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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to advise my girls to marry equally

129 replies

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:03

Watching a show last night about untouchable women who were seeking to change things for them and their families through education and

The head master of the school was explaining about why it’s important to get set up your self as a women before entering into marriage

Oh asked for my thoughts and I said knowing what I know now i totally agree and would advise my girls to marry equally in terms of that many of the issues I have had is because my marriage is unequal

My husband is better educated earns more his family is more together

And this has caused lots of issues and I dare say if I earned more or was better educated we would not be together and or some issues we have had wouldn’t have arose

And I see this with a lot of wealthy famous men they get with somone who has nothing and before you know it the piss taking starts because the Reality is you would likey end end destitute

My husband could come home now spit in my face and I would have to stay because I have no means to leave

how sad is thati wonder how many others are in my boat and I mean even if you have a nice husband how many could leave tomorrow if they wanted

OP posts:
Neweternal · 28/05/2018 16:55

My Grandmother in the 1950s used to be laughed at for educating her girls through university. Three girls working class all became high achieving professionals, all became single mothers too. My mother just gave me one piece of advice and it was "Never become reliant on a man", great advice! If I have a daughter I want her to be able to walk away without the added stress of poverty. All the woman in my family are educated, I am not very academic. So I run a successful business and have paid off my mortgage, young and could afford private education for one child on my own.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 17:04

LifeBeginsAtGin It was on Netflix about shanty Bavan

If you google Netflix documentary about untouchables you should get it

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 17:09

LoveInTokyo No thank god

OP posts:
BlueSapp · 28/05/2018 17:09

I think your husband is the problem OP he's not a very nice person from your description, I would encourage you to make sure your children are better and don't see him as a good example.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/05/2018 17:10

New your grandmother had great foresight.

But the OP isn't posting about being married to dick, she's saying girls need to be educated academically and encouraged to be independent- if she had a well paying career she could walk away and have the same standard of living.

The problem for those whose DH's are well paid is they can stay and be treated badly or leave and end up in a B&B living off benefits Sad

AdoraBell · 28/05/2018 17:11

I’ve googled, looks like it’s titled Daughters of Destiny

caterpuller · 28/05/2018 17:12

I don't advise my daughter about marriage at all. I don't see it as a life goal to aspire to right now (she's 11). There is so much more to the life she has ahead of her than aspiring to settling down. Obviously having a happy relationship and having a family is something I hope she will have in her future, but I also think she doesn't need to be thinking about that at her age. It's more important for her to be happy and enjoy her childhood, to feel supported and loved by her family and to find something she loves doing. The rest will follow. If she's got self esteem, is well grounded, confident, independent, then I won't worry about the rest.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 17:13

Well then metoodear, it's a different situation. You weren't entitled to anything more than child maintenance from your ex, but if you divorce your husband you will be entitled to more than that from him.

BlueSapp · 28/05/2018 17:14

yes its a mistake to not make the most of your talents regardless of how you see the future, being able to live is the most important thing not necessarily living a wealthy life, so in that respect a career is more important than necessarily arbitrary degrees, although sometimes it will lead you to a better career that isn't always the case, so i wouldn't put all my emphasis on that but on giving them a definite direction toward a chosen career.

Wishmeluck2018 · 28/05/2018 17:15

It's not about being equal. It's about being able to take care of yourself independently. Hence education and career is important. Your husband can still treat you the same even if you are a doctor, the difference is you have a choice to get a cleaner or nanny or walk away from him.

Instead of asking for equality which is something that you have less control of, you need to educate your girls the importance of being financially independent. Successful men likely to attract women who want to steal your life.

Racecardriver · 28/05/2018 17:16

That is really bad advice. You should be advising them to marry a good man, that is hard enough as it is, cutting out entire demographics as potential husbands makes it even harder.

diddl · 28/05/2018 17:17

"And I would unlikely be able to leave with the children "

Even if you could support yourself & them?

If so then it doesn't come down to education/equality.

