AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

[DontBreakMyCamera]

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

''It would feel very intrusive to me if you were snapping away when I was relaxing. I think you should specifically ask permission and bear in mind not everyone will be comfortable with it.''

FFS it was a social event-a birthday party, normally people always are taking photos here. I would understand your point if it was in his livingroom on just a normal day.

they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point
They sound a charming couple. I hate having my photo taken & if someone kept doing it when I'd made it clear I wasn't happy then I'd probably sound pretty pissed off. But you don't break someone's camera unless they really, really, paparazzi-style don't get the point. (And you probably don't bring it up at a social gathering later & laugh about it because you'd still feel guilty and mortified)
Me, I'd be avoiding him in future (and possibly her too)

Should have asked in the first place to avoid this type of thing happening
So imagine you are at home, throwing a party for your birthday with friends that you have invited, you or a guest wants to take pictures, you know, as people usually do in this situation, you would seriously expect them to ask the guests one by one if they are ok to have their picture taken?!!
We are talking private use, not picture that are going to be used for advertising or anything.
Normal scenario is for someone who doesn't want to be in pictures to then say oh no I don't want my picture taken - in a normal nice tone - and for the person taking the pics to accept that.

I hate people who take photographs all the time! On a recent holiday someone in the group announced that he had appointed himself as official photographer and was setting up an online space so the photos could be viewed,he then asked if anyone objected to his plans, clearly expecting everyone to agree. I said no I didn't want to be part of it and he was really miffed , and said so, several times....... Other people said to me afterwards that they also objected but said nothing because they knew how he would get stroppy.

I don't think you need to say anything to them. They will obviously say it was a joke and that they have the right to refuse photos.
You can just let the friendship drift.
fwiw he shouldn't have been threatening.
I do think you should ask rather than assume people want their photo taken. It could be that although they have used the photos you have taken in the past, they would all prefer if you didn't photograph them all the time.

''Astonished that PPs think what he did was acceptable. If he didn't want his photo taken that's fine but there is no excuse for him to behave the way he did - his threatening and aggressive manner were totally unacceptable. ''

Hello-This is AIBU forum, people here would defend Hitler, Ted Bundy or Jimmy Saville....eitherway you know the OP will get a roasting and reason and logic often goes out the window.

I think he was aggressive and rude. I'd be keeping away from him in future.
That said, I absolutely hate having my photo taken and I feel very uneasy at parties where someone is wandering around snapping photos - I just can't relax and worry about where the photos will end up.
I usually ask the photographer not to take photos of me as I really don't like it but I find that most people do not take any notice of me saying that and ignore my polite request.
So please think about that as well in the future as there may be other people who are feeling very uncomfortable.
I think it is a bit over the top to say that you were "heartbroken" because you couldn't take any more photos.

I think you sound a little over invested if I'm honest. Birthday "party", "mummy friends". Nothing is more irritating than having your picture taken if you don't want to. I hate it. I love taking pictures too but I respect people's feelings, which as the host should have been important to you.

@viques
Yeah, especially how the self appointed photographers are then never in the reams of photos they take, except for a handful of perfectly posed ones when someone else offers to take one of them!

"Astonished that PPs think what he did was acceptable."

Has anyone said that? I don't think so.

He sounds like a horror, I think there's prob more about their behaviour than just yesterday you don't like so literally stop seeing them, I would.

Yeah, especially how the self appointed photographers are then never in the reams of photos they take,

I was just this minute thinking to myself, “maybe if I got into photography, I could be the photographer and never have my photo taken ever again”!

I know it should be a simple “oh no don’t take my photo please, I don’t like it”, but people find it weird and then try to coax you into it. That’s why I do the noble thing and casually walk out of shot when a camera comes out!

