AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

It's neither here nor there about the house to be fair because even if you lived at home for your mum to keep screaming when your pregnant and sobbing and she has been asked to stop she is in the wrong! It doesn't matter if she gave you 1 million pounds the minute before she screamed! Money doesn't entitle someone to treat you badly and upset you so much!

I had a flat bought for me, when I offered to buy it off them they backtracked because they liked having control over me.

You have controlling parents unfortunately and will always clash while you do what you want and not what she wants.

I escaped and am nc.

Your mother's angry response was extremely ott and very abusive. She had absolutely no reason to be angry arctic at all and very concerned for you. I think you and your husband need to get some professional advice about the whole situation.

The house situation is very messy as it puts ye totally in their grip. Your dm saying about you being adopted is the most horrible remark thst could come from a dm and anything she would say or do after that wouldn't surprise me. You sound level headed enough so stay like that. Don't engage with them now until they get back to you but don't get into a you said / he said thing as she is not stable. Unfortuntunately because of the house ye cannot cut off completely.
On a side note don't paint at 18 weeks pregnant...l may be over cautious but l wouldn't do it.

Arctic? Have no idea what was auto-corrected there

I do wonder why you didn't just say 'oh fantastic thank you' and go out anyway, even if not to the event. I would be a bit pissed off if I went out of my way to do someone a favour and then they didn't want the favour. Illogical but not uncommon.

It does sound as if there is a whole lot of stuff going on with your parents that you perhaps don't know about. She sounds really fed up with your DF. Of course it's not OK to take it out on you.

I would just let the temperature drop and just speak on the phone for a few weeks.

Ignore vogue. What a silly thing to say. Just because OP has this arrangement on the house, does not excuse her parents behaviour now or in the future. Your parents sound horrible, but make sure you have a contract and legal protection on this deal of owning the house. You DM sounds like she could take this from you if she doesn't get her own way. Very good your DP is standing up for you too.

Meant to say I am very concerned for you.

*So youre an adult woman and your mum gives you free childcare and has organised a situation where you dont meed to come up with a deposit or pay interest rates but will end up owning your owm home?

And you think shes a bad person?*

Erm - she doesn't sound like a nice person.

OP your mum seems to be very controlling and a little bit mad. Your DP has got your back - look after each other and stay strong.

In just wondering if your mum is menopausal and also struggling because you are pregnant.
I remember a couple of really bonkers arguments with my mum, including her screaming that she never wanted to see me again, which is so out of character. I do think the menopause can have horrible side effects, and it's worth considering that as a facto if she's around that age.
I agree that you need to get the paperwork for the house in order, but you'd first step should probably be to wait a few days and then contact her.
She's probably really upset too and may well be really grateful to you.
Maybe speak to your dad in the meantime?

Oh god that sounds insane! Your parents are fucking weird to do that. I would start house hunting sharpish. No one should be allowed to scream and swear at you and get away with it. Such a drama over babysitting!

However, 'falling into DPs arms sobbing' suggests that you're not averse to a bit of drama yourself OP.. .

In your shoes, I would be going through my finances and scrimping every possible penny in order to get a proper mortgage on a different house of your own, then getting the lawyers to help you reclaim your share of the equity in your present house. Once that was done, I’d go no contact with your ghastly, controlling, unreasonable, adopted mother, who doesn’t appear to love you at all.

How often do your parents look after your child? I wonder if it's genuinely getting a bit too much for them. Kids are hard work

Why did she have to ask your dad rather than just saying yes or no herself?

Was he likely to have made plans for them both?

I'm thinking that in future you'll just organise a babysitter!

Glad that the house situation is sorted, but I'd still be thinking of moving!

Couldn't bear the thought of her walking in when she wants tbh.

Hand hold OP, what a horrible and unnecessary experience.

Sounds like your mum lost complete control and dragged DF into it too.

I would just keep quiet for a few days and see what happens.

Is there anything going on with your mum or dad health wise? It sounds a massive over reaction to a reasonable request.

Do you think your mum will apologise, or is she always right? Is she likely to forgive your partner for swearing at her, that was wrong, but I can understand he was angry and wanting to defend you, hopefully she will realise that.

If babysitting is an issue for your parents perhaps you can make other arrangements in future, could save a lot of upset.

In your shoes, I would be going through my finances and scrimping every possible penny in order to get a proper mortgage on a different house of your own, then getting the lawyers to help you reclaim your share of the equity in your present house. Once that was done, I’d go no contact with your ghastly, controlling, unreasonable, adopted mother, who doesn’t appear to love you at all

This.

Your mother is batshit and won't ever change. Your father is just as abusive to stand by and let this happen. I'm sure this is far from the first time they've acted so crazily.

I also wouldn't let them have access to DD anymore either, as they don't sound stable enough to be in charge of a small child.

You poor thing I really feel for you.

I can remember clearly when the scales fell from my eyes and I saw my mother for the utter manipulative bitch she is. It was horrible. It involved a screaming fit like the one you describe, when I dared to do something (utterly trivial) that she wanted to control.

For your own protection and that of your DC, you have to distance yourself from her. She is toxic. What an utter bitch.

Agree with PP re resolving your housing situation, preferably before new baby arrives.

I agree with Babdoc.

Is this sort of thing out of the ordinary for your parents. Perhaps one of them has had some bad health news? This could explain the reaction. I would contact df separately and ask him if everything is alright with d'm health wise. If he starts shouting I would say 'well I think we all need a break from each other for a bit to calm down, let's have a think about our situations and meet up at a cafe next sunday'.

I think there's an odd version of this going on in your mums head and it's all about control.

You deciding that you didn't want her help without her explicit refusal took away some of that power and dented her ego of the view of being the matriarch everyone relies on and is indebted to her.

The coming over to your house to carry on berating you crosses a massive line. I couldn't live like that and would be seriously considering my options for housing.

Really your dm needs calling out on her behaviour but I'm 99% certain there will be angst ridden drama as a fall out and only you can decide whether you have the energy for it right now.

I don't know why people keep bringing up the pregnancy, as I think it's a bit of a red herring. Coming round to your house and screaming at you is abusive (and it sounds like part of a pattern of abuse and control), whether or not you're pregnant. If being pregnant gives you an extra impetus to stand up to her then great, but you shouldn't feel like you need 'special circumstances' to not be treated like this.

I agree with @Babdoc as well.

Install a chain on the door, that'll stop a repeat of the barging in.

As PP have said it sounds like your DM isn't happy that she called the shots here. You can't argue with crazy.

Your mother is abusive. Your father supports her. I wouldn't stand for it.

I agree with getting out from under your parents' control financially and moving house. I would go limited contact and if the abusive, irrational behaviour continues, go no contact.

You do not want your own children to think this is normal behaviour. You do not want your children growing up kowtowing to your mother, and tiptoeing around her to keep her happy.

Sounds like you have a DH who will stand up for you and with you. I think you two need to take a huge step back from your parents.

The adoption comments were beyond the pale, btw. Another way to 'keep you in line' and 'grateful' ... which is utter nonsense. Your mother is twisted.

You are beholden to them OP , never ends well imho.
ls your mum normally like this? l am wondering if she is ill in any way or menopausal or God forbid early onset dementia . Have you thought about that ? Congratulations on the new baby btw