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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to advise my girls to marry equally

129 replies

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:03

Watching a show last night about untouchable women who were seeking to change things for them and their families through education and

The head master of the school was explaining about why it’s important to get set up your self as a women before entering into marriage

Oh asked for my thoughts and I said knowing what I know now i totally agree and would advise my girls to marry equally in terms of that many of the issues I have had is because my marriage is unequal

My husband is better educated earns more his family is more together

And this has caused lots of issues and I dare say if I earned more or was better educated we would not be together and or some issues we have had wouldn’t have arose

And I see this with a lot of wealthy famous men they get with somone who has nothing and before you know it the piss taking starts because the Reality is you would likey end end destitute

My husband could come home now spit in my face and I would have to stay because I have no means to leave

how sad is thati wonder how many others are in my boat and I mean even if you have a nice husband how many could leave tomorrow if they wanted

OP posts:
GalwayWayfarer · 28/05/2018 15:04

Is your husband that awful OP? I'm so sorry and I hope you're ok. I think it might help to remember that you can always leave - it might not be easy. It might actually be shit and miserable and brutal. But you don't have to out up with that and you can always start over.

UpstartCrow · 28/05/2018 15:05

I think get an education and some security is the best advice to give to women now. There's a really openly nasty culture developing.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:06

And even now I work pt I am still doing all the house work most of the cooking and the majority of the child care stuff

I fear if we both educated to the same level and had similar jobs this would not be the case
Haveing the freedom to leave when you want makes you feel a lot better about staying and I also think it changes how people treat you if they think your their by choice

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 28/05/2018 15:07

Interesting question but

I earnt more than DH and owned my own home when we met.

3 kids later and he's a higher earner (having come from a family that insisted on a degree) and I stayed home. We brought a bigger house which he pays for.

I now work in a lower paid job and couldn't afford to live on my own.

House prices alone have ensured this rather than wages - my first house was £34,000 as opposed to £150,000 -

Kids cause female poverty not bad marriages

Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 15:08

I just encourage both my kids (I have one of each) to be financially independent and always be able to support themselves

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:09

GalwayWayfarer We had a few awful incidents like him mocking my working class accent and also telling me who earns the money and pays the bills I am just saying I guess these things would not be a issues if he saw me as his equal and

The ability to get him to do more would be easier if we have parity in wages and job

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 15:11

We had a few awful incidents like him mocking my working class accent and also telling me who earns the money and pays the bills I am just saying I guess these things would not be a issues if he saw me as his equal and

I couldn't stay married to someone like that or who see's me as inferior to him.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:11

GreenTulips Not sure I agree the friends I have who earn similar amounts husbands more inclined to split childcare and take time off my friends husband took 4 months off so did she

My husband views my job roundly as a hobby so he would t even entertain it

If I were a doctor would he feel the same

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:14

Trinity66

I come to a place we’re I will work to improve my self
And help pay down the mortgage as quickly as possible then we shall see we’re the land lies

It’s unlikely he would let me leave with the children I have nither the education family support or money to fight it

OP posts:
Carycach100 · 28/05/2018 15:15

Equal in terms of wealth, looks, class, money, education, morality?? Which ?
I want my DC to marry someone whom they love and who loves them and treats them right and will make a good father.

Trinity66 · 28/05/2018 15:20

It’s unlikely he would let me leave with the children I have nither the education family support or money to fight it

That's so sad :( It's good you're thinking about your own girls though and trying to break that cycle. And I hope you figure a way to make things better for yourself too. No one deserves to feel like a second class citizen in their own home/family

NewYearNewMe18 · 28/05/2018 15:20

My husband could come home now spit in my face and I would have to stay because I have no means to leave

I take it that you aren't in the UK? I often find these threads quite difficult because it is awkward to comment when you have no background to base a response to. In the UK, and the Americas and Europe and I dare say lots of other places, you could leave. I assume you mean you are culturally tied. Arranged marriage or similar?

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:23

I am on the uk and yes he could do that right now and I would go we’re

I have no family and 1 friend my car is paid for by him as my wage is so low I wouldn’t even be able to drive away

OP posts:
BakewellTart01 · 28/05/2018 15:25

It seems your DP attitude is the same.
My DH and I do currently earn a similar amount.
However, that hasnt always been the case. whilst i was at university and working on placements etc he paid our mortgage and all our bills.
Even during this he would take on half the jobs in the house and even now he will still do a share.

i only say all this because it isn't normal. I don't think my DH would ever treat me in the way yours has. He can be a bell-end on occasion but your DH seems to be financially controlling you.

rockshandy · 28/05/2018 15:26

Is the issue equality in terms of class etc? I think its actually about finding a man that truly sees women as equal to men, and values his wife as his partner.

Those men do exist, I married one. But I had my fair share of fakers before that who would talk the talk but deep down they had a contempt for women.

I am sorry that you feel this way OP.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:27

I
Just wanted to say really I would tell my girls to marry some one who is their equal

And then the chances of issues occuring are less I think to hitch yourself and be so dependent of them is not a good idea

If I was married to some who workd on a low income I think our relationship would be a lot more equal

OP posts:
CremeBrulee · 28/05/2018 15:27

I don't think so OP, it sounds like your H has a horrible attitude towards you and whether you were highly educated or not, he would still be a nasty twat picking holes in your insecurities.

I do agree though that being financially independent is incredibly important and I would never ever want my DD to be dependent on a partner.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:28

rockshandy

Class
Education and
Wealth I think

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 28/05/2018 15:29

You could leave. You need to believe that you could leave, because it sounds like you need to believe.

It might not be easy; you might have to adapt to a different lifestyle, financially and materially, than you are used to now. You might need to claim some benefits whilst you built up your working situation. But you could leave. He cannot stop you leaving, he cannot prevent you leaving with your children - that's what the courts are for, to make those decisions.

Would you consider speaking with somebody at Women's Aid?

Momo27 · 28/05/2018 15:29

Your situation sounds awful OP.

Tbh, having sons and a daughter, we’ve always encouraged them all to aspire to good qualifications and a good, interesting work life, so that they can be independent, fulfilled adults regardless of whether they choose a partner, whether they have kids, or not

CremeBrulee · 28/05/2018 15:31

Those things are red herrings OP. I've seen men married to women of the same class, as well or better educated than them and with no money worries treat their wives appallingly.

It's not about class, education or wealth it's being an abusive shit that's the common denominator.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/05/2018 15:32

Which is not what you asked, I know. I don't think marrying equally is the best message to put across - but I recognise the wider point it makes. You need your girls to know that they should live their own lives, have their own careers, pursue relationships with men who respect them as equals. You need your girls to have the confidence, the self-esteem and the self-belief to be able to walk away from a bad relationship.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/05/2018 15:33

(And to know that the only sort of relationship worth having is one with somebody who improves your life in every way.)

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 28/05/2018 15:34

Surely it is worth encouraging your daughters to get as good an education as they can for its own sake? If they are well qualified and able to support themselves, they will have more choices as they move through life and depending on a partner will not be an issue.

SantaClauseMightWork · 28/05/2018 15:34

How old are you OP? Whereabouts in the U.K.? What is your age?
I have a few examples of women that I know but are quite outing so won't post here but you can PM me if it feel ok to you.
You should start working to turn your life around. It will be very hard work. But will it not be worth it?