AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

If you do the BBQ it will signal to her that her behaviour is OK.

Yes will have to cancel.

DH going there probably isn't the best idea to be honest with you. I don't want to reignite the fire so to speak. Worst case scenario I will have to order new and when we are on speaking terms return the items in her house. Bit of a faff but an option nonetheless...

It’s not you, it’s your Mother

I’d have gone NC after the nasty comment about your adoption.

If I were you I would...

• Give you DP a massive hug & tell him he’s a total star

• Stop DPs collecting DS from school or having him at any other time

• Go & see a Solicitor to work out exactly how to extract your investment in the property and calculate exactly what your equity is.

• I would move to the other end of the country, if not further & start building a new life with DP & your DC, away from the controlling duo.

Your childhood was only happy because you conformed, luck not them putting you first.

You have a lovely DP, a wee boy & one on the way...go somewhere you can build a lovely life together without the batshit duo in your doorstep x

Your DM got caught out knee deep in bullshit. Why she can't just say yes or no instead of using a question as an excuse to have a go, I do not know. I hate this sort of behaviour...then you get accused of assuming when assuming is the only way forwards after a response like that.
Blowing up like that was bang out of order but things were said in front of your DF that cannot be unsaid. The adoption comment was incredibly hurtful and demonstrates what she really thinks about your position in the family.
Your DP swearing was not really helpful but maybe that is the only way she would get the message. I would think between him, you and DF, she is well and truly in the doghouse. She will probably bluster her way around it but you three know that she needs to acknowledge she was out of order and unreservedly apologise. I
Stop beating yourself up about ifs, what's and maybes. She chose to do this. She chooses to give you a pa response to every question and she chose to adopt you. None of these are your choices to make.
She needs to grow a pair and accept responsibility for her choices.

Like PP's have said she sounds like a narcissist. It's very much my way or the highway with them and they only do things to look good to others! I would imagine her friends are told we help our DD out:

By giving free childcare every week,

We bought them a house and let them pay a nominal rent (no matter what the real situation is and whether they are actually profiting from giving you a private mortgage),

We're expected to drop everything to help out,

Oh and you will never ever be grateful!

What happened here was that you were supposed to beg for her help with your DS, she had, no doubt, painted it to your DF that she was doing you a huge favour and putting herself out. She was supposed to be treated and a heroine for saving the day (they really do think like this)! When you told her that you'd had to give up the chance of going because she had basically told you they weren't going to be able to so didn't need them, that was obviously not what she wanted to hear as it was to be another thing to hold over you. Also the possibility that she had lied to your DF about what was said and your DP corroborating your version of the conversation made her look (entirely correctly) like a liar.

Narcissists cannot bear to be caught out or called out on their behaviour and lash out horrendously whenever they are seen by others to be less than perfect. There is no comparison between a normal persons reaction and that of a narcissist caught out. They cannot be less than perfect so you HAVE to be in the wrong and if you show them up god help you!

Please do not contact either of them or apologise, normal behaviour and rules do not apply to them. She will not think you the bigger person she will see you as weak and that she is able to treat you like this without consequences.

It would almost certainly be better for you and your new little family to have as little as possible to do with them. Your D'M will continue to control and manipulate you, your DS and your new DC (btw she will never forgive your DP) and it is an unhealthy and toxic relationship to show your children and will cause you more unhappiness in the long run.

@VogueVVague what a silly unhelpful thing to say

Your mum sounds awful, I'd have thrown her out. How dare they? Disgusting behaviour

Cancel the bbq. Can't believe she said about you being adopted - just read that. What a nasty woman. Arms length from now on. Stupid cow

More I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that the only thing that could of caused it was the fact that control was taken away from her & she didn't like that.

Re the adoption comments; what can I say? I suppose at the time I couldn't quite believe she said it, DP says my face dropped I suppose I never saw her family as being her family but more as our family?! They've always treated me as a niece/granddaughter/cousin just as if I was blood related so to speak. But that said, if she has these thoughts what's to say not one of them has been thinking the same too? Perhaps they do see me more as an outsider and not really family and perhaps they have just 'accepted' me to keep my parents happy? Who knows!

I suppose I never saw her family as being her family but more as our family?! They've always treated me as a niece/granddaughter/cousin just as if I was blood related so to speak. But that said, if she has these thoughts what's to say not one of them has been thinking the same too? Perhaps they do see me more as an outsider and not really family and perhaps they have just 'accepted' me to keep my parents happy? Who knows!

I'm very angry on your behalf that his stupid woman has made you feel/think this way. I know it's easy for me to say this, but please don't think this way. I'm sure the rest of the family does think of you as their full niece/cousin etc. Hopefully they'd be just as horrified as the posters on this thread if they knew of the way your mother treated you.

I have three cousins who were adopted into the family at birth (each by a different set of parents). They are my cousins. End of story. Just as they're everyone else's nieces, nephew, grandchild, cousin, sibling etc. 99.9% of the time I forget they're adopted at all unless I read of things like this. They are 100% family same as biological members. If anyone dared suggest otherwise, I'm sure the (my) extended family would set them straight quick smart. Adopted children should not need to feel "grateful" for being adopted.

