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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to advise my girls to marry equally

129 replies

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:03

Watching a show last night about untouchable women who were seeking to change things for them and their families through education and

The head master of the school was explaining about why it’s important to get set up your self as a women before entering into marriage

Oh asked for my thoughts and I said knowing what I know now i totally agree and would advise my girls to marry equally in terms of that many of the issues I have had is because my marriage is unequal

My husband is better educated earns more his family is more together

And this has caused lots of issues and I dare say if I earned more or was better educated we would not be together and or some issues we have had wouldn’t have arose

And I see this with a lot of wealthy famous men they get with somone who has nothing and before you know it the piss taking starts because the Reality is you would likey end end destitute

My husband could come home now spit in my face and I would have to stay because I have no means to leave

how sad is thati wonder how many others are in my boat and I mean even if you have a nice husband how many could leave tomorrow if they wanted

OP posts:
Allergictoironing · 28/05/2018 16:16

Don't be sure that he would be able to keep the children - as others have said, get legal advice on this. There are many, many women here on MN who have been in the same situation as you and have managed to leave and keep their children.

I get the feeling that after 11 years of emotional abuse you are just where he wants you - you have lost most if not all of your self-confidence which he has driven out of you by his abusive behaviour.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/05/2018 16:21

You don’t have to stay. You might need to do some research and juggling and accept a reduced standard of living, but you don’t have to stay.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:27

Xenia Agreed I was also thinking about Donald trumps wife I wonder is she puts up with what she has because she has now signed a pre numpt heavily tilted in DT favour and I do believe she would have to relinquish all rights to her son

How do we get our selves in these situations should have listened when the feminists shouted make sure you have something of your own

Now I work pt I am slowly biking my running away fund but that will take some years

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 28/05/2018 16:29

I’m not sure it’s a class issue or an education issue or a wealth issue

It is an abusive prick issue

You always, ALWAYS, have options

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:29

ohreallyohreallyoh Thanks but I would be homeless I have been homeless before and actually and in terms of misery it’s about equal in terms of situations

And I would unlikely be able to leave with the children so I will bide my time

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 28/05/2018 16:30

Up to you, OP. You can decide whether a materially comfortable lifestyle is worth the true cost - the vile abuse you're being put through and the emotional damage to your girls.

I would say for me personally that cost would be too high, but I'm not you.

Xenia knows the law and much as I disagree with her in general I completely agree with her here - your husband is not above the law and what he tells you isn't what would happen anyway.

colditz · 28/05/2018 16:31

You CAN leave. I know you feel utterly trapped, but I want you to make a phonecall next time you're alone, and talk things through with a true professional who knows EXACTLY what the law is regarding men who spit at their wives and the entitlement of those men to all the money Angry

These people know their stuff. They do get very busy so try to ring them early.

0808 2000 247

They are call womensaid (or the National Domestic Violence helpline).

Please don't pretend you're not being mistreated when you can here because he spat in your face. It's good that you are in the Uk, there's lots of help even if he likes to pretend you're bound to him, you aren't.

Pa1oma · 28/05/2018 16:31

OP, it's got nothing to do with how much money someone has, just whether they're a decent person, surely? Abusive men come in all income brackets and from all walks of life. I think you're letting your experience of your own marriage cloud your outlook on life. You could have married someone from the same educational / social background and he could have turned into a violent psychopath in the fullness of time. That said, I do think being able to hold your own intellectually with a partner is important, otherwise frustrations can build up.

BishopBrennansArse · 28/05/2018 16:31

Why would you have to leave the home without the children? Surely if he's abusive you seek an occupation order and/or non mol?

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 16:31

OP, if you and your husband divorce then you will be entitled to your share of the family assets. It will also be for the court (and possibly your children, depending on how old they are) to decide who gets custody of them. If you work part-time and do most of the childcare, it is more likely to be you than him.

You don't have to spend years saving up a small amount of money each month before you can walk away. You honestly don't.

