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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give my ex husband half of my savings

188 replies

cushion53 · 25/05/2018 07:21

I bought a house 14 years ago. My husband insisted on having his name on the title deed. He gave up his job to be a house husband and I worked to pay for everything, bills, school fees, mortgage everything. He was a useless deadbeat dad, drank all day, never helped in the house so I ended up doing my full time job and most of the home stuff as well. We finally parted ways very very bitterly. The house was sold and the proceeds are in my bank account. He's moved to another country where he still has no job. He's demanding that I give him half of the proceeds from the house. I am still working and paying to support my kids who are now in uni. We are officially divorced. Because of where we live the judgement involved him paying me money, which I never persued. I'm prepared to send him a monthly stipend but my lawyer here says I'm not even obliged by law to do that. He sends me threatening whatsapp messages demanding 'his money'. If I block him he pesters our daughter. AIBU to keep the money where it is and invest it carefully for my kids future? Or send him his half to be squandered on booze?

OP posts:
Calvinlookingforhobbs · 25/05/2018 17:19

I feel morally you are obliged to give give him something. His home was sold that is a fact. I understand he was useless but he should get something

eddielizzard · 25/05/2018 17:19

court ruled you don't owe him anything. use the money for your kids. he's an adult. he's responsible for himself. block him. if he pesters your dd, she can ignore his msgs regarding money or block him. set up an email address where he can reach you and get someone else to read them and forward only the pertinent ones to you.

you're well rid really aren't you?!

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 17:21

Thank you for all your advice. As I said in my op I will give him what I can afford monthly but invest the lump sum for the kids inheritance. I think even if I gave him a final settlement he would still pester me. This thread has helped a lot it has been interesting to hear all your opinions.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 25/05/2018 17:22

Please note OP is in Forrin.....

OP I think you should follow the legal advice you have been given. Nobody here can advise you as we don't know what country you are in.

I would block him. How old is the DD he messages? You say they are at uni so really she should be able to take a decision whether to block or not if he is annoying her.

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 17:24

The legal advice is one thing, my conscience is another...

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 25/05/2018 17:24

Nope court ruled you owed him nothing, you owe him nothing.

Enjoy your life with your children & don’t give him a second thought.

KickAssAngel · 25/05/2018 17:26

Those saying that if it were the other way around the woman would expect some money/posters would support her claim:

If the woman has almost NO contact with the kids, does nothing practically or financially to support them, and has already settled the divorce, I think that most people would say that she didn't deserve any money and should get herself a job.

Whether the proceeds of the house should have been split is a slightly different matter if the OP has been paying the ex support since then.

However, OP says "I'll have to work another 10 years to build up pension and support my children" - well, so do the rest of us. In fact, I'm expecting to work for another 20 years. Most people have to work for most of their lives, no matter what marriage they've had.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/05/2018 17:27

You paid him everything during your marriage by the sounds of it.

I would not even start a precedent of paying him a monthly stipend. How would it work? When will it stop?

Stop feeling guilty, use the money to invest in yours and your children’s future.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/05/2018 17:29

Personally I wouldn’t be worrying about him if he was as bad as you say. He had your conscience working for far too long whilst you were married let alone now. If he has enough money to live, I’d invest it wisely for your children.

sabbath84 · 25/05/2018 17:29

Op can you clarify the divorce settlement ?. You said you gave him a cheque for half but he declined for the stated reasons. Was this part of the divorce settlement or off your own back ? .

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 25/05/2018 17:29

@cushion53, don't give him any money, he may come back .....
Seriously, forget him.

LittleOwl153 · 25/05/2018 17:30

The problem with going against the legal advice you have is that they will be less likely to assist if you have further problems with him. If you give him anything then any future legal challenge he makes will likely suggest that you think he is entitled. What happens when you retire or stop work for any reason - would you still have to pay him out of whatever savings you still have at that point. Do you still want him chasing you or even have reason to contact you in 5, 10, 25 years time?
There are rights and wrongs to any legal separation system. But you have to go with the one you used otherwise I think you are storing up problems for the future.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 17:31

The court may have ruled that OP didn't owe her DH anything but did they know that she had all the proceeds from the house? It seems that they did divide the money but now rather than just "looking after" his share, OP has decided to keep it. I don't think it is hers to keep if that wasn't the agreement. She should give it back.

smudgedlipstick · 25/05/2018 17:32

If this was a man he would be absolutely pulled apart for not giving the wife most of the money from the house. Your a bunch of hypocrites

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 25/05/2018 17:33

Lol if this were a man posting about his wife, people would be baying for blood.

No they wouldn't. If this were a man posting about his wife people would be posting "if this were a woman posting about her husband....."

Just say what you think, without all the whataboutery...

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 17:38

What was the divorce settlement. Did the court know that you had all the house proceeds and that they had not been divided? If the ruling was based on the fact that the money had been divided then you need to divide.

RedHelenB · 25/05/2018 17:40

He agreed to sell and owned half the house. He asked you to keepthe money for him. The answer is very simple you post him a cheque for half the amount or do a bank transfer and then that is the end of the matter. Otherwise you have stolen his money.

ReanimatedSGB · 25/05/2018 17:40

If you gave him a cheque and he gave it back, I think it might depend how long ago this was, and if there is any record of what was said (again, don't know the law where you are.)
If there is a record of him asking you to look after it for him then I think it might, legally, still be his. If he said he didn't want the money, then I think there might be a time limit after which he can't come whining back saying he's changed his mind.
However, if you've got, in a bank account somewhere, the sum which was agreed in court to be his share of the house, I think you would be best off giving him that amount and then blocking any and all contact with him. If he proceeds to drink himself to death without remarrying or having any more DC, then what's left will come back to your DC anyway.

Original poster
cushion53 · 25/05/2018 17:40

@KickAssAngel yes I will be working for the next 10 to 20 years but my ex husband isn't prepared to. Not fair.

OP posts:
Goldilocks3Bears · 25/05/2018 17:47

So ignore everyone giving you grief here about your motives for being with the man in the first place. Whatever. It happened.

Now, take your solicitor's advice and if he starts threatening etc. or badgering your children, then you can consider cutting off that contact.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/05/2018 17:54

yes I will be working for the next 10 to 20 years but my ex husband isn't prepared to. Not fair.

If he will be able to live off his half of the house proceeds without working then you could too couldn't you. You don't have to help your children out with house deposits etc

Mrsfluff · 25/05/2018 18:07

Honestly? I wouldn't give him a penny. Look after yourself and your children and be thankful you are shot of his useless presence!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 25/05/2018 18:32

Wait, he asked you to hold onto his share and now you have deciddd to keep it She he now wants it? For that alone I’d give him it. He sounds a twat but you shouldn’t have held it for him if you were not planning on giving it to him.

PrimalLass · 25/05/2018 18:46

yes I will be working for the next 10 to 20 years but my ex husband isn't prepared to. Not fair.

So why on earth are you going to give him money every month? He's not your problem.

SandyY2K · 25/05/2018 18:48

If your lawyer says not to give him anything...then don't. You pay for legal advice for a reason. It doesnt make sense to ignore it.

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