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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this CF-ery or am I being ungrateful?

154 replies

Parentingissotough · 26/05/2018 16:32

I’ll try and keep this brief.

I had a horrendous delivery - they’ve turned it into a compulsory lecture for all Mentors and Third Years in my region, so, yeah, it was pretty bad. As a result I was really unwell physically for a long time after the delivery, and struggled emotionally as my DH couldn’t cope and withdrew from me and DS. As a result it would be fair to say that I was not the life and soul of the party for a while afterwards, complicated by my DS being unwell. So I didn’t see many people for a few months after he was born. When I did I tried to be upbeat but realistically I definitely talked about my issues. One of my NCT friends and I used to hang out a few times a week as we went to the same groups so she definitely helped me out by listening on more than one occasion.

Fast forward and I haven’t seen her since I went back to work nearly a year ago. When I suggested things I didnt get an answer, which is fine, I’m in a much better place so can see I must have been boring to be around and don’t blame her at all for withdrawing. I also think her husband didn’t think my DH and I were ‘worthy’ when we all had dinner together at our house. We’re civil servants in our thirties in a 3 bed detached - I get we might be seen as a bit magnolia.

However, I’ve had a few out of the blue requests recently, nothing major, just questions about nursery policy as our DC are at the same nursery etc. Now I’ve had a request to borrow a fairly expensive piece of kit. Again, out of the blue, not too many niceties. Am I being mean / ungrateful to be reticent to hand it over? I’m just not sure I’ll see it again. But then maybe I’m being really, really mean.

Help me out mumsnet.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 27/05/2018 23:36

If I were your DH, I would hide the pushchair so that you couldn't lend it out to them. And I would probably think less of you for putting me in a position where I had to do this.
Please, do not less this pair make a fool of you!

beIindaBlinked · 27/05/2018 23:42

I agree with Leeds

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/05/2018 23:43

If you lend her the pushchair, you are prioritising her over your partner.

I think that’s selfish to be honest - you would only lend it to protect yourself from the embarrassment/fear of conflict of saying no. You would agree to it to protect yourself and are ignoring your partners feelings.

fuzzywuzzy · 27/05/2018 23:51

What do you get put of lending her your very expensive pushchair?

You will upset your husband

You will feel stupid (& be stupid to do it)

What do you get from lending it to them?
Why do you feel so compelled to kowtow to people who treat you with obvious disdain?

LexieLulu · 28/05/2018 00:00

Just ignore the CF. Don't really answer her or give her a definite.

Or lie and say "sorry just spoke to DH, and my BIL is going camping and is borrowing all our hiking equipment"

Even if you haven't got a BIL 😂

ForgivenessIsDivine · 28/05/2018 07:18

Don't lend it... you will feel resentful and even more so if it is returned with any damage or dirt on it.

JellyBaby666 · 28/05/2018 07:44

I think it’s worth considering why she withdrew for that period? She may have been going through stuff herself, she may have had a hard year and now she’s reaching out and yes has asked to borrow something but also are you the only person she could borrow it from? Probably not! Some friends wax and wane, you’re close for a bit then not and then closer again. If your partner is adamant not to then maybe explore why (is it just the cost?) and if it’s because of her vanishing, invite them for dinner and a catch up before you commit to lending? (Also being about family doesn’t make you dull!)

Orchidflower1 · 28/05/2018 07:55

You dh opinion should be MUCH more important than an acquaintance - even one who has listened in the past. Your posts read that you are appreciative of her support in the past which I under stand but she’s obviously after the push chair not you. If you don’t want an outright no( I don’t think I could either!) what a Pp said - you’ve spoken to dh and xyz needs it for xyz. If she wants to see you she still will. If not you’ve not lost your push chair or wound up dh but you know where you stand.

