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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings

188 replies

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 07:21

I bought a house 14 years ago. My husband insisted on having his name on the title deed. He gave up his job to be a house husband and I worked to pay for everything, bills, school fees, mortgage everything. He was a useless deadbeat dad, drank all day, never helped in the house so I ended up doing my full time job and most of the home stuff as well. We finally parted ways very very bitterly. The house was sold and the proceeds are in my bank account. He's moved to another country where he still has no job. He's demanding that I give him half of the proceeds from the house. I am still working and paying to support my kids who are now in uni. We are officially divorced. Because of where we live the judgement involved him paying me money, which I never persued. I'm prepared to send him a monthly stipend but my lawyer here says I'm not even obliged by law to do that. He sends me threatening whatsapp messages demanding 'his money'. If I block him he pesters our daughter. AIBU to keep the money where it is and invest it carefully for my kids future? Or send him his half to be squandered on booze?

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 26/05/2018 12:21

If you're not saying that then I don't see the point in stating that you bought the house - once his name was on the title deeds he owned a share and is entitled to the money from the sale. It's not fair, but it is the law.

As they have presumably been married for a couple of decades (I assume considering the children are adults) their house would be half his whether or not his name was on the deeds, depending on the law of the country.

gamerchick · 26/05/2018 12:29

So he doesn't want a lump, he wants it doled out to him monthly?

No way I would do that. If you really want to clear your mind and wash your hands of him then give him the lump and tell him not to bother you again. This is only because you've already tried to give him money and he rejected it in a lump though.

I couldn't be bothered with the whole thing.

Dungeondragon15 · 26/05/2018 12:49

He obviously did want it doled out monthly but perhaps has changed his mind now that he and OP have parted very very bitterly. More likely he wants the whole sum but OP doesn't want to give it to him. OP is very sparse on details though so who knows?

Original poster
cushion53 · 26/05/2018 12:52

@needmorespace oh my goodness. I think I've given plenty of explanation throughout the thread and am certainly not being scanty with the facts. I paint a damning picture of my ex husband indeed as he refused to go out to work to financially support us and now expects half of the money that I invested in the family home. I don't expect you to tell me anything I simply asked AIBU to try to protect future loss for me and my children so you just have to answer yes or no.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 26/05/2018 13:25

OP assuming you know mumsnet and aibu fairly well you'll know to expect a wide range of opinions/discussion not just a quick 'yes/no'.

In any case it's not a straightforward yes/no answer. You're not unreasonable to resent having to pay out to someone who you feel has done nothing in return but his name was on the house so he's legally entitled to that money you're 'holding'.

Dungeondragon15 · 26/05/2018 13:49

I don't expect you to tell me anything I simply asked AIBU to try to protect future loss for me and my children so you just have to answer yes or no.

It's not a "yes or no" answer though is it? It depends on the circumstance. You aren't protecting yourself against a "future loss" if it isn't your money in the first place. If you were married to him when you bought the house then half of it was his and half the proceeds from selling the house are his. It doesn't matter if he didn't contribute financially during your marriage or if you don't feel that he did enough around the house etc. From what you have said, he only asked you to "look after" the money but he didn't give it to you to keep. Therefore it is not yours.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 26/05/2018 14:23

But it’s not your money. Why are you holding onto money you agreed he could have? “The family home” is exactly that, he was married to you and living there and you chose not to leave him. Therefore half the house money is his. Regardless of how shit he was he gave up his job to stay at home you were ok with that, if you weren’t you should have left clearly you would have coped on your own. You didn’t leave, you owe him his share of the money. You are trying to justify keeping it when it’s your fault he wants it. You said he could have it now you are not. I hope he does take you to court, I hope he wins, you will have to pay his legal fees.

ReanimatedSGB · 26/05/2018 14:39

Initially I thought you were OK to tell him to fuck off. But if the agreement was that you would look after HIS share of the money then it is legally his, because that was the divorce settlement.
Your best option is to write him a check and block him from any further contact with you or the DC. Paying him a monthly sum (ie doling it out to him because he can't manage it by himself) just means keeping him in your life.

One way to deal with it, of course, might be to tell him this - he can take the lump sum (less what he owes you) and fuck off forever - or he can just fuck off: you are not his personal benefit system and have no interest in continuing contact or supervising his finances.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/05/2018 15:26

Gamerchick I am under the impression it is the other way round and ex wants the lump sum he asked her to look after. Whilst op wants to dole it out monthly.

protecting against future loss

That is what the word No is for.

AnathemaPulsifer · 26/05/2018 15:51

He's demanding that I give him half of the proceeds from the house.

He agreed to sell. I gave him a cheque for half the value. He gave it back to me saying it was too much for him to handle and I could look after it.

If you gave him he money and he gave it back to you to look after for him, why do you now regard it as your money?

LannieDuck · 26/05/2018 16:18

So at one point you both agreed to split the house proceeds with him. But now you've changed your mind? What's changed between then and now?

This sounds wrong to me. But I agree with those who say that you should discuss with your lawyer.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/05/2018 17:20

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings162Show OP

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings162Show OP

I don't want to give ex husband half my savings

Surely your thread title should read

I don't want to give ex his money back. AIBU

At no point is the money he wants your savings

mummmy2017 · 26/05/2018 17:28

He owes child support.....your allowed to deduct it from the amount..... he owes you quiet a lot...
What does he think kids eat......fresh air?

HellenaHandbasket · 26/05/2018 18:45

Who earned the money originally invested?

puffyisgood · 26/05/2018 18:51

he doesn't sound like much of a catch, putting it mildly, but, regrettably, probably does deserve pretty much half, just like a woman in that situation.

Original poster
cushion53 · 26/05/2018 21:20

Well once again ladies thank you for your opinions. Luckily for me I live in a country where real estate is not taken into account in a divorce case. Property held in joint names is regarded as an investment and if one party has not contributed to that investment they are not entitled to benefit from the profits.
I don't want to reveal my country of residence but ironically it is often portrayed in the media as a place where women have few rights. In my case the law has been completely on my side. AIBU? Probably yes. Am I following the letter of the law and the advise of my solicitor? Yes indeed. Thanks and goodnight.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 26/05/2018 21:28

Well once again ladies thank you for your opinions. Luckily for me I live in a country where real estate is not taken into account in a divorce case. Property held in joint names is regarded as an investment and if one party has not contributed to that investment they are not entitled to benefit from the profits.

So why didn't you say that to begin with? If real estate isn't taken into account what is?

bevelino · 26/05/2018 21:33

OP I feel that you have wasted everyone’s time.

danTDM · 26/05/2018 21:38

You don't sound nice at all. Or fair. Good luck to you.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/05/2018 21:50

I thought he gave you some money to look after and now wants it back. What has real estate and divorce got to do with anything

Original poster
cushion53 · 26/05/2018 21:51

Agreed a total utter waste of time and energy.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 26/05/2018 22:05

The legal advice is one thing, my conscience is another...

How things have changed in a day.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 27/05/2018 00:21

Well, don’t you sound like a twat. You’ve taken hold of his money which he asked and have now decided it’s yours. What a cunty thing to do. I’ll go as far as saying he probably wasn’t as bad as you are making out. What a waste of time and clearly you just wanted opinions so you could act smug after receiving them. Bet you’re gutted they didn’t go the way you wanted them to. Poor bloke.

HellenaHandbasket · 27/05/2018 08:25

For me it depends on whose money bought the house in part tbh. Did he contribute? It sounds like he only gave up work when you moved.

Singlenotsingle · 27/05/2018 08:30

Çant understand why you're even considering giving him any money! Keep it until and unless a court orders otherwise