Please make an appointment with a solicitor and get some advice about your situation.

gambaspilpilmyfav · 28/05/2018 16:31

I am a little confused Metoodear you say you have been together for 11 yrs however on another MN posts you mention an adult son being involved in a disciplinary, you mention your DH being a nurse, not a career that requires a lot of qualifications and certainly isn't well paid unless he has climbed the ladder and not usually a career choice for the 'well educated' as you call it. So I am a little bemused..... Confused

Elendon · 28/05/2018 16:32

I don't think it matters if you have the best income and career in the world, you will still as a woman face inequality when it comes to partnership and children (obviously not all women)

Elendon · 28/05/2018 16:33

Nursing isn't well educated?

What planet are you on gamb?

Astella22 · 28/05/2018 16:34

OP you sound like you are trapped in your marriage but this is only a frame of mind. Years on conditioning could of created this so take a step back and find yourself again. There are tonnes of organisations that can help you leave and become independent, it wont take years either. I'm not saying it would be easy but this would SHOW your girls that you should only be with/married to someone who loves you and not because they have more money.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:35

He’s very high up in his career also from a very powerful family

And yes I have a child from when i was younger before marriage and now 2 after

OP posts:
Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:38

Elendon I know you be on quite a lot of your higher up nurses do basic surgery now
Prescribe medications
Commission service
Do all sorts it’s not all bed pans and making beds any more

Some nurse who work for agency can earn more than doctors

OP posts:
ohreallyohreallyoh · 28/05/2018 16:41

Please confide in a friend. You wouldn’t need to be homeless and you could take your children with you. Look at Women’s Aid, consider the Freedom programme, and look at wikivorce.

Blaablaablaa · 28/05/2018 16:42

The problem you have is not your level of education or your current job. It's that you sound like you're married to a horrible person.

My DH was privately educated and earns more than me but has never, ever mocked me or my background because he's not a dick and he's just proud of everything I've achieved. He contributes equally to childcare and housework too.

@elendon I disagree. Choose your partner carefully and it won't end up that way.

Coyoacan · 28/05/2018 16:47

OP, we all know it will not be easy for you to separate, but it is not impossible if you take the long view.

Your husband is abusive. It is classic that you have no friends, because abusers engineer your isolation. It is classic that you have no self-confidence left, because they devote years to undermining it.

You feel incapable of leaving now, but give yourself the hope that you will eventually be able to. You can seek legal advice, get in touch with Women's Aid, get counselling, work on building up your self-confidence and social network. You are married so would be entitled to at least half the value of the house, for example. He would have to give child maintenance, you would be entitled to benefits. It is impossible.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:51

Coyoacan I am sorry I know your trying to help but please view threads about women currently trying to get CM and the 50p they get told their entitled to

I got £5 a week for my older from from my ex so I wouldn’t be expecting much

I been homeless before in a way may who are just saying leave most likey haven’t it’s awful and I would say on balance as equally as awful as what’s happening now

I have my kids and I will bide my time I am off now as I getting a bit upset

OP posts:
LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/05/2018 16:52

OP you are right. We do need to ensure our children (girls and boys) are educated into well paying jobs, and guided into treating their partners with respect, but also to be in a financial position to be independent.

As has been said on here, there are too many women who can only aspire to NMW jobs, have kids to early/too many kids and end up staying with idiots who treat them appallingly. Why would we want that for our children?

LifeBeginsAtGin · 28/05/2018 16:53

OP what was the name of the program you were watching? Or the time/channel? Thanks

MiggeldyHiggins · 28/05/2018 16:53

I think your real issue here is that you married a dick head.

What does marry equally even mean?

Allergictoironing · 28/05/2018 16:53

How much you will get depends on his earnings - so if he earns as well as you suggest then he would have to pay a decent amount.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 16:53

OP, were you married to your ex?

If you weren't married you only get child maintenance and it can be difficult to make the father pay up. But divorcing spouses are entitled to a share of everything. For them, not just for any children.

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