AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

Possibly? I suppose the only one who truly knows her thought process is her!

Before I met DP I was very dependant on my parents; if I needed a shelf putting up (in my rented house!) I'd have to call my Dad, if I wanted to buy a new car I wouldn't dare do so without asking them. Now I obviously ask DP; as she would ask my father and not her own parents if they were alive. To me I thought it was part of the normal process of flying the nest so to speak xx

When my m'n'law is stressed she picks fights - someone pointed out to me that whenever there is a fight between people - the people in the fight get comfort and support from their nearest and dearest. There is this cycle where something happens to make my m'n'law stressed...she picks a fight and ends up screaming at someone...then she turns to my f'n'law for support and comfort. I did explain to her it was much easier for her to seek comfort and support for the thing she was stressed about but she just wouldn't do that. At one point in our relationship, I became her stress emotional punching bag so we are now low contact. Your mother is behaving appallingly and there are no excuses - but maybe something has happened in her life where she is sadly using you to let off steam and then get comfort and support from your dad.

As far as I know there is no one adopted in my greater family, but I know beyond any doubt that if there was that wouldn't make any difference to me in terms of them "not being actual family". I am sure that the rest of your family see you as part of the family, because you are. You are their granddaughter/niece/cousin, etc. As with all of us you didn't ask to be born and as for anyone who's adopted you didn't chose that either. All any of us can hope for is that we are loved for who we are. That your mother doesn't do that is entirely on her.

My mother was a difficult bitch from hell at times, but even she knew that it was her job to care for me because, as she said, I didn't ask to be born, she decided to have me, ergo I was hers to love and care for.

Re menopause, I seem to be having a fairly easy one, although to be fair as I suffer from clinical depression and have far too much in the way of suicidal ideation, I might be having an awful one and I'm unaware of it. I did, however, have nightmare periods and nightmare PMS. I was fully aware of it and if I acted like a bitch on wheels, I apologised. Mostly, however, I let people know that I was all over the place and it was best to avoid me, because I knew when I was likely to lose it and that I didn't want to be horrid to the people around me. Equally, if that was the case now, I'd let people know, avoid them when at my worst and apologise profusely if I happened to lose it with someone when they had done absolutely nothing wrong. Menopause is not an excuse to be an utter cunt, frankly.

Op, as you now know, you did not one damn thing wrong and even if you had, you certainly didn't deserve what happened. Your mother is a horrible, controlling, selfish woman. Thankfully, you are not. I'm glad you have your DP, at least now you are loved for who you are by him, your DS and your DPIL and will be by the new DC when s/he arrives.

Finally! Call me delusional, but while I don't think we should use our DPs as free childcare etc, surely part of being a parent and then a grandparent is the wish to be their for our offspring and theirs. Surely, we want to spend time with our GC? Surely, it's not asking too much at all to be asked to look after them sometimes? Surely family extends beyond bring them up, send them out into the world, job done? Or maybe that's just me!

Madness personified. So many issues seem to be tangled together. Your DP continue to have a hold over you. It’s not unusual for some adoptive parents to want their adopted children to be eternal grateful, as they perceive, for being “rescued”, even though you are meeting some perverted need in them. The house situation underscores this. They, both in their own way have some deep seated anger and resentment. What you did was to take matters into your own hands, ie became independent and made your own arrangements, re cancelling the event. Not knowing any practical/financial details, the sooner you get your own place the better. I’m glad your husband raged back. It demonstrates to them and you his clear support for you. Good luck you’ll need it.

OP, do yourself a favour and be the bigger person in this.

You asked for a favour and put your mother under pressure to respond despite her telling you that she needed to consult with your father. Whatever you think about that, it’s obviously how their relationship works. When your father confirmed they could do it, you said thanks but it’s too late. Do you think he perhaps heard you blaming them for spoiling the event for you ? They weren’t too late - you didn’t give them enough notice in their eyes. And it was your father who started shouting, not your mother. You then basically told them to piss off by hanging up on them. No, they shouldn’t have shown up to continue the argument but equally neither should your partner have spoken to your mother like that. By then, you are all behaving equally badly.

Your hero like worship of your partner worries me - support doesn’t need to be demonstrated by shouting at your parents and I would hazard has just made things more difficult. Be careful you don’t swop your dependency on your parents for dependency on him.

