AIBU or was my Mum? Family WW3!

[Gracie2906]

So basically I phoned my Mum yesterday morning and asked if she could have My LO Saturday so that DP and I could go to an event, she said I don’t know til your father comes home from work (fully understand and appreciate this!), however event organiser phoned me again and said I’m gonna sell my tickets I need to know now if you want them, so I said ah I can’t commit cos I don’t know if my mother will have LO; so I’ll phone her again and see if my fathers home from work and whether or not a decision has been and I'll let you know ASAP however appreciate you may need to sell your tickets in the interim so that you're not lumbered with them!

When I phoned DM she said for god sake; me and your father are too old and bad for this; LO is hard work blah blah blah - again fully appreciate this so took her response as a 'NO'.

I told lady selling tickets we couldn’t go and to sell the tickets elsewhere. Roll on a few hours my father phones me a few hours later and said we’ve had a chat and we will have LO tomo for you to attend; so I was like thanks but you’re too late Lady sold the tickets as we told her we were unable to attend; he then starts shouting at me why has she gone and done that, why would she sell tickets knowing you wanted to go.... I explained after the convo DM and I had had when he was in work that I based her response on the fact it was probably going to be a no, with that my DM begins screaming down the phone at me alongside DF saying at no point did she say outright no! Again I fully appreciate this however tickets had to be sold on blah blah blah...

DP is next to me whilst this fiasco is ongoing as we are painting LOs bedroom, neither parent would allow me to get a word in so DP overshouts "for god sake she's 18 weeks pregnant and can do without the stress don't worry about it; we aren't going!" Neither parent stops screaming from their end so I hung up! I thought to myself I can't be arsed to deal with this shit; plus I'm upto my eyeballs in paint!!!

Roll on 10mins and DM & DP fly through my front door in a rage; continuing to scream at me. I'm all a bit shocked and burst into tears (as well as hormonal I think!) so DP begins to stick up for me and Says DMIL I heard both convos you cannot deny saying that you were too old and too bad, DM then accuses us of having secrets in our relationship but her and DF do not obviously I questioned her on this as she was insinuating I have secrets from DP - she then admits she has no evidence DP and I have secrets from one another - so where the bloody hell did that comment come from??? She could of potentially caused WW3 between DP and I!

Argument ensues for at least another twenty minutes by which point DF is stood in hallway trying to usher DM out; I'm sat on the sofa sobbing and DP is sat on the other sofa with DM stood between us screaming about how awful we are for not taking LO with us, and hypocritical I am for allowing him to stay with her when we would attend event as I don't agree with kids being palmed off for the record I don't like children being passed from pillar to post with no stability when parents are out on the lash; however DP and I haven't been out since Christmas parties!!!! But I hardly feel as if this constitutes as a child being passed from pillar to post!

Moving on, DM owns our house and we pay a set amount each month to her and then when value of house is repaid we will own house; so technically DM sees herself as our landlord and the house is basically the only hold she has over us; so she then starts shouting I'm changing your tenancy agreement - we don't have one you will be having quarterly inspections and this is all I want to do with you! Slightly ataken back DP responds with no problem, we look forward to the first inspection, the doors that way! Well, if he did.... she began Screaming don’t you dare speak to me like that boy! 😂😂 and he replied something along the lines of you don’t tell me what to fuckin do you may think you can do it to your daughter but not me! she was screaming at him don’t you swear at me you may use that language but I don’t...then I said to her exactly why have you come here screaming? She said I didn’t I come here to talk to you! with that DF drags her out of the house; the whole time he's said nothing whilst here. DP locks the door and I fall into his arms sobbing partly with embarrassment as to how she's acted and partly because I'm just devastated with it all!

I’ve been thinking all afternoon I cannot for the life of me think what provoked such a heavy argument other than the fact that she said one thing and meant another? Cos perhaps she knew all along her and DF would have LO she just likes being in control and stringing me along! (For the record she is very controlling and everything has to go her way!)

I agree DP shouldn't of swore at her, but he really was at the end of her tether after watching her screaming at me knowing I'm pregnant! As well as this DM made a comment recently in front of DP that as I am adopted "her family are her family and I'm very lucky they've accepted me " I was adopted at 6mths old for the record! As you can appreciate DP wanted to throat punch her when she said this as he noticed my face dropped! (I couldn't quite believe she said it!)

