AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

Jesus, do you really want her there?

No - LO does!

Hospital appt is in quite a large city; lots to do there especially as it's half term so LO wanted to go to shops afterwards and for a Nando's - nothing to stop LO and I doing this but he wants to know if Nanny will be coming!....

I personally think don't phone! You don't want another thing held against you so if you're able to go alone then do so! Just tell your LO hat DM can't make it because of work or something. Sorry you're having to go through this!

Just tell him she can't.
Then talk about what the two of you are going to do.

I would not, you would only be showing dependence. Show her you can do things on your own
You say it's an appointment, not surgery or complicated tests, so I think you'd be fine on your own and giving full attention to LO, instead of having to stay in the waiting room ackwardly trying to break the tension and the wall of silence, or worst yet, arguing in front of LO. In my opinion

Think you're right ladies!

DP thinks if I phone her she will just say you only phone when you want something....blah blah blah! Xx

I think that will be the case too! I hope the appt goes well for LO and you have a good day!

Thank you x

I would take LO on your own, it will be fine. You need to show your DM that you can cope without her help. Just tell your LO that Nanny will be working so can't make it.

TLDR. You all sound completely mental.

Then kindly trot off Tokyo...

Well you did ask for people’s opinions on the internet.

No don't call her! She'll use it against you. i'm sorry to be blunt but you'll much better off in the long run if you manage these things on your own. You'll be surprised how much you can do without her 'help' and 'support'.

OP I felt so sad for you reading your post, I just have no words for how badly you've been treated by your parents.

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I have to say though that I think people are being very unfair to Petrify. Secretly I was thinking the exact same thing. Lucky I wasn't the first to say it otherwise I would have had my bitten off. I would need and want to find and know my own DNA, it would be so very important to me, especially if my adoptive parents are so abusive and dysfunctional as yours appear to be. Even if my adoptive parents were the best in the world, I would need to find my biological mother, most of us have that innate hardwired need to know our own DNA kin.

Birth Parents have nothing to do with this...personal opinion means I don't wish to find them, we are all different!

My dm cut us all off in November after I politely asked her not to say certain things in front of my dc. As it was close the christmas we knew we needed to tell dc as they'd wonder why we weren't visiting. In the end we went with gm said so not very mean things and now doesnt want to talk to us. Decided I cba to defend her behaviour to them. They were fairly accepting of it if that helps.

Some not so not. Thanks phone.

I have to say though that I think people are being very unfair to Petrify. Secretly I was thinking the exact same thing.

SalemBlackCat Then you, like Petrify, are exceptionally ignorant about adoption. Adopted parents are your real parents. Blood doesn’t make a family “real”.

I am also adopted and have absolutely no wish to find the woman who gave birth to me or the man who got her pregnant. I love my (adopted, and real) parents with all my heart; I don’t need to know two random people who simply had sex. They have never been and will never be my parents.

You can say “I would need to find them”, but until you’ve been in this situation you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about, and you need to be very careful as your ignorance can be very hurtful and offensive.

Extremely well said Rogue! Xx

The phrase 'real parents' is really hurtful to adoptive parents as well, I am my DDs' real mother, and that's why they call me 'Mummy'. I'm not saying that DNA isn't important, that's why DH and I adopted DD2, so that they could grow up together. If in the future they want to trace their bio parents, I will fully support them, but it won't change the fact that I do view myself as their real mum.

Don’t contact your mum to go to the hosp with you. Playing devil’s advocate a little here but I wonder if your mum thinks you are always asking her to do favours? From what you wrote, from your point of view you don’t but originally you said that your mother replied when you asked her to babysit that she was too old for all that and with the arrangement with the house and now attending hospital visits it makes me wonder if your mum is too involved. I realise you said that your child instigates her presence but it obviously irks your mother and she sounds very stressed. I would not contact her again to accompany you places or ask for anything that could be construed as a favour. Do not give her ammunition.

I wouldn't invite her to the hospital. It'll just make her think it's okay to say vile things to you (or other people) and then move on as though nothing has happened.

It sounds like she needs to realise that actions/words have consequences, and this in case the consequence is not seeing her daughter and grandchild.

You had a big mass fall out, your DP burst into your house screaming and you burst into tears, DH swore at your DM and your DDad ushered her out and you want to pretend that didn't happens and call your DM to get her to come to a hospital appt? Eh perhaps resolve the mass fall out and not pretend it didn't happen. My OH behaves like that with his DP, they have a bust up, don't talk for a while, get together and no one mentions it and then another minor thing happens and boom the cycle starts again. As nothing is ever resolved.

Rogue, I grew up with a best friend whose parents were foster parents and she was adopted. Think of the Fletcher family in Home and Away and she was basically Sally. Kinda like that. I also knew 2 other adopted children growing up, and several now as adults. With only one exception, all needed to meet their biological mum. It takes a bit to ignore that hard-wiring. I might not be adopted myself, but I am quite familiar with it. I am not speaking out of ignorance. It is quite rare for adopted people to not want to know where they come from. I am not saying she is wrong or bad for not wanting to, just that, as a rule, most do. So that is not ignorance and I am quite offended that my truth is seen as 'ignorance' when it is simply normal. I am not saying she is wrong, just saying the pile-on of Petrify was very unfair. She shouldn't have used the term 'real mother', yes, that is offensive. But there was no harm in them asking the question of the OP, that is all I was saying.