Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

[strawberryperogi]

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

LipstickHandbagCoffee

So if your major issue with someone not working is their financial dependence and the risk that carries (rather than some inherent value to being a "worker"), then why does the answer have to be that both people in a couple work?

How about this hypothetical: My business takes off and starts making a lot of money. My OH works in supermarket and hates it, so I tell them to quit since I'm now making more than enough for both of us to live comfortably. Should they refuse and live a less happy life because they don't want to be financially dependent on another adult? If they're really so worried about future risk, they can just sign a contract (or just use the marriage contract, which covers this kind of situation pretty well I think), and start moving money from my monthly profit into their own personal savings account each month?

Maybe *Lipstick and her dh/partner earn about the same anyway, and would choose to do things that both could afford.
It's unfair to judge somebody on a choice that works for them.
There could be lots of reasons why it works better for them.
Me and dh have lived a different life to many people, if not most we know.
Our true friends realise that whilst not for them it works for us.
We should afford others the same.

Battleax my posts clearly refer to those situations where the relationship doesn't survive and the women are left extremely vulnerable in this situation. I totally accept that your relationship is going strong and that you've found a way between you both. Great. I hope it lasts. But what if it doesn't? I think I'd just like to see that if women are choosing this path, they do everything they can to ensure their security in the future - and that includes keeping up with workplace skills, even if not currently employed.

I'm not judging at all. All I said is I can't imagine living in a situation where we worried about splitting every bill and lending each other money and counting the pennies to make sure I'm not out by a few quid. To me it would add stress to my life and what about if one is made redundant? Are they still expected to contribute? I have no problem with other people arranging their finances however they choose but it would be very unappealing to me!

LitleLion

I do agree with your point, but think it depends on individual circumstances.
If me and dh split we could both afford a small 3 bed house outright.
My pt work and tc top up would just be enough.

However, another couple I know ended up in a small flat each, both big earners, but with debt, large mortgage, and little equity.
The more you have generally means more for the solicitors.

I don't think whether the woman works or not is always the determining factor in the result of finances after a divorce.

For some it is foolish not to be married or to be able to access all money.
Some men are bastards and will empty joint accounts, not pay maintenance, lie about earnings, and the many other complaints we see on relationship threads.
A woman would be mad to not guard against this, whatever her working situation.

So if your major issue with someone not working is their financial dependence and the risk that carries

How is that anyones concern other that the person taking that risk, if there is one?

Honestly, it's nobody's business. And that's it really.

I really don't understand how or why someone's value is at all linked to whether they work or not. There's SO much more to a person than their job.

Also, why do people struggle so much to be friends with people who are different to them. Doesn't it add to your life to have people in it who bring different opinions And experiences?

I still don't understand why anyone has any opinion about SAHWs
You do what you have to or want to and just accept other people do what they want or need to do.
Stop assuming they must be lonely or bored or need tranquilisers or drink a lot.
FFS,...if people aren't like you, it doesn't mean they are better or worse.
It's not better to have a job or career or stay at home...it's whatever you feel is right for you.

Opinionate and Gottagetmoving I totally agree.

However, there is a small minority on here which believes that it is everyone else’s business. Women who don’t work are somehow ‘letting the side down’ and putting the feminist movement back by several decades. How dare we?

Why is it women care so bloody much about what other women do? Most men frankly wouldn’t give a shit about other men’s lifestyle and financial choices. If I asked DH what he thought about a SAHH he’d just shrug and put on that ‘am I supposed to have an opinion on this’ facial expression.

I was a SAHW for a while. A man I knew said I was basically a prostitute.

I'm not bothered what other women do. It's none of my business and I hope they're happy with whatever choices they've made. I'm sure everyone is just trying to make the best out of their situation for their family/life.

Most men frankly wouldn’t give a shit about other men’s lifestyle and financial choices. If I asked DH what he thought about a SAHH he’d just shrug and put on that ‘am I supposed to have an opinion on this’ facial expression

My DP would too. He once commented that no one puts women down as much as other women do.

I just assume that it was an active choice that both partners are happy with and think no more about it...unless it is obvious that isn't the case.

However, I know a couple of women who are SAHW whose husband's aren't that happy about it and don't really 'pull their weight' in the partnership. Unsurprisingly, they aren't the kind of people that I'm very interested in spending much time with.

I also know SAHWs who I believe work harder than me and, without doubt, it enhances their families quality of life and they give a great deal to their community too.

DH tells me that his mum 'refused to work' when his dad wanted her to go back to help fund his older sibling at uni. She did find a p/t job after much angst and gave it up as soon as the sibling graduated (she was early-mid forties at the time). He describes the time when she had this job as awful (lots of tears and tantrums) - so much so he left home as soon as he could. As a consequence he doesn't have much respect for that type of SAHW (and no she never offers to have the GC or cook a family meal - all family meals are cooked or paid for by us).

I think a lot of this comes from the attitude that domestic stuff is not important.

Anything that’s classed as ‘women’s work’ is seen as lesser than ‘real’ manly man work.

So a woman can be at home with three kids, caring for an elderly parent, keeping everything running in the domestic front and it’s just as seen as nothing.

