To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

[Luckything50]

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

nostaples may be you should read the link Harmless Chap has provided? in that link it clearly states that it is an Offensive for ANYONE to have sex with someone under 16 so I take that to mean they are both breaking the law as they are both have sex with someone under 16 ? However it also states that police and CPS would not be seeking to prosecute if they are both under 16.

offense *

or offence even!

I am super interested in the comments about invasion of privacy.
Teens are well know for sexting and getting themselves in bullying situations. At 14 they need protecting from themselves and nasty porn.
I don’t understand the privacy thing at all. As long as they are aware you can read the messages.
This is what friends of teens do. Surely it is healthier than finding out they have posted pics of themselves and all sorts later?

I'm not arguing about the fact being pregnant or contracting an STI at such a young age would be awful.

What I'm pointing out is that most teenagers will go ahead REGARDLESS. Sex is much more natural than taking drugs. Unfortunately even at such a young age. I'm not saying we should encourage it or agree. But we need our children to know we are there for then and we are approachable should they go ahead and make the decision to have sex against our advice.

I mention being 16 during the situation I wrote about but I was younger when I lost my virginity. Do I regret it? Not really. I don't even think about it to be honest. Would my mum banning me from having sex have stopped me? Hell no. Not at that age.

For the record I am not agreeing with children having sex at such a young age. I just think parents need to be delicate about the situation and understand that sometimes it can turn out worse to be totally 'against' your child in this situation and refuse to facilitate a healthy conversation about something which is natural and let them know that whilst you don't agree and think they should wait they can come to you IF they decide to go ahead anyway.

nostaples

You understand it incorrectly.

Barrister? I do suppose

Biologifemini

The point (for me) isn't that it isn't okay to invade the privacy of a 14 year old. The point is that it isn't okay to invade the privacy of someone who is old enough to be sexually active, and that of his partner. Ergo, they're not old enough to be sexually active, because a responsible parent would still be policing the chat of someone of that age...because they are still children. Children shouldn't be having sex

How would you feel if it was your daughter and her son and she’d known but not told you? If your daughter came crying to you because she regretted it, or the condom had burst, or they’d split up or he’d told people at school, or she found it painful?

I do think having a conversation with the girls mother might be the right way to go though. That way she also has the opportunity to discuss the subject with her child as you have with your son.

There is no defense because a girl under the age of 16 cannot have given consent according to the law, even if she has actually said yes.

have you read the link provided nostaples ? where it says it is an offence for anyone to have sex with someone under 16 male e female, but that if they are two under age teenagers of similar ages the police and CPS would not be seeking to prosecute?

Have a chat with them about delay even though it's unlikely to stop them I don't think sex at 14 is going to be that great especially for her so if they can wait a while. Even a very mature 14 year old is still technically a child and may regret losing her virginity so young.

-----

Agree with the above. They'll have much more fun just making out and messing around - what's wrong with that? The actual act of intercourse is likely to be something of a damp squib at that age . Why not wait til they are a bit older and see if the relationship progresses?

At such a tender age it would be a shame to be worrying about unwanted pregnancy and STDs.

Surely better to take things slowly, enjoy long make-out sessions and look forward to being a bit older when they can move onto the more heavy stuff?

I get that they are both curious and they probably want to feel 'grown up' and all that but I think 14 is too young for a full sexual relationship. The definition of sex, in any case, is very broad and includes a great deal of activity which is short of intercourse so I would have thought there was plenty to keep them going when lust is high.

That said, if they are going to do it anyway then it is really important that they are both responsible about birth control so that is a conversation that needs to be had.

I remember when two of my children were about 12 and 14 the older sister of one of their friends had just had a baby at 16. The boyfriend did a runner. There was much discussion among my two about how the girl's' parents 'should' step in and bring up the baby. The parents (perhaps to teach her a lesson) were threatening to put the baby up for adoption. I think in the end they did step in - probably just wanted to make a stand first - but the point was it was far too late for that kind of discussion. And boyfriend disappeared into the hills although I suppose that child support does apply to under-age parents too?

I also made it quite clear to my children that they couldn't necessarily expect me or their father to step in and bring up any children that they had, should they accidentally get pregnant. They had to take some responsibility themselves. This is presumably why the law states 16 for consent.

Therein lies the problem with children under 16 having sexual intercourse. They are not yet adults so their parents are still responsible for them. I think that if you are the parent of children under 16 who are engaging in sexual intercourse you have to be able to have a discussion along these lines with your children. At such a young age, how can they possibly be able to take responsibility for the consequences?

I'm glad it was a conversation I had with mine - it gave them something to think about when I made it clear that it was not necessarily reasonable to expect the parents to step in and bring up the child. I think there had also been discussions about termination but that had not been acceptable for the girl. Again, it was too late for that discussion as well.

