AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

You sound so rational OP. I think you are probably right, you are happy in your current set up and you don't need your DM so much and she can't stand it. By any chance does your child have a different father to your DP? My thinking is that perhaps if you were originally a single mum, you relied on her and she liked that but now you have a DP and another child on the way, she knows she is losing you?

I'm aware that sounds like an excuse for her and it is not meant to be as her behaviour is inexcusable.

I think if a woman that can abuse you (and it was abuse) so badly can access your house in ten minutes, it might be worth considering moving at least an hour away from her? Some relationships are easier to maintain at a distance.

Should you wait for an apology before resuming contact? In theory yes. Practically given the type of woman she is, it is unlikely you will get one. Do you want this pregnancy to be remembered as the time your mother and you stopped speaking? Probably not. Should you go over to her house and act as if nothing has happened? No. Should you allow them to continue picking up your son after school on a Friday? I know some people will say not to drag a child into this but if it was me, I'd be very reluctant to allow it as your mother has showed a lack of self control that is concerning. If you think it would be of any use (and I mean of use to you not her), you could, in a few weeks after the dust has settled, you could tell me clearly how you felt after her outburst. But primarily I 'would look into moving away and putting a physical distance between you.

• her not me.

I am not your mum )

Definitely get something properly legal in place. She's sounds like a mentalist. Just because someone has helped you out doesn't mean they can treat you like shit. What they've helped you with and how they just acted are two separate things.

Also I have a similar relationship with my parents. They've helped me a lot but dislike my partner as he supports me and is my back up too and I don't need as much support from them because I have him and it really bothers them for some reason. Also additional comment, what she said about you being adopted is absolutely horrible! I'd have stopped speaking to her after that!

Manipulative mothers - haven't spoken to mine for 6 years. Good luck cos yours sounds horrible and shouldn't be screaming at you when you are pregnant and feeling vulnerable - and what she said about you being adopted wow - just wow 😡

Well when I read your post I wondered what sort of mother does that? Disgusting behaviour on her part. Then I read further RE adoption issue. So she's not your real mother. If it wasn't for the house I would have nothing more to do with either of them! Any chance you could find your real mother? Enjoy your pregnancy _ she's obviously very jealous and resentful that you can do what she couldn't I guess. Best of luck. Xx

Find my real mother?? really?

She IS my mother full stop. Adoption means exactly that!

🤤 her mother is her real mother, the birth mother has done nothing but provide a DNA. This is like saying "find your real husband/wife" because when you were 8 you played pretend couples with someone at school! Her mother is the one who raised and looked after her and called her daughter. She might not be perfect, she might be controlling and self-absorbed, but still her mother.

Thanks Larry - can't believe the last comment! Even if I were to find my birth mother what's that got to do with it? She's not gonna ride into my life on a golden carriage to save the sodding day! X

The phrase 'real mother' is very hurtful, for adopted children, their adoptive parents are their real parents. My DDs (9 and 6) call me 'Mummy', and that's what I am. DD2 had a bad night last night, when she woke up after a bad dream, and called out 'Mummy', it was me she wanted.

If my DDs, who are birth sisters, want to find their birth parents, obviously I'll support them all the way.

Telling the OP that her mum isn't her 'real mum' doesn't help help her, for all her mum's faults she is nevertheless her mum, as she brought her up. It also wouldn't be a good idea to place all her hopes in her 'real mum' because she would be setting herself up for a fall. The OP needs to work out her relationship with the parents she knows before thinking about contacting her birth parents.

I think the adoption has nothing to do with this and might have derailed some people. My mum is controlling and thinks she is always right. During an argument, when I was about your age, she threatened to divorce my dad because he was mumbling something like "she's right..." referring to me. She went as far as to actually see a lawyer and call my dad to his office to tell him, so he called me from work in tears asking me to please apologize... So I understand why your dad remains invisible on the sideline. Once you've been stripped of your own opinion, there's nothing but agreeing with the toxic partnert. They usually present themselves as a 'united front' and talk about how much they trust each other, they couldn't life without each other, etc... But as I see it, my mum leeches all the energy and self-esteem from my dad, who is happy thinking he's got this special relationship ... Yet in my opinion is working because he does what she says.

Anyway, when it comes to potentially losing the children, my mum came round. She still tries to be controlling and all that, but after years of low contact she knows I'm not bowing to her demands, so she's changed her attitude towards us and does not push it. I like them having a relationship with the children, so I'm not stopping anything but won't do demands unless it suits us too.