Cawfee · 28/05/2018 08:10

No. Do not lend it. She’s not a friend. She doesn’t want to meet up but wants to borrow your stuff? User. She doesn’t even reply to you saying about meeting up so don’t even reply to her when she asks to borrow the buggy. She’s horrid. Just don’t. Have more self esteem. I’m not sure why you put you and your circumstances down. Good job, nice house etc it all sounds lovely to me. They should be grateful to have you interested in them. Just because they’ve got witty anecdotes doesn’t make them nice people. You are good people and they are shitty users who are too good to respond to messages? Nope. You and your family are too good for them not the other way around. Expand your social horizons and get to the point of not needing assholes like that. Let me tell you, when I did nct we had the exact same thing with a couple. Oh they were so hip and cool and beautiful and interesting. So special that my hubby wasn’t really their cup of tea because he wasn’t “interesting” or flashy enough for their expensive tastes. Fast forward a few years, they’ve had to move area because he’s been caught out banging other women behind her back. So don’t you put you and your secure/nice/decent life down. Users like they are normally come a cropper because if they act like that with you then they are probably doing it to everyone. Do not give them the buggy. Take back your power. Send her a message and say “I’ve discussed you borrowing thebuggy with my DH and we decided to say no on this occasion. We only lend out equipment to people we see on a regular basis. It’s one of our life rules. Hope you manage to find one from somewhere else and have a great holiday. Take care” then don’t answer any more of her messages

Gemini69 · 29/05/2018 11:10

OP's gone very quiet.. I do hope she hasn't lent it after all Hmm

stay strong OP Flowers

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 29/05/2018 19:42

Sorry everyone. Poorly DC. Thank you for all your advice. I think I’ll end up doing it but I know you’re all right. As is my DH. I know, I need to work on scrubbing the MUG off my forehead.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 29/05/2018 19:45

Awww Nooo OP... just block her lovely... Flowers do what she does to you.. IGNORE Grin

Usernameunknown2 · 29/05/2018 20:30

Dont do it OP, keep putting her off if you have too. Please dont put her over your DH. Just ask yourself who you value more.

HollowTalk · 29/05/2018 20:49

Come on, OP! Once you have kids you have to model good behaviour and not let people walk all over you.

This woman isn't interested in having a friendship with you. You owe her nothing at all. She was nice enough to listen to you, but then you'd had a terrible time. Anyone should've done that for you. Now she's using you. It's so clear to everyone else. She doesn't even reply to you!

I would just ignore her messages, I think, if I couldn't say no. Just don't answer, as she's done for so long.

Willow2017 · 29/05/2018 21:07

Don't be soft.
They are users they wont give a stuff about you after you lend them the buggy.
Listen to your dh its his buggy too technically😀

Motoko · 30/05/2018 00:13

Oh FFS. I'm out.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 30/05/2018 00:52

Why would you do that?!

You’ve just said we’re all right. But you’re going to ignore everyone’s advice.

If you knowingly let people treat you like a doormat what’s the point

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 01:56

Your poor dh. Just tell her he says no if you haven't got the bottle to take the blame. I'm sure he won't mind.

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 30/05/2018 07:07

I get why you’re all annoyed / think I’m a mug.

I think, for me, I need to lend it because that’s who I am, it fits with my values and the friendship we had to help them out. But this has helped me let go of the friendship and accept I will never probably see them (or the buggy) again. So thanks all. Sad but a good life lesson. Next time I would just say no up front. As always, thanks for telling me straight, and for the support.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 30/05/2018 08:47

Bloody fool.

TheViceOfReason · 30/05/2018 09:14

Don't be a door mat.

Just say "sorry, i don't like lending x out so can't help you."

3333hh44 · 30/05/2018 09:16

So it's all about you and your need to feel whatever? What about your dh? You are plainly and clearly showing him you don't give a damn about his feelings.

It's his buggy too. You have no right to lend it out if he doesn't wasn't to.

More fool you for doing it and more fool him if he lets you.

LexieLulu · 30/05/2018 09:22

Why would you make his thread? As you've ignored ALL advice and gave her the buggy anyway!!

Foslady · 30/05/2018 09:24

If you want to get out of it tell her you’ve got it out and it’s damaged so can’t be lent

PintOfMineralWater · 30/05/2018 09:30

You sound like such a martyr! The values thing is bunk, sorry. She doesn't feel the same way so it's a completely empty (and expensive) gesture. I'd be so annoyed if I was your DH!

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