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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to advise my girls to marry equally

129 replies

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:03

Watching a show last night about untouchable women who were seeking to change things for them and their families through education and

The head master of the school was explaining about why it’s important to get set up your self as a women before entering into marriage

Oh asked for my thoughts and I said knowing what I know now i totally agree and would advise my girls to marry equally in terms of that many of the issues I have had is because my marriage is unequal

My husband is better educated earns more his family is more together

And this has caused lots of issues and I dare say if I earned more or was better educated we would not be together and or some issues we have had wouldn’t have arose

And I see this with a lot of wealthy famous men they get with somone who has nothing and before you know it the piss taking starts because the Reality is you would likey end end destitute

My husband could come home now spit in my face and I would have to stay because I have no means to leave

how sad is thati wonder how many others are in my boat and I mean even if you have a nice husband how many could leave tomorrow if they wanted

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 28/05/2018 15:35

I have never been financially dependent on anyone since I left home at 18. We earn roughly the same, do roughly the same childcare and I probably do more around the house on a daily basis but he cleans up the dog shit, paints and does the garden so it's not awfully unfair. We both work full time but I do take a bit of extra unpaid leave so I can have more time off with the kids.

We are both similarly educated, he has a degree and I qualified as an accountant recently. I supported him while he studied and he supported me while I studied (more with childcare than money as I worked full time when I studied)

I will bring up all my children (5) to be independent and to be in a position to support themselves and not have to rely on other people.

Ariela · 28/05/2018 15:38

I would say encourage your children to be independent, resourceful, and above all kind.

Allergictoironing · 28/05/2018 15:39

It's not a matter of equality, it's more that your husband is an abusive shit. If he had a wife who was as well educated as him, and came from the same background, he would find a different way to denigrate her & put her down - weight, appearance, ways of thinking, subject she got her degree in, clothes she wears, anything he could find. Just as many poorly educated men from a lower "class" background are equally abusive of their wives.

You refer to him as your husband, so I assume you are married. You have significant rights in that case, and as a starter he would have to pay not just child support but some degree of spousal support - someone with more knowledge about the subject I'm sure will be able to advise you more on this. You would also have rights to a share of the house. So you wouldn't be destitute.

The best advice you could give your daughters is to be self sufficient and do the best for themselves that they can.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 28/05/2018 15:39

Probably the best example you could give your daughters would be to find a way to leave their father, show them, by example, that women do not have to put up with shit like this just to have a roof over their head.
I wonder if cultural pressure that makes you stay?
You sound so sad, so defeated.
Reach out, OP, there is support out there to enable you to LTB.

My brother was one such as your husband. Deep down he hates women.
He has been a dreadful man to all of the women and children in his life.
Some people are just nasty.
Please try to find a way to leave this man. Flowers

agnurse · 28/05/2018 15:44

My parents encouraged my sister and me to get an education, simply because even if we married wonderful men, we could always end up in a situation where we would have to head the family. I have a master's degree in nursing and teach nursing. My sister is a SAHM but she has a certificate in early childhood education and could work in a daycare or open a dayhome.

I earn more than my husband does, but for good reason. Hubby is high-functioning autistic and had few opportunities for post-secondary education. I teach at a college and he is a night security guard. If we are able to have more children he would likely be a SAHD and just work casual (I get ~12 weeks paid vacation a year, including bank holidays, so he could easily put in hours here and there). Currently I have a 13-year-old stepdaughter who lives with us half-time, and Hubby only works 3 or 4 days a week. He leaves after I get home from work and there's only about 2 hours in the morning where our daughter is alone, most of which is time when she's sleeping.

The disparity between our earning doesn't really bother us, because we've never made a big issue of it. I told Hubby I don't consider there to be "my" money and "his" money; to me there's just "the family's" money. Our mortgages have life insurance, and if I keeled over he would get 1.5 times my salary, which would be more than enough for him to retrain and start over, especially because he would not have a mortgage payment.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2018 15:45

Dh is from a less affluent background yef has more qualifications than me but we both went to university. His father did a low paid manual job. By your reckoning we shouldn’t be together. For me, the most important thing is mutual respect, love and care. You have more class in your little finger than your ‘d’h has in his whole body. He sounds like a vile specimen.

RafikiIsTheBest · 28/05/2018 15:46

I'm dependant on my DP, I have such a small income I would struggle to rent anywhere alone, and wouldn't be able to live the same lifestyle even though we only go on holiday every few years and have a small house in a fairly cheap area.
Luckily my DP is wonderful, really supportive and amazing in so many ways. But yeah if he came home and told me he had cheated or did something I couldn't afford to just leave. I too wouldn't have anywhere to go, it would take time and I'd need government help which I'm not sure how easy it is to get.

My mum is in the same place, but she's finally had enough and pushing for a divorce. Be interesting to see what help she can manage to get and where she ends up.

diddl · 28/05/2018 15:46

"It's not a matter of equality, it's more that your husband is an abusive shit."

Sadly, that's what I was thinking.

Sosogoodagain · 28/05/2018 15:49

i married 'equally' - its no insurance against abuse unfortunately.

