AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

[DontBreakMyCamera]

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

Temptress, OK, let's imagine his initial 'don't you dare' was said jokily and the OP misinterpreted.

What do you think about 'if you get my drift' and pointedly talking about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera?

Why would you want to see them again?

Why give them another opportunity to upset you or your friends and family?

@luisa27 as someone who has sustained a life changing head injury having been thrown over some 6" something guys shoulder as a joke... Yes.

All my life I have been someone who has been picked up and thrown around or run off with (got to love security for helping me out with those instances) because I am so short and in the past skinny. Someone being taller, probably much healthier and stronger (got a lovely weak arm and back due to a car accident) does mean they are more likely to be able to do me harm than I am to them.

I'm friends with a lot of tall guys, they don't threaten me in my own home. Well one does but with bringing chocolate or a new board game rather than implying on breaking my camera.

“....challenged her physically” ???
As in ‘a fight’ ?

From what OP said he was sitting with his wife?? Not challenging (tiny helpless) OP to a wrestle

Boiler - your ‘scenario’ sounds like something totally different - a garden filled with tiny helpless women and hugely gargantuan men who don’t like having their photos taken

I’m 5’3” - and slim - stop inferring all women under 6’ are helpless victims

It’s embarrassing

Luisa27 Why are you so intent on belittling the OP? None of us were there except her. If she says she felt threatened, that's what she felt. She doesn't have to clear that with you or anyone else first.

I'm 5ft 1. If a 6ft 2 bloke started making veiled threats towards me I'd be frightened. Not because I'm a victim but because I have enough awareness to realise a 6ft2 bloke could overpower me if that was his intent.

Op ignore Luisa.

Chuffing - in MY OPINION - OP mentioning her height and his height, in her opening gambit - meant that ‘her version’ of events lost all integrity

It’s that simple

For me it all depends on tone. His words weren't bad, I have used them myself but always in a lighthearted manner. (I hate having my photo taken).

Sorry you felt threatened though. That's not cool.

The moments passed so as you didn't tackle it there and then 2 options 1) say nothing but distance yourself and no more invites 2)text her to say sorry but felt threatened by your dh by his reaction and story of breaking a camera and see what response you get.

Bog - the (huge) chap was sitting with his wife - not lurking behind tiny OP in a deserted alleyway

I think perspective is needed here

I find people trying to get photos of me invasive as well don't understand why everyone and their dog seems to need to be photographed on any occasion, either. I probably would have just left because nobody seems to take any notice when I ask them not to, rather than be aggressive. I'm on the fence here. I can understand if he was annoyed but he could have expressed that more politely, not let you carry on then get aggressive when he couldn't be bothered to say anything (he clearly wasn't afraid to!).
To another PP, introversion doesn't mean 'lacks social skills/wants an excuse not to develop them' - a lot of extroverts have shitty social skills themselves so that's a complete load of tosh. It just means we don't like spending all our time around other people - it says nothing about how we interact with others when we are being sociable.

I'm a bit torn on this one as I also really hate having my picture taken -the reassurances you give wouldn't change that.

I do think he was out of order, and I think I probably would have said something like, "that's a bit extreme, I hope you are joking, but of course, yes I won't take any of you" and see if that de-escalated things. Obviously if he just ramped up with similarly aggressive comments then that might be time to ask them to leave.

But I wonder if you are that friend, known for subjecting people to your camera at every possibility...they could well have gotten themselves worked up to this point in anticipation of being subjected to this yet again. Some people find it hard to find the balance between assertive and aggressive, particularly if they are unsure that they will be heard or just given reassurances that don't really address their concerns. From experience, it's something the photography-mad seem to struggle to accept. It's the one thing that even if I say assertively, "i'd prefer you didn't do that" that my preferences are either mocked, or forensically questioned or washed over with irrelevant reassurances based on the photographers assumptions of why it might bother me. It is very irritating.

Interesting thread though....

And DH has just reminded me that at my birthday party last year - one of our neughbours told my BIL she would “throw the fucking camera into the pool - and you with it” if he didn’t stop snapping away at them. Not sure he felt threatened though - even though she’s around 5’9 - 10” and he’s only 5’7” 😮

Unfortunately we have all had the bejeezus scared out of us regarding pictures being shared of us and our DC on social media and what people do with those pictures. As a result people are much more cautious now. I am usually a chilled out person but now I say to anyone that NO, you are not taking pictures of us. I am afraid you have to now respect this and not be snap happy around your friends and their families.

