Is this CF-ery or am I being ungrateful?

[Parentingissotough]

I’ll try and keep this brief.

I had a horrendous delivery - they’ve turned it into a compulsory lecture for all Mentors and Third Years in my region, so, yeah, it was pretty bad. As a result I was really unwell physically for a long time after the delivery, and struggled emotionally as my DH couldn’t cope and withdrew from me and DS. As a result it would be fair to say that I was not the life and soul of the party for a while afterwards, complicated by my DS being unwell. So I didn’t see many people for a few months after he was born. When I did I tried to be upbeat but realistically I definitely talked about my issues. One of my NCT friends and I used to hang out a few times a week as we went to the same groups so she definitely helped me out by listening on more than one occasion.

Fast forward and I haven’t seen her since I went back to work nearly a year ago. When I suggested things I didnt get an answer, which is fine, I’m in a much better place so can see I must have been boring to be around and don’t blame her at all for withdrawing. I also think her husband didn’t think my DH and I were ‘worthy’ when we all had dinner together at our house. We’re civil servants in our thirties in a 3 bed detached - I get we might be seen as a bit magnolia.

However, I’ve had a few out of the blue requests recently, nothing major, just questions about nursery policy as our DC are at the same nursery etc. Now I’ve had a request to borrow a fairly expensive piece of kit. Again, out of the blue, not too many niceties. Am I being mean / ungrateful to be reticent to hand it over? I’m just not sure I’ll see it again. But then maybe I’m being really, really mean.

Help me out mumsnet.

I like @bringbacksideburns 's wording. I would just tweak it a bit:

Thanks for getting in touch with me after such a long time. I did wonder how you were and it was lovely to hear from you. However, if I'm honest it seems a bit off to just get in touch with me now when all you seem to want is to borrow my pushchair. You don't seem interested in pursuing a friendship, so I'm afraid it's a no from me. Hope you find a good alternative and enjoy your holiday.

you know what?
Saying NO is the first step in regaining your confidence
and saying NO is also the first step in getting respect from the cheeky fuckers
and saying NO is the first step in getting the self respect and big ass lady balls to keep saying no to people who just want to use you

Get your big ass lady balls out and just say NO!
scary at first and very liberating once you get it done!
and it gets way easier each time you say it

@shakingmyhead1 I love the idea of big ass lady balls. Brilliant!

Don't lend her the pushchair!!!
Get dh to put a padlock on it and not tell you the combo, or put it somewhere you can get it from!!!

That’s a shame she decided to ignore her messages to meet up. It now basically means the friendship is done.

Please don’t lend her the pushchair. Odds on you’ll never get it back. Can you afford to give it away?

Do not lend her the pushchair just reply sorry but no. I doubt you would get it back from her.

If you've already said yes to lending her the pushchair, before she ignored your suggestion to meet up, you could now say, 'DH has just reminded me that we're lending it to someone else, so can't help after all. Sorry!'

Guaranteed, you'll never hear from her again.

So, you'd rather make the person you're living with, and love, angry, than say no to lending the buggy to someone who hasn't bothered to keep in touch with you, and who you'll probably never see again?

That's not being a mug, that's sheer stupidity. Listen to your husband. Or does his opinion not count?

Give her a shock, show her you're not a doormat, to be walked on, say NO, it's only once to be said.
Your DH will think you're amazing ! 😄🌸

I wouldn't be assertive enough to send some of the suggested texts either OP . In your shoes i'd probably make an excuse not to lend it, or i'd lend it but with a strict proviso that i needed it back by such-a-date due to the made up event we are attending.

But I’ll feel bad if I don’t. And a mug if I do.

Well, if you’re going to feel bad whatever you do, you might as well keep the pushchair.
That way there’s no need to worry about not getting it back, and your DH won’t get cross about people taking advantage. Surely his happiness and his opinion should count for more than that of a “friend” who’s ignoring you unless they want to borrow your stuff?

Plus I bet this friend has a plan B for if you won’t lend the pushchair. For all she knew when she originally asked, you might have given it away or sold it months ago.

And while I wouldn’t send any of the suggested texts along the lines of “I’m not lending it to you because I don’t think you want to be my friend”, I’d have absolutely no problem with texting something like “no, we’ll be using our pushchair ourselves, have a nice holiday”

@motoko that is a really good point. It has given me pause.

Will you actually get it back?

Why woukd you lend her something like that when she cant be bothered with you? She would be ghosting you if you stopped lending to her. Some people are just takers.

No im afraid we still use it. Have a nice holiday.

@hushabyemountaingoat that’s probably what I’ll end up doing but @sugarpiehoneyeye, you’re right, of course.

OP, I'm sorry if it sounded harsh, but that's what it boils down to.

Just tell her that you're using it. It's not as if you've got to tell her to her face, the advantage of text messages is that it's easier to say things that you might find difficult saying in person.

I agree with pp who said don't p off your partner for someone who doesn't matter. Just say its being used, it sent available. She doesn't need to know who's using it ;-)

OP just bloody block her... she'll be asking for a kidney next.. what then

Motoko is right, you know, OP. If you lend it then you're prioritising the wrong person (and I say that as someone who routinely doesn't consult her DH)!

I'm sorry she has turned out to be less of a friend than you deserve

Why do you want to help her out though? She's not your friend. Do you usually help people who hurt you?
I don't lend nice stuff to anyone anymore. I've found most people just don't take care of other peoples stuff and I'm sick of having things wrecked. Only lend things you don't care about getting back/getting back in the same condition.

It would be a no from me too to lend out the pushchair. I only lend stuff to family or close friends and this woman seems to look down on you and consider you are not worthy to be her friend. I think you also sound as if you need some self confidence. Did you receive any counselling for yourself or DH after your traumatic delivery?

If you really feel you cannot tell the truth then just say you will be needing it yourself. Personally I would have no problem in saying I was reluctant to lend it out to anyone who is not a close friend. Let her read into that what she will.

If she's only asking you as she knows you'll say yes, then you're only cementing your doormat status in her eyes.

Why would you do that to yourself?

I feel like you're going to lend it to her with the hopes it will rekindle a friendship- but in all likelihood you'll end up with lots of wear and tear on an expensive pram at the hands of someone who hasn't given a crap for a year.

Why would you keep jumping oceans for Somone who wouldn't jump a puddle for you.

You're clearly a convenience for them.

I would listen to your OH and start to value yourself a bit higher!!!

*someone

Agree that your husband's opinion matters more than an exfriend.
Also if your not brave enough to say no and lend it to her how will you deal with it when it doesn't get returned.
Just say sorry but we still use it and block her.This is not a real friendship.