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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 27/05/2018 12:07

I wouldn't play this down and am sorry your dh didn't hear at the time so he could throw them out. From what I've read, I think the man was extremely threatening.

I completely get what you mean about questioning your own experience and self-worth. Personally, I wouldn't want to see that couple again.

Just to add that I also don't like my photo being taken but I find it's easy just to say that. There's no excuse for threatening violence.

Billben · 27/05/2018 12:07

Whilst I hate having my photo taken, anybody speaking to me in that manner in my own house would have been asked to leave. I don’t take kindly to being intimidated. Also agree with your husband about not seeing them again.

KTheGrey · 27/05/2018 12:08

I think you are quite right not to bother with them in the future. Someone who threatens you at your birthday is at best bad mannered; as it is he sounds like an intolerant bully and she a cheerleader. You were a gracious hostess and they abused your hospitality by being bad mannered guests. Being round them is a waste of your life when you could be making new nicer friends.

Do you have to say anything? Just be busy finding better friends and excuse yourself from any further social events with them until it withers on the vine.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 12:08

No you are not over reacting. I would not see the man again, but may or may not see the woman.

EthelHornsby · 27/05/2018 12:09

Threatening you is definitely out of order, but I hate having my photo taken and it would ruin my enjoyment of the party if I thought I was being photographed all the time - I think that is a bit rude of you

SardineReturns · 27/05/2018 12:10

It's thr norm in our social circle to take snaps at BBQs and things.

I would think the way to handle it would be to approach OP quietly and say look I don't want my photo taken please can you delete the ones with me and keep me out of any more.

His behaviour was really unnecessary and I wouldn't see them again either.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 12:10

I might see the woman again, as I would be worried that she was being controlled by him. But only you know if that is likely, or if in fact she really does agree with him.

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 12:11

Ethel I hate having my photo taken too. I would just approach the woman and say - could you please not take my photo. No need for threatening behaviour.

greendale17 · 27/05/2018 12:11

YANBU

was a very aggressive response at someone else’s birthday party and he sounds a deeply unpleasant person. I would certainly not invite him again and make it clear why that is.

^This

foodiefil · 27/05/2018 12:12

Wow, so many people greenlighting abusive aggressive language. Wonder what the wife puts up with at home.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 27/05/2018 12:13

Is he Prince Harry or something?

StaplesCorner · 27/05/2018 12:13

The only one over-reacting was this entitled twat - he was in your HOME and he spoke to you like that?! Never see these people again.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 12:14

I think you overreacted.

I hate havibg my pic taken but over and above that i just find it annoying when people just have to snap away instead of relaxing and letting other people relax and just enjoying the moment.

He wasnt that aggressive tbh. I think youre being a bit self pitying.

HasAnyoneGotAProblemWithThat · 27/05/2018 12:14

He’s a prick BUT you took his photo without permission. I loathe having my photo taken. So I continually ask people not to. A lot don’t heed it. I get the ‘I’m making memories’. I find it rude & patronising but I would never be aggressive with it.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 27/05/2018 12:15

I would feel very uncomfortable and self-conscious if I was trying to relax at a party (especially such a small gathering where it would be really obvious) and someone was constantly taking photos. That said, his reaction does seem disproportionate. Does he normally fly off the handle about trivial things? Do you generally get on well with him? Maybe talk to your friend about it and clear the air rather than resolving to just cut her out of your life altogether.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 12:15

Maybe OP had already taken like 15 snaps so by this stage when she moved in up close to him he was just like....FFS enough already

ScreamingValenta · 27/05/2018 12:15

YANBU - He behaved in a thoroughly unpleasant way. If he didn't want his photo taken, why not say so politely at the outset. I would have no more to do with this bully, who clearly sees himself as some sort of 'hard man'. You do not need idiots like this in your life.

DarlingNikita · 27/05/2018 12:16

It sounds like the 'threat' was jokey

Yeah, hilarious Hmm

I hate photos of me and having cameras in my face. But I'd never use aggressive language when asking someone not to take my photo. I find 'and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift' in the 'hushed tone' particularly threatening.

He sounds horrible. I wouldn't try too hard to keep in touch with him or his wife any more if it were me.

GalwayWayfarer · 27/05/2018 12:16

I get that lots of you are against having your photos taken and that's completely fine - but you must see that no amount of discomfort on the husband's part could justify his behaviour? All he needed to do was politely say 'please don't take my picture, it makes me uncomfortable'! There is never any excuse to be threatening and aggressive in this way, and your opinions on whether it's rude to take photos are completely irrelevant to that.

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 12:18

YANBU

I'm shocked and disgusted at some of the responses in this thread.

There is absolutely zero excuse for the way this pathetic excuse for a 'man' spoke to the OP. If he didn't want his photo taken, there are polite and calm ways of asking that.

People wandering taking photos at parties is a perfectly normal thing to do. If people don't want to be in photos, then fair enough, but act like an adult and address it in a calm and polite manner.

I'd never have anything to do with either the man or the woman ever again.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 12:18

Also not sure what your height has to do with anything

Lifeisabeach09 · 27/05/2018 12:19

He was unnecessarily aggressive.
Definitely put distance between you and them.
Perhaps ask if anyone would mind having their picture taken next time. Lots don't like it.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 27/05/2018 12:19

He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

“It’s time for you to leave now”

OrangeAztec · 27/05/2018 12:19

I can't relax with a camera pointing at me clicking away, a friend of ours does this and usually sends me loads of unflattering pictures of me after events and I think it's very invasive. I think you're underestimating how rude it is to do that.

However he was wrong to react the way he did, totally over the top and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to socialise with him again.

Lacucuracha · 27/05/2018 12:20

If you're at someone's birthday party in their home and you don't want your photo taken, you ask them politely not to take any photos of you.

You don't tell them 'don't you dare a picture of me' aggressively, or imply that you can get nastier, and then talk about how you smashed the camera of the last person who took a photo of you.

This is pretty basic guest and human etiquette.