Words like toxic and narcissistic get used on here very easily for parents and in laws. No doubt that’s true in some instances but you had a happy childhood, they have helped out with emotional, financial and practical support - that’s love, not control in the vast majority of cases.

Why don’t you apologise and reassure them that you love them and regret the fight happening. Letting parents that you love save face isn’t about winning or control but about compassion and recognising that families are complicated and we all bring baggage to all our relationships. They may have been in the wrong but you and your partner contributed to the high drama and if you can see that, you can see your way to resolving this.

I think your Dad is partially culpable in this. To allow her to say the utterly unforgivable things re your adoption in his presence without once saying to you 'she doesn't mean it, we love you' or even better 'X that's enough!' just becomes tacit approval of her remarks.

I get that he's probably terrified of her temper and your typical 'anything for a quiet life' sort (isn't it funny how controlling women often end up with feeble men?) but to stand by and allow her to verbally abuse, harangue and insult his pregnant daughter is disgraceful and weak.

You are quite right - part of growing up is to forge our own support networks outside of parents (I consult my DH first on major decisions or small dilemmas now, not my Mum. That's normal). They are struggling to relinquish their control over you and that is not normal or loving parenting, it's very messed up. Maybe it's best your children aren't brought up too far in their warped influence. It's easy when they're little but once they start to become more independent and show that they rely on you and their Dad more than them I can see fireworks coming.

The adoption comment is foul. And I've never seen the point in screaming at people, it's horrible behaviour.

But they really didn't keep you hanging over childcare. You rang the day before. She said she needed to wait on her DH to check. You rang again to hassle. She got all stressed. Then, still on the same day, he rang to agree they could provide childcare for the following day. That's actually a pretty quick turnaround for agreeing to childcare for a non emergency that you'd left to the last minute to ask them.

Though the bit that worried me most... Coming round to scream at you is horrible. The adoption comment is awful. But I worry the most about anyone who could ever think that throat punching might conceivably be appropriate in any situation other than defending from physical violence. I realise that no throat punching occurred, but even to think about going there...fucking frightening.

Your mother sounds batshit crazy and really nasty. Yes, more notice from you would have been good and not so last minute but what a major over reaction on her part.

I would say go NC with someone who is nasty enough to say the stuff she said. But your housing situation worries me. What would she do if you went NC? Could she kick you out the house? I hope it’s legally watertight.....if it is fuck her off. You don’t need twats like that in your life.

Just seen the post saying you could get a mortgage if needed. Get one, do anything you can to stop her having any power/control over you. Even if it means you have to move. Never ask her for any childminding again.

It's not about the notice.
If I ask my mum to have DS she'll either tell me she can or she can't.

No need for drama.

Your DP is lovely and what a partner should be like. Your DM has so many issues and your DP would have been totally allowed to swear at her far earlier

What a bloody evil cow your "mother" is to say something like that to you 're. your adoption. What kind of mother says such a thing? Her husband is a wimp - a jellyfish has more of a spine. Honestly, I say well done to you for keeping them in your life as long as you have.

You really do need to get away from them, as your "mother" will soon turn her rancid toxicity on your son, if she hasn't begun to do that already. And your "father" doesn't have the gumption to defend him from her.

Wicked bitch! (Her, not you)

I think you should delicately remove yourself from the house owned by your DM. If you can do it without an argument that is great. But she is controlling you - she may even be stopping you get your own mortgage and independence by offering you this deal. Gently but by bit remove all situations that give her control over you and then you can have a relationship with her from a position of strength. - if you want to

To those who commented in relation to me badgering them for childcare - if I really thought it was going to cause such a huge issue/upset/stress for her I genuinely wouldn't of even asked to begin with. I thought she was emotionally stable enough to be asked and of course care for LO. I made it clear to her that I needed to know for ticket purposes but not to feel obligated to say yes!

Nonetheless it's by the by now. Childcare will never be asked for again; full stop.

Moving forth DP and I need to have a serious conversation about how we move forth, re house as well as contact with DPs.

To the person who commented about a throat punch if you were adopted and such a nasty comment was thrown at you or perhaps a person you cared dearly for relating to adoption I'm sure you too would feel incensed with anger/upset. DP of course would not ever consider using violence on my parents; the comment was said in jest.

