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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to advise my girls to marry equally

129 replies

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 15:03

Watching a show last night about untouchable women who were seeking to change things for them and their families through education and

The head master of the school was explaining about why it’s important to get set up your self as a women before entering into marriage

Oh asked for my thoughts and I said knowing what I know now i totally agree and would advise my girls to marry equally in terms of that many of the issues I have had is because my marriage is unequal

My husband is better educated earns more his family is more together

And this has caused lots of issues and I dare say if I earned more or was better educated we would not be together and or some issues we have had wouldn’t have arose

And I see this with a lot of wealthy famous men they get with somone who has nothing and before you know it the piss taking starts because the Reality is you would likey end end destitute

My husband could come home now spit in my face and I would have to stay because I have no means to leave

how sad is thati wonder how many others are in my boat and I mean even if you have a nice husband how many could leave tomorrow if they wanted

OP posts:

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/05/2018 18:04

This is really about your unhappiness with your dh,and feeling stuck
I hope you find a resolution and fortitude to do what you need to

CremeBrulee · 28/05/2018 18:04

Christ that's so depressing Londoneast I really hope that's a piss poor joke.

Neweternal · 28/05/2018 18:04

Remember this half value in the house business. What you go into marriage with is yours! E.g if DH bought house prior to being married it was not bought as a matrimonial home, you gave tenancy right and perhaps even what it has gone up in value since marriage. It's not a 50/50 split. Women should stop allowing themselves to be put in situations of such vulnerability. Easier than done of course, we all make errors of judgement.

londoneast · 28/05/2018 19:09

Its not a joke.
I see it as they know what they want in life and are aiming high.
Obviously some people might see it as snobby and dismissive.

londoneast · 28/05/2018 19:10

That was to CremeBrulee

CremeBrulee · 28/05/2018 19:22

Its not snobby its more like prostitution. They may as well put a 'for sale' sign out.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 19:28

To be honest, these public schoolboys must be pretty stupid if they respond to a message from a random girl they don’t know on Facebook.

Dancingtothebeat · 28/05/2018 19:58

For instance in the search bar they would type in the name charles then type in the words eton college or ton bridge school. Then randomly add them.

In my personal experience of knowing quite a few public schoolboys purely because of where I grew up, I suspect if they did that they’d probably only end up talking to Africans trying to con people into empty their bank accounts anyway.

People who went to public school generally don’t advertise it on social media. Bad form.

Cupcake99 · 28/05/2018 20:09

I think your husband is just a dick! My husband is better educated than myself, but I would say that the way he was brought up was lower working class,whereas I was brought up upper middles class. I am now a sahm, he works full time. We share housework,although I do the lions share during the week as he is at work and I am at home. After saying all that, if I needed to leave I would. Grab the kid and get out of there-there are shelters, I can get a job at McDonald's if needs be, I would do anything and everything I could to get us out of what sounds like a horrific situation. And don't forget that whatever you are saying to your girls-he first relationship they see is yours with their father!

oblada · 28/05/2018 20:21

You have a OH problem, not an -unequal marriage' problem, whatever that really means in practice.... You can marry 'equal' and marry an abusive idiot. Or you can marry unequal and marry and respectful man. Unfortunately you've not married someone who seems to respect you and that's the issue, nothing else.

londoneast · 28/05/2018 21:02

People who went to public school generally don’t advertise it on social media

Its not advertising.
Thetes a bit on facebook where you put what school you went to.
On your profile it will say the words went to then your schools name.
I have seen it for myself btw.

Jux · 28/05/2018 21:08

LoveinTokyo, I have a relative (by marriage) who went to Eton, and left with NO qualifications whatsoever, thick as mince. But, coming from the family he did, and with the sort of friends (Old Etonians) he had, together with his impaccable manners, he has done phenomenally well. If he'd gone to, say, my dd's state secondary, or any other come to that, he'd be filling shelves, or maybe, at a pinch, manning reception in a sligtly posh hotel.

He is truly lovely, and I don't begridge him his wealth and life, and I'm very very glad that my much loved relative - the one who married him - has such a kind and generous husband.

