AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

[DontBreakMyCamera]

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

VogueVVague
So there's a minimum number that has to be reached before people can go around taking photos at gatherings? Who knew. I learn something new everyday.

From the OP: DontBreakMyCamera - So it was my birthday party yesterday
A birthday party can be any number of people.

VogueVVague

A short woman can be fat

Certainly my 5'10 friend can and has held her own better when attacked by men than I have, I am much smaller than her.

SIZE does make a difference when physical assaults happen, also relative strength. As a general rule of thumb, women are not as strong as men, and men are bigger than women.

It's not OK for big men to threaten anyone, but with a 5'2 woman, he could overpower her with zero throuble whatsoever (unless she's a ninja or something).

Is it really news that it's easier to hurt small people more than big people, women more than men?

This sort of thing worries me. I've had big men front up to me and try to start a fight, I'm 5.3. They could kill me without thinking about it. My husband who is over 6' and used to play rugby, it's different. I find this type of "equality" to say it's the same to threaten a little woman as a massive bloke when the outcomes in a fight are very different, really concerning. You see it all the time from MRAs - women have got equality now HA this means I can punch them. It's weird.

I dont think you were overreacting at all. It was your birthday at your house... if someone didnt want their picture taken they could have just said that in a calm way. I dont get these other posters who seem to think that their picture wont be taken at someone elses party on their own property??? A birthday is an event where many people will take photos... if you dont want photos you just say that... no reason to get angry at anyone as its a completely normal thing to do to take photos at a birthday event, especially if its your own at your own house ffs!!!
The man was very out of line. He was well within his right to ask for his picture to not be taken... but to be so aggressive about it is ridiculous and idve asked him to leave. What a bellend!

I don't see it as threatening, Which bit?

"don't you dare take a photo of me again!" Not a normal way of asking not to have your picture taken!

"and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" How is that not threatening?

they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look) and how is that underlining of their displeasure yet again not threatening.

And how is any of it appropriate as a guest at someone elses birthday, in their home?

They are unpleasant, at best!

so many people greenlighting abusive aggressive language

Agree. Some of the comments on this thread are incredible. Some people set the bar really, really low when it comes to acceptable behaviour.

Maybe OP had already taken like 15 snaps so by this stage when she moved in up close to him he was just like....FFS enough already

Or maybe she hadn't?? Why are you so keen to excuse him, to the extent of making up possible scenarios to explain his horrendous behaviour?

God. I hate having my photograph taken, and I do think, OP, you need to perhaps be aware that not everyone will share your passion for your camera, no matter how happy they seem to be, but this was a situation that could be handled perfectly politely with no aggression whatsoever.

There are posters tripping over themselves to excuse threatening and verbally aggressive behaviour. It's astonishing.

Regardless of his feelings about having his photo taken, his behaviour was appalling and no, I would not want to mix with him (and arguably her) ever again.
He must have known you were taking pictures, and if he really had an issue with it, could have asked you politely and with a light humorous tone not to snap him. Job done.
This

Just because you don't like having your photo taken, is no excuse to be threatening. You just ask nicely. Even if OP then didn't stop, you then just leave. You don't issue veiled threats while you sit and gorge on the OPs food and drink. Incredibly rude. You don't need 'friends' like this in your life.

It sounds as though you have issues with this friend and her h anyway, mabey it is time you let the friendship slide. As for taking photos, not everyone likes photos of themselves, I hate them, as I am so not photogenic and look like a blimp. If he diden't want you to take pictures, he could have been more polite about it.

As another who hates their photo being taken, I think you should have said at the beginning, “i’d like to take some photos, would anyone rather not be included?” As, once you started clicking away I would have found it harder to speak up as I would have felt more awkward at that point. I would absolutely hate someone taking random photos of me and wouldn’t have been able to relax for the whole party.

However, his response was over the top and aggressive. His whole “if you get my drift” line was very threatening. So I feel you were somewhat unreasonable to just start snapping away assuming everyone was ok with it. But he was extremely unreasonable in his response.

Yes, Sardine, I agree. That simple. 👍

they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look)

If he really did do that, and wasn't just trying to big himself up, then he's seriously unhinged, and I hope the person whose camera he destroyed had him charged.