Your mother sounds very controlling and behaved very badly. However, if you think her reaction was unusually intense, or following a recent pattern of crazy behaviour, there are sometimes medical reasons. My aunt has a form of dementia (frontotemporal) that’s main symptom is personality change (and intensifying negative personality traits). She says awful things, which is very unlike her. And it has made her very compulsive and controlling, which was like her but WAY worse. It strikes younger than other forms of dementia (mostly 45-65). We thought she was cracking up going through menopause or something and it took ages for a diagnosis. Something to think about because dm’s behaviour sounds utterly bizarre. Tho clearly that doesn’t explain why DF started in initially. If this is not worse than usual, and simply normal terrible behaviour, continue to stand up for yourself. You are an adult and deserve to be treated as such. With controlling parents you need to demand it for yourself or it may never happen.

It's normal behaviour for her unfortunately!

Gracie I don’t want to make you feel worse, or force you to think about the future, but do you genuinely ever want to even see her again? Does she honestly bring anything positive into your life?

Well - I'm normally very close to my Mum & so is LO. When she's nice/normal she's a lovely person; but when the erratic behaviour starts that's when it's difficult.

I don't know how/if we can move on for this. Of course if we can I would want to - she's my Mum and I love her dearly. How sad is that? That I still want her around despite all she's done/said! X

She sounds very very jealous of you and your enviable (to her, and others!) life. She's retired and sounds a bit bored, while you are in the midst of life with a LO, another one on the way and a DP you clearly adore. She's jealous and can't admit it, so it all comes out as weird rage. I've been there (not with the adoption element admittedly).

If I were you I'd be keeping my head down and quietly working out how to rely on them less and less until she has nothing to beat you with. She'll then move on to emotional blackmail but worry about that when it comes

If you do want to keep seeing her, then a bit of toddler training for adults might be in order. It was starting to work on my mum but she inconveniently died in the middle of it....

My mother has done the same as yours over the years. She has to be in control with everyone and will use guilt trips and abuse sometimes in public to get her own way. My sister went n c 20 years ago and I wish I had but me and my children are all she has left all the rest are no contact. I was born 10yrs after my sister and for all my childhood she and my gran and sister would say that she was wanted and I was the mistake she really is vile and hates that now she is retired and driven everyone away the only one she can guilt trip and abuse is me. Get on with your lovely family unit and your little blessing on the way and don't give anymore control to these people , she know that comment would hurt you it's not what a normal parent would say she was hitting you with a parting shot to weaken you. Don't let it. Be strong and united and you and your partner will be in control.

It’s not sad at all - it’s understandable. We all want our families to love us unconditionally and not be abused by them. Trust me, when you’re looking for approval you’ll put up with all sorts of shit - I have.

But there comes a time when you say “no more”. Happened twice to me: first was when my aunt and her cunt of a husband had a go at dh. Second was seeing the way ILs treat their only GC. Something just snapped and there was no going back.

The only thing I’d really advise is, if you think she’ll change or her behaviour will get better with training then keep in contact (but don’t instigate it yourself - you’re dealing with an oversized toddler). If she isn’t going to change then you might genuinely feel happier without her in your life.

Have you looked into FOG? (Fear, obligation, guilt). You might find it helpful x

Hi Gracie2906

Whatever the reason turns out to be for your mum's overreaction valid or not to your childcare request there is no excuse or need for the hurtful adoption comment.

Your mum will know she's crossed the line but too late to un-say the words.

The only way forward now would be to let your mum know just how upset and hurt she has made you feel with her words. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to her directly could you perhaps contact to your dad and speak to him alone letting him know that this argument has gone too far and won't be brushed under the carpet. He is also your parent and also has responsibility to step up when needed.

Good Luck

Gracie are you my sil? Because your post re your mum could be a post I'd write about my mil!!! Hope you get it sorted, stand your ground girl! 😘

I bet though now you think back with this new eye on things your going to realise that the truth is.

Your close to with her because it's always on her terms

You have learned certain (normal that shouldn't cause an issue) things "set" her off so either you hide them from her or censor how you share.
You will probably now see that you were dependent because she deliberately made you (in subtle ways) feel like a failure by her or she instilled in you that without her you would be incapable of coping with x/y/z or when something went wrong she would comment something like see I told you or without me darling etc
You probably naturally or unconsciously let her have her way or didn't respond to comments because you it wasn't worth the hassle that came with not.
She probably installed that you were lucky to have her or compared to my childhood you have it really good.

Does that sound right?

Emotional abuse can be subtle