No offence op but you'd be my biggest bloody nightmare at a party. Brandishing a bloody camera around. Some people are almost phobic of having their picture taken and you do need to take that into consideration. I remember when my friend had her baby and was having a snuggle and the baby's auntie pointed the dreaded camera at me and I told her to get it away from me. She said don't you want a picture with the baby (in an almost taken aback manner). Erm no I've just about got photos with my own baby. It still offend me to this day to be perfectly honest
That said though. He could have said it a bit nicer and I don't blame you for being upset. Just try to be mindful in future though that not everyone loves the camera

''There's nothing worse than trying to relax and someone is constantly taking photos. It's quite antisocial too, people want to talk to you, not your camera.''

An no it is antisocial to go to a social event like a party and flip when somebody takes your photo. And no relaxing is at home-social events you can expect pics will be taken, if not you politely ask. Pics get taken all the time in bars and clubs and we get caught in strangers pics-really what harm is it doing? If you do not want it taken then politely ask.

I think his reaction was a bit OTT, but I do get where hes coming from. some people just dont accept a firm no when they have their camera out, which is why he probably jumped to an aggressive stance quite so quickly.
I do want to ask though, is it possible that maybe your pal has an issue with the photos being taken? maybe its something more than one person feels uncomfortable with, and hes felt the need to overreact because maybe his wife doesnt like it, has underreacted but gone home and moaned.

TBH, i can see why you feel the way you do, but if I were the person that made it clear that they didnt want pictures of them being taken, but you kept appearing with your camera, I would 100% be avoiding gatherings that you were also at, because your actions would make me extremely uncomfortable.

A few years ago, i went to Hs grans birthday party, it was her 90th, I made an effort to go, despite not liking big social get togethers, I had at that point spent 2 years suffering from agorophobia, i didnt leave the house and put on over 6 stone, One of Hs cousins had a camera, she would not leave me alone. I moved, she followed me, I moved, she followed me, she followed me snapping pictures the whole time. I asked her to stop no less than 6 times. I then went and sat in the toilet until I thought it was safe to leave.

I refuse to go to any sort of gathering that she is attending now, because she makes me feel so uncomfortable.

If anyone makes you feel unsafe like this you shouldn’t even question not spending further time with them.

The man reaction to having photo taken without permission seems OTT .He can rightly state an objection and ask you to refrain. But You felt he was menacing in how he spoke & acted and the veiled reference to damaging another photographer camera

As an aside I’d be uncomfortable with someone making memories running about with their camera in photographer mode. I’d ask you don’t include me or my kids in the snap fest.

''Nothing is more irritating than having your picture taken if you don't want to. I hate it.''

ffs will you get a grip- i can list alot lot more irritating and infuriating things than somebody taking your pic at a party...

''I think you sound a little over invested if I'm honest.''

And you don't??

People take photos at social gatherings all the time. It's not a new thing. If people really don't want their photo taken you can simply say 'I don't like having my photo taken'. No need for threats.

He sounds like a dick and I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them again.

I'd have told him go take his family and fuck off.

How dare he speak to you like that in your own garden? OK, some people don't much like having their photo taken, but he was unpleasantly aggressive and there was absolutely no need for it.

I'll never understand why anyone would want such low-rent rejects in their lives at all, much less minimise their bottom-feeder cage fighting mentality. They find assault funny. The Jeremy Kyle show is that way. Off you fuck!

It's astonishing how many find this behaviour acceptable.

'Your husband threatened me in my own home. You laughed along with him. You found it funny to bully me on my own property. I don't have time for such aggressive, low-life behaviour. Can't see you again and don't want to be in contact any more. '

Yanbu. I sometimes ask people not to photograph me / crop me out of photos if I feel I look a mess but I ask politely and there has never been a problem. I would say taking photos at a birthday party is to be expected anyway. He was ridiculously OTT and sounds like a nasty piece of shit. I'm sorry he ruined your day. I would not socialise with him again.

I’d simply disengage, decline any invites,don’t invite back to yours
And I’d not over elaborate on an explanation either

''Wow, so many people greenlighting abusive aggressive language. Wonder what the wife puts up with at home.''

she sounds as bad as him tbh-believe it or not women can be every bit as aggressive and bullying as men[I have seen it]. It's just that men can display it much better as they are bigger and more dominant looking.