Until of course the man has to do it. Then he’s a hero

By all means feel free to say you don’t get separate finances,sold accounts etc
but don’t conflate it into being representative of a dysfunctional family unit
What is so noteworthy about not wholly sharing monies?i can’t see the big deal
For us,got together we lived in separate cities,diff unis. Then after few years lived together
In that time we had own monies,and maintained that when moved in

Joint account just didn’t come up,we were happy maintaining individual accounts

I have explained before,happy to cover again
Sole individual accounts
Joint account for mortgage,nursery,utilities,insurance, kids stuff etc.
Shopping he buys his food,I buy mine. I’m vegetarian, he isn’t. Different menus and menu planning
If we go out split bill by what we individually eat,drank.

A man I knew said I was basically a prostitute

Thank goodness a man came along with his manly view to put you straight.

When i met DH he was a corporal in the army and living in digs. I was on £38k and had my own flat in London (i'm older than him by a few years). The recession his and the arse fell out of my job and I was made redundant. His took off massively and we decided rather than me continue toward in NMW temp roles it would be more sensible to start a family and me to support him. His role means he travels lot, works long hours etc. In that time i also assist caring for his dad with dementia and support him writing his Phd. He fucking loves his job and would probably do it for free. He feels guilty leaving ME at home.

Recently he started making noises about him retiring to be an academic and me supporting him. I would be absolutely fine with this. However i did point out his £7k skiing holidays would be out of the window and he'd have to step up at home. He very much did not like that idea at all and we looked at jobs i could do and the salary round here is about £16k. Not quite the lifestyle he'd like.

I’m another “weirdo” with separate accounts. Largely because I’m lazy & I guess because there is sufficient money in our respective pots it’s never been an issue. We both have our joint accounts & our individual deductions come out of that. DH pays mortgage, bills & childcare. Now I’m working again I’ve taken over food & the cleaner. I’m also trying to save 1k a month to put towards home improvements. If we go out to eat one of just pays without thinking, I still think of our money as joint it’s just not physically.

Bit goady to me OP..

I get on with nice genuine people.
I don't take into context their jobs, if they have a good career, a shit career or they're a stay at home person.
I don't care about if they're wealthy or not so wealthy.

I don't judge

The problem with these type of threads is that they assume people are some sort of homogenous cardboard cutout based on some random ‘filter’ assigned to them. People are all individual, and their circumstances are unique.It’s like trying to categorise all single mums, or al Foodbank users, or anyone who inherits millions and then assume they have one personality type, one level of intellignece, one set of personal values.

Some of the opinions on here demonstrate a shocking level of ignorance and immaturity.

JacquesHammer
A man I knew said I was basically a prostitute

Thank goodness a man came along with his manly view to put you straight.

I know! Unfortunately for him I didn't really give a shit what he thought...

Some of the opinions on here demonstrate a shocking level of ignorance and immaturity
Agreed

One of my very good friends doesn't work. She stopped working when her second child was 6 months old and had been diagnosed with a medical problem that meant he needed a lot of care for many months. She didn't think it was fair to him to continue working so she gave up her career to care for him. Her husband was in complete agreement with her decision.

Her son is now 20 and at university but still lives at home as does her other son. She never returned to work but she certainly isn't lazy.
She does all the housework, gardening and cooking. Her husband is in a high powered job and she makes their home life as easy and relaxing for him as possible. Everything connected to the home from general maintenance to the financial side of running the home she does or organises. As he often states, without his wife then his career wouldn't have been so successful and his life much more stressful.
Their marriage is very strong and when you see them together you realise how happy they both are with their partnership.

Compared to my working friends she is much more interesting, probably because she is so well read and up to date with current affairs etc. Also, not working, means her conversation isn't full of trivial gossip about work as it is with many of my working friends.

I do envy my friend and wish I was in her position but alas I'm not financially able to stop working. I also appreciate her as she has helped me out many times with child care when my children were younger and now she often helps my daughter with the care of my grandson..at no financial cost. Good friends are hard to come by and she is one of the best.

How many times have I been asked in RL?honestly hundreds
Usually In the situation of encountering new or unfamiliar women or sometimes socially

It says a lot about the people you socialise with. Mixing with women who berate you for your lifestyle choices? Perhaps they have other issues...because I'm honestly struggling to understand why a woman you meet through an encounter or socialise with would berate you.
They may ask you...but berate you. Really? Im not convinced.

Some waged partners just can’t do their job without the emotional/intellectual/physical/logistical support of their intimate partner.

Nonsense.

If anyone chooses to marry such a person...good luck to them. I wouldn't want a man incapable of working without me. That isn't a fully functioning adult in my book.

I'm certainly not raising my DDs to marry such men.

Were these men not working when they met their partners?

Your unconvinced stance may reflect maybe you’ve never had the face,the head tilt,the widdle ones speech
It’s not up to me to,convince you of something that I have experienced
I’m certainly not unique in what I report

Read this thread
Most mn threads
Someone will post no job is worth missing widdle ones
No one lies of death bed wishing they’d worked more
Blah blah

I think unfairness and financial reliance comes about because there is no financial planning or discussion or sometimes access e.g. to savings. Where allowances are put aside for spending or money invested in pensions specifically for the sahm/w then it can be equal and a partnership - its where they are treated as lesser and not entitled to these things as not "working" it becomes an issue.