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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell this woman her 14yo dd is going to have sex?

412 replies

Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 09:42

Advice pls wise ones. My 14 (nearly 15 if that matters) ds and his lovely gf are planning to have sex. Much discussion going on over instagram (I have access to his account) she's about to get the pill next month and asking him if he wants to... he's saying yes but thinking about risks... so what, if anything, do I do? Have chatted about condoms (he said he was going to be sick having that conversation 😂) but should I be asking them not to, and should I mention it to her mum? We're not friends but she's messaged me in the past about them facetiming at 4 in the morning and seems cool, has a job where she meets lots of teens. I also have a 12 yo dd and would like to know. What the consensus?

OP posts:
MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nicknacky · 26/05/2018 19:41

So you can't post a link to that legislation? I understand the legislation very well which is why I'm so confused by your insistence that the ops son would have no defence at all to a rape allegation.

x2boys · 26/05/2018 19:42

but they. are both under the age of consent so why can he be prosecuted but not her?

MyLearnedFriend · 26/05/2018 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

titchy · 26/05/2018 19:51

Why do you think a 14 yo cannot consent? Confused

Nicknacky · 26/05/2018 19:51

Good becuase you are wrong and won’t admit to it. He would have no defence if she was under 13 due to that young age, but not at the age that we are discussing.

I’m appailed that someone would claim to be a legal professional and state that a male would have no defence at all.

BlueBug45 · 26/05/2018 19:58

OP if you go directly to the gf's mother your son will hide what he's doing from your forever, and he could do much worse things as he gets older. Also having talked to GPs about it socially while you can discourage young people they will just do it anyway so you better prepare them as much as possible. In fact I had friends' who were dragged to FP clinics as teenagers as soon as their mothers suspected anything.

Just have proper conversations with your son about consent on both sides, respect, contraception -including when the pill doesn't work - and STIs. Plus make sure he knows where all the local family planning clinics are for young people and how to find out when they are open.

rainbowdashflip · 26/05/2018 19:58

It's not his age that is relevant, it's hers. The age of criminal responsibility is 10. The age of consent is 16.

Can you explain this? Why is his age not relevant?

Buster72 · 26/05/2018 20:04

This person purports to be a barrister but has no idea what a caution is. They display a lack of knowledge over police procedure. This would not pass muster for a police arrest. The custody sergeant would tear the arse off any cop who bought this into a custody suite.

Original poster
Luckything50 · 26/05/2018 20:37

Good parent, bad parent...? I'm trying to be the best I can be. Not a friend, definitely a mum, but a mum that a boy/young man can talk to. I don't think of him as a child because he isn't, nor is he an adult. He's learning and exploring and so is his gf. They have a great relationship and I'm lucky that I have an input in his life because I know of many parents who don't know their teens at all. Thanks for your views, even those who think I'm abusive 🙄

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 26/05/2018 20:46

Does the GF know you are reading her conversations, OP?

fizzthecat1 · 26/05/2018 21:09

Yes but WHY do you think it's ok to read his PRIVATE messages?! He would be mortified and they are completely private!! It's disgusting and controlling.

laurG · 26/05/2018 21:18

Yes you need to tell her immediately ! If they do it your son could be in a lot of trouble. Remember she’s underage. It won’t look good on you if you KNEW they were about to do it and let it happen.

Nicknacky · 26/05/2018 21:22

laurG You might be best reading the thread as the law has been outlined repeatedly.

rainbowdashflip · 26/05/2018 22:00

This person purports to be a barrister but has no idea what a caution is.

Im just surprised a barrister thinks the law is only there to protect females.

Dottydolly1 · 26/05/2018 22:15

Going a few pages back here but how can you compare a teenager curious about sex with them taking drugs?!

Of course neither is something we want our children to be involved in but let's face it... Sex is a natural thing and yes as unpleasant as it is for a parent, it is natural for teenagers to be curious about it. Drugs are an entirely different ball game. You can't even compare the two.

We've all been teenagers. We've all thought our parents know nothing and are just out to ruin our time. Surely it's better to ensure your child knows exactly how to be safe in a situation they are undoubtedly going to experience at some point.

