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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this CF-ery or am I being ungrateful?

154 replies

Parentingissotough · 26/05/2018 16:32

I’ll try and keep this brief.

I had a horrendous delivery - they’ve turned it into a compulsory lecture for all Mentors and Third Years in my region, so, yeah, it was pretty bad. As a result I was really unwell physically for a long time after the delivery, and struggled emotionally as my DH couldn’t cope and withdrew from me and DS. As a result it would be fair to say that I was not the life and soul of the party for a while afterwards, complicated by my DS being unwell. So I didn’t see many people for a few months after he was born. When I did I tried to be upbeat but realistically I definitely talked about my issues. One of my NCT friends and I used to hang out a few times a week as we went to the same groups so she definitely helped me out by listening on more than one occasion.

Fast forward and I haven’t seen her since I went back to work nearly a year ago. When I suggested things I didnt get an answer, which is fine, I’m in a much better place so can see I must have been boring to be around and don’t blame her at all for withdrawing. I also think her husband didn’t think my DH and I were ‘worthy’ when we all had dinner together at our house. We’re civil servants in our thirties in a 3 bed detached - I get we might be seen as a bit magnolia.

However, I’ve had a few out of the blue requests recently, nothing major, just questions about nursery policy as our DC are at the same nursery etc. Now I’ve had a request to borrow a fairly expensive piece of kit. Again, out of the blue, not too many niceties. Am I being mean / ungrateful to be reticent to hand it over? I’m just not sure I’ll see it again. But then maybe I’m being really, really mean.

Help me out mumsnet.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 26/05/2018 16:35

So they didn't make contact and that was wrong, now they have and that is wrong. This could be their way of initiating contact again. Maybe they were unsure of how to handle your situation and wanted to give you time and space. You either want contact with them or you don't.

NewYearNewMe18 · 26/05/2018 16:37

Nothing cheeky about asking to borrow something, it's choice whether to lend it or not. If you don't want to, don't.

Fishface77 · 26/05/2018 16:40

I wouldn’t lend it and see if she continues contact.

Guardsman18 · 26/05/2018 16:46

I want to know what it is. I think it'll make more sense then if that's ok?

4GreenApples · 26/05/2018 16:46

I don’t see where ungratefulness comes into it.

How does you not jumping with joy at the chance to lend out your expensive stuff make you ungrateful?

Anyway, if you don’t want to lend it out, you’re under no obligation to. Nothing wrong with telling her no.

BlackWatchBelle · 26/05/2018 16:53

Hmm, I am suspicious by nature and my first reaction would be they somehow want things from you now as they think they may be owed it, ie, the woman listened to your troubles for a long time and may think she got nothing in return.

Personally, you did nothing wrong, you had a whole world of drama and very little outlet and you offloaded to what you thought was a friend. She disappeared forna while now comes back asking for things, thats weird OP. You have every right to say no, if she values the friendship she won't mind. If she doesn't value you then you have lost nothing.

Sorry you had such a horrendous labour Flowers

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 26/05/2018 16:56

Thanks for the replies. It’s not the getting in touch with no niceties after not speaking for months and asking for something. To be honest I’ll probably lend it to them unless my DH says no because I like to help people out if I can but it felt a bit cheeky to me. Maybe I’m being oversensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parentingissotough · 26/05/2018 16:57

Thanks @blackwatchbelle. Much appreciated.

OP posts:
Sprinklesinmyelbow · 26/05/2018 16:59

I suppose you’re thinking she might think you’re a cheeky fucker for using her for support then not being able to meet up with her when you went back to work so might be worth giving it another bash under a clean slate?

I’d say it probably is, but NCT friends aren’t often for life. I’d maybe lie and say the equipment isn’t available at the moment (being lent out/ fixed whatever) and ask
Them round for dinner to catch up. See how that goes

squeaver · 26/05/2018 17:02

I think it is weird that she suddenly got back in touch without any kind of explanation for her lack of contact. But some people are weird. Go with your instinct. Lend her the thing (I'm assuming a pushchair or something) but only if you can live without getting it back or potentially no further contact from her.

