Is this CF-ery or am I being ungrateful?

[Parentingissotough]

I’ll try and keep this brief.

I had a horrendous delivery - they’ve turned it into a compulsory lecture for all Mentors and Third Years in my region, so, yeah, it was pretty bad. As a result I was really unwell physically for a long time after the delivery, and struggled emotionally as my DH couldn’t cope and withdrew from me and DS. As a result it would be fair to say that I was not the life and soul of the party for a while afterwards, complicated by my DS being unwell. So I didn’t see many people for a few months after he was born. When I did I tried to be upbeat but realistically I definitely talked about my issues. One of my NCT friends and I used to hang out a few times a week as we went to the same groups so she definitely helped me out by listening on more than one occasion.

Fast forward and I haven’t seen her since I went back to work nearly a year ago. When I suggested things I didnt get an answer, which is fine, I’m in a much better place so can see I must have been boring to be around and don’t blame her at all for withdrawing. I also think her husband didn’t think my DH and I were ‘worthy’ when we all had dinner together at our house. We’re civil servants in our thirties in a 3 bed detached - I get we might be seen as a bit magnolia.

However, I’ve had a few out of the blue requests recently, nothing major, just questions about nursery policy as our DC are at the same nursery etc. Now I’ve had a request to borrow a fairly expensive piece of kit. Again, out of the blue, not too many niceties. Am I being mean / ungrateful to be reticent to hand it over? I’m just not sure I’ll see it again. But then maybe I’m being really, really mean.

Help me out mumsnet.

You’ll feel amazing the first time you say “no”. It might not be this time, but do it sometime just for the experience. It’s addictive. Don’t worry about people here getting irritated - but do start setting an example for your child. You deserve better. Be nice to yourself.

But next time you won’t say no. You will get fucked over constantly. It’s not just you that this effects but your family.
Your values are worthless when they are messed up and prioritizing the wrong people.

Just don’t reply to ger anymore

I agree with Gemini69 - CF is happy to ignore your messages, so just ignore hers.

Posted too soon. Meant to add:

That way you don’t need to say ‘no’ at all.

You still want her to like you. It was very enlightening to me when I realised some people will respect others more when they are less accommodating/ available

Just say “no, we’ll be beeding it then”.

It sounds like your self esteem has taken a big knock after your birth experiences. You really need to work on building it up and becoming more assertive. You sound like a nice normal ordinary family, like most of us. You are just as good as anyone else.
It's a shame that your friendship with this person didn't last but that often happens at the baby/toddler stage.
It's nice to be a generous person who will help out others, but you have to be careful that you only offer what you can afford to give (in goods, time or emotional energy) and withdraw from people who are taking advantage of you.

You are going to meet all sorts of cheeky parents when your child goes to school. Start practising saying no now (soon it won't be so difficult) or you will be transporting other peoples children to school every day and baby-sitting them in the evenings. There is an endless list of things you have to learn to say no to. Paradoxically, people like you more when you respect yourself and this if anything may spark her interest in a friendship. Will you really go out yourself and buy a new pushchair because she has no intention of returning this one? You have to be prepared to stand alone, if necessary, to ensure that the people in your life treat you properly, establish your boundaries.
I agree with posters who say ignore, ignore, ignore......... if she has an issue with it, you can say that you have a faulty phone.

Next time I would just say no up front

So why not start now?

You’re talking about lending an expensive item, which you still use yourself, to someone who shows no interest in you, with the expectation that she won’t return it and won’t contact you again.

I really don’t understand the personal values driving this decision to lend the pushchair tbh. Do you feel that you owe her for her past friendship and this will settle the (imaginary) debt or something?

Goodness, a lot more reaction than I was expecting!

So values wise, yes, partly as a result of the past friendship and partly because I have said I will and don’t want to put her in a hole.

The reason I say in future I would say no is that I would be clear up front.

Thank you to everyone for your feedback and thoughts. it is appreciated.

I'm not sure about your "values" , OP.

