her fear and using this situation to overcome it? The dog is very young and should be really receptive to positive training ‘games’....obviously always with you around too incase DD becomes afraid.
One thing we do with a new dog (lots of fosters) as well as our own - is to encourage DC to be the one in charge and to ‘help’ In the simple (supervised by me or DH) training.

I’d never leave a dog alone with a young child - not fair on either of them. We always have a bag of dried liver treats - and do a simple ‘sit’ - “good boy - take it gently” exercise - then a walk in garden on short lead - “good boy - heel” etc. Of course, always supervised by you - but if DD sees you doing this with him and that he responds ( the dried liver is irresistible 😂) - then your DD May feel confident enough to help and eventually give him little bits of training herself ( supervised).
Thus taking control of, and overcoming her fear - if this is something you feel is useful for her to do ?
My niece was TERRIFIED of horses and ponies - wept uncontrollably whenever she came to stay - we have 3 horses and 2 ponies - she wouldn’t ride out with us, go near the stable blah blah - fast forward 5 years - she’s now 13 and is horse mad - doing her first P2P in a couple of weeks.
Hope she’s ok

If it's a cane corso then it isn't really a dog for anyone without experience in dog-owning - they are a guarding breed; incredibly strong, courageous, independent-minded and not a dog for anyone who isn't physically strong, or not knowledgeable about dogs.

I've had dogs all my life and wouldn't consider a dog like this as a pet because I know that I couldn't physically restrain it if I needed to. I don't think they are a particularly aggressive breed, but their sheer size means that with out meaning to they could easily injure a child (or indeed an adult).

I can't think what possessed them to choose this particular type of dog. They are a frightening breed even to look at if you aren't confident with dogs - at 18 months it won't be fully mature for about another year, so it will continue to get bigger, heavier and stronger.

If your daughter is afraid, then I wouldn't make her go to her grand-parents.

(If they wanted a biggish dog, the rescues are full of greyhounds, which are very gentle - personally I think they're crackers, and I'm surprised that any rescue allowed an elderly couple to take on such a huge and energetic dog.)

Strange choice of dog given the demographic but ...........just a suggestion (don't flame me) but perhaps they've decided to put their own needs/desires (shock/horror!!) first for a change........just a thought?

What rescue rehomed that breed with a pair of elderly novice dog owners who have visiting children?

Are your in laws experienced dog owners OP? Have they had any experience of large breeds?

user148andlotsofothernumbers

No-one says they shouldn't get a dog - but they don't seem to have been sensible about it. They are an elderly couple, possibly with compromised health - the odds are that this large energetic and very. very powerful dog will end up bored, under-exercised and consequently dangerous.

It doesn't have to actually attack anyone - 10 stones of dog charging into. jumping up on even a big bloke can cause a lot of damage. A child could end up with broken limbs or a fractured skull. And if it does get aggressive, there is no way anyone will be able to control it.

What on earth were they thinking getting a dog like that?

Are you sure it came from the rescue and not from gumtree or similar?

I am not someone who loves dogs, but can be persuaded by a cute smaller/medium size dog with an in charge owner and will happily sit/be around them in that circumstance.

Bigger dogs like this, no way, there's something about them being around teeth-height if I sit down that makes me really nervous- so much as I can appreciate the look of Rotweillers, German Shepherds, Giant Boxers and so on, I just don't want to be around them as I can't relax.

This would be one of those dogs, and given the owners are clueless and the dog is bouncy, I'd just not want to be there. It is my worst nightmare type of dog, extremely muscley and potentially not well controlled.

Older children, if they felt dog confident, I wouldn't stop them going but if they didn't want to, then no. Just tell them the truth -you gd is really frightened of the dog and doesn't want to come any more. She gave it a try and the answer is no for now. They can either come up with a solution, like keeping it outside or in one room when she's there, or visit at your house.

It's fine for them to put themselves first (probably not fine for the dog) but the consequence is no more sleepovers for now.

I don't think you should make her go, it has to be her choice but maybe you could suggest the grandparents get the dog into training first. It is an odd thing to do - if your granddaughter regularly goes there then it should really have been a suitable dog for children!

SchadenfreudePersonified - I'm entirely with you, just wanted to try an understand the (possible?) other side of the story .

Jeez I hope the grandparents have experience handling such a big dog. In the right hands with lots of firm training he could end up being a lovely calm dog but for a child already nervous of docs I can totally understand why she is worried and upset by it.

YABU. They can do what they want. Am surprised a rehoming centre would place such a large dog in that sit. though. YANBU. to keep your child away. If the situation is as you describe it I would be surprised if they cope long term so would just sit back quietly and wait.