AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally

This comment doesn't paint you in a great light.

Elevens with the greatest of respect I don't really care how it paints me; I'm not a nasty person unfortunately it's fact. I have tried to include her in my pregnancy as much as possible based on the fact she didn't experience this herself as well as that I even allowed her to be present at LOs birth so she could see a child being born - her request x

@Stillme1

Are you suggesting preemptive care, or something like that? Clearly the parents are not ill now (apart from any mental issues) and there's no indication that they need help at all.
Odd comments.

Op. Do not engage further until you have had an apology!

I am still waiting for an apology after a very similar situation happened. Except my parents jumped on me while they knew my Dh was at work. The things they said were awful and they refused to leave my house.

We met and talked about it since, I've acknowledged my part, but without acknowledgement of how they made me feel, I won't accept their half-hearted apology. They just don't want to be seen as the bad grandparents.

They too offered to help us get a new home (after the fall out) and thinking this was their way of offering an olive branch, we agreed to ask them. Turned out their offer of help wasn't actually any help at all (we needed a guarantor) Thankfully dpil helped us. They are a lovely, non judgemental couple having been in many poor situations themselves.

My life is so much happier now. I don't worry about them turning up at the house as I have made it clear they are not welcome. They have started sending cheques via recorded delivery for the children's birthdays. Those get shredded instead of cashed. I will not have them trying to buy the children off when they still refuse to acknowledged they said some dreadful, hurtful things. The only people missing out is them. They are even blocked from my social media accounts.

I only read the beginning but it's not fair to guilt trip your parents after the tix were sold. If she couldn't commit at first you should have arranged alternative childcare. It's not their problem

Lweji - I am not sure what you mean by pre-emptive care. I meant that at the point I wrote that we knew that the OP had a house with help from the parents, the parents have the child over every Friday and babysit on the odd time the OP goes out. We have since heard that OP checks on Grandma (dad's mum) and OPDP did some building work at parents' house. It looked at that point that the parents were helping or trying to help OP and OPDP but OP was doing nothing in return.

I think families should help each other with things. As stated by me I may be projecting but what I saw in OP's original post was a one way street of help coming her way only. This is what I have seen irl too.

I would also say that age does not always mean in need of help or care. Relatively younger people can be restricted for various reasons some temporary some permanent.

The main thing is it should be a two way thing.

Are you for real, @Lethaldrizzle ? Whatever the OP may have said, there was no justification for her DM's behaviour, none whatsoever. Especially when the OP is 18 weeks pregnant.

Her DM's comments about the adoption really were so cruel and totally out of order, no 2 ways about that.

As is often the case the deeper issue is really the cause of this bust up.

Lethaldrizzle Here's a idea READ the whole post before commenting.

OP whatever you would have done would have been wrong. Even if you had assumed your parents would have babysat for you they would been angry that you had done that.

Unfortunately your mum was looking for a fright with who ever and you and your DP got it.

I would take a step back from them for now, look at keeping the doors locked and with the key in so they can not just walk into your home.

I meant that at the point I wrote that we knew that the OP had a house with help from the parents, the parents have the child over every Friday and babysit on the odd time the OP goes out.

The house.
OP has said I don't want to discuss what rate we repay or what down payment we contributed ourselves. and that it's all been done legally through solicitors. It looks like they're buying the house from her parents and instead of paying the money to a bank, they're paying it to her parents. So, you're just assuming that the parents have offered any money towards it. For all we know, OP and her DP are paying the market rate, but just didn't have enough for a full deposit that a bank would require.

The parents having the child over every Friday,
OP said at 11.04 that it was because they wanted to pick the child up from school, and have him over. Not because she needs it for childcare.
Stillme1 you posted at 12.58, almost 2 hours after OP's clarification. So your assertion that when you wrote your post, the situation regarding the GPs looking after the child hadn't been clarified, is blatantly untrue. You'd do well to read all of the OP's posts before posting your own version of events, in an effort to make the OP look unreasonable.

Motoko - I do not spend all my day timing the posts of people on MN. OP made further information available at various stages. I have no interest in known the exact details of the financial arrangements but it does seem that the parents have done something to make it easier for the OP to have a house rather than private rent council rent or them buying in the normal way.
It does seem to me that on MN and irl younger generations take it for granted that the older generation will help in whatever way it is wished but there must be no "interference/involvement" from parents.
There certainly seems to be an undercurrent going on here. Whether it is re adoption or ability to have babies or something else I do not know nor do I think it is my business to know.
Parents do like to help out younger couples if at all possible but maybe this is not the best plan. Equally it probably is not the best plan for parents to live in bog house with money in the bank and not help the adult children.

It seems impossible for the parents of adults to do anything right on MN

Thanks for your opinion/assumptions regarding my house arrangements Stillme, however you're wrong! I don't wish to comment any further than I wasn't required to get a mortgage; if however we are put in a position where we need to obtain a mortgage then we can do so with ease.

Gracie Just above your post I have said that I have no interest in knowing the arrangements re your house. Perhaps you have taken something the wrong way or mixed me up with someone else.

I definitely do not want any information about your house or the financial dealings connected to it

Sorry you're going through this.

I doubt she will ever change but until you own the house, there's no getting away from her.

However once you have it, I would sell up as quickly as possible and move somewhere far away and not tell anyone where. Go full no contact and never speak to them again.

Your mother is a narcissist and your father her enabler. I would seriously consider your position now. They won't and can't change.

Gracie, your DP is an absolute star, this says a lot about you. 💐⭐️

What she said to you about the adoption was inexcusable and her shouting at you both down the phone and at home was unacceptable especially as you're pregnant. There was absolutely no need for it and I would have taken her reply as a 'no'!

I've said it before but the More and more I play it over in my head the more and more I can't for the life of me see what provoked such a reaction other than the fact that she was no longer in control!

I've not heard from either parent today; and don't suspect I will until I make contact first.

Biggest bloody bitch is I ordered parcel for delivery to their house in error as that address was registered to the website I bought the bloody items from! I also know they have been delivered and signed for bloody ball ache!

Could you ask a friend to go round and pick it up?

Motoko - no, wouldn't dream of putting a friend in that position.

Hopefully they will just drop items in and leave, that's yet to be seen tho and honestly I'm not holding my breath!

I've not heard from either parent today; and don't suspect I will until I make contact first

Don't make contact. Use this as a chance to get these toxic and abusive people out of your life.

Also, don't invite her to the baby shower so she can ruin the day for everyone with her attitude and behaviour.

Still haven't heard from either parent which is fine by me. I'm going to try and be strong and not cave and contact them first. I think if we are to move on and for DM to realise her behaviour was unacceptable it's important she's the one who makes contact first.

Slightly awkward tho as DM has a special occasion next Sunday and I planned to host a large BBQ as way of celebrating and was going to do this as a surprise for DM - don't know what to do now...

If you haven't heard from them by Tuesday/Wednesday cancel it.

Could DH go and get the parcel ?
Seriously, I'd knock the barbecue on the head, probably not in your best interests right now.