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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is using stress leave for chilling out?

284 replies

Skylight23 · 25/05/2018 03:48

Not a friend, I know her quite well because her DS and mine have been friends for a long time. She is a doctor with NHS and her DH has a city job.
She has been on and off on stress leave for a few weeks. Her younger DS is doing 11plus this year and her brother’s family is visiting them for 2weeks (from USA). She told me the other day that she is struggling to manage everything and she might go to the GP and cry to get some time off. She has been shopping, spending time with her brother’s family. Also hot housing the younger one with tutors. She can’t take him to this particular tutor if she works (tuition 4pm to 6pm). So much for being stressed! She isn’t stressed. She just has soo many other things that she wants to do, that work is coming in the way! I won’t be surprised if she gets stressed again in August (school holidays, summer days on the beach, 11plus, childcare costs). She always hated the fact that she has to work (in debt to eyeballs). She gets really pissed about her DH not making enough for the lifestyle they want. Makes jealous comments about SAHMs at school.

AIBU to want to report her? I must admit I’m jealous. I too wanted time off when DS was doing 11plus, I too wanted paid time off when my family visited (without having to use my holiday entitlement), I too want time to generally chill out. But my conscience won’t permit this “crying at the GP” thing.

OP posts:
SweetCheeks1980 · 25/05/2018 05:43

Personally I don't care if the woman in your post gets herself signed off work...
However, I have overheard my colleagues at work saying they need time off in school holidays etc and the solution always seems to be "go cry at the doctors and get yourself signed off with depression, babe."

daisychain01 · 25/05/2018 05:52

OP comfort yourself that if this woman is getting signed off with stress and taking multiple periods of sick leave, it's going to make their attendance record at work look a mess and they will be dragged through the attendance management process and be quizzed about their health.

Hopefully that thought will make you feel a whole lot better.

feathermucker · 25/05/2018 05:55

But your conscience allows you to judge her?! You sound incredibly judgmental.

It is none of your business.....in any sense.

You're no friend.

grumpymoominmoo · 25/05/2018 05:58

Not sure why you're comparing her to yourself. What do you want a medal?

Some people cope with things others don't.

If you want to report her for having a medical certificate saying she has stress - go ahead, unless she's been on disability allowance for years (which are stupidly hard to pass the test to keep them) and is jet setting all over - you'll be laughed at I hope for reporting that a woman's dr said she's sick enough for some leave!

FreeMantle · 25/05/2018 06:02

Mmmm. I don't know why everyone is being so aggressive to the Op.I'd be interested to see the statistics that showed people refused stress notes from their doctors. I'd imagine they are given out fairly freely as what can a doctor judge stress on apart from the patients recount?

I actually do have a friend who takes the piss. She is always off with stresss or a recurring injury. Luckily for her, neither stop her social life or holidays. We openly discuss her issues. She sees doctors as a first resort rather than a last. I think she's wrong, she thinks she's right.

Pengggwn · 25/05/2018 06:03

This is very strange. How about minding your own business?

MsGameandWatching · 25/05/2018 06:04

Report to who exactly? Confused

You are being ridiculous by the way.

feathermucker · 25/05/2018 06:06

I was signed off sick with stress on 2 occasions last year.

Outwardly, I probably appeared reasonably well, if a little quiet. Inwardly, it nearly killed me. I had to function with an outward appearance of relative normality as I have a child I am solely responsible for.

If she's not a friend as you say, but more of a casual acquaintance, then there will be much you are not privy to. You don't know her.

pasturesgreen · 25/05/2018 06:08

OP, you sound either extremely dense or just deliberately misconstruing what everyone else is telling you to suit your narrative.

Since you seem determined to go on believing YANBU, I'll leave you to it. Must be a very sad life you lead.

flippyfloppyflower · 25/05/2018 06:09

Is this a wind up? Surely the OP cannot be real.

OP: So if it is real what difference does it make to you personally and directly? What this woman does has no impact on your life so why should you care? Flipping Nora I suggest that you try acting like a grown up and you will feel better.

QuinnElle · 25/05/2018 06:12

Crawl back under your rock, op. You're being a bellend.

acatcalledjohn · 25/05/2018 06:20

She is using stress leave for her lifestyle choices. If that’s considered fair, I should change my thinking and plan my life too accordingly.

If she jumped off a cliff would you follow?

Unless she is blatantly breaking the law them stay the fuck out of it. You don't know what was said in her conversation with her GP. Stress is stress and once it affects work it is reason to get signed off.

People forever falsely claim whiplash in minor car accidents to get money. I didn't. Because I'm not a scamming cunt and although I could have done with an injury payout, I wasn't injured. I didn't follow the crowd and claimed anyway.

Just stop emulating Kevin the teenager with your "it's not fair" behaviour.

ChasedByBees · 25/05/2018 06:21

I think you should count yourself lucky you don’t understand what stress, to the point where you need weeks off work, is.

