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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings

188 replies

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 07:21

I bought a house 14 years ago. My husband insisted on having his name on the title deed. He gave up his job to be a house husband and I worked to pay for everything, bills, school fees, mortgage everything. He was a useless deadbeat dad, drank all day, never helped in the house so I ended up doing my full time job and most of the home stuff as well. We finally parted ways very very bitterly. The house was sold and the proceeds are in my bank account. He's moved to another country where he still has no job. He's demanding that I give him half of the proceeds from the house. I am still working and paying to support my kids who are now in uni. We are officially divorced. Because of where we live the judgement involved him paying me money, which I never persued. I'm prepared to send him a monthly stipend but my lawyer here says I'm not even obliged by law to do that. He sends me threatening whatsapp messages demanding 'his money'. If I block him he pesters our daughter. AIBU to keep the money where it is and invest it carefully for my kids future? Or send him his half to be squandered on booze?

OP posts:
CantankerousCamel · 25/05/2018 18:48

Give him the money minus what you’ve given him since the divorce and walk away

Sametimetomorrow · 25/05/2018 18:50

No idea why you are not taking the legal advice you have been given. Be careful it doesn’t come back to bite you.

InTheGhetto · 25/05/2018 18:50

Were you both nationals of the country in question, or expats, or what? Did you have totally equal access to qualifications and careers? Were there any restrictions on what either of you could do there?

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 18:55

@InTheGhetto strange question but yes we were both expats with no restrictions on what we could do here. And plenty of access to further education, courses, volunteering etc etc.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 25/05/2018 19:00

As I said in my op I will give him what I can afford monthly

Don't do this. You are feeding his habit that could be spent on his children's future which he will never contribute towards. He has to hit rock bottom before he can clamber out. Don't be the reason he continues to lazy.

You owe him nothing.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 19:04

You owe him nothing

Of course she does! OP owes his share of the house proceeds. She agreed to "look after it" (for some reason) which means that it isn't hers. OP, I don't get why you want to give him an amount each month rather than just pay it back so you can wash your hands of it.

GreenTulips · 25/05/2018 19:06

Because he'll spend it all on drink and com begging for more!

GreenTulips · 25/05/2018 19:06

Either that or he's in benifits and a lump sum will prevent him from claiming

persypear · 25/05/2018 19:07

Surely if you give him any money now then that will only open the floodgates and legitimtise his claim(s).

The law is obviously different being non-UK but if he hasn't paid a penny towards the kids and the original divorce said he owed you money, then I don''t think you owe him anything. Especially not headspace or guilt.

Listen to your lawyer.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 19:13

Because he'll spend it all on drink and com begging for more!

How do you know that he will come "begging for more"? At the moment he is just asking for his money from the sale of the house which is fair enough. It's his money and keeping it from him with the excuse that he will mispend it or that it should be saved for the children's inheritance is not right. It's not OP's choice to make. She is not married to him anymore and what he spends his money on is none of her business.

Lifeisabeach09 · 25/05/2018 19:34

If it was a deadbeat stay at home mum, I'd say the same: tell him to fuck off and block him. You don't need to be in contact.
However, if you feel he contributed something to the marriage and raising of daughter, give him a small settlement. Not half and not a stipend.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 25/05/2018 19:37

I don’t get why what he would spend it on matters? Surely if it’s his money and op said it was then why can’t he have it? So what if he comes begging for more? He will get told to fuck off and doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

Ethylred · 25/05/2018 19:41

Listen to your lawyer, who knows the law where you are, and not randoms on the internet who haven't a clue.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 25/05/2018 20:12

Exactly ! That’s what solicitors are for !

Ignore everyone and Listen the the lawyer

Sheesh

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 20:14

The lawyer hasn't said that he isn't entitled to the money though. They have just said that he would need to take it to court. Presumably, that would be to prove he didn't give OP the money and only meant for her to look after it. Who knows what he can or can't prove but considering OP has said herself it was his money, I think that she should give it back.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 25/05/2018 23:50

Your kids don’t need supporting through university. If you choose to help them, so be it, but they do not need it; they would cope fine without your support.

As I said in my op I will give him what I can afford monthly but invest the lump sum for the kids inheritance.

This is very, very wrong of you. That lump sum is rightfully his money; not your kids. You told him you would look after it - that doesn’t mean you get to withhold it now he’s asked for it back.

