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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 28/05/2018 11:22

I feel like if you're taking pictures you're not really enjoying the event. That's not really for you to judge.

And if you came round to mine I'd tell you to leave the camera at home or not come round at all.

I think most people would be pleased not to come round at all if a 'friend' spoke to them like that.

Rainydaydog · 28/05/2018 11:28

Even though the OP is a small woman she doesn't need to be scared of this man in her own home surrounded by people. If she was more confident and assertive she would have replied straight away that she found his behaviour inappropriate at her birthday party and pointed out he simply needs to ask nicely and she would never take his picture. Sadly many of us do get intimidated by aggressive people even when there is very little chance they could actually hurt us, or if they did the consequences would probably be worse for them, since the police would be involved. But fear isn't always rational and we have been taught to respect and obey bigger people all our lives. I'm short and I sometimes feel intimidated by very large people who are a little aggressive or at least highly assertive in their manner. When this happens I try to channel my inner Jack Russell and stand up for myself.

PlumsGalore · 28/05/2018 11:39

He sounds to me to be an aggressive sort and she probably goes along with him to deflect any aggression from her.

Distance yourself without any guilt and don't socialise with either again, if she asks why, tell her.

Charm23 · 28/05/2018 11:42

If I was in your position OP I would be fuming and get my DH to kick him out immediately. He was rude and hostile: not the behaviour you expect when you've been invited to someones house, especially at a birthday event. Nobody gets to disrespect you or your family in that way by making them uncomfortable in their own home.
I understand he didn't want his photograph taken - that's fine and I get that - but you DO NOT threaten people to get your own way. You use words to express yourself, not threats. There is a way to speak to people if you aren't happy about something and he obviously has no idea how to do that. Avoid, avoid!
Don't feel bad about how you are now feeling towards them, I would be exactly the same. It sounds like this was a long time coming. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Kaybush · 28/05/2018 12:07

OP I'm so sorry this happened to you, especially on your birthday and I would definitely distance yourself as they both sound vile.

Nice people do NOT behave like that.

Carycach100 · 28/05/2018 12:13

what the heck has his and your height got to do with anything. Did you think he was going to beat you up infront of his and your partners and kids.Stop being so melodramatic.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 28/05/2018 12:19

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BerylStreep · 28/05/2018 13:22

I'm just Shock at so many of the comments on here trying to minimise the op's feelings on this.

He was aggressive and threatening to op. His wife backed him up. Op's dislike of confrontation meant she didn't feel she could address it head on. There's obviously more that OP's DH has also picked up on. I might have cried after the fact too, because it is so over the top in the context of what should have been a nice afternoon on the op's birthday in her own home, where she should feel safe.

Shame on those who have tried to minimise this. I think the op's account of experiencing life changing head injuries as a result of being thrown around like a doll has a lot to how the op perceived this.

Having said that, I also dislike having my photo taken, but would probably never say anything.

Glad your DH has your back op. Don't have anything to do with either of these people again.

Smudge100 · 28/05/2018 17:36

You have answered your own question. In your position i would cut ties with this friend and her bully of a boyfriend as your husband suggests. Don’t give it another thought. Outrageous to threaten a woman in her own home where you are a guest.

FaveNumberIs2 · 28/05/2018 17:42

I love taking pics (I did photography 25 years ago) but I too hate having my picture taken and will go to great lengths to avoid being in a picture. They probably thought they were there to enjoy your birthday, no be the next top model.

I am sorry you had a hard time in your past (been there, done that) but that has nothing to do with them, or this situation.

That said, I do think you should keep away from them, they obviously have a life totally different to yours and are not good friend material for you.

Let them go, concentrate on yourself and your decent friends, and once in a while, put the camera down xxx

Rach5l · 28/05/2018 17:43

He shouldn't have been so aggressive but I see his point. It's a horrible instrusion having someone snapping away at you when you don't want it. Sorry but I would avoid being friends with you at all if you constantly had a camera in my face. Perhaps practice social events without your camera.

