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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 17:57

@boilerhouse2007
Oh yeah, a real chivalry supporting anti aggression gentleman arent you, having called Luisa a "fucking moron" upthread. We dont need any faux white knights thanks.

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:00

....yes my DH just pointed that out Vogue - bit odd

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:02

''I do appreciate your stance on chivalry Boiler - I just don’t feel it’s pertinent in this context.''

yes it is, i have female friends, a mother [and believe me -I used to have mega fights with her even as an adult ]and I have sisters and am naturally much bigger and stronger than all of them and never in my life would I speak to them in such a way. It is bullying plain and simple.

It is the same way I would not expect a semi pro male boxer to threaten me over a trivial thing. Because he has qualities and advantages i don't have and so I 'd lose respect for him and see it as bullying. A semi pro boxer mate of mine did threaten me before[over a trivial matter] and i lost all respect for him and just seen him as a thug.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 18:03

@boilerhouse2007
Yet you just spoke to Luisa that way.
Anyway whatever we get it - you're a very big, very strong man.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:05

@boilerhouse2007
Oh yeah, a real chivalry supporting anti aggression gentleman arent you, having called Luisa a "fucking moron" upthread. We dont need any faux white knights thanks.

Yea big difference over addressing strangers in an internet forum than going up to their face and doing it in their own property and I was doing it as she was clearly trolling and condoning what the man did.

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 18:05

@boilerhouse2007
Having a different opinion =/= trolling

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:06

''Anyway whatever we get it - you're a very big, very strong man.''

No im not, my point is im like most men and bigger and stronger than women. Just like the guy in ops story.

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:08

....the context is important Boiler - as is the validity of OP’s perspective.

If you know OP - or were at the party and witnessed the altercation - then by all means, tell me I’m wrong - otherwise it’s simply YOUR opinion. Our opinions differ.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:10

''You break down in tears when your husband tells you you were right, a man was a bit mean to you.''

Yea i pity your daughters if these are the type of values you accept-tell your daughters that if their men abuse them then suck it up... Suppose your own parents are to blame for that.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:12

Luisa if this was your mother/sister/daughter taking pics and was just 1 pic of the man [like the op said] and he turned on her like that are you seriously telling me you would be in anyway ok with him talking to her in that manner?????

HouseworkIsASin10 · 27/05/2018 18:13

put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking

He was a prick and I would have told him to leave. But being 'heart broken' is as weird as fuck.

I hate getting my picture taken and would have just left instead of taking it out on you. As a guest I would have felt uncomfortable.

Was this the first time he has visited your home and seen you in action? Has he been in your company on other occasions when you're snapping away?

NamedyChangedy · 27/05/2018 18:14

Yes OP, definitely ask him to leave next time, or at least point out that you find his language unacceptable. Easier said than done, I realise!

However, as a tall woman I do prickle a bit at the 'big nasty man being mean to ickle me' bit - no one deserves that, 5'2" or not.

Birdsgottafly · 27/05/2018 18:15

He was a fucking gobshite. It might well have been banter (which I enjoy), but you make sure that you know your audience first.

For those saying he wasn't going to "wrestle her to the ground", I've seen 'Men' spit in woman's faces/throw drinks over them, instead. these 'men' would never do that to other Men. Low level bullying and attempted intimidation does exist and is done any chance possible, by some Men.

Either way, it's the OP's birthday. You turn up, be nice, eat food/drink and go home, not spout bullshit.

If I asked someone to stop taking pictures of me and they carried on, i'd get to the point were I would physically stop them. i also hate the lack of engagement someone taking pictures creates. I've been out with bores, whose idea of having a laugh is pictures and filters. So I get that side of it.

OP, you and your DH have issue with them. Don't go out of your way to include them. At the least you have different personalities and you don't have to be friends with everyone.

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:18

Have to agree with Vogue though Boiler - I sense your chivalry may not be as wholesome as you’re suggesting?

