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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings

188 replies

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 07:21

I bought a house 14 years ago. My husband insisted on having his name on the title deed. He gave up his job to be a house husband and I worked to pay for everything, bills, school fees, mortgage everything. He was a useless deadbeat dad, drank all day, never helped in the house so I ended up doing my full time job and most of the home stuff as well. We finally parted ways very very bitterly. The house was sold and the proceeds are in my bank account. He's moved to another country where he still has no job. He's demanding that I give him half of the proceeds from the house. I am still working and paying to support my kids who are now in uni. We are officially divorced. Because of where we live the judgement involved him paying me money, which I never persued. I'm prepared to send him a monthly stipend but my lawyer here says I'm not even obliged by law to do that. He sends me threatening whatsapp messages demanding 'his money'. If I block him he pesters our daughter. AIBU to keep the money where it is and invest it carefully for my kids future? Or send him his half to be squandered on booze?

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 12:38

If the SAHM was a deadbeat who drank and refused to fulfil her half of the deal then no, I wouldn't be supporting her on this thread either. It's not gender, it's the deadbeat aspect.

So if a man was married to a SAHM for 20 odd years you would support him in not giving her a share of the house that they had bought when married because he said she didn't do any housework and drank. I am sceptical that there would be any support for a man in these circumstances. A massive case of double-standards.

Ohsuchaperfectday · 25/05/2018 13:07

I know someone who started to drink towards end of marriage because of years of emotional abuse within the marriage and a really hard time of it.

People who drink do so for emotional reasons.. Low self esteem, pain etc. If we love our partners, husbands, wives don't we try and help them, find out why.. Perhaps the other partner is solely to blame who knows but writing people off as dead beat drunks...

Pengggwn · 25/05/2018 13:09

Obviously any money he owes you should be deducted, but the house is his as much as it is yours.

Dinoraw · 25/05/2018 13:10

Yourself and your dcs need to block him.
By the sounds of it you don't owe him anything

ReanimatedSGB · 25/05/2018 13:24

If you trust your lawyer, and your lawyer has advised you that you do not need to pay this useless man any money, given that your DC are 18 and over, just block all contact. With any luck he will drink himself to death before he gets it together sufficiently to try taking you back to court.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 13:35

By the sounds of it you don't owe him anything

How do you work that out if they were married when they bought the house was bought and his name was on the deeds? Would you tell a man that he shouldn't pay his ex wife her share of the house if she was a SAHM and didn't do enough house work?

FelicitationsFacilitations · 25/05/2018 15:13

Can only go off what the OP says and based on that, if the dude's a deadbeat then no i dont think he's owed. If he came on spinning a tale of emotional abuse driving him to drink then i may sympathise with him.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 15:29

Can only go off what the OP says and based on that, if the dude's a deadbeat then no i dont think he's owed. If he came on spinning a tale of emotional abuse driving him to drink then i may sympathise with him.

Based on what the OP said, he owns half the house though because they were married when they bought it (I assume if the children are now adults) and his name is on the deeds. OP can't just decide that she doesn't have to give him his share because he doesn't deserve it and he drinks. It's half his property unless the court has decided otherwise.

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 16:30

Thank you for all your replies, even the critcism I have taken on board and it's given me real food for thought. To the poster who asked why I thought it was ok to leave my kids with a drunk I didn't. I had a full time live in helper. During the early part of my marriage when the kids were tiny My husband and I lived apart and I had help as I needed to work. His salary was not enough to support us. When we bought the house we moved in together and he gave up his job. I hoped to be able to do without the paid help, that he would take on all her duties but it quickly became apparent that he wasn't up for that. So he didn't work, would spend his mornings when the kids were at school by the pool drinking beer and smoking. He'd do the school run which was a 5 minute job, then lie around on the sofa in the afternoon while the maid did everything. When I got home I'd have the homework to sort etc. I told him I wanted things to change many many times. Begged him to do something, volunteer work, computer course, anything. He never bothered. If a wife did this to her husband and then demanded he paid her pension effectively for the rest of her life what would you say?