BTW, what do you mean by 'magnolia'? (Genuine question, I've never heard that word used outside gardens and paint.)

TERFragetteCity · 26/05/2018 17:05

Erm...so she only got back in touch to borrow the expensive thing? Sod that for a laugh.

Orangecake123 · 26/05/2018 17:08

I personally wouldn't bother in that situation. Not replying back to messages is rude. Don't lend anything expensive unless you can afford to lose it.

GrannyGrissle · 26/05/2018 17:13

I would not lend the kit that is for sure and see if they make contact for contacts sake. Flowers for you OP and you sound like you've done so well to recover and have a sense of humour (love the 'life and soul of the party' line).

Whitecurrents · 26/05/2018 17:13

What do you want OP? If you want to be friends again then respond to the questions, don't necessarily lend the expensive kit, suggest meeting and see what happens. If not then don't bother

Gemini69 · 26/05/2018 17:14

Why would you lend something expensive to people who haven't bothered to contact you for over a year.. and look down their noses at you as not being worthy ? Hmm

SOD that. say NO Flowers

Willow2017 · 26/05/2018 17:18

She has only got back in touch to borrow the kit.

If you werent good enough before they needed something then you arent good enough now.
Sod that.

BrutusMcDogface · 26/05/2018 17:24

Say no!

FindoGask · 26/05/2018 17:33

".. and look down their noses at you as not being worthy ?"

To be fair, that was the OP's impression of this friend's husband's thoughts - who knows what he was actually thinking. He might just not like socialising with his wife's friends - my husband is a bit like that, he is quite antisocial and it takes him a while to get to know people.

I dunno what the story is with your friend, OP, but it does sound like she supported you through a rough patch so she can't be a total arsehole. Why not lend her the thing and see if your friendship is rekindled.

Gemini69 · 26/05/2018 17:36

who knows what he was actually thinking. He might just not like socialising with his wife's friends - my husband is a bit like that, he is quite antisocial and it takes him a while to get to know people

not anti-social enough to prevent asking and use a very expensive piece of equipment though right Hmm

SandAndSea · 26/05/2018 17:42

YANBU to not lend the item.
YABU (imo) to use the phrase 'piece of kit'.

PositivelyPERF · 26/05/2018 17:42

Tell her it is faulty and you’re having it repaired, then ask if she’d like to meet for coffee. Her answer let you know if she wants to be a friend or a user.

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 26/05/2018 17:51

@squeaver I guess I just mean we’re very average. I like cooking and gardening, we have nice but not exciting holidays, family is really important to me and I work but it’s not that big a deal to me. I suppose I mean we don’t have any exciting hobbies or crafty or things that we do that we are ‘passionate’ about apart from spending time together as a family. So I think he felt we were a bit dull. Of course I could be wrong but they spent the meal telling us witty anecdotes so I think that kind of thing is important to them, which is absolutely fair enough.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 26/05/2018 17:55

I would say what you owe this woman is emotional support, just as she did for you. That seems fair - but it also doesn't sound as though she needs it at this point in time. I'd reckon you probably do owe her a few drinks and/or some flowers, although again, she doesn't seem very interested in that kind of payment. However, borrowing expensive equipment is a different kind of transaction altogether. You may feel you owe her the loan of the thing but she may be feeling you owe her the whole thing, which you don't. If you aren't confident she'll give it back, Just Say No.

squeaver · 26/05/2018 17:56

Ah, I see. I'm going to use that.

fwiw, I agree with whitecurrents. What you do next really all depends on whether you want her as a friend. It does sound like you made an effort in the past only to be rebuffed, though.

WitchDancer · 26/05/2018 18:03

Never lend what you can't afford to loose. Given that you haven't heard from her in ages I would think you won't get it back 😔