In fact, I think you may be conflating things a little Boiler - so you’re saying it’s perfectly reasonable to call a woman (5’3” 8st 3lbs btw ) a “fucking moron”, yet you claim never to speak harshly to your sisters et al because of your ‘hugeness’ - and it would be perceived (by you) as bullying?

Hmmm - not sure I can take any of your points seriously boiler. Sorry

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:21

''He was a fucking gobshite. It might well have been banter (which I enjoy), but you make sure that you know your audience first.''

My thoughts exactly- the fact she did not laugh back and walked on is really telling she did not get the 'joke' and he should have apologized. Also the fact that her dh was not surprised and did not really like them either really speaks volumes here.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:23

you have not answered my question Luisa... And nah you came in here acting a moron so you got that back...

ADarkandStormyKnight · 27/05/2018 18:30

Haven't rtft but is this a new relationship for your friend? I would be worried about her if her new man is getting aggressive with her friends. Maybe its deliberate to isolate her.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 18:31

@voguevvague he openly went on about breaking someone's camera and was proud about it...

"Playing on my height" is easier than explaining my various disabilities, emotional abuse and past which does make a taller man making a threat to me easier to convey how I might not be as able to defend myself. It is also something easier to visualise (often used in films and animation to convey fear or feeling in superior in some manner) for those than "so I couldn't lift a pen for 6 months or walk to the loo for 9 months unaided". My height has never felt an issue until someone much taller and stronger has threatened me or my possessions.

And I didn't cry over the man but over the fact that I wasn't over reacting and my opinions and feelings matter. Seeing more people are listening and telling me something similar means a lot.

That is why I'm asking here because in the past I've just let things slide despite being sexually assaulted by someone because I felt like I might have been over reacting or that my opinion didn't matter.

OP posts:
Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:35

Ooops apologies Boiler was making panzanella...

My point is I don’t necessarily believe OP’s version of events are well balanced - and feel we may hear a different version from others who were there. Do you see?
So your analogy involving my mother/sister/daughter scenario is redundant in this discussion. I don’t want to play ‘let’s pretend’. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Also, you may like to consider this for future reference - if someone comments on a thread - with a different opinion to yours - it doesn’t mean your reaction should immediately be to (metaphorically) shout “ you’re a fucking moron”
That just makes you seem reactionary, and a little bit thick

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:38

....as well as dreadfully in chivalrous 😂

Luisa27 · 27/05/2018 18:39

Un !! 😂

huha · 27/05/2018 18:42

Your house your rules. If he was that uncomfortable then he should have left. You should have felt comfortable taking pictures (not of him) without worrying about his thug like behaviour. I'm a little surprised your friend hasn't reached out to apologize. It would be game over for me, I'm afraid.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 18:42

''My point is I don’t necessarily believe OP’s version of events are well balanced - and feel we may hear a different version from others who were there. Do you see?
So your analogy involving my mother/sister/daughter scenario is redundant in this discussion. I don’t want to play ‘let’s pretend’. Do you understand what I’m saying? ''

Yea well i do believe op, why would op come on here and tell a lie?? Who would she be trying to save face from when we are all strangers? No if you do not believe her then move on but to come on and challenge her version of events makes you look like a twat. And yea you choose not to answer the question because you know there is only 1 answer and that frankly contradicts all the crap you have being spewing trying to antagonize.

CrockedPot · 27/05/2018 18:50

I hate it when people are snapping away when I’m eating cake etc! But it sounds as if he was a bit aggressive in his reaction. In my opinion - I’d let it go, stop shoving your camera in everyone’s face all the time and save it for when the moment is more private.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 27/05/2018 18:51

That would be end of friendship for me. You don't need that in your life. Friends are supposed to enrich your life not have you walking on eggshells in your own garden on your birthday.

By all means say 'please don't take my picture, I'm self conscious got another hidden family and i dont want to be seen on Facebook 'but don't threaten to deck the photographer with a ball.