Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings

188 replies

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 07:21

I bought a house 14 years ago. My husband insisted on having his name on the title deed. He gave up his job to be a house husband and I worked to pay for everything, bills, school fees, mortgage everything. He was a useless deadbeat dad, drank all day, never helped in the house so I ended up doing my full time job and most of the home stuff as well. We finally parted ways very very bitterly. The house was sold and the proceeds are in my bank account. He's moved to another country where he still has no job. He's demanding that I give him half of the proceeds from the house. I am still working and paying to support my kids who are now in uni. We are officially divorced. Because of where we live the judgement involved him paying me money, which I never persued. I'm prepared to send him a monthly stipend but my lawyer here says I'm not even obliged by law to do that. He sends me threatening whatsapp messages demanding 'his money'. If I block him he pesters our daughter. AIBU to keep the money where it is and invest it carefully for my kids future? Or send him his half to be squandered on booze?

OP posts:
Tertiathethird · 25/05/2018 09:34

Surely this kind of thing is decided by the law / courts on divorcing and it’s not about what anyone else thinks is fair?

Rocinante1 · 25/05/2018 09:35

Don’t.

You don’t need too - legally or morally. If he’s in a different country now, then he can’t even get to you to shout at you in person.

You’ve give him a lifetime to get himself sorted at his own pace, and get a job. He didn’t do that.

You don’t know what the future holds; anything could happen that would mean your kids need some financial help, and you won’t be able to do that if you give it to him. Don’t give him anything - once you start he will always harass you to increase it.

eightfacesofthemoon · 25/05/2018 09:38

You chose him as your husband, you married him. That house is half his. Especially now your children are older.
I don’t really think you have a leg to stand on (well here you wouldn’t) whether you think it’s fair or not.

greendale17 · 25/05/2018 09:38

but I will be working for at least another 10 years supporting my kids and building a pot to retire, while he sits doing nothing

^When are your adult children going to start supporting themselves then????

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 09:39

Rocinante1 you hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 25/05/2018 09:39

I’m surprised if the house was in joint names the Solicitors paid the net proceeds of sale in to your sole account without his authority

This

Which ever country you live in. Whether you were married, divorced, 2nd uncles twice removed or living together.

How did you end up with all the proceeds or did it go into a joint account and you whipped it out immediately

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2018 09:39

What does your solicitor say he’d get if he took you to court. I’d give him that and nothing more. Even if that’s nothing.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 25/05/2018 09:40

but I will be working for at least another 10 years supporting my kids

Your kids are adults. They should be supporting themselves.

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 09:41

Green dale in this day and age?? Who knows.

OP posts:
Threepe · 25/05/2018 09:42

I don't think you owe him anything if you are already divorced leave it he will hopefully realise he is getting nothing , it's easier said than done leaving a marriage I understand that you waited till kids were older, try to ignore and get on with your life

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 25/05/2018 09:42

“In this day and age”? Really, OP? Most (if not all) functioning adults can support themselves without financial help from their parents.

Rosielily · 25/05/2018 09:44

I'm prepared to send him a monthly stipend but my lawyer here says I'm not even obliged by law to do that.

That's your answer in your own post. Clearly you are outside the UK so any discussion about what would happen in the UK is irrelevant. I assume you trust your lawyer where you are? And please ensue you get everything that lawyer says in writing.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 25/05/2018 09:46

The fact that he's a deadbeat drunk is irrelevant (in the UK).
We'd all be in trouble if men suddenly started being able to pay divorce settlements based on what they thought we had contributed to the marriage!
The courts need to decide.

YouTheCat · 25/05/2018 09:56

If it wasn't set out in the divorce that he should receive part of the money from the house sale, then he's not entitled to anything.

He won't pursue this through court as that would require effort.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 25/05/2018 09:59

It’s frustrating but he gave up his job to be a house husband, and he has his name on the house deeds. If the situation were reversed and a woman had given up work to allow her H to work hard and earn the family money people would rightly be saying that she deserves half of everything (if not more) - regardless of what a shit job her ex says she did of the housework. The fact that you had live in help has obviously made his life easier so any settlement should reflect that, but as you referred to him as a SAHD I presume his presence at home added something to your family life, even if only the ability to travel for work while one parent was still there etc.