SoftSheen · 28/05/2018 21:08

Encourage your daughters to form a relationship with someone who is kind and polite and respects them. If he/she is educated and solvent then so much the better.

LurkNoFurther · 28/05/2018 21:12

YANBU!!! The best advice my Mum ever gave me was to be independent and not to rely on a man. It means that I stay married because I WANT too, not because I HAVE too. I think this really makes for an equal relationship. When I was doing most of the housework/ childcare after maternity leave I could demand that we split it more equally.

It sucks that raising children is not seen as being equal to bringing in a salary in our society

SandyY2K · 28/05/2018 21:23

I agree with you OP. I think differences in social status, earning potential and education can create problems in a relationship.

It becomes an imbalance and one that can be taken advantage of....though I wonder why he married you if he mocks your accent.

I also think you have more in common with a partner who has a similar upbringing to you.

I had one Ex BF and I always thought he wouldn't fit into my family in relation to his education and career. He had a basic admin job and my siblings were in Uni or working towards it. I felt that he would feel inferior.

Life changes though... I connected with him on FB some 20 years later and he's in what seems like a good job across the pond.

I made the right decision at the time though.

My DH even though he earns more than me can't say anything to me and I have to accept it.

I can survive without him financially. I wouldn't have to tolerate an affair or abuse because of finances. On the contrary... I'd take him to the cleaners if he tried it.

LoveInTokyo · 28/05/2018 21:33

Jux I wasn’t dissing public schoolboys. But anybody who responds to a random Facebook message like that out of the blue and doesn’t suspect something really odd is going on would have to be a bit stupid, no?

hidengosqueak · 28/05/2018 21:37

I earn more than my husband, we share cleaning etc. However I do most of the childcare and probably all the shopping, washing and ironing. I do it because I enjoy spending that time with the dcs and I feel happy when I have things sorted as I like. My DH did step up when I was ill for 2 months without even a complaint though and I think that's what makes it work.

ChampagneSocialist1 · 28/05/2018 21:44

MiggeldyHiggins · 28/05/2018 21:48

Pretty depressing way to live. Surely you should have skills and be able to drive just to be a proper adult, rather in anticipation of running away. Teach them not to get into situations where they would need to run away would be much more useful!

SandyY2K · 28/05/2018 21:53

But anybody who responds to a random Facebook message like that out of the blue and doesn’t suspect something really odd is going on would have to be a bit stupid, no?

The girls/women who do this, do it with style. They don't just say I want a relationship with you because you went to Public school.

It's not hard for an attractive girl to get the attention of a man.

We're in the times where people can meet and marry from a relationship that started on FB.

With 6 degrees of separation...they can easily find a way to strike up a convo...but if they're good looking they don't need a way in.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 28/05/2018 22:44

Every woman should have running away kit ie. skills to get a decent paid job, some savings and able to drive so you can pack up and get away quick and go wherever you damn well need to. This is what you should tell your daughters
Fantastically well put,and I wholeheartedly agree
Yes have an exit plan should you need it
Don’t even become dependent on a man

BackforGood · 28/05/2018 22:54

I agree Miggledy
I'm sure one or two posters have posted from awful personal experience, but, am very about this whole idea of a secret 'getting away' fund, and not an equal partnership in the first place.

Armchairanarchist · 28/05/2018 23:00

I don't work because I'm seriously ill and my husband comes from a much wealthier family than I do. I am absolutely his equal and both of us would hate being with someone we considered otherwise. We've been married 23 years.

titchy · 28/05/2018 23:16

OP your accent, background, job, level of education is utterly irrelevant. You have married an abuser. If you were the doctor daughter of the seventh Earl of Granby he'd be the same. Don't kid yourself.

Whilst I broadly agree with the message you are trying to pass on to your daughters, by far the more important message is the belief that they don't have to accept any kind of shit from anyone. Unfortunately by staying with him you are teaching them the opposite.

Original poster

Metoodear · 28/05/2018 23:28

SoftSheen I think it often can start off with good intentions of a man being kind yadda yadda but the power one wields over another when they rely on you for you basic needs becomes to tempting

And studies have been done
On this sort of thing

People mostly men just get a bit drunk with power

OP posts:

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