Your mum was out of place. I think she's definitely a bit jealous of the family unit you are creating. I wouldn't stop your son from sending messages or calling, as it's punish him. It might also make her reflect on what she's missing.

Let the waters calm down. I think you will both sort it out. Unfortunately things that were said cannot be unsaid, but sometimes we say things when heated that we don't actually think or feel, we just say then because at the time we feel hurt and want the other person to feel as hurt as us as well. Completely wrong, but it happens. She could have said that just because she was feeling so hurt, as an emotional slap, yet she does not really think it. Kind of like when in an argument with the other half one says "I don't know what will happen if we continue down this route", which some say as "just think how life would be without me" but it sounds as a "I might divorce you if you continue this way". People say all kind of nonsense when heated up x

If course she is your real mum OP! And like most mums she cried when she became your mum, she held your hand while she tried to protect and guide you, your laughter made her heart jump and your tears made her heart heavy.

You are still within your rights to be very hurt at her words which were said to hurt you and of course it is natural that you are wondering if she always thought this way and her true feelings came out in her rage. She more than likely didn’t think like that though and I imagine she was probably very grateful she got to be your mum. It is more than disappointing that your Dad didn’t defend you or at least contact you afterwards. I have one of those Dads and if you are like me, you probably know he will do anything for a quiet life for himself and is probably a willing participant in her manipulation.

Incidentally, I gave eggs when I was young and I know the couple had a son. I don't consider myself his mum despite having my DNA. It
Is it just the "giving birth" or the "pregnancy"? What about surrogate mothers? Some people are putting too much meaning in carrying and delivering a baby. "Mum" and / or "Dad" are those who fulfill that role as carers, protectors, nurturers, etc in a child's life.

hearing how some mother are.this border line amotional abuse people keep mentioning then the "symtoms" so many more mums are like this than I new.and makes me feel less alone.or less "is this really how she is?am I imagining things?i must be taking things wrongly surely this cant be what she meaning to make us feel?

.

Any news from 'D'M?

Nope not heard a word from her! An event was created on FB today for my baby shower and I of course added her into the group - she's not exactly clued up as to how to use Facebook properly but I'm
Sure she's seen it xx

Petrify
So she's not your real mother... Any chance you could find your real mother?

OMG! For better or worse, the lady OP refers to as mum IS her real mum!

I can't believe you could seriously write such disgusting comments.

OP's mother was the first to play the "I'm not your real mother/you aren't real family" card.

THAT is fucked up.

I’ve been thinking about this again as I have a precarious relationship with family myself. I agree it is f*ckef up and goodness knows what or why she said it but it was probably a deliberately low blow to hurt her daughter as much as possible. Would it be worth writing her an actual letter OP to tell her how hurt you are by what she said? We tend to express ourselves in writing. You could write how you felt and your co fusion about why she said it. You could leave it open and ask her how she would like to continue from here if you feel strong enough to cope with a reply you might not like or no contact at all. Part of me thinks she will not contact you and the longer things are left, the harder they are to resolve. I had a mild disagreement with a family member and neither of us made contact afterwards. Six years later and we have not exchanged more than a handful of words. That hurts too.

Another one saying she sounds very controlling and I would just assume it’s a control issue.

It sounds to me like you've got yourself properly enmeshed with a set of parents who are very, very controlling. If I were you, I would start to take some steps to disentangle this situation emotionally and financially.

You can't really complain about someone exerting control over you if you throw yourself in their power. Money and favours often come with strings attached - if you don't like the strings, stand on your own two feet and pay your own way.

You can't really complain about someone exerting control over you if you throw yourself in their power.

Asking your parent to look after their grandchild occasionally is hardly "throwing yourself in their power". Neither is the housing situation, come to think of it. I like to accept help from a parent without expecting them to emotionally abuse me, but maybe that's just me

" I like to accept help from a parent without expecting them to emotionally abuse me, but maybe that's just me"

That would be the normal expectation, in a normal household - and you're right, it should be how things work.

Unfortunately for those of us with dysfunctional families, it isn't how things work. And the behaviour here - screaming down the phone, screaming in person - over nothing - is pretty obviously dysfunctional.

And the only thing you can do when you have a family like that is to protect yourself from the madness and that means doing your own thing without help.

Excuse me pig face? Pay my own way??? what the hell makes you think I don't???? I did not supply you with full info on housing situ - what an uninformed comment to make