Funny you should say that, it's almost like I should be grateful for the life I've had in her opinion (and we all need to be to a certain extent - often we don't know how lucky we are but I mean this in terms of having a home to go to, food on the table,education, nhs!!) and I am. But as other posters stated I too think she should be grateful she was given the opportunity to adopt me.

It's nice to hear you think of your adopted relatives as family just as if they were blood relatives - I suppose it's similar to in laws they would still be treated as family despite not being blood related. So how is an adopted child any different? Especially as I was adopted as a baby and am now in my late 20s! Wonder if both my parents share her views or not? My minds in overdrive about it. DF was there when the comment was made and said nothing, he followed DM out of the room when she stormed off in tears after making the comment! He didn't once defend me nor did he defend the comment.

I’d cancel the bbq anyway. It was a surprise, so she’s not going to know. Just tell people you’d misjudged how much you’ve got on and you’ll reschedule later in the year if you want to (you don’t have to get round to it). This will give you some breathing space to decide how you want to go forward. It is a massive shock when you suddenly realise these people are not who you thought they were and you need time to process.

Good for your DP in standing up for you - my DH has done the same for me in similar situation.

Yes cancelling the BBQ defo seems like the only option to be honest with you.

Never mind, no reason why my family and I can't host a BBQ as the summer progresses just for us. We've already had a few!

I'd actually forgotten I've got an adopted cousin. Do you know why I forgot? Because I had completely forgotten he is adopted. He is my cousin, like my other cousins are. Certainly no one thinks of him as anything other than our family.

The fact your DM has even made you question how your family might think of you saddens me. You will have brought so much joy to your extended family I hope it's a fleeting questioning.

Narcissists cannot bear to be caught out or called out on their behaviour and lash out horrendously whenever they are seen by others to be less than perfect

I think its called their 'false self'.

OP, what a horrible thing to be going through.

I also have an adopted cousin. Her half sister is my cousin by blood, but it's no different to anyone except my late grandmother, who was unpleasant that way.

Thinking that way about your child is not normal. I'd bet that she's the only one who does and nobody else cares.

There was no need for her to come storming round and how disappointing is your father?

Ignore

She'll have to explain to people why there's no card or celebration for her event and that won't go down well!

Actions have consequences. It's about time you put some in place as you would a toddler

My dh found out his cousin was adopted at his aunt’s funeral as his cousin was talking about her family. He had no idea because it was a non issue.

Hope your dp has got your parcel from them. And yes cancel the bbq and you don’t have to give a reason as to why it no longer happening.

Oh god. Sympathies.
This is why I just don't ask my mother favours with the children anymore, it's almost too....political? She's prone to manipulation and having the upper hand, making you feel indebted to her, keeping guessing 'til the last minute. Not worth it.
Mine had the bright idea of buying a house to rent to me in my younger years, aswell. But I knew what she was like so I refused. I'm sorry you're in this situation!
For what it's worth, my mum uses the 'MY family' line with me and I'm not adopted. It's just a way of making you feel 'other' whereas she is the matriarch of this close family and you'd better tow the line if you want to feel part of it.

Just had to quickly say I have one “biological” niece and one adopted. Myself and the whole family adore them equally as much as the other, they are both such vital parts of our family, both bring as much joy and both get spoiled (equally!) rotten!

Sometimes when people lash out they say things that would hurt them the most, to try and cause the most hurt in the heat of the moment. These things say so much more about the person saying them then they do about the person they are said about.

Thank you everyone; your comments have been lovely to read and very touching at such a rotten time!

RE the adoption I think I just need to concentrate on my 'own family' such as DP and children. They are my family and nothing ever to do with them can be thrown back in my face. After said incident DP actually said to me something along the lines of "fuck her and HER family, we have our own family and you also have MY family, we are one!" The last few weeks has really made me see DP for the lovely man he is; he is truly special to us and we adore him! Upon reflection I've noticed for a little while DM has been making comments such as "oh yes your DP can do no wrong!" When it's been totally uncalled for, even if I were just to say "DP and LO rode bikes to the beach last night!" - clearly signs of jealousy I guess alongside the fact that she's not in control and I can actually see someone for who they truly are - a nice person, and he's nice to us because that's the kind of man he is; not because he's obligated to because he once 'adopted' me! X

I wouldn't care what she did for ya the comment she said to you about being lucky they took you in was very nasty and I would imagine very hurtful , just leave them alone for a while ,you don't need stress like that when your pregnant , she sounds like a proper bitch

I wonder if your mother has become unhinged as she can no longer control you. I'm guessing not being able to have children and then adopting you - maybe she is more needy for your attention than you have realised and she is feeling lonely now you are building your own life?

Get a mortgage and buy a place properly. If there is nothing in writing you won't ever own that house