OP posts:
Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 16:33

He wants the equivalent of £3000 a month. If somebody offered me that, and I didn't have to work anymore, nor pay anything towards my kids, help them with their first home, etc I'd blooming bite their hand off.

OP posts:
Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 16:36

And to the posters who say my adult kids should be supporting themselves of course they will eventually but they are still at uni.

OP posts:
Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 16:40

I also fully take responsibility for enabling him to do what he did and the poster who wrote about emotional abuse struck a chord because in many ways I think I was the abuser and I'm distressed by that.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 16:42

Of course you shouldn't be paying him a pension. However, if the house was jointly owned by him and you bought the house while married to him then it is half his house isn't it? You can't just decide to keep his share because you don't think he contributed to when you were married. Who gets what would normally be decided on by the courts when you divorced. Did this not happen?

CantankerousCamel · 25/05/2018 16:45

This post is confusing.

How have you sold a jointly owned house without him?

FelicitationsFacilitations · 25/05/2018 16:48

Cushion i totally understand its very similar to my circumstances. Once you're in that house with them and theyve bred with you, theyve got you and can simpky nod and agree to plans and begging and then simply do nothing in reality, knowing you will pick up the slack for the sake of the children. Mine also blames me for his 'depression' which stopped him getting a job or doing housework which is weird because i thought id worked hard and moved heaven and earth to support him and facilitate his dreams, but maybe i was just an abuser? We're definately both better off out of the situation even though he now says new DP is 'lucky' to have said abuser Hmm

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 16:54

I told him if he didn't agree to sell the house I'd move out anyway and the bank would repossess it and the kids would get nothing. He agreed to sell. I gave him a cheque for half the value. He gave it back to me saying it was too much for him to handle and I could look after it. I dont know why he did that. I'm investing it carefully. He moved back to his own country and I pushed the divorce through on abandonment. The court ruled that he should pay me a paltry sum and that was that. I wasn't instructed to pay him anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 16:57

Felicitations yes, I 'pushed' him to give up his job and drove him to drink. I'm so much happier now, it's taken a long time.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 25/05/2018 17:00

Please, please talk to your lawyer. If they say you owe nothing, then you owe nothing. Not sure what country you're in, but in the the UK a divorce settlement is FINAL.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 17:00

He agreed to sell. I gave him a cheque for half the value. He gave it back to me saying it was too much for him to handle and I could look after it. I dont know why he did that. I'm investing it carefully.

So the court didn't take the house money into account as by then you had already divided it? If you just agreed to "look after" the money, then it's not yours. Just give it back now that he is asking for it and wash your hands of it.

ichifanny · 25/05/2018 17:06

I think it was family money to be honest and should be split in the house sale / divorce
Imagine a husband refused to give half to his wife saying she in his eyes pissed around all day or contributed nothing , there’s a lot of men who say that about SAHM’s

ichifanny · 25/05/2018 17:07

BUT if it’s already been through court and they said you didn’t owe anything I’d take it as child maintainance for the future assuming if he’s a deadbeat he will pay zero for your children

maxthemartian · 25/05/2018 17:09

I would say if your solicitor says you owe him nothing then pay nothing. He's sponged off you long enough.

bevelino · 25/05/2018 17:11

OP why don’t you return the money to your ex, minus the sum he owes you and be done.

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 17:12

Ichyfanny. Exactly

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 25/05/2018 17:18

He sounds like a lazy sod expecting you to pay for a live-in "maid" while he does nothing. However, plenty of expat females are the same - they love being able to exploit/order around some poorer woman from a terrible circumstance while they live the life of riely. However - you enabled this by paying for the "maid" (I hate that word, by the way). Just like men in the UK who have a housewife and pay for her to have a cleaner.

Whoever is at home, my view would be the same if there are no dependent children - 50/50 split on assets, but no spousal maintenance - the stay at home spouse can get a job and stand on their own two feet.