Jonbb · 26/05/2018 00:08

Dont give him anything. It may be similar to women who have children and choose not to work but it isn't is it. He didn't look after the house, drank, didn't contribute to the household so why would you? This idea of 'so called 'family money' is just that, an idea, as is the so called entitlement to 50 percent. In these circumstances, with you having the children he may be entitled to a small amount, maybe 10 to 20 percent, but frankly, if he wants anything he should go through the court. And after this length of time, and if the matter has already been adjudicated on in a different jurisdiction, I'm not sure he would get that. Dont give capital away unless forced, and after this amount of time he needs to go and get a job or another person who is (no offence intended) silly enough to support him.

Ruffian · 26/05/2018 00:20

Your wording is strange - I bought a house 14 years ago. My husband insisted on having his name on the title deed Are you saying he coerced you into putting his name on the deeds? Threatened you by saying he would separate you from your dc? If so you could have a case for witholding his share of the house sale.

If you're not saying that then I don't see the point in stating that you bought the house - once his name was on the title deeds he owned a share and is entitled to the money from the sale. It's not fair, but it is the law.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/05/2018 02:25

If a wife did this to her husband and then demanded he paid her pension effectively for the rest of her life what would you say

I am on another thread which posters are trying to say you are better off married as it gives you protection as the SAH spouse or lesser earner (usually the woman) and part of what you are entitled to is a share of your the higher earners pension.

I was saying a judge might award a share of the pension to the SAH spouse but in reality it is up to the working ex spouse to decide what they get.

You have just proved my point.

Even when you have money that belongs to your ex you won't let go of it.

Of course a lawyer is going to say let your ex take you to court to get what is his. I mean are these lawyers going to work for free.
If your ex does take you to court how much will that cost?

smurfit · 26/05/2018 06:25

Give him the original amount you offered with the cheque, or let him take you to court. Don't enable him to be a dropkick by giving him a monthly stipend. I don't think it's morally right to enable him in his ridiculous entitled life of drinking on the couch.

Tell him you consider any interest or inflation earned on the principle to be payment for managing his money for him.

Make careful notes of anything you do, keep records for evidence later and then ignore anything else until he does end up taking you to court.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/05/2018 09:50

Give him the original amount you offered

Shouldn't that read "Give him the money he asked you to look after for him"

Op as an observation you seem overly invested in how people handle their money.

Whilst it is great you are working an extra 10years to give your children a deposit for their first home. Will you have any input into what they buy or withhold the money if it is not what you want them to buy.

Even if your ex totals the lot on concert tickets to see the Spice Girls reunion tour or a round the world canoeing trip it is not up to you and if then he doesn't have anything and comes to you to sort out the answer is no.

You would only see him right if you want to be in charge of him.

needmorespace · 26/05/2018 10:41

This is all very strange indeed
Was the split in proceeds from the house declared in the divorce and that is why there is no ongoing 'settlement'?
You gave him the money, why? Was that part of the divorce deal?
You are being very scanty with facts and not answering any questions that might give you meaningful advice.
Seems to me that you have painted a damning picture of your ex husband, are holding the money he wanted you to look after as he presumably realised he would have difficulty with that amount and you are now looking for ways to justify keeping it. And you want us to tell you it is yours and you are entitled to keep it.

GreenTulips · 26/05/2018 11:15

OP Ian he from one of those countries where the father could've taken the kids and you'd never see them again?

You seem to have put up with this marriage for years longer than you should have.

Now the teens are able to make their own choices you aren't trapped by the marridge

What have you done with your share of the assets? Have you purchased a new home?

I think you are royly peed off with this situation and you should keep your solicitors advice and take it from there.

Don't feel guilted intonpaying him a monthly sum - the house proceeds is another matter.

Dungeondragon15 · 26/05/2018 12:17

Of course a lawyer is going to say let your ex take you to court to get what is his. I mean are these lawyers going to work for free.
If your ex does take you to court how much will that cost?

Exactly and if OP loses (and there is presumably a good chance that she will as even she admits that she agreed to "look after the money", rather than keep it) will she have to pay her exe's costs as well as her own? There seems to be an assumption by some posters that as he is an alcoholic he will be incapable of taking her to court but alcoholics sober up and he if does he may be more than capable of starting legal proceedings and willing to do so if it is a lot of money.

Dungeondragon15 · 26/05/2018 12:18

I meant alcoholics may sober up