But of course you should be encouraging your kids to do as well as they can, be able to support themselves & be with people who respect them & treat them well.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 17:17

LifeBeginsAtGin Amen

And I can’t recommend the documentary highly enough

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 28/05/2018 17:22

Women should be indepedendent, and stop fantasising about a man coming along and sweeping them off their feet and giving a passport out of work. Work is a fact of life and of being adult, and so many women faff about in little hobby jobs and then end up with nothing if the marriage goes wrong. No one, man or woman, can afford to give up full-time work for more than a couple of years.
OP, the first step to independence would surely be to try to go back to work full-time? And then to think about night classes or open university so you can retrain into a better paid job.

takeoffyourpantsandjacket · 28/05/2018 17:26

Yeah you are BU. Just because your husband is a dick you don't need to put it on them and not so subtly tell them that he is and how unhappy you are whilst you're at it.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 17:29

harshbuttrue1980 After months or rows I have only been able to manage getting back to work pt tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 17:30

takeoffyourpantsandjacketBiscuit

Please give your support to someone else thanks

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 28/05/2018 17:31

''I couldn't stay married to someone like that or who see's me as inferior to him.''

Love how ppl say stuff like this when they are not in the situation to judge. If you were in a marriage that kept you comfortable then leaving to go into poverty is alot harder thing to do than you think. Believe me living in poverty is not 1 bit easy.

Many marriages are held together for financial reasons.

SodTheGreenfly · 28/05/2018 17:32

I think you are being emotionally abused due to your vulnerability.

DH was better qualified than me and cleverer than me. At one point he earned more than 10 times my fulltime professional salary. But he was never an arse.

You should encourage your dd's to be educated, independent and to marry nice, morally fair men who respect equality and understand in a relationship that equality and contribution isn't all financial. DH had high earnings because he had huge domestic support and he never forgot it.

Half the house is yours. He has to maintain his family. His behaviour is unreasonable. Most solicitors will accwpt payment after the house is sold and set your bill against your settlement.

Also, encourage your dd's to insist on pre-nups.

Dancingtothebeat · 28/05/2018 17:35

It’s a bit pointless encouraging them to do that because life is unpredictable and even if they get married looking equal on paper it might not stay that way. What if they have a disabled child? What if they or their spouse develops a life limiting illness? What if one of their jobs is made obsolete by technology?

It’s probably better to encourage them to think carefully and get to know people before committing. And that should include important things like splitting family finances and childcare before they are an issue rather than waiting until they are in the situation to find out they’ve married a prime sexist twat.

Jux · 28/05/2018 17:36

I'm sorry you're having such an awful time, Metoo. I do tend to agree with you about teaching your dds to remain independent throughout; I have certainly preached a bit to mine about it!

As you're married you do own half the joint assets in law. If you were to contact, say, Women's Aid, they can support you whether you leave now or later or never, and advise you of your legal position. I wonder if, once you have a bit of real life support about your dh's dickishness, you may feel more independent. That doesn't mean you have to leave jut like that, but you may find that you feel more empowered, and then all sorts of things happen.

Good luck; I do hope that your situation improves.

Dancingtothebeat · 28/05/2018 17:37

Also, encourage your dd's to insist on pre-nups

These are generally terrible ideas for woman because they’re usually the poorer partner in a marriage because they have children.

SodTheGreenfly · 28/05/2018 17:40

Not if they are indepe dent when they marry necessarily.

BackforGood · 28/05/2018 17:48

I just encourage both my kids (I have one of each) to be financially independent and always be able to support themselves

This ^, and then to marry a person they love, who loves them too. A person who is kind, and respects them for who they are, and who has a great sense of humour. You never know what will happen to your earning power, or your health, but with a partner that loves you, you are a lot better off whatever life throws at you.

londoneast · 28/05/2018 18:00

I remember there was a thread on here not to long ago asking "AIBU to think we should encourage our daughters to 'marry well".
I know people in my circle that do this.
Heres a little trick for you.
What they do is on facebook they would search for stereotypical named men. John,david,peter etc then in the search bar they would add the names of the most ecpensive private schools and public schools then see who they could add and talk to.
For instance in the search bar they would type in the name charles then type in the words eton college or ton bridge school. Then randomly add them.
Kinda smart if you ask me.

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