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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:53

boiler please stop swearing - “fucking moron” , “ twat” ?

I hope you realise how threatening you seem - we have differing opinions. I accept that. You need to accept it too.

OP asked for our opinions. We gave them. That’s what the AIBU section is all about. Are you suggesting it’s ought to be some sort of sycophantic echo chamber?
I sincerely hope not....

I disagree with you, and I think you’re very confused as to what chivalry actually means.

Mookie81 · 27/05/2018 18:56

The OP is completely overreacting.
Who says not being able to take pics at a small gathering 'heartbreaking'? Hmm
Her whole OP is an overreaction.

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:58

.....whatever you do Mookie - don’t let boiler hear you saying that 😮
He gets very angry!

YouTheCat · 27/05/2018 19:03

She didn't shove her camera in his face. She was taking a photo of kids. The only bit of him in the photo is his hat.

It was the OP's birthday party in her own home. She can snap what she bloody well pleases.

Mookie81 · 27/05/2018 19:12

Luisa27 Grin
I'm sure my delicate 5 ft 3 disposition can handle his wrath!

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 19:14

....ahahaha, phew!

Ladymadness · 27/05/2018 19:16

Bin them off op they sound bloody horrible

I dont like my photo being taken but would have just asked you to please not take my photo. Its not hard to be polite hes just a bullying arsehole.

ScrubTheDecks · 27/05/2018 19:24

Well, I hate, really hate, having my photo taken, and I hate people putting my picture up on their damn Facebook Page, it makes me cringe and feel quite panicky.

BUT I have never ever said anything more than ''I hate having my picture taken so leave me out, please' (even when that doesn't seem to be taken seriously) and think his behaviour was threatening and disturbing. Also the woman's support and apparent pride in his aggressive stance.

But why hasn't your DH told you what she did to make him question her behaviour? He needs to tell you, not keep things from you, especially things concerning someone who threatened you.

You are not a child and he is your husband. tell him to stop playing games and tell you.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 19:24

@mookie81 it was though - I have spent years getting away from unsafe environments and finally have what feels like a safe home at last. Now I'm threatened in my own home on my birthday doing something I love. It may have been the wrong placement of where heartbroken went but it did put me on edge for the rest of the time they were there and had soured the event for me. Rather than a gathering of friends and fun, I was on edge most of the time worrying what else might piss them off.

But ya I can see why it reads as over the top without the right context Blush

OP posts:
Socrates73 · 27/05/2018 19:32

Well firstly I suppose you can learn from the experience, check with people that they are ok with being photographed/photographing their children before you go ahead. I've known people who constantly snap on their cameras at social gatherings and it makes me on edge and irritable.

But ... he shouldn't have spoken to you so threateningly. Personally I'd want this couple out of my life, they don't sound like good friends. Only you know the whole picture but I'd be having a really good think about how much I wanted them around me and my kids.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 19:33

@scrubthedecks he honestly can't see the point but also if he told me everything that he thought about how people treated me we would probably still be having that conversation in December Blush

I'm a bit of a walk over and sometimes don't realise how crap people treat me. Took my dad "jokingly" threatening him with a kitchen knife over cheese to realise that my view on what was acceptable behaviour was a bit... Abnormal. Been to counciling since and sometimes I just have to learn to trust his opinion on what is OK behaviour than him trying to constantly explain why it is actually abusive... My family is messed up so my understanding of normal boundaries and behaviour also is. And someone is currently trying to hack his server Shock so he's a little busy right now dealing with an army of coders.

OP posts:
scrumples · 27/05/2018 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Echobelly · 27/05/2018 19:38

Unless he was joking and OP totally misread it I don't see why people are telling her she was being ridiculous. I've had people tell me - politely - that they don't like having their photo taken or posted online, and therefore have not posted it or have taken it down.

There was no reason for him to be so threatening at all, he could have just said 'Look, I really don't like photos, please could you delete it' job done. And if it was a joke, it was an insensitive one - if it's someone you don't know well, you don't joke like that with them, you don't know if they might have been a victim of violence and find it extremely upsetting. And given her background, I can understand why OP felt constrained from taking other photos lest he kick off again.

scrumples · 27/05/2018 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 19:48

@socrates73 I normally do check just birthday excitement and the fact that everyone else was a camera whore o the husband who knows I respect his opinion not to be photographed.

I'm definitely going to learn from this and it has been really interesting to hear from all the camera shy people who seem to have had horrible experiences. It is important to learn from others and have an open mind so it has been really good to hear these stories.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 27/05/2018 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 27/05/2018 19:53

Scrumples, there was only one picture and that was the one with his hat in. That was the picture he had objected to being taken.

This is totally different from those annoying people who try and photograph others, saying ' oh come on it's only a picture' and getting in your face even when it clearly makes you uncomfortable.

OP was taking pictures of the kids not trying to get the aggressive man to pose.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 19:55

I also think your husband sounds a bit domineering. Re your OP, he said he "didnt want you to see them again".

Bit of a hard line to take, particularly as the wife didnt do much wrong...

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 19:56

@scumples but he told me after I had taken the photo of his hat in the corner. The photo later he wasn't in at all as I was taking a photo of my little girl playing at the end of the garden about 10 metres away. He was about a metre away on my right so would have been an impressive swing around to get a very close up of his nose with how the focus was set up.

OP posts:
scrumples · 27/05/2018 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingdemon · 27/05/2018 20:15

I don't like pictures being snapped all the time at parties. I feel like if you're taking pictures you're not really enjoying the event. And I'm really self conscious about pictures and hate people tagging me in stuff on social media. I wouldn't want to come round to yours again if that was the deal. And if you came round to mine I'd tell you to leave the camera at home or not come round at all.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/05/2018 20:19

Bit of a hard line to take, particularly as the wife didnt do much wrong...

You thought the bullying arsehole didn't do much wrong, though, either?

YouTheCat · 27/05/2018 20:22

Op said she took 15 photos in total. That is hardly 'being snapped all the time'.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 20:36

@voguevvague he's really not but in this instance went "I just want to protect you and my kid - I don't feel comfortable with you setting them and this is why" rather than "you must not see them!"

He knows I'm very submissive so goes out of his way to make sure that I can finally be free from all that. This though is one of the very rare times when he's voiced an opinion over fear of my submissive nature and he didn't want little one to see that or be exposed to it.

OP posts:
NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/05/2018 08:54

He was a tosser.
In future I'd say if you have anyone over (hopefully not him and his wife)
Just say I'm going to be snapping throughout the evening anyone unhappy with their picture being taken let me know now so I don't take yours.
Then if someone says no don't take their photo. Otherwise any nasty behaviour results in having to leave.