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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this CF-ery or am I being ungrateful?

154 replies

Parentingissotough · 26/05/2018 16:32

I’ll try and keep this brief.

I had a horrendous delivery - they’ve turned it into a compulsory lecture for all Mentors and Third Years in my region, so, yeah, it was pretty bad. As a result I was really unwell physically for a long time after the delivery, and struggled emotionally as my DH couldn’t cope and withdrew from me and DS. As a result it would be fair to say that I was not the life and soul of the party for a while afterwards, complicated by my DS being unwell. So I didn’t see many people for a few months after he was born. When I did I tried to be upbeat but realistically I definitely talked about my issues. One of my NCT friends and I used to hang out a few times a week as we went to the same groups so she definitely helped me out by listening on more than one occasion.

Fast forward and I haven’t seen her since I went back to work nearly a year ago. When I suggested things I didnt get an answer, which is fine, I’m in a much better place so can see I must have been boring to be around and don’t blame her at all for withdrawing. I also think her husband didn’t think my DH and I were ‘worthy’ when we all had dinner together at our house. We’re civil servants in our thirties in a 3 bed detached - I get we might be seen as a bit magnolia.

However, I’ve had a few out of the blue requests recently, nothing major, just questions about nursery policy as our DC are at the same nursery etc. Now I’ve had a request to borrow a fairly expensive piece of kit. Again, out of the blue, not too many niceties. Am I being mean / ungrateful to be reticent to hand it over? I’m just not sure I’ll see it again. But then maybe I’m being really, really mean.

Help me out mumsnet.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 27/05/2018 10:13

I wouldn’t lend something to someone who had recently gone silent. Not because I was angry, but because they may go silent again and not return your item.

Say you’re still using it or something, you don’t owe her anything

Motoko · 27/05/2018 10:38

As pps have already said, just say you're using it. It's not difficult.

But regarding her not replying, she might not have seen the text yet, so give it until this evening before writing her off.

It does sound though, as if she's only got in touch because she wants to borrow the pushchair.

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 27/05/2018 10:43

She’s seen it and replied to another part of the message. Just not meeting up. Guess that’s that then.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/05/2018 10:45

I imagine it does sting a bit OP, but you're wiser now, and can rest easy.🌸

3333hh44 · 27/05/2018 10:47

You don't owe her anything. That's what friends are for. She dropped the friendship not you.
Don't lend her it. Presumably the dc is older now and more likely to spill stuff over it/damage it. It's not on to be used like that.
Or
Perhaps tell her you've lent it to someone else so you can't lend it to her, suggest meeting up anyway and if the friendship seems to be reignited then reconsider nearer the time.

3333hh44 · 27/05/2018 10:50

Oops seems like got the answer. How sad.
Glad you are in a better place though.

dinosaurkisses · 27/05/2018 10:53

On the plus side OP, it sounds like you handled it quite well.

You now know exactly where you stand, having not had the hassle of lending out the pushchair/ wondering if or when you'll get it back and not having to have had a row or awkward conversation.

Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 11:50

I'm glad you're finally seeing this for what it is OP... she's a USER Flowers

SandAndSea · 27/05/2018 12:17

I'd be tempted to reply, "I'm getting the sense that, whilst you'd like to borrow my stuff, you don't really want to see me anymore. Is that right?"

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 27/05/2018 13:06

@sandandsea I wish I had your balls!

OP posts:
EveningHare · 27/05/2018 13:09

Parentingissotough
Do it, you have nothing to lose...

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 27/05/2018 13:25

Ah I was still catching up when I read your updates. Sorry op Flowers yes she is a cf for just getting in contact to borrow expensive stuff off you.

You sound lovely. And I’m sorry you had a horrible delivery. But you don’t owe her anything. She was there for you. You drifted apart (as many many nct friends do when you go back to work) and now she’s not interested in you - only in your stuff.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 27/05/2018 13:44

Go on, send Sandandsea's text. What's the worst that could happen?

And you'll feel so assertive afterwards.

SandAndSea · 27/05/2018 13:44

@Parentingissotough - I know it's easy for me to say. What have you got to lose though? Maybe we could rephrase it...?

"I've got to be honest. I'm getting the strong impression that you don't actually want to see me anymore, so I feel a bit funny about lending stuff to you when you don't seem to want to know me anymore.

SandAndSea · 27/05/2018 13:45

Urghh! Pressed too soon. Pls ignore.

3333hh44 · 27/05/2018 13:46

That's great wording or you could just take the high road, say nothing, chalk it up to experience and move on. Neither approach is wrong.

SandAndSea · 27/05/2018 13:52

How about this:

"I've got to be honest, I'm getting the strong impression that you don't want to see me anymore so, lending you such an expensive item feels a bit off to me. Sorry."

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 27/05/2018 14:01

Thanks everyone, you’re all being so amazingly lovely and helpful. I know I’m a doormat but I’ll probably let her borrow it in the end because it’ll help her out. I realise this makes me a mug. And also makes my DH very cross about people taking advantage. But I’ll feel bad if I don’t. And a mug if I do. Yay!

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 27/05/2018 14:01

How about...

Thanks for getting in touch with me after such a long time. I did wonder how you were and it was lovely to hear from you. However if I'm honest it seems a bit off to just get in touch with me now when all you seem to want is to borrow my pushchair and you don't seem interested in pursuing a friendship so I'm afraid it's a no from me. Hope you find a good alternative and enjoy your holiday.

Then block her.

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 27/05/2018 14:02

Thank you for the help on the wording @sandandsea and for the kind words @aaaaarrghhhhelpme

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 27/05/2018 14:03

Shes not your friend OP!

She just wants to borrow your pushchair. Please don't do it.

What if it comes back in a bad state or you never get it back. She is taking the puss.

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 27/05/2018 14:03

That made me smile @bringacksideburns Grin

OP posts:
bringbacksideburns · 27/05/2018 14:03

Piss not puss Grin

Original poster
Parentingissotough · 27/05/2018 14:04

Cross post - although the taking the puss also made me laugh. excellent typo.

OP posts:
3333hh44 · 27/05/2018 14:09

Ok, I get not wanting to confront her as such, but please, please don't lend her the damn buggy.