My opinion is she likes me to be 'alone' and be dependant on her and DF for things; she doesn't like the fact that DP supports me cos she accused him of being my back up! The only other reason I can rationalise in my heads as to why she behaved as she did is jealousy of the fact DP and I are having a baby; obviously something she couldn't do naturally but how the hell am I responsible for that? I'm not! And I'm more than understanding about it all, but at the same time I should be allowed to enjoy my pregnancy!

Anyway, I'm rambling now, think it's cos I'm still so upset! Don't know what I really expect from posting in here but just someone to give their opinion outside of the situ would be nice xx

Regarding the first part: I get this with my DParents - they always offer to look after DC (one has ASC and so it can be difficult to find someone to babysit), then when I ask, they huff and puff, basically making me feel bad for asking and making sure I am aware of how much they are putting themselves out for me and how grateful we should be (this is why we no longer ask!) I remember a particular situation on my birthday where they offered to sit (during the day) then rang me mid way throwing a hissy fit as they didn't think I would be so long! I was only out 4 hours with a friend! I had to leave early, then in my taxi almost home they rang and told me that they had had a chat and yes, they were ok with staying another hour … I'm pretty sure my DM was fully aware that I would already be on my way home. Your DM wants you to be mega grateful to her, so she's making out that it's so difficult for them - trying to make you feel bad. When you took her at her word, she threw it back in your face. She's clearly in the wrong.

Re the menopause, just because she had a hysterectomy in her 30s doesn't mean she actually had the menopause, just that there were no more periods. I had a D&C 4 years ago because of very heavy bleeding and cramps. But I'm now having awful hot flushes and mood swings (okay I have other issues too, which I won't go into here).

It's no excuse though. I don't allow my problems to affect the way I parent my DDs. It's not their fault after all.

My DM, though, made our life hell when she had problems with heavy bleeding, she took it all out on her DC. My DB once asked her, 'Why do we have to suffer because of your mood swings?' He was right, a parent is never justified in allowing their D.C. to suffer because of their own problems.

Everything you're saying is so true ladies!

Worst thing is LO scored a goal in football this morning, of course he wants to phone DGs to tell them - awkward! I've just dodged it and said oh no they are out shopping, blah blah blah!

LO and I just nipped to the shops and DPs were waiting to pull out of roundabout; LO spotted them and starts screaming through the car I scored a goal! Heartbreaking! X

To the person who commented I must be used to my own fair share of drama to sob in DPs arms - you're actually incorrect, however that said maybe based on the fact I'm pregnant and very hormonal perhaps that's why I reacted the way I did. Also, partly my reaction was perhaps because DP stuck up for me and 100% had my back - something which you can't buy and if you're ever in a situ when you need your DP to support you maybe you'll realise just how utterly lucky you are x

You have a lovely DP, it's so good that he has your back. My DH is like that, and my BIL too, he's very protective of my DSis. It does make it so much easier to cope with toxic parents.

Lydia48 Thanks for your kind comments. What you say about attachment disorder rings so true because I can remember getting into a terrible state if my dad did not come back until late. My biggest fear as a young child was that they both died and what would happen to me. I can see now it is a typical adoptee reaction.

I did try to contact my birth mother but she did not want to know me. She has two other children and the daughter she kept has not spoken to her for thirty years. So sad that some adults do not know how lucky they are and mistreat those they are meant to love.

I honestly cannot put into words how much I love my DP and how thankful I am of the man he is.

Lizzie48 sorry I meant you!

I would have phoned the police if someone started screaming at my pregnant partner move out and go no contact she's insane, toxic and abusive.

I think she felt embarrassed because she'd said all those things and then you took it as a no and it made her look bad to DP. Then she massively overcompensated because she knew she was wrong in the first instance.

Regarding apologies, one time as I was leaving my mum's house after an argument, I started a sentence with "I'm sorry" and went on to say "but (insert explanation of why she was unreasonable)".
She used the pause to say she accepted my apologies, but immediately realised I wasn't apologising as we spoke at the same time. It was kind of funny. They always expect you to apologise and rarely realise their own behaviour.

50 is hardly too old either, my mums older than that and I'm only 23....

Your DP is brilliant.
Your parents are horrible.

From what has been said by OP it seems that things might be going one way only. Parents/Mum have in some way helped financially to give them a house to live in. Parents also collect child from school and have child for a few hours. Parents babysit on the odd time if couple go out.
My question would be does the OP or OPDP do anything for the parents in consideration of them being older and helping with things as above?
I may be projecting but it is something to be considered. Parents as much as they love adult child and grand child can feel taken for granted.
Grabs tin helmet

Late 50s/60s is hardly old.
They won't need much help now, if at all. They might need inn their 80s, though, and will then complain of lack of support from the daughter they alienated.