I've been looking through old photos lately, (downsizing and getting rid of some terrible ones of me [grin ]) and they were nearly all taken at social occasions with friends, family, kids. Nobody ever took much notice of the camera(s), especially after a few drinks, so they are natural and happy reminders of times past.
The reaction of this man is most odd, unpleasant and totally unneccesary. I too would have been upset, and probably angry too.
He knows you're a photographer, FGS, how difficult would it have been just to ask politely not to take any of him? I certainly would not invite him, and possibly his wife too, to my home again.

He sounds like an aggressive arse tbh. If friends are taking pictures of me, I just say no thanks I don't like my photo taken.

Hm, not sure what I'd have done in that situation. Probably said, "Oh, I didn't know you hated photos. I like photos but won't take any of you." Then I'd quietly drop them both because he sounds horrid. You also don't deserve his 'jokey' aggression.

When someone has a camera out I always go to them and ask quietly, please avoid getting me in shot or cut me off, because I have self esteem issues. That is how you say, "no photos".

Maybe in future you could say to everyone, who doesn't know your hobby, I love photography and is it ok for me to snap you ? Sometimes people have very important reasons not to be photographed because they may end up online and be seen by people who have been abusive toward them or they are hiding from an ex or grandparents. You know the type of thing.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

My mother in law has a semi pro camera, she seems to feel that it needs to be bought out at any given opportunity. She likes to think of her self as a professional photographer when actually she's just about amateur. I detest having my photo taken and I also hate it when people take pictures of my children. I'm very private. But my mil doesn't ever get the hint about not taking pictures all the time as it's not always necessary. The guy at your party was out of line speaking to you the way he did and you perhaps need to mention it to your friend. It may however be possible that you missed his subtle way of telling you he didn't want to be in your photos, even something as simple as moving out of the way when the lens was pointing in his direction.

Don't have those two round again, especially not him.

@SardineReturns
And a tall woman can be very skinny and just as easy to overpower. I think height is totally irrelevant.

And anyway, like this guy was going to suddenly rugby tackle her to the ground or something at a frickin garden party!

Get real!

OP you had your feelings hurt and he wasnt very diplomatic.

Next time ask people if you can take their pic and maybe try and focus on actully experiencing the moment rather than capturing it.

He was a dick and needlessly aggressive but I do have a tiny shred of sympathy for him. I fucking HATE having my photo taken and might have said "please don't do that" a little sharply myself.

'' He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point''

Yea they sound like classless chavs, the fact they laughed too especially when it was your house. I'd keep mu distance-you did nothing to be ashamed of, it was a party-people always take pics at them. And if he had a problem then he could politely ask.Unacceptable behaviour.

He was threatening and yanbu.

I hate having my picture taken too, especially if I’m not 100% comfortable in my surroundings. I can’t explain why, I just hate it. I usually walk off. I don’t pick up the nearest object to throw at the photographer. That’s ridiculous. If he hates it so much, he should hide, (like I do ), or leave not threaten.

I have to confess to (in my youth) sticking my middle finger up if anyone (we’re talking good friends who wouldn’t mind and who knew me well enough to know I hated it), tried to take my picture. Nobody wants a picture of that so it worked fairly well. Only necessary when people deliberately took my picture to wind me up. I wouldn’t have done it at the school photographer or anything.

"Whoops, well I'm afraid I'll be photographing MY party so you'll have to leave then. Thanks, bye."

He sounds like a knuckledragging bully.

There are polite ways of telling somebody you don't want your photo taken.

"Ah, no thank you. Actually I hate my photo taken, could you delete it please?"

Job done.

He was very rude and he did sound threatening.
Do you really have to constantly take photographs of people without asking though? I would hate that and ask you to stop too (or I'd leave).

Rude and aggressive. I like to think I'd have asked them to leave but i would probably have been too taken aback to think straight at the moment.
I like taking photos at group events too and occasionally someone will politely say they dislike having their photo taken and i make sure i don't - simples.
He sounds horrible and how selfish to carry on accepting your hospitality after deliberately intimidating and mocking you.
He would never be welcome in my home again. I would probably cease my friendship with the wife too (unless she explained her collusion - she may also be intimidated by him).

Some strange attitudes being put forward. You don't need permission to take someone's photograph in a public place or your own property. If you don't like being photographed, ask nicely. This man was agrressive and regardless of the whys or wherefores I'd have put him out the door, never to return. If, by some chance, he was just being funny, his anti-social sense of humour is not my problem.

I hate having my photo taken (simply because I am ugly, and don't want to be reminded of that fact), but I would never speak to someone like that. I would (politely) ask you to stop though.