AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

[DontBreakMyCamera]

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

"It's astonishing how many find this behaviour acceptable."

Again, I haven't seen a single post saying that.

It's never acceptable to become aggressive or threatening in reaction to a situation you don't like! FFS. We work so hard trying to teach this to DS, who has Asperger's, but it seems plenty here think it's fine. I hate having my photo taken. 'Please don't take my photo,' and if they keep doing it, I leave, not threaten to break their property or behave aggressively.

I'm with your husband on this. Ditch them. Decline future invitations from them. There's no need to have a big fall out, just withdraw from them.

'Again, I haven't seen a single post saying that.'

Plenty have! Telling the OP she's over-reacted, she's over-invested, she shouldn't have behaved the way she did in her own home, to be more mindful in the future, that he just 'got annoyed and literally nothing else', questioning if it's worth losing this so-called friend, that she is equally to blame as this guy, that she just misjudged his tone. Minimising and victim-blaming is a form of condoning such behaviour.

It was rude of you to take photographs and I would have felt the same way as the other man. I do not like people outside of the immediate family to take photos of my children and I ask them not to publish them on social media. It would have been very annoying to go to a party where the host was spending a lot of time taking photographs.

HOWEVER, there is no excuse for him to have threatened you or for him to have spoken to you aggressively.

I think you should both avoid each other from now on as you feel threatened by him and your taking photographs seems to be a trigger that makes him uncomfortable.

Perhaps he's on a 'Wanted' list and feared being outed!
His aggressive behaviour fits!

Rude to take photographs??!! Since when?
What weird lives some people lead.

Ditch them. Decline future invitations from them. There's no need to have a big fall out, just withdraw from them

Yeah, I'm not sure this really needs a thread tbh. It's pretty simple.

Also think you should consider taking less photos and enjoying the actual moment a bit more at future events.

Yes it is rude to spontaneously start photographing,and be buzzing about making memories with a camera
I’d ask the photographer to refrain
And for various reasons some kids it’s best to seek permission before photographing

It was rude of you to take photographs

Oh please.

If I went to a party/gathering/celebration and at least one person wasn't taking photos to remember it by, I'd think it very strange indeed.

@emmyrose2000
Have you ever considered that your own personal preferences might not apply to the rest of the world?

An individual parent taking some photo of their own kid,fine
Ex photographer buzzin about with camera,annoying
I’d suggest be more relaxed,stop capturing it all,relax and mingle without camera

Whoops, well I'm afraid I'll be photographing MY party so you'll have to leave then. Thanks, bye.

Just because its your party doesnt give you the right to take photos of people, there if they dont want you to though. Again though no excuse for his aggressive manner.

Is this a new thing that people find being photographed totally unacceptable at a birthday party? I don't love my look in photos but when out with friends I@m happy to go along with any photo-taking because they want to preserve the memories. I get that in the old days we would take 4/5 max and that would be it, and prolonged snapping is annoying, but surely the birthday girl taking a few photos and sharing them is pretty typical behaviour.

I have honestly never heard anyone in real life say 'I don't like my photo being take, please stop/don't/delete it' and I've been to 100's of social events. Usually if a photo is being taken, people laugh, come together, might put their arms around each other, sigh a bit, one person might duck out. But it's not uncommon and I don't think it's rude either, it's a normal social interaction IMO.

Id be pretty intimidated by that, and I would stop seeing them socially.
He could have asked you not to take photos of him, but the rest of his actions and words were threatening and HE was in YOUR space. Wanker

@VogueVVague
Maybe when I start aggressively threatening people at their own parties, you might have a point. But as that's never going to happen, I fail to see any relevance to your post.

OP, are you coming back?

Ultimately, it boils down to this:
If anyone makes you feel unsafe like this you shouldn’t even question not spending further time with them.

These people don't sound like nice people, so you would be wise to keep away from them in the future. You don't have to have a row with them, just be too busy to reply to messages, or meet up with them.

But please be aware, as shown on this thread, that many people don't like their photos taken. Also, many parents don't like other people taking photos of their children, so I do think you should ask people if they mind, before you start snapping.

It's irrelevent and pointless that so many PPs are stating whether or not they like their photos being taken, becuase the OP clearly states
Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners

People at the party were established friends, not strangers. So they know to expect OP will have their camera out, and you'd expect any "I'd rather not have my picture taken" conversations to have happened previously as this is something the OP does regularly.

I very much hope you don't send them the pictures you took of their kid, Don'tBreak they don't deserve them or your friendship. Vile behaviour on your birthday or at any time.

I think you should cut your ties with these people. This is particularly important if she is a 'mummy friend' and you have children the same age. I would be concerned if your children would be exposed to this type of behaviour in the future.

Some responses on this thread are quite disturbing. Threatening behaviour is apparantly quite normalized behaviour to some.

Also think you should consider taking less photos and enjoying the actual moment a bit more at future events.

Speaking as another photographer here, taking photos is just another way I enjoy stuff. I like doing it. If I don't I just think 'oh that would have made a great photo'.
OP says it helps her memory.

He is well out of order. He could have asked you to leave him out. And also taking pleasure in breaking someone's expensive (and probably very loved) camera is not on. Fuck him. Fuck both of them if wife thinks that's ok too.

Even on your property you were rude taking photos of them without permission, and it’s not an excuse suggest that you like and used to work in photography and enjoy taking and looking at loads of photos. lots of people find this annoying for different reasons.

But his nasty behaviour was totally unacceptable.

I wouldn’t see him again. I would assume that he may be an arsehole to his DW regularly and might keep in touch with her if feasible to see her alone.

Just drop them. No need to explain why.

You may like and enjoy it cjferg, but lots of people (of all ages) dislike having their picture taken or the distraction of someone snapping away.

InsomniacAnonymous "It's astonishing how many find this behaviour acceptable."

Again, I haven't seen a single post saying that.''

Then look at the 1st 2 very posts on the thread condoning what the man did. They jump to his defense.
1.''So you took his photo without permission he got annoyed then literally nothing else happened. Should have asked in the first place to avoid this type of thing happening''

1. Do you think you are overreacting?''

Please explain to me how this is not excusing his thuggish behaviour towards a woman???

Thank you all for the replies.

To those who hate your photo being taken, I was one of the few photographers hired for various events due to my approach to ensure guests could and would be able to tell me not to photograph them or delete photos. In some cases I would also help them by showing how to use my camera or what they can't do with other photographers to ensure they could keep our of photos. I also share photos to a locked album with strict instructions about sharing photos (such as other people or their kids).

I've even protected people from being photographed at events who were being harassed - if someone doesn't like their photo being taken I do what I can to make them feel comfortable even if I'm not the photographer. All you have to do is ask.

I took 15 photos in total so not very paparazzi and 10 of them were of my little girl playing with her friends or spinning in her dress and one as a set up check photo for lighting. I only took one of him from about 3 metres away before he kicked off.

In all my years of doing photos, in a professional and hobby manner, I've never been threatened before, let alone in my own home. Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was a little out of order.