Glad you have your house sorted legally. I think the best thing you could do is take a mortgage and make the place your own! If there is that much drama over childcare the house situation could be very difficult.

If she's not normally like this then I do wonder if she is menopausal or having some kind of breakdown or something.

Why won't you let your son ring his grandparents? Don't punish him for your argument.

Honestly I think you should ring her and ask her what the fuck was that about.

Your mum sounds unhinged.

Dp on the other hands sounds amazing.

Don't engage with her.

If she starts screaming down the phone say calmly that you will not talk to her until she calms down and hang up.

Don't cry or scream yourself - she wants you to lose control because that tells her she has the power. By being calm and dismissive she has no control.

Minimise contact I'd say is a good call. They may love LO but as she's so controlling and manipulative her influence is not healthy for your child.

Is DPs family nice? Do you have some good friends? I hope so.

I really feel for you OP.

Lweji - A parent does not need to be in their 80s to need help. Illness can strike at any age. Somethings are easier done by two people rather than one. Parents might like to be treated as people rather than providers of money and or services.

Brrr I'd say she was cross as you repeated what she'd said. She tried to control you on the phone, you agreed and did what she was clearly asking. Then when she finally in her magnificent bounty agreed you repeated what she'd said (in a totally non-confrontational way), she hated it as she wanted to be the one making decisions about whether or not you go out, just like happened when you were a child. To bring up the adoption to remind you of the element of control she has through choice is vile. I'm reading Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward on the recommendation of Mumsnet and there is a whole section on control freaks. You might find it helpful x

Waiting for the next argument when we reconcile ladies.

DP messaged DM a few days ago asking if she was organising my baby shower as both his Mum and Sis had offered alongside my friends. Mum replied with she doesn't agree with baby showers blah blah blah, so in short no.

DPs Mum works in a lovely boutique hotel, so I've caught wind today that my baby shower has been booked at said hotel and DMIL, DSIL & Friends are taking control in organisation based on my Mums response.

I'm just waiting for Mum to moan she's not included, doesn't agree with baby showers, why are they bothering blah blah blah....

Again this just shows how lush my DP is & his family too! X

OP has made it clear they have her child at their own instigation on a Friday after school for 2 hours. Not to help out or so that OP can work, but because they presumably love him and want to spend time with him.

I don't get this obsession on MN with assuming that no grandparent could possibly be spending time with grandchildren because they want to, that it always equates to 'free childcare' for which one must display eternal gratitude. Since when was children spending time with grandparents 'childcare?'. What kind of a fucked up society is this where a family member spending quality time with a child is provision of a service and not just normal loving family life?

I'm not much younger than OP's Mum and I'm still raising my own kids. I'm also incurably ill. I consider myself neither too old nor too 'bad' to look after my children and I don't expect their fawning gratitude that I do it either.

I would no more scream in their faces than fly to the moon. Not normal behaviour and I think conflating it with the free childcare angle and that 50's is now elderly and infirm is minimising what she's done.

I do very little for DPs as they need very little help.

That said; DP has recently converted their garage to a useable space for them as he is a builder - free may I add, he'd never dream of charging them, I also take Mum out and about when need be if Dads in work.

Finally for the past 5 years I have cared for my DGM, as my father works full time (I don't, and of course have been on Mat Leave for some of this time!) I do this through choice and to help DF as he works full time and often appts are during the day, DM doesn't play any involvement in caring for her DMIL as she didn't do it for her own Mum (own Mum died quite young!) therefore she doesn't feel like she should be doing it for someone else's Mum!

I must add my DGM is particularly fuckin awkward but we love her immensely x

You're welcome, ElsieMc I'm really sorry that your birth mum didn't want to know. For all their inadequacies, my DDs' birth parents did love them, just not enough to make the necessary changes to their lifestyle. (Sadly the birth mum has 2 other DC, who have been adopted by different families.

@Lweji There is no suggestion that there are health issues, the OP's DF is still working by all accounts. But either way, there was absolutely no excuse for them to have lost it with their DD. And to bring up the adoption was horrible. I can't imagine my DH or me ever saying something like that to our DDs, because we would never want them to think we did them a favour by adopting them. That really is a disgusting thing to say.