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Original poster

Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

986 replies

strawberryperogi · 24/05/2018 17:10

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

OP posts:
JacintaJones · 24/05/2018 18:17

Sounds good to me.

If I had my time again I would possibly attach myself to a wealthy man and do it too.

I'm financially independent and all this entails is working most of the time.

Copperbonnet · 24/05/2018 18:17

They are literally though if they call themselves a stay at home wife aren't they?

They don’t call themselves stay at home wives though.

To turn the question around a bit.

Could those who disapprove of this type of women be friends with someone who didn’t work because they independently wealthy? So a millionaire that doesn’t work?

Because it’s not that different.

FullOfJellyBeans · 24/05/2018 18:17

They are literally though if they call themselves a stay at home wife aren't they? Errrr no if you describe yourself as a cleaner or a traffic warden or a supermarket worker does that define who you are or does it just define your profession?

Flomper · 24/05/2018 18:17

I often wonder when people start these kind of threads whether they genuinely want people's honest thoughts and opinions, so that they can assess how likely it is that their RL acquaintances are secretly judging them for example, or do they just want the self validating, politically correct response? I'm happy to give either.

ScreamingValenta · 24/05/2018 18:19

So taking money off a man instead of the state is fine.

Yes - the man has a choice in the matter.

Carolynnnna · 24/05/2018 18:19

I attended the funeral of a SAHW recently. The eulogy went something like, "She was really supportive of her husband, fitting around his working hours and looking after the home for him. She was a happy little soul. She liked her neighbours. The end." I thought it was quite sad. She didn't seem to have been a person in her own right.

Would the following eulogy be any better?

"She was really supportive of her boss and kept his diary in order and his desk tidy. She was the life and soul of the office. She liked her colleagues. The end."

FullOfJellyBeans · 24/05/2018 18:20

If your spouse was a high earner and your potential salary was insignificant in comparison then I don't see why you would work unless you had a career you loved. You're just taking a job from someone who might actually need it. Lots of people do jobs they don't like because they need money. I would however volunteer or do something with my time or I'd go insane. That said I wouldn't judge anyway even if they didn't do those things as long as they were a kind person and didn't harm anyone.

Pa1oma · 24/05/2018 18:21

More or less everyone so know has children, so I don't know anyone in the category of SAHW yet. I do however know a lot of long-term SAHMs, many of whom have all school-aged DC now. I would say it's the "norm" at the London prep mine attend / attended, though it's harder to know what mums do or don't do once the DC get to secondary age because there is much less contact.

I'm early 40s and haven't worked in a paid sense since I was 30. I guess I might be considered a SAHW in another 10 years or so, though I think my husband will have mainly retired by then too.

I know quite a few situations where neither parents really work - as in showing up for a particular job. Usually the DH has made a lot of money and now manages an investment portfolio or something like that. The DH and wife have their interests and seem to have no difficulties whatsoever filling their time! Why not, if you can afford it?

ChinaRose · 24/05/2018 18:22

I too won't return to work once kids are in school. I love being in the home, staying on top of things. Looking after the garden, doing odd bits of DIY. By taking care of things during the week, our weekends are free to do whatever we please and not catching up on house jobs. It's really nobodies business but our own! Once the kids are both in school I plan to do alot more fitness classes and reading. My dh job swallows up most of his time so I'm happy to keep things running smoothly for our family. Don't like it?

grasspigeons · 24/05/2018 18:23

why should someone work on principle?

I have a friend whose spouse brings in around a million a year after tax. What is the point of her going to work in Sainsburys so you can 'respect' her. Her spouse didn't always earn this. At one point she out earned him as an employee un a mundane job whilst he had his own business that grew and grew.

FullOfJellyBeans · 24/05/2018 18:23

There's probably not much they could say that would make me respect them That's just incredibly judgemental. Would you respect her if she went to do a menial job she hated? What would the point be?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 24/05/2018 18:25

I was absolutely miserable as a SAHW (not my choice but due to my ex getting a job abroad and work permits taking a life time to arrive)..

I hated it. It is lonely and boring. I had plenty of friends, met for lunch twice a week, had hobbies, did plenty of exercise but still it was boring and lonely as hell. I missed the regular challenge of a job and being surrounded by people.

But the main damage is that, while your husband is out there “developing” himself, you are sitting at home with a world that is shrinking around you and becoming more and more trivial. At some point you may look up and realise that your husband and you have grown into different directions and no longer have much in common.

My exh and I parted, initially, in good terms. So people often asked me what brought us apart. My answer? He was traveling the world with his career, meeting people that were world leaders in his area, he was going through all those achievements and coming back home with amazing stories. What could I tell him about my day, that I was all excited because I taught the dog to sit in 3 biscuits? That the flower pots were so dry the soil started floating when I watered them?