FWIW my DP’s ex was a SAHM and an alcoholic and he is resentful of having to give her money as he knows it goes on wine not DCs school shoes etc (he buys them everything they need, clothes, clubs, all Xmas/bday gifts from him and mum etc). However he still gave her a large sum, even though they weren’t married and she wasn’t legally entitled to it, because it was the right thing to do, on top of child maintenance (which technically he doesn’t need to pay either, as he has the DCs most of the time).

Predictably she has spent most of it down the pub and still comes to him asking for more money regularly, but he can hold his head high knowing he hasn’t shafted her, the mother of his children.

Obviously get a good solicitor and try to get yourself the best deal according to the law where you live, but if he’s entitled to anything, even if he doesn’t deserve it, then you will have to make your peace with that. No reason why you can’t make him work for it, but if taking you to court is going to cost him a lot, bear in mind that’s all money wasted too, albeit in solicitors’ pockets instead of pub landlords’.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/05/2018 10:03

If the sum is a large amount then it may be worth him taking you to court.

Can’t you offer him a settlement?

Surely if you go to court the price of that would also eat away at your savings

Dancingtothebeat · 25/05/2018 10:12

It’s amazing all these people (male and female( who are prepared to leave their kids in the care of useless incompetent drunks without doing anything about it or objecting until they ask for money...

Jaxhog · 25/05/2018 10:13

If you are divorced, I presume the house will have been taken into consideration as part of the final divorce settlement? So unless he can convince a court of his entitlement, you have no obligation to give him anything. Do as your lawyer advises, sit tight.

You have no moral obligation either. Don't let him harass you into giving him anything either.

bevelino · 25/05/2018 10:13

Lawyer here. The facts of OP’s post is missing important detail in order for any accurate advice to be given. There is no information about which country OP is located, which will determine the law to be applied. However there is a lot of information in the post about what a deadbeat boozer ex dh is.

I am not suggesting OP is being unfair to her ex dh but her post is highly selective in detail.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 25/05/2018 10:15

So you are divorced,out of that he should be paying you but isn't and you have let that go.Why would you want to give him money.He is an adult and his life is nothing to do with yours now.He has a relationship with your children which is separate.
Just get your solicitor to send him a letter to stop pestering you and that if he wishes to take you to court to bear in mind the terms of your divorce settlement were that he pays you but has not done so.
You can't stop him pestering your daughter,I'm afraid she has to deal with that one.

Boulty · 25/05/2018 10:19

As others have said imagine the response if it was a stay at home mother and a father who worked and 'bought' the house. The fact he was a useless SAHD is irrelevant so are some SAHM.

If this was a woman trying to get half of the proceeds of a house that was in her name and has now been sold... people would pour scorn on the man. Why is it so different if the other way around?

GnotherGnu · 25/05/2018 10:29

OP, why wasn't this sorted out when you divorced?

angryburd · 25/05/2018 10:43

Lol if this were a man posting about his wife, people would be baying for blood.

FelicitationsFacilitations · 25/05/2018 10:53

If the SAHM was a deadbeat who drank and refused to fulfil her half of the deal then no, I wouldn't be supporting her on this thread either. It's not gender, it's the deadbeat aspect.

Of course, I may be slightly bitter on the whole thing because I too married and worked my ass off to support a deadbeat - he didn't drink, but he didn't do ANYTHING, either. I'd be outraged if he had the cheek to try bleeding yet more money out of me now.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 12:30

If your children are now at university then you were married for a long time and the house was bought when you were married so of course you both owned it, whether or not he was on the deeds! How your assets were divided should have been sorted out on divorce though. Either the law is very different where you live (in which case no one can advise) or he was awarded half the house on divorce and you are just thinking of excuses not to give it to him...

Swipe left for the next trending thread