My mother I feel dealt with it brilliantly. She was approachable and only wanted me to be safe and make sure I was making the right choices whether she was particularly over the moon about them or not.

She was the first person I called when I had a 'scare' and the condom broke at 16 and she helped me and told me what to do and how to deal with it. I'm sure it wasn't a situation she particularly wanted to be discussing with her daughter but she made sure I knew I could come to her.

As I said my dad was the total opposite and I would never have dreamed of contacting him in that situation. Had it not been for my mum I would have been left to deal with it alone.

Tell me... Which situation is better and safer do you think?

Pansy0926 · 26/05/2018 22:51

Em...first off, it’s a huge breach of trust that you are spying on your sons social media. If he found out I wouldn’t be surprised if he lost all trust in you. To tell the girls mum....it would be even worse and if I was her mum I’d be at least a little uncomfortable that you are privy to two young people’s private conversations without their permission. I know for a fact my own mum would tell me to watch out because someone is spying on our conversations. So it would potentially wreck your relationship with your son.

Second, sounds like he and the girl are being incredibly responsible and are to be applauded. For a start they are actually planning this and not just getting carried away at a party or after a date. Honestly, I’d give yourself a pat on the back for raising such a responsible boy and step back. It’s not illegal if they are BOTH underage, and as long as you have had the ‘talk’ with him, I see no problem. Anyone on here who thinks they can tell their teenagers not to have sex and have them actually refrain is seriously deluded.

Ariela · 26/05/2018 22:55

I would send this to your son to watch:

SirVixofVixHall · 26/05/2018 23:40

Dotty that was me. And no I don’t think that having sex as a child is a “natural thing”, and I think the comparison with trying drugs is reasonable. Ok drugs are illegal full stop, but sex AT FOURTEEN is illegal. Trying a drug might not result in any long term consequences at all, trying sex ditto. But both put children at risk of long term harm . Getting pregnant at fourteen is a disaster, there is no positive spin to put on that, your body isn’t even fully grown. Getting a sexual infection while still a child is pretty grim too. You mention being sixteen, that is young to be having sex but it is legal, and some girls will be more mature than others at sixteen, and able to take responsibility. There is a huge difference between that and fourteen. I have a teenage daughter, I am not clueless about 14 year olds. My daughter’s friends are all 14.

BakedBeans47 · 26/05/2018 23:52

*It sounds like you have been far too liberal with your DS to me. You should be telling him very clearly that they are below the age of consent, what they are planning isn't legal and yes, you are telling her mum.

The part of your OP where you use a laughing emoji is the part that I find strange. This isn't funny. They are too young.*

This.

I am horrified by your attitude to this. He’s 14 FFS! He’s not old enough to have sex. And yes I’d tell the girl’s mum.

nostaples · 27/05/2018 07:04

Oh dear, can't believe that some people are not understanding the law even when a criminal barrister explains it to them.

As I understand it the age of consent is 16 so even when the girl has consented in fact, ie she has said yes, legally she can't have given consent because she is not of age to do so.

It is the boy who is considered to break the law as he physically penetrates her. Therefore according to the law any act of penetration where the girl is under 16 could in theory be prosecuted (even though this probably never happens any more unless there are extenuating circumstances e.g. she says there was coercion etc).

Think that is right? @MyLearnedFriend

Think @MyLearnedFriend is right that you should know the legal situation but still think other factors, physical and psychological, are more important here.

Nicknacky · 27/05/2018 07:10

You are miss understanding. They would both be committing an offence if under 16 and the male would be no more at fault than the female.

The “barrister” is saying that a male would have NO defence at all to a allegation of rape if the female is under 16. That’s incorrect and despoute repeated requests cannot provide any link to the legislation that says that.

ferntwist · 27/05/2018 07:17

You should absolutely talk to her mother. 14 is far too young to have sex and puts her at risk of all sorts of emotional and medical issues.

BlueBug45 · 27/05/2018 07:26

@Thirtyrocks39 there have always been 12 year olds having sex. I remember having discussions on when people lost their virginity and as boys as girls admitted they lost it before 16, and those growing up in the most boring places seemed to lose it the earliest. One guy admitted to losing it before secondary school.