Your friend and her DH are another issue. If he is aggressive I wouldn't want to hang out with him again. I actually have a friend like this. Her DH is very macho and makes indirect threats with a smile. I am not scared of him because he'd end up in jail if he laid a hand on me and he knows it. He's just a bully. I grew up in a household of older men and I am not scared of someone bigger and stronger than me and have on many occasions told them to fuck off. All 5ft 3 of me.

@Luisa27
I agree the height comment was cringe!

I hate having my photo taken - in fact there are security issues in my family too - so I am very conscious of people's privacy. But sounds like he might have an aggressive sense of humour though and I would not be keen on staying friends with him.

''I’m 5’3” - and slim - stop inferring all women under 6’ are helpless victims

It’s embarrassing''

She is not but it is perfectly natural to be intimidated if somebody bigger and stronger than you makes threats to your face then to become frightened. It is the same for all sexes and shapes and sizes. Also if a male threatens a female then ofcourse she will feel threatened and uneasy as men are naturally much stronger than females. Even a man of 5 foot 8 has a lot better chance of a heeavier 6 foot 2 woman in a fight because the average man has much more muscle,thicker and heavier bones and he can move much faster than an average female....

I am a 6 foot male and 15 stone having body builded for years ye alot of bigger and stronger men would certainly scare me if they threatened me so your point on sexism is moot.

Considering that I expected maybe one or two people to comment on this and we are on page 11 it is interesting to see the discussion about people's opinions on photos but also the importance of unimportantance of height.

Considering that broke down in tears when my husband told me I wasn't over reacting when I told him about it, it is nice to hear that even a few people think the same.

For those upset over photos being taken, as I said before I have been on your side of this argument. Normally I ask people if it is OK for me to bring or take photos, I guess fool for me thinking that in my own home at my own birthday with my friends (who are very happy with photos and even encourage me to bring it) was not an exception.

Just been looking over the 15 photos and the photo in question has two girls playing and his hat in the corner (sat next to his wife who was more visible that you could see her face) so he wasn't even the main focus. I also have open permission to photograph his daughter as they use them for "her" Facebook page.

Lessons learned I guess, will just have a warning on invite in future of "taking photos so if you don't want your photo taken tell me or foxtrot Oscar to the pub". Also yea I am right to trust my instincts in wanting to avoid.

For goodness sake, it doesn't matter how tall he was. He was RUDE!! If he didn't like being photographed, he should have asked nicely or just left. Not made a veiled threat (twice) and stayed and scoffed the Op's food! It would have spoiled my birthday too, and I'm a 5'4" back belt in Karate.

You don't have to tolerate rude people.

''And DH has just reminded me that at my birthday party last year - one of our neughbours told my BIL she would “throw the fucking camera into the pool - and you with it” if he didn’t stop snapping away at them. Not sure he felt threatened though - even though she’s around 5’9 - 10” and he’s only 5’7” 😮''

Yea this is kinda different as the balance is more fair-the man would still likely have win in the fight and call me sexiest but what she did was funny cos she doesn't have a chance of overpowering the man.

It is very different when a man speaks to a female like that because he's a fucking man and alot stronger. I'm all pro feminist but i still believe men have to be gentler to females because they are smaller and more gentle. It's common courtesy and chivalry is needed.

Look, I come from a really rough northern town and I've yet to meet a man who goes round beating up their wives friends. You should have called him out on it and put him in his place. Men who do that are cowards. There is no way he would have done it in front of your DH because he knows he would have got a twating round the head. The best way to deal with someone like this is to just laugh in their face.

Boiler ....agreed - if both tiny OP and huge man were alone in a wrestling ring.
However, this wasn’t the case - was it? They were in OP’s garden and the Big One was sitting with his wife, they were surrounded by others. And some may say, OP was being the albeit (tiny) aggressor with her intrusive camera?

You weren’t there and neither was I - therefore we can only go on what OP told us - the validity of which IMO was devalued hugely by the mutual height ref...

You feel the need to "make memories"
You play on your height, emphasising your completely defenceless fragility in a totally non-dangerous setting
You break down in tears when your husband tells you you were right, a man was a bit mean to you.

You need to stop the self pitying OP. The man was rude. Move on.

P.S. Btw, I do appreciate your stance on chivalry Boiler - I just don’t feel it’s pertinent in this context.