Valuing someone who doesn't give a flying fart about you over your DH is not something to be proud of.

Just text - "really sorry, something's cropped up so we can't loan the buggy. Hope you sort an alternative."

This is not aggressive and it solves the problem.

Although if you want to, you could add.. "let me have some dates so we can arrange a catch up". She'll def not respond.

Problem solved

I think, if you're determined to go through with lending it, at the very least you need to make bloody sure you get it back!

It's one thing to lend something to someone who doesn't want to be your friend. But to just write off ever getting it back is madness I tell you!

I really hope your dh is ok with losing the buggy and being ignored because you are valuing this woman over him.

It seems less about values and you not wanting to look bad, being everyone's friend even if it means letting them take a dump on you and your dp.

The only sad thing is that you are putting your ex friends before your husbands feelings on this.
Its his buggy too and he has a right to say "NO".

Are you really prepared to lose a valuable buggy just to be 'the nice guy'?
These people dont give a hoot about you only what they can get from you. They wont think any more of you in the long run, they will only see you as a mug. Its not being 'a friend' its being too soft to stand up for yourself and your oh. Is that what you want from life? To roll over to every tom, dick or harry that asks you for something you dont want to do/give? Thats not being the nice guy thats being a doormat.

Are you for real OP?

Your values are you enjoy being a martyr and a door mat to practically strangers who clearly hold you in contempt (unsurprisingly)

And you disdain and ignore your DH, with whom you share a life and who is looking out for you and has contributed towards the family money to buy the expensive stroller.

This is such a bizarre thread.

I don’t think it’s about your values, I think it’s because you’re too chicken to say no

Be honest with yourself

I don’t think sticking to what I’ve said makes me a martyr or chicken, but you’re absolutely entitled to that opinion. I also don’t want to lie and let them down - that will definitely make me feel worse.

My DH isn’t happy because he doesn’t want me to be taken advantage of. He’s not unhappy with me.

I have learnt from this though. Next time I’ll just say no. And know that’s OK.

Thanks all

You know she’s using you. But you don’t mind. Yes that’s being a martyr.

But I don’t think there’s anything anyone can say to stop you - even your husband can’t. God he must feel like crap.

Um. If it was actually upsetting him / hurting him then obviously I wouldn’t do it. He just doesn’t want to see me get hurt so would prefer we didn’t. If I thought it would actually cause an issue in my marriage of course I wouldn’t do it. What a weird value set you must think I have.

He would prefer you didnt do it doesnt want to see you hurt

Both of these things HE wants are the very things you are ignoring as both are happening.

Why are you putting strangers before your dps wishes? How ever you coat it thats what you are doing.

Well you’re the one who said hes not happy

And you’ve shown him (and us) that you value this cheeky fucker more than him and his opinion.

Ok, well thank you for your opinion.

I’m grateful for all the comments. There is definitely an element of lacking self esteem and confidence since my DC was born, so thank you to those who gave support and advice around that. For those who are critical, thank you too.

Saying something has cropped up is not a lie.

The "something" is that you've realised she's a false friend - true. You do not have to reply saying what the "something" is.

This gets the right outcome '- unless you're still clinging on to an idea that she'll be a good friend?

Just imagine how much more difficult you'll find it getting your buggy back....

I do see where you’re coming from.

I’m going to be really clear that we need it back and that I will come and collect it; just tell me the date. I won’t let go of it until we have that. I will say I need to get it in the diary because we’re very busy over the next few weeks.

I’m going to say I will collect it for two reasons. 1 - it doesn’t leave me open to waiting for her to set up a play date that will never happen. 2 - it avoids any issues around, well I know we said we would bring it then but...etc etc. I will simply go round on the appointed day and wait for them to hand it over.

If it isn’t cheeky fuckery they’ll be no issue. If it is then I want it to feel awkward for them.

I wouldn’t volunteer it at all. Ignore messages including the ones just asking for the pushchair. Make her physically turn up to ask. That would take a lot of courage on her part. Then you can put the 3 week return plan into place.