Is this CF-ery or am I being ungrateful?

[Parentingissotough]

I’ll try and keep this brief.

I had a horrendous delivery - they’ve turned it into a compulsory lecture for all Mentors and Third Years in my region, so, yeah, it was pretty bad. As a result I was really unwell physically for a long time after the delivery, and struggled emotionally as my DH couldn’t cope and withdrew from me and DS. As a result it would be fair to say that I was not the life and soul of the party for a while afterwards, complicated by my DS being unwell. So I didn’t see many people for a few months after he was born. When I did I tried to be upbeat but realistically I definitely talked about my issues. One of my NCT friends and I used to hang out a few times a week as we went to the same groups so she definitely helped me out by listening on more than one occasion.

Fast forward and I haven’t seen her since I went back to work nearly a year ago. When I suggested things I didnt get an answer, which is fine, I’m in a much better place so can see I must have been boring to be around and don’t blame her at all for withdrawing. I also think her husband didn’t think my DH and I were ‘worthy’ when we all had dinner together at our house. We’re civil servants in our thirties in a 3 bed detached - I get we might be seen as a bit magnolia.

However, I’ve had a few out of the blue requests recently, nothing major, just questions about nursery policy as our DC are at the same nursery etc. Now I’ve had a request to borrow a fairly expensive piece of kit. Again, out of the blue, not too many niceties. Am I being mean / ungrateful to be reticent to hand it over? I’m just not sure I’ll see it again. But then maybe I’m being really, really mean.

Help me out mumsnet.

I think that you should definitely say 'NO'.
Make whatever excuse you like, she is a CF.

Is there a chance she didn't reply because she was going through a stressful time and you didn't know it? I would not give up on her yet - that said - an expensive bit of kit is an expensive bit of kit - if you are anxious about it don't lend it out.

she's been blatantly ignoring you and is now only contacting you when she wants something from you............you're being used

don't be a doormat, she isn't your 'friend' or someone you can trust-so don't lend her your dc expensive stuff......just ignore her.

So, for th sorry most part, she’s not a CF and I do owe her something, but no necessarily what she’s asking for, particularly if there’s no attempt at re-kindling the friendship attached. Which there isn’t. Helpful. Thank you. Still not sure what to do, but good to get different perspectives.

I have a problem with people getting in touch because they want something from you.
It doesn't sound like others do though, so maybe I'm wrong.

I'd lend things to people I'm close to, the ones who do keep in touch, even a text to say hi.
I'd keep the door open for friendship, maybe respond asking how she is and suggesting a catch up.
Don't mention her borrowing anything and see what she says.

she’s not a CF and I do owe her something

I'm really confused now OP

what do you owe her for ignoring you ?

Gemini- she thinks she owes her something for being a shoulder to cry on in the past.

Op- I don't reckon you do. Sounds like you went to hell and back and while I totally understand you feeling the need to reciprocate, you've offered a couple of times and she hasn't replied, so you're not obliged to lend her the thing. You could say no (make a polite excuse) but then offer to meet up fir coffee or something (as suggested by pps) to see if there is a friendship worth salvaging.

Friends listen to each other and help each other out when they go through a rough patch so I don't think you "owe" her.

Re lending something whether you're still friendly is irrelevant. only lend it to her if you don't mind running the risk of not getting it back / it coming back damaged.

Have you thought maybe she’s going through a hard time now? I’m not saying she is. But maybe she needed to withdraw for some reason. Or perhaps she was relieved when you got better and went back to work and needed to regroup. I wouldn’t necessarily write the friendship off.

The big question I have is is the thing she wants you to lend her easily breakable? If it isn’t, I’d probably lend it and take it from there. If she continues in the same vein, that’s fine, you know the friendship is done. Don’t assume what her dh was thinking. He may have been having a bad bout of constipation for all you know.

Do you want to re-kindle the friendship? If so, suggest coffee and you'll bring the item.

If she just wants the item, remember the 'Never prioritise those for whom you are merely an option'

ie., sod off.

"not anti-social enough to prevent asking and use a very expensive piece of equipment though right hmm"

I thought it was the friend that asked to borrow the thing, not the husband?

I love it when you quote someone and their smiley becomes a snidey.

Say no to the loan then see if she gets in touch about meeting up or having a proper chat and see how you feel.

So they didn't make contact and that was wrong, now they have and that is wrong.

Its wrong to ignore normal requests to socialise together then ask for favours yes. Either you want to phase out the friendship, in which case you don't get the benefit of borrowing stuff or you're still friends in which case you reply to suggestions to meet up (even if it's to say you're busy but how about we get a coffee on X date).

I wouldn't want to lend something expensive to someone who was flakey with responding to me.

Thanks again everyone. I don’t think I’ll lend it to her. It’s an all terrain pushchair for those that are interested. Might be outing but it doesn’t really matter. It’s pretty expensive and we might want it again (use it for holidays). Really appreciate the input.

Something like a pushchair, I’d be keeping until my own DC wouldn’t need it anymore.

Why does their DC need an all terrain pushchair as nursery kit? Did she need it for s one-off or for a while? I don't understand why they'd borrow something if they'd need it for a while, especially as they clearly aren't your friends and in regular contact anymore.

Wise decision OP. Could you reply, telling her where you got it from etc., if it makes you feel better ?

You don't owe anyone for their support. It is given out of friendship. Friendships do change and wane. You can decide if the current situation warrants risking an item of value. Neither of you has to be in the wrong. Sometimes we make friends that suit a moment in your life but perhaps aren't someone we'd be close to in our everyday life.

Don't lend the pushchair, especially as you still use it occasionally. A sunny 'Hi - We still use it, so can't help. It's good to hear from you. Would you like to meet up for a coffee'?'

I suspect you won't hear from her again.

Thanks everyone. They want to borrow it for a walking holiday; saves them renting / buying one I guess. Not really sure how to say no so offered a meet up as an opener and surprise surprise, no answer. Won’t lie, my feelings are a bit hurt. More fool me I guess.

When I have a bad patch of MH issues I don’t respond to texts or community well. It can go on for months. I wouldn’t necessarily feel I could address to someone who didn’t know what was going on either at a later date despite the guilt.

It’s just one view though, obvs. There are many other reasons why she’s been quiet.

Pretty easy to reply to that I think... Heh, lovely to hear from you after so long, I hope you and your family are well. I am afraid, we do use our buggy from time to time so would not be able to lend it to you.

I wouldn't lend it to this 'friend'. Tell her you have several weekend trips planned so will be needing it yourself.

Parentingissotough have they read it? Also they may not reply straight away. If they haven’t replied by this evening then I guess you have some kind of answer but you don’t know if it’s bevause they aren’t keen on you or are going through something and don’t want to see people. But then maybe that’s irrelevant and you are moving on from this friendship anyway.