ToftyAC · 28/05/2018 17:47

He asked you not to take his photo & you respected that, no probs. His manner was indeed rude and aggressive though. This is your home, and he was fucking out of order. YANBU. I am an amateur photographer and generally just love taking photos. I’ve never been asked not to take photos, only that I don’t put them on FB & that’s fine, but I’ve never been made to feel uncomfortable or threatened. That’s shit.

jade9390 · 28/05/2018 17:48

I hate having my photo taken but would not threaten anyone but you should have relaxed and enjoyed your own party. You do not have to visit and be friends with people you do not like or want to be around. Just let the friendship fizzle out and make excuses if you get invited, you do not have to face a confrontation that way.

Carycach100 · 28/05/2018 18:00

He said ' "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"'He didn't threaten you FFs
and no you should not just assume people are wiling to be snapped away at just because you feel like it.
You bang on about your past, but have you stopped to think why he might have reacted the way he did ? It sounds like you may have touched a raw nerve with him too.Maybe he was forced into child pornography for example.

Silky77 · 28/05/2018 18:11

I absolutely hate having my photograph taken, so I tend to ignore invitations to social events like birthday parties/christenings because I know there will be someone snapping away. (I actually had one woman stalk me round a Halloween event, taking the most unflattering pics of me that she then posted on FB Confused)

I didn't tell her, or anyone else who has ever took my photograph on the sly*, to stop it because it would have rude and would have made her and the other guests uncomfortable. YANBU I would avoid their company in future.

  • I put a lot of weight on after suffering from severe anxiety/depression a few years ago and I caught a person whom I believed to be a good friend taking a photograph of me looking like a blimp in my pyjamas Hmm
Rainydaydog · 28/05/2018 18:11

Maybe he was forced into child pornography for example Biscuit

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 18:13

FFS. Some people are willing to make any excuse for aggressive men.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 28/05/2018 18:19

No one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your home. If they chose to accept an invite to the birthday of a friend who has a keen interest in photography then it’s pretty likely that a camera will feature. You were hardly getting in their faces with photos taken 3m away and they seemed happy to accept your shots of dc for her fb page. They just sound odd and not particularly pleasant - especially if they think that this is ‘banter’ (to be fair, my anti-bants monitor is set on permanent ‘try it and I reach for the supersoaker’ mode). Trust your instincts and avoid.

Hygge · 28/05/2018 18:27

OP YANBU.

It makes no difference what you were doing or what your history or his history is, he made you feel threatened and intimidated you in your own home at your own party and then laughed about it.

Don't see either of them again. They don't sound like good people to be in your life. You don't need to have them in it.

I'm sorry he's upset you so badly. Flowers

YouTheCat · 28/05/2018 18:31

Are some people reading a different thread to me? Op has said several times that she was taking photos of the kids and his hat was in one shot. She took 15 photos in total - that is not 'snapping away in someone's face'. Ffs.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 28/05/2018 18:33

I would have told him - very seriously - to leave.

I loathe having my photo taken and would only whine 'oh God no, please don't take my photo - I always look like a gargoyle!'. The camera is not my friend but I wouldn't threaten anyone unless they were being an arse and purposely making a point of snapping me after I asked them to stop.

If that's what passes as acceptible behaviour and/or humour then I wouldn't socialise with them again.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 28/05/2018 18:37

Nah he is a twat

See friend without him . Wonder what’s he is like behind closed doors Sad

youarenotkiddingme · 28/05/2018 18:39

My ds hates having his photo taken unless he's agreed to it before snapping.

I've taught him to ask politely not to photograph him and if the person doesn't respect that to leave.

I've always told him you can't change others behaviour but you can adjust yours.

I certainly wouldn't be asking people not to snap away in their own home or allow ds t be rude and abrasive about it.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 28/05/2018 18:41

Our friend are always snapping away - I don't like me in photos but I have a wonderful history of 30 years friendship through their various photos! It helps that one is a photographer and one a director...

MrsDilber · 28/05/2018 18:50

I love taking photos too. I think there is a point though that we have to stop living life through the lens and just enjoy the moment.

He was BU, I'd have a private word with your friend to find out what the score actually is before you go NC.