AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

Because I cannot see any reason whatsoever for entering into such a housing arrangement with in laws unless it is financially preferential.

If it's not financially preferential, I suggest you get out of it immediately and buy a place from a mortgage lender. Because it will simplify things greatly, wrt your MIL changing your 'tenancy agreement' and insisting on 'quarterly inspections'.

"DMM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house"

This gave me the strong impression that you're not paying interest on this loan. If that is wrong, I apologise. But if it's right, then you are basically getting a very cheap deal on your house, and the price of doing that with someone who is quite emotionally unstable (witness the screaming etc) is that they can make bonkers and random decisions about your 'rights'. Which is where the 'pay your way, have your freedom' idea comes in.

pigmcpigface - it is entirely possible that OP didn't realise that her family was this dysfunctional!

With regard to the house set up vs paying her way:

1. There is a legal agreement in place
2. OP is, presumably, meeting the terms of that agreement and is there for paying her way.

Perhaps the set up was/is financially preferable, it certainly has been for one of my godchildren (I bought her house, she paid me back with no interest - I could afford to buy it outright and she saved thousands). Preferable though does not infer that the beneficiary of that preference is not paying their way - they're just not lining the pockets of the banks!

If you’ve got emotionally abusive parents the best thing you can do is move or if the house they own. Your dm obviously thinks she’s entitled to own your life at the moment because she thinks she’s got a hold over you.
My mum is exactly the same. She leant me some shoes once she’d never worn but had in the back of the cupboard for years then the next week was demanding I gave them back immediately. I said I’ll have to drop them this afternoon because I’m busy in the morning. Ten minutes later I’m getting out the shower and she’s in my house going down my stuff looking for them.
It was me saying wtf here though as I gave her my key for emergencies only, not free access whenever. My m reaction was to grab the shoes shout at me call me a load of names then lists out anything else I may have in my house of hers in a tone insinuating I’ve stolen them (I had one item she’d asked me to take to a repair shop for her). I’ve learned my lesson. Detach detach detach!!!
I have had counselling for my parents attitude towards me and it helped me realise I don’t want to live my life as a ‘child’ of them anymore, either they treat me like an adult or I’m out. They think it’s ok to shout at me still and belittle me. I have tried and tried to stop it and speak reasonably but in the end I had to take a step back. I try to speak to them once a week now tops. Don’t rely on them for anything or you are giving them the power to treat you like shit unfortunately.

Pig Face is right. The reason your mum burst into your house is because she sees it as her house. You are benefitting financially but at what cost emotionally?

With the greatest of respect I am not benefiting financially - but thank you for the presumption

Sounds like Pig Face is blaming the victim here.

Sorry I presumed it was financial but whatever the reason, they are assisting you whether you are buying a house from them or whatever the arrangement, it is quite clear, your mum sees it as ‘hers’ which is the reason she felt entitled to burst into it and demand quarterly inspections.

I don’t think anybody is blaming you at all. Absolutely not in fact. They are simply advising that things would change if you were more detached from the strings your mum is pulling.

Believe it or not she actually burst into a property I once lived in which was privately rented!!!

Obviously no comments regarding tenancy were made tho.

So this wasn’t the first time and she has behaved like this before?

God no!
Has happened a few occasions before but I've always caved and spoken to her before she's contacted me but this time I feel like I can't x

Ah Gracie that is awful. I know how you feel. It is particularly shit to deal with this when you are pregnant. I went (very) low contact when I was treated like that. Now I have kids, even though contact is low, I can see it being repeated towards them so avoid and keep visits brief.. When I am treated badly as an adult, it makes me feel sad for the little girl who put up with it for such a long time while not having the ability to process it. I think I thought it was normal because I didn’t know any better x

Would be a good idea to change the locks. You can get replacement barrels in B&Q, and there are videos on YouTube showing how to do it. You just need a screwdriver.

She sounds a bit like my mum. Is she retired by any chance and used to be active and in a position

Of some control? Mine did and now seems to have to have arguments to bring some I drama back in her life

I have not rtft but how awful for you and your DP bloody hell. I am surprised your DP did not fling her out.

I would look locally for a babysitter and never ask her again. It will be her loss, I would also say ignore her about the house but as she sounds unhinged you will need legal advise or cut your losses until your inheritance . I hope you are feeling better now she is gone x

Change the locks on the house and keep the doors locked so she can no longer waltz on in.

I think she's reacted so badly because she's been caught out, tbh. She did say no and she knows it. She's trying to deflect the blame and embarrassment on to you and your husband and making herself look like a deranged and manipulative woman in doing so. I get the impression she's not the apologising type, too.

I hope things calm down for you, OP.

Changing the locks will make little difference; they don't have a key & we have a pvc front door - which might I add is always open! I hardly ever lock the door during the day unless I'm home alone and that's generally so that when I'm hoovering/pop in the shower nobody can let themselves in and startle me. Our Neighbourhood is a lovely quiet area so I wouldn't want to move x

Time to start locking the door then.

We had to do that when my in laws let themselves in. It's bloody annoying, because we're rural, plus it's the only external door, so if we want to go in the garden, we have to go out that door and walk round to the garden gate.

If she wants to get "official" and go down the landlord route, then you're entitled to "quiet enjoyment" of the property, and she needs to give you 24 hours written (letter or email) notice if she wants to enter the property.

Any news from your parents op!

I hope petrify has come back to this thread and now realised how offensive her comments were. Comments like this sadden me. A mother is someone who loves their child and looks after them when they’re sick, not someone who’s provided dna.

It must have stung when your mum said that about the adoption.

Unfortunately mothers can be cruel. I’m hoping she’s apologised op.

Oh op this sounds dreadful
You mother sounds like she has done serious issues going on. Very unpleasant
I hope the agreement with the house is ok and that it’s not just something she’s doing to control you
Mostly though I think you need to distance yourself she sounds draining and you neee to look after yourself

So if you're not benefitting financially from this, the solution is easy: move! Sell the house. Get out of this arrangement. Get a place that isn't owned by your mother, and over which she has no rights or control. Lock the door when you move in, and don't give her a key. Set some literal boundaries.

I'm absolutely not victim-blaming saying this. I'm not excusing your mother's conduct at all. But if she is the owner of your house, it probably isn't possible to exclude her from entering your premises under every circumstance. I'm trying to suggest that, while your financial and housing circumstances are so entangled with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries, you are going to find it difficult to avoid situations like this, and that the best way forward is to disentangle things so that she is no longer able to see herself as your landlord, or the house as a 'hold she has over you' (words directly from the OP). Nor will she be able to say that she's changing your tenancy agreement, or requiring you to have inspections as an exertion of power over you.

your mum is a nightmare OP. Such a shame you have to deal with this.

Just wanted to comment on her adoption comment, she is completely out of order don't allow her to make you feel differently about your extended family.

I love my aunt's and uncles equally wether blood or marriage, and I love my nephew on dh side as much as my sister's son. If they treat you like family they are family don't allow your mum to suggest any different.

LO has a very important hospital appt today; DH can't make it due to work commitments. Do I phone DM and ask her to come with us? It was always arranged that she would come but obviously I don't want to make presumptions x