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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 12:20

@emmyrose2000
It wasnt a party though it was a small group of people having cake in the garden, in other words it wasnt like there was a photographer slowly making the rounds, it was the op by her own admission really into taking pics in a kind of claustrophobic setting

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 12:20

Op lots of people on here and in real life excuse men being aggressive and threatening. Sadly I suspect that is because many of them know and put up with men like this, so minimise their behaviour.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2018 12:20

Interesting that you see it having been your birthday as some sort of special protection. He was rude and unnecessarily aggressive, you don’t have to see either of them again if you don’t want to. But having them as guests in your home on your birthday doesn’t give you more rights than to expect behaviour you’re comfortable with from other people anywhere else or on any other occasion. Why are you more concerned about what he’ll do in future just because it won’t be your birthday?

expatinscotland · 27/05/2018 12:20

I hate having my photo taken. I look shit, always. Bloody HATE it. But, I would have asked this person to leave and cut them off. He was in your home. The polite think to do is say, 'Oh, please don't take my photo. I really don't like having my photo taken,' and leave it at that.

Do not minimise this. He was threatening, they found it funny, you are not over-reacting.

Honestly, life is way, way too short to pander to people like this or have potentially violent bullies in your life.

I'll bet you London to a brick this isn't the first time they have behaved in a bullying fashion, hence your H's response.

He's got your back and sees more than us on the internet, hence his 'this is the just the cherry on top'.

If you can't do it yourself, get your h to do it (cut them off), just stop responding to this 'friend' and her bullying, nasty husband and being in their company.

I have a feeling this isn't their first time bullying you and they see it as a bit an amusement.

I would not want my spouse or my kids associating with twats like that. And I sure as hell wouldn't want them in my house again.

Polarbearflavour · 27/05/2018 12:21

You could have asked first but then he also could have politely said “oh please don’t take my photo” and left it at that. He sounds nasty and aggressive.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2018 12:21

Wait... in YOUR GARDEN?

It isn't illegal to take other people's pictures and, as you said, you would just have not have included him had he asked.

But no! He threatened you and your camera and continued to ensure you knew hew as there for the rest of the afternoon? In you own garden? And his wife colluded, added information on his past illegal, destructive behaviour and laughed? IN YOUR OWN GARDEN?

I have no idea why some posters are trying to say you were being unreasonable. This man was your guest, in your home, and instead of just leaving when he felt uncomfortable, he offered up some really aggressive behaviour and somehow that is your fault?

Yes, you should have asked him to leave. And yes your D is right, they are not friends and you really should feel very comfortable telling them, and anyone else who asks, why!

InsomniacAnonymous · 27/05/2018 12:22

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but it wouldn't have happened if you'd asked people before taking their photograph. As you can see from the responses on this thread, a lot of people hate having their photo taken. I'm another one of them.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 12:22

Also he laughed about it with his wife, and the wife was one of 3 friends at your party.

So either shes a shit friend or you're overegging the pudding. Which is it?

gillybeanz · 27/05/2018 12:22

I hate having mine took too and wouldn't have been happy at you just snapping away. I'd have felt like some type of project, especially as you used to be a photographer.
Save it for those who book you to take their photo's and don't presume everyone likes it.

He was out of order though, because even if joking he didn't apologise when it must have been obvious you were shocked and upset.
I think I'd have asked him to leave if I felt uneasy.

gamerchick · 27/05/2018 12:23

Just bin them off OP, they made you feel u comfortable in your home. The camera thing is separate. Yes it is annoying when someone is taking a ton of photos at every gathering. But some people like it. In your own house though do what you want.

SardineReturns · 27/05/2018 12:23

AnneLovesGilbert

Generally being a shit to someone on their birthday, and especially at their birthday party, is seen as worse than being a shit to them at other times.

I feel quite out of tune with most posters here:

Photos at parties = normal
Upsetting someone at their birthday party = bad
Big man threatening little woman = bad

OrangeAztec · 27/05/2018 12:23

It's quite hard for a guest at someone's birthday to ask them not to take photos- I would bear that in mind for future OP, when you're out somewhere neutral as a group people can easily say "put the camera away and relax!" Or "I hate having my photo taken can you not take mine please" but when you're in someone's home, there are just a few of you and it's the host's birthday they may feel obliged to just go with it even if they don't like it.

SoupDragon · 27/05/2018 12:24

Yes, you should have asked if you could take a photo but his reaction was completely unnecessary and too aggressive. I wouldn’t be seeing them again and I would tell them why.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 12:24

@SardineReturns
Big man threatening tall or fat woman alright then?

Aeroflotgirl · 27/05/2018 12:24

I don't see it as threatening, not everyone likes their pictures taken, i am not keen as I am not particularly photogenic. Mabey that was a cue to give it a rest for a bit. He coukd have asked nicely though.

gillybeanz · 27/05/2018 12:25

Send your friend a text stating you can't be friends with someone who thinks her husbands behaviour was acceptable, then ditch them both.

Lacucuracha · 27/05/2018 12:25

Anne, OP says in her OP that she has previously sent these couples pictures she has taken them of their children and they have pit them up on FB.

These people have given OP no prior indication that they objected to having photos taken but have chosen the occasion of her birthday to be aggressiveky against it.

I think her birthday is relevant in this context. Why have they never said anything before? And why couldn't they be polite?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2018 12:25

I also really hate having my picture taken. But I wouldn't go as far as to threaten a photographer or their equipment, especially not if I was in their own home.

I would ask that they didn't include me and, if that wasn't possible I would make my excuses and leave early. Cos, mainly, I know that some people love having pictures and some don't and I don't expect to call the shots in someone elses home!

Loonoon · 27/05/2018 12:26

I also hate being photographed but if my host wanted to do it I would put up and shut up.

I would ditch them. They are rude and unboundaried.

flumpybear · 27/05/2018 12:26

I'd be avoiding that couple! He was unnecessarily rude and aggressive and ruined your enjoyment - asshat!

Rainydaydog · 27/05/2018 12:26

If it had just been a random party and you popped up taking photos I could see it as a joke gone wrong . But these are your friends you know well enough to invite to your birthday party. They must know your background and that photography is your hobby. So a friendly request at the start of the party would have been normal if he doesn't like being in photos. His behaviour was very rude and uncalled for.

8pinksnails · 27/05/2018 12:27

His behaviour was disgusting, there is no reason to speak to anyone like that, he could have asked nicely not to be in any pictures. I wouldn't be seeing him again.

Iloveacurry · 27/05/2018 12:27

I don’t think you overreacted. He did. His response was very unnecessary. Is his wife a good friend? If so speak to her and explain how you felt uncomfortable at his response.

FissionChips · 27/05/2018 12:27

YANBU, he could have simply asked you not to take his photo.

hildabaker · 27/05/2018 12:28

I definitely see his attitude as threatening, what a bully. I would not be inviting either of them to your place again. There's different ways to ask could you not take his photo. Horrible man.

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