I think it's a shame that at such a young age teenagers are having to grapple with what should really be adult dilemmas. Why not just enjoy teenage crushes with making out and having fun?

I wouldn’t tell her Mum. They are going to do it if they want to regardless of conversations. Kids can’t be scared into not having sex, they just end up having sex in stupid places and turn into sneaky buggers to hide it all. (speaking from experience) they’ve talked about it, he knows about condoms, she’s getting the pill.. I would leave them to it and if you want to speak to anyone, speak to his girlfriend and let her know she can talk to you if she can’t her own Mum and warn her not to feel pressure etc.
14 year olds do have sex, it is not uncommon. My sister recently stayed over with a friend of hers, the friends Mum wanted to speak to me to confirm her DD was here which I happily did but showed the mother still saw her as a baby. I later heard them talking about people the friend had slept with and all sorts. I think Parents are really out of touch these days

I'm loving the interaction between some posters.

A solicitor arguing with a police officer (if I remember correctly nicknacky) is an officer.

kung Yes you are correct. and I'm not saying that because I'm a cop I'm always right and I will usually bow to the lawyers on here's usually superior knowledge but this is the one occasion that a person claiming to be a barrister was mistaken and couldn't admit they had made an error.

There is no defense because a girl under the age of 16 cannot have given consent according to the law, even if she has actually said yes.

Why just the girl?

You sound like a great teenage boy parent, I hope I have the same open relationship with my son. I think it’s a bit weird to tell her mum (I do think it’s a bit weird to read their private messages) but you could have a conversation along the lines of ‘as ds and your daughter seem to be fairly committed and keen on each other I’ve had a talk with him about sex and contraception, wondering if you’ve done the same’.

Dotty I do understand and agree with some of your points, but I disagree that all teenagers would go ahead regardless. I was under immense pressure from my first boyfriend to have sex , looking back I think it was essentially grooming as he was mid 20s ( I was 17, but started puberty v late ). I didnt cave in, partly because I felt I was too young, but partly because I knew it would really upset my parents if they knew, or if I got pregnant . I would not have had an abortion , so I knew pregnancy would mean a baby. It might sound unbelievable but I did trust my Mum and Dad and cared about their opinions. My dad was very rational and kind, I knew that they were sensible, and I knew that I was too young and I didn’t want the pressure of a sexual relationship while I was doing my A levels . (I’m not saying all 17 year olds are too young, just speaking personally ). There is no way that 14 is old enough for sex, and I hope that my daughters also listen to DH and I and realise that what we say has their best interests at heart. Ultimately I had the sense to realise that my parents loved me far more than my boyfriend, and that they cared far more about my welfare.

So Nonaples what about oral sex or gay teens?

SirVix I appreciate you sharing your experience and I too understand what you are saying.

I just think it would be very naive for all parents to assume that their teenager would act with the same respect for their opinions as you did. Also, I don't think there is any possible way to physically stop it from happening. You cannot police your child in the sense that they are unable to leave the house because you've realised they have started to become curious about sex.

Of course advise of the reasons why you don't think they should go ahead i.e. pregnancy, STIs, legalities, and just a general sense of being emotionally to young to deal with a sexual relationship but whatever you do DO NOT make your child feel they cannot come to you if they do go ahead anyway and make sure they are fully equipped with the knowledge of how to practice safe sex IF they choose to go against the advice you've given. Surely that is just good parenting??

Yes, I agree with you there. I do very much hope my daughters feel they can talk to us, even if/when they do things we disagree with. I suppose if it was a sex at 14 issue though, I would do everything I could to prevent that happening. I am an older mother, there is no way any of my friends parents would have been relaxed about sex at 14. We would have been grounded for a start.

I think some people on here need to take a look in the mirror and repeat “I am a parent” until they have grasped that they are responsible for a child. Going with the flow/you know what kids are like/they’ll do it anyway is abdicating responsibility at best, and at worst it’s passively encouraging any activity.

Being a parent is sometimes bloody hard work and unfortunately you occasionally have to be the bad guy. Your dcs will thank you for it in the end. Looking back will they really have much respect for the “parent” dishing out condoms and thinking sex between 14-year-olds is normal?

So how do you plan to prevent your teenager having sex?

I don't think anyone thinks it's ok that two 14 year olds want to have sex Irma but it does happen surely it's better that if it does happen they are safe and protected?

In the words of Grange Hill, “Just say no” ...

My dc would go to school, they would return home, they would go to school... I would storm round to the intended’s house and tell their parents to keep their dc under lock and key too.

Yes, hard, but necessary. I’d also tell them that they were being foolish, risking pregnancy (or a pregnant girlfriend and a lifetime’s unwanted responsibility), disease and a string of crap GCSEs.