I'm desperate, please help me fart before I explode

[OnTheporch]

Yesterday I had a flexible siggy camera thing up my arse. For anyone not familiar with these, they pump your intestines full of air in order to get the camera around.

After the procedure I looked 6 months pregnant and could not fasten my (usually too big) jeans.

I had a few farts, it went down a bit but was still very uncomfortable.

Today I was fine until I ate a sandwich at lunch, then it bloated right up again. No farts at all today and after having my tea, I now look 9 months pregnant. I'm so uncomfortable, walking around in pyjama bottoms, can't get comfortable on the sofa as my belly is in the way. I'm desperate to fart.

I will pay for any meds, food or drink anyone can recommend??! I feel like I'm going to burst. It's bordering on painful.

Get into a lift with several other people.

Seriously I do feel your pain I get IBS and I still remember the laparoscopy I had 25 years ago though that was more of a burping matter.I also recommend peppermint tea and sitting on the loo can help.

I used to get given a teaspoon of bicarbonate of soda in a glass of warm water. It tastes vile but would relieve painful, solid stomach of gas. Worth a try?
Hoping you've had a great big parp op! 🤞💨

Thanks for all the good (and amusing!) advice. I'm still laughing at the thought of slithering down the stairs on my stomach 😂

I had a few farts this morning when I got up, and I've been to gym and did a good one there. Just about to have a sandwich so we'll see if it has the same effect as yesterday. Currently, I'm back to being 4 months pregnant.

ChickenVindaloo2
Ooh, a live fart thread!

lol lol lol

Glad you're deflating albeit slowly, OnTheporch. I was concerned you had ballooned up Aunt Marge style and were now floating over suburbia.

I hope the sandwich didn't blow you up again. If it does, you know what to do - though I would say wear a crash hat in case you don't manage to brake as you near the bottom of the stairs. Good luck and God speed.

Going down the stairs on your stomach is a very good idea. I will employ it and end up having an uncontrolled descent, bashing my head to the front door, no doubt Or maybe I should crawl up the stair instead. It would be a good exercise. And exercise always helps too!

Thanks for the laugh op glad your feeling better

I've been farting like billy-oh this week because I've been eating salads with balsamic dressing.

I have one brewing at the moment actually.

Have you been on the Trump thread yet OP?

I've used my daughters gripe water before when she was little and that worked a treat.

Any foods that make you fart? Curry? Beans?

There used to be this veggie thing called Beanfeast. It was absolutely guaranteed to make you fart like mental. Not sure you can get it still, worth a look tho.

Slide down the stairs slowly face down on your stomach

I saw a drunk person do this once. She didn't fart at the end of it.

Make yourself a big bowl of bean, cauliflower, courgette and sprout curry for tea.

Windeze works well OP!

Can you do meditation or yoga? I ALWAYS fart doing either of these.

Go to the library.
It's horrific, I took an antidepressant* that caused trapped wind, I was in so much pain I almost took a knitting needle to my belly, I was seriously worried it would rupture or something.
Venlafaxine, nasty stuff.

IhaveBrilloHair I'm on that and haven't ever noticed any issues with wind, how strange.

Well farting is no longer an issue ... but now I have the shits ffs. Absolutely no appetite, still look puffy and bloated and shitting for England. IBS is the work of the devil

Oooh, thanks for the update! Just relax and let nature take its course!
Plenty of fluids now.

Anal sex with a sympathetic partner.

Give him a nose peg

If you can find any Jerusalem artichokes (or fartichokes as we call them)...

@Vivanne that's what is known as 'crop dusting'

Extra strong mints