Agree wholeheartedly with allergic

I am so sorry you are in this situation. But you will find a way.

Take care OP

DuchyDuke · 28/05/2018 15:51

Girls who live with abusive fathers are more likely to enter into abusive relationships. You will be setting your dd up for failure by staying with her dickhead dad.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 15:53

YABU.

All people are equal.

You should advise your daughters to marry someone who is kind to them and who genuinely respects them as an equal.

TERFousBreakdown · 28/05/2018 15:55

I was the opposite: I married someone less educated than myself, from a lower socioeconomic background than myself and who earned less than me.

He was still an emotionally abusive arse much of the time - and he actually blamed me for 'emasculating' him with the above.

A horrible person, at the end of the day, will be a horrible person, I guess.

MeganBacon · 28/05/2018 15:56

If I had daughters, I would advise them to always expect to look after themselves financially, irrespective of marriage and the number of children that come along. It's a basic insurance policy.
I have sons and I tell them to expect to always do half of the wife work and childcare so that their wives can be financially independent.
Either sex, I would tell them to get a prenup.
I've seen too many bitter divorces and unhappy marriages to ever advise anything else.

eileandonan · 28/05/2018 15:57

My word I would never think to tell my DD to marry an 'equal'. (Not even sure what that means). If I followed that advice I wouldn't have left the council estate I grew up in and wouldn't have travelled and would have likely married my first boyfriend as based on your view he was my equal so why strive for anything else. Not sure what your trying to teach your DC. The message to your DC is they marry someone who loves them for who they are and doesn't ridicule them or put them down. My OH earns more than me and contributes more in terms of wealth to our family. However I am in a good job and have done very well for myself and did so before I met him and also had my own place in London too. So no I don't feel that I am not an equal just because he earns more or had a better education...I am a strong woman and that is what my DD will learn from me and my DS are taught how to treat women with respect.

FleurDelacoeur · 28/05/2018 16:00

This isn't an inequality thing.

This is a marrying an arsehole thing.

There are thousands of marriages which have one partner earning an awful lot more or from a different social background and they are perfectly happy.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:02

Thanks for all those who are telling me how awful I am in the example I am setting seeing as your not going to pay for my divorce
House me or feed me you can actually have one of these Biscuit easy to say leave when you have the family support finical means to just leave

And like I said if I left it’s higly likey I would have to leave without my children

OP posts:
another20 · 28/05/2018 16:06

Agree with PP - yes encourage your DD's to be independent - but also how to have boundaries and to walk from abuse - best to start modelling that yourself for them.

Agree that inequality is irrelevant - kindness, respect and cooperation are key.

In fact you are in a better situation to walk from a wealthy man than a poorer man as they are more assets to divide.

Original poster
Metoodear · 28/05/2018 16:07

And thanks for pointing out my husband is a dick I have been living it for 11 years haveing everything I say Googled because of course somone like me could not possibly be correct

Being told should stop talking as I am embarrassing myself constantly and in front of people
And him Apologising to people for my ignorance

i just wanted to know how many could leave tomorrow really or are their many like me dependent of their husbands

OP posts:
CremeBrulee · 28/05/2018 16:07

Have you sought legal advice OP? Find out out what the real situation is - probably he is one that should be doing the leaving not you and the DC.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 16:08

OP if you actually want to leave your marriage then book an appointment with a solicitor to discuss your options. The first appointment is usually free. You might not be as trapped as you think.

AdoraBell · 28/05/2018 16:09

OP get some legal advice.

Theclockstruck2 · 28/05/2018 16:10

Thing is OP people just fall in love. I don’t think any of us can assume we could influence who our children would fall in love with. I hope you can engineer a happier situation for yourself though. Children do often emulate what they have seen.

another20 · 28/05/2018 16:11

Staying in a shit marriage does at least two bad things to children. Firstly that this is their aspiration / blueprint of how they should be treated. Secondly they are deprived of the best a parent can give as the parent is preoccupied and/or depressed with the misery of the marriage so is depleted for the children. Give you DD a happy, focused Mum.

They are better to be from a "broken home" than in a "broken home".

Marriage isn't modern day slavery - you have options - get some legal advice.

eileandonan · 28/05/2018 16:11

Metoodear as the PP have said go and get legal advice. It sounds like your in a truly awful marriage with a man who doesn't respect you and puts you down. You are right that it is not as easy to simply pack a bag and leave. Takes a long time to line up your options and plan your escape.

Xenia · 28/05/2018 16:15

I certainly support women's education and not "marrying up" all the time as that leads to unfairness and lack of balance in a marriage. However couples make it work both ways round - women earning a lot more or the man if they are decent people. I eanred 10x my ex that certainly gives you a lot security and control ove ryour life so yes I highly recommend it. Also never give up full time work - that is one reason so many women on MN end up in dreadful positions. It seems so easy at the time - that nice little part time job but it's a poisoned chalice that time and again comes back to haunt you.

However in your case you need to speak to a solicitor because if you are in England and are married divorce law does not work like you seem to think it does.

you could stay in the house, petition to divorce and probably get house children and maintenance hand he be forced to leave in reality in many marriage. You just need to see a lawyer.