QueenOfMyWorld · 24/05/2018 18:25

Exactly ChinaRose

Barbie222 · 24/05/2018 18:25

Don't mind, but I wouldn't take the risk myself. It's one of those things that won't impact on me so why care?

That said, life slows down a lot when you're not doing work and kids, so I might be a bit too manic to keep a SAHW good company.

Esspee · 24/05/2018 18:27

If they and their husband are happy that way then I consider it none of my business.
Now if you want to ask about women who have children which they then farm out to others to bring them up seeing them briefly mornings, evenings and weekends .........(but that's another subject)

QueenOfMyWorld · 24/05/2018 18:27

ScreamingValenta I don't take it off him I'm married to him we share everything

senioritabonita · 24/05/2018 18:27

I don't have a generalised opinion of them - they aren't a uniform group

Pippylou · 24/05/2018 18:27

I tell people I'm a housewife.

I am astonished by some of the comments in this thread. Talk about snotty and judgmental. So sad really, that people aren't judged by their deeds, not their paid job.

PorkyPortia · 24/05/2018 18:28

well said ChinaRose

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2018 18:28

well said pratrocket sex is not a requirement of marriage

Actually legally it is, at least once. Consumation is still a legal requirement of straight marriage and either party can seek an annulment if the marriage is not consummated. It's appalling. It isn't a legal requirement of same sex marriage, just straight marriage.

And until marital rape was made Illegal, the law stated rhe husband had the right to sex with his wife. Legally he had the right, and consummation is even legally defined, it is full penetration of the vagina by the penis. Up until marital rape became illegal, I think in the eighties, a husband had a right to his wife's body.

When marital rape was made Illegal the government sought to remove the legal requirement for consumation and the Church of England asked for it to stay. The government capitulated and said yes. As such, today, in straight marriage, sex, at least once is in fact a legal requirement.

crispysausagerolls · 24/05/2018 18:28

It's awful how judgemental people are about other people's lives.

After working FT for several years I dropped down to PT when DH and I moved in together as he works ridiculous hours at a very challenging but highly paid job, and it was a mutually wonderful decision as I got to be around the house more which I loved, and he could rely on everything at home being done/took a lot of pressure off him. As soon as I got pregnant we both agreed I should quit my PT as I will be a SAHM and it worked out better for timing reasons to do so. So for several months, waiting for the M part to kick in, I have been a SAHW. I have found every day to be filled and meaningful, and really enjoy the arrangement, as does my husband. I don't see that it is anyone else's business. One friend of mine I'd had for 10 years decided she couldn't get over me not working anymore and couldn't respect me. Happily we are no longer friends, as I could not respect someone who was SO nasty and judgemental of a friend, and could not respect their life choices.

AssassinatedBeauty · 24/05/2018 18:29

Bloody hell @Esspee, don't hold back from saying what you think about working mums? What about working dads who farm their kids out and only see them briefly? What's your opinion of them?

MaisyPops · 24/05/2018 18:31

Each to their own, but I would probably find it hard to connect with someone on a real friendship level who has such vastly different approaches to things.

I find the idea of someone staying at home and being a lady of leisure (or man) to be an alien concept and very much like they are quite happy to have someone else fund their lifestyle. It seems like they are 'takers' in relationships (whereas a SAHP is equally contributing in a different way that isn'r paid employment). Usually it seems quite self centred too as in 'i do house admin and then go to the gym, see friends, do hobbies' etc whereas people I know who have retired early tend to be highly involved in volunteering and community activities.

For me, the idea of someone overinflating basic household chores and having someone fund their hobbies is probably not the type of person i would have much in common with.

FleurDelacoeur · 24/05/2018 18:31

Families work in lots of different ways. I find the "i wouldn't know what to do with my time" comment totally baffling - if I had no kids and didn't work I would have LOTS to do with my time.

If a couple decide that one of them is going to stay at home supported by the other and look after the house or do whatever, and both of them are happy with that, crack on. Their choice - as long as they're living off one salary and not claiming to fund it.

I've not worked outside of the house for 15 years. I work part time, at home for myself. I can't see myself ever going back to a full time job, even when the kids are left home and at Uni. Works for us, we're happy with the situation and we don't get a penny in benefits and haven't for years.

Godowneasy · 24/05/2018 18:33

I see no difference between stay and home wifes and sahm.

There can be a huge difference! What about all the single parent mother's who stay at home, either on benefits or of independent means?
They aren't 'wives' by definition.