Someone with stress may be running on adrenaline and appear absolutely fine to an acquaintance. She’s not a friend as you say so she won’t have described her symptoms to you.

Focus on yourself and your own situation and leave this poor woman alone.

Graphista · 25/05/2018 06:28

Op people like you make it harder to lose the stigma of MI for people like me.

MI is not a "get out of jail free card" you BARELY know this woman and cannot possibly know the full reasons behind this.

If your life is causing you stress deal with that but leave her the hell alone.

Re GP's supposedly giving sick notes out like sweeties - as if! They're regulated like any profession and would soon be in trouble if that were the case.

The types to try and swing the lead are easily seen through, don't ask directly for a sick note, and most GP's know how to handle them.

GalwayWayfarer · 25/05/2018 06:29

AIBU to want to report her?

Yes. How can you not see how unreasonable and ridiculous this is?

Stress isn't one size fits all. Just because you would manage fine with a particular level of pressure doesn't mean another person would. And NHS doctors have some of the highest rates of stress and depression for any profession.

One of the hardest things about stress is that life doesn't just stop when you feel like you can't manage. You still have to get your children through their exams and see your family. And on top of that, you might well attempt the odd shopping trip etc to try and improve your stress levels.

Her GP has signed her off, which means a medical professional (something you are not) has assessed her and decided that she needs time. You know nothing about this except for your own jealousy and prejudices.

Stop being spiteful and vindictive. It isn't up for you to decide you know better than her and her GP. The amount of leave she has doesn't affect you in any way. You stand to benefit from reporting her in no way except that you would enjoy seeing another person brought low. That is really, really nasty.

ichifanny · 25/05/2018 06:32

Don’t be an asshole it’s none of your business for all you know she could be crying herself to sleep every night . Absuoteoy vile considering reporting someone when you admit yourself you barely know her .

Redglitter · 25/05/2018 06:39

I was signed off with stress several years ago. Things at work were getting on top of me. I went to my GP and as soon as I started talking burst into floods of tears. I cried for about 10 mins solid.

I was signed off with stress. I wasn't given stress leave. I was deemed unfit to work.
The one thing my GP emphasised was I wasn't to sit in the house. I was to get out and do things and go places

Thankfully No one I know was as nasty and judgemental as you

Hideandgo · 25/05/2018 06:40

Lol at all the indignation. I know someone who is doing similar OP. But do you know what? I don’t care. You only live once and her making her life easier or more comfortable is not something I could criticise. Life is shitty and we’re all on a hamster wheel. Taking advantage a bit to get off is fine with me if you can work it. Take a look at the way companies and organisations take advantage of us and it doesn’t seem so bad. There’s no prizes for work ethic or loyalty in the grave.

x2boys · 25/05/2018 06:42

I think if the 11 plus is causing you both do much stress you should think about wether you should be putting your kids in for it (not had grammar schools in my town since the early 80,s and yet somehow we manageHmm) but other than that if her Gp has signed her off with stress in not sure why you think you no better? If she was claiming to have a bad back and you had spotted her limbo dancing you may have a point , but you can't determine someone else's level of stress as you are not in their head .

FreeMantle · 25/05/2018 06:42

GP has signed her off, which means a medical professional (something you are not) has assessed her and decided that she needs time. You know nothing about this except for your own jealousy and prejudices

Again though, how many GP's refuse to sign off with stress? Unless someone was an obvious blagger it would be very hard for a GP to assess a persons " limits" without lengthy psychological tests.
A 10 min GP appointment can only go over the most basic indicators of stress surely?

Ninjamilo · 25/05/2018 06:45

What a vile person you are OP

I was signed off with stress for a bit not too long ago - to everyone else at work I was absolutely fine and was the person who just got on with things despite my workload tripling. Some of us don't want the whole world to see how much we're struggling and just carry on with a smile on our faces.

x2boys · 25/05/2018 06:47

it doesn't really matter though FreeMantle If the Gp agrees you are stressed then workplaces have to take that on board in the NHS they would send you to occupational health anyway after a while .

ememem84 · 25/05/2018 06:47

I was signed off with stress a few years ago. During that time I went riding, cinema, spa etc. Then went on holiday.

I was stressed at work to the point of not being able to sleep at night.

Was I doing stress leave wrong?

GoodAfternoonSeattle · 25/05/2018 06:48

Genuine question OP. Are you feeling stressed yourself but feel unable to take time off to resolve it? Only if you actually are an actuarian, that is a highly stressful job.

Also, as an aside, let’s not pretend it’s difficult to persuade your GP to sign you off. It ain’t.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 25/05/2018 06:49

To be fair to the OP, it does sound as if the colleague is taking the piss. We all have times when it feels a bit too much and we have a lot on. Doesn’t mean you get two weeks off.

No point reporting OP though as impossible to prove she isn’t stressed. Anyway, she will only get away with it so long.

I was signed off last year for two weeks because my workload was utterly horrific. I would arrive at work and have palpitations at how much I had to get done. The time off gave me the recovery time I needed to to tell work “enough”