I'm desperate, please help me fart before I explode

[OnTheporch]

Yesterday I had a flexible siggy camera thing up my arse. For anyone not familiar with these, they pump your intestines full of air in order to get the camera around.

After the procedure I looked 6 months pregnant and could not fasten my (usually too big) jeans.

I had a few farts, it went down a bit but was still very uncomfortable.

Today I was fine until I ate a sandwich at lunch, then it bloated right up again. No farts at all today and after having my tea, I now look 9 months pregnant. I'm so uncomfortable, walking around in pyjama bottoms, can't get comfortable on the sofa as my belly is in the way. I'm desperate to fart.

I will pay for any meds, food or drink anyone can recommend??! I feel like I'm going to burst. It's bordering on painful.

@ChickenVindaloo2 Nor my limericks

Excellent fake update Chicken!

Hmmm...early signs of labour then, OP.
Bet you blow the covers off the bed with a trumpet in the night!

Come back and update us soon!

Prune juice

I love a good limerick, thanks for sharing!

We need a Fart Club on MN.

Diet Coke .... it's full of fizz and will get things moving
Andrews liver salts
Peppermint tea

Dog humping op as they try to fart hope you feel better soon op.

Try a mug of boiling hot water (obviously let it cool a bit). But that tends to help with any trapped wind. Good luck!

Lay flat on the floor and wiggle like a snake - helps the wind I get with IBS.

I. Farted most of it out when camera came out which seemed to shock the man doing the colonoscopy and embarrassed me.

I did get fatty shoulder though.

Hope it improves OP.

Whoever said slide down the stairs head first on your stomach - that worked. Not because I actually tried it, but because I laughed so much at the thought of someone doing that 😂

I'm bloating back up again 😞 This is horrendous

farty shoulder

A shoulder-stand or a head-stand are good, if I remember correctly from my PE lessons.

I'm starting to suspect that some of you are actually trying to kill me ...

Ooooh, a live fart thread

Good luck OP.

Try some sugar free sweets. Polos etc.

Two packs of those and you'll be good to go.

I had a colonoscopy and had the opposite problem.

The procedure was over just before lunchtime and I was expected back at work in the afternoon.

I made it as far as the ladies' toilets just at the WRVS cubby hole.

Every time I thought I was 'safe', I pulled my trousers up, got out of the cubicle and washed my hands before feeling an overwhelming need to fart again.

Off I popped back into the cubicle to shart for England again.

I managed to get out of the toilet a couple of times, bought sweets and drink from the elderly volunteers in the WRVS tuck shop, before having to rush back to the ladies' to have another sharting session.

It took hours.

wonders if the daily fail will lift this one 🤔 💨😁

Any joy OP?

A fart warms the heart
To the bowels it brings great ease
It warms the bed on a wintry night
And suffocates the fleas.

Drink a pint of cold water. For some reason that gets things moving (doc's recommendation).

Deflatin. Took it into hospital when i had a hysterectomy.

Seriously if you're still struggling today (2 days post procedure if I've interpreted correctly) and still looking 9months and having pain I would see a doctor. 2 small farts is progress, but not enough by the sound of it. Your bowels only have a certain capacity (for want of a delicate way of putting it!) - once they get beyond that they may perforate.

I now have visions of a yoga class: "and now the downward dog" says the instructor as they don a gas mask in readiness...

Good luck OP

Go into an empty lift and press the button for the top floor.

If you're anything like my dear mother, you won't be able to stop yourself from doing a loud rip just seconds before the doors open and a young handsome man steps in.

Time for windeze or infacol- gripe water if needed!