Whats you opinion of "stay at home wives"

[strawberryperogi]

After reading another thread about SAHMs I am curious about what people would say about SAHWs, I know you will all say it should just be unemployed but if the person isn't looking for a job then are they really in that catagory?

Could you respect or be friends with a woman who didn't work and earn or at least look after her children?

Just curious!

which may not be an issue if you decide to go back to work and can afford to due to your partner's income, but most definitely is an issue if you're forced to return to work due to relationship breakdown, bereavement or whatever.

You’re not really allowing for marital law.

DH is fifteen years older than me. At the moment is anybody’s guess whether I’ll end up retiring early on medical grounds or being the sole earner for fifteen years.

Neither one of us is going to suddenly get possessive over or start divvying up cash. We didn’t when I was in maternity leave, when he was a sahp, when he launched a business, when I fell ill, when his sector got rocky, when I did my PhD...We just flexed to cover each other.

We legally contracted to be a team, to share, to cover each other’s backs. That’s what we do.

Also, if your situations changed dramatically and you had to become the sole breadwinner - would you be happy to go to work all day every day to pay the bills whilst your husband refused to work so he could indulge in his hobbies/walk the dog/go for coffee/do fuck all?

Wow this person is hilariously bitter. I don't know any SAHW who "refuses to work" by the way. It's going to be a mutual decision that benefits both partners.

I'm not a SAHW but I earn more than DH at present in a career I love. In a few years time if we could afford it and he wanted to give up his job and do all the household stuff (and whatever else he wanted in the leftover time) he could be my guest. Why not?

Lipstick

Of course. We are reliant on people for a lot of things, not only money.
My dh was reliant on me to raise our dc when he was working.
They weren't mine and not his because I was providing the care.
Some families work as a team, and don't choose to have his n her things. Some couples aren't bothered about money as long as bills are being paid.
Some families are happy to be "we" or "us".

don't you feel a bit guilty that your DH spends all day working while you have a lovely hobby filled day?

I don’t feel guilty but I do feel sorry for him when he has a crap day. Me having a crap day too wouldn’t make him feel any better. 🤷🏻‍♀️

MrsKoalas post at 09:33 is interesting. Perhaps I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone because I feel I’ve done useful and worthwhile things in the past.
🤔🤔🤔 Hmm, so even though I said earlier that I didn’t see the need to justify being a SAHW maybe subconsciously I can only enjoy it because of what I’ve done in the past. (Not that it was anything out of the ordinary) .
It’s also true that I wouldn’t have wanted to be a SAHW with no responsibilities when I was younger. I loved my career, I loved raising kids and I loved being a expat ‘trailing spouse’ and now I love being a SAHW. I don’t think I would have appreciated being a SAHW as much if I hadn’t done the other things first.

Wow this person is hilariously bitter. I don't know any SAHW who "refuses to work" by the way. It's going to be a mutual decision that benefits both partners.

I’ll make a shrewd guess that she hasn’t experienced being in a healthy and successful partnership.

I think there are a lot of people on MN who are in marriages where they literally do things like lend each other money, buy their own food and even split the bill if they go out for lunch. I don't know anyone like this in real life, but many on MN really do claim that this is in fact the way they prefer to live and think everyone else should strive to mirror this set up. This is why they simply can't grasp the concept of an arrangement where a couple provide mutual support to each other, albeit through different roles. They just don't get it.

I think there are a lot of people on MN who are in marriages where they literally do things like lend each other money, buy their own food and even split the bill if they go out for lunch

I can't even begin to imagine this! I know couples you keep separate bank accounts for spending money but they have equal spending money in there. I can't imagine being married and not sharing a life together.

For those who are unemployed and living off their husband’s income - would you have married them had they not earned enough to keep you?

I was a couple of years older than my ex. When I met him my earnings far outstripped his. I was happy to support him whilst he set up and got established in his own business. In return he was happy to support me being a SAHM.

Also, if your situations changed dramatically and you had to become the sole breadwinner - would you be happy to go to work all day every day to pay the bills whilst your husband refused to work so he could indulge in his hobbies/walk the dog/go for coffee/do fuck all?

Of course I would have been. I did briefly when we separated. I now earn enough to work part time.

I don't know any SAHW who "refuses to work" by the way. It's going to be a mutual decision that benefits both partners.

I don’t see how it can be of any benefit to the husband if his money is spent on her hobbies/coffee dates/shopping/generally keeping her.

If you’re going to include ridiculous things like cleaning, laundry and cooking for him, he could pay some per hour to do that and save money as it’ll be a drop on the ocean to what he spends keeping his wife for decades.

We’re not talking about SAHMs, that’s the other thread. We’re talking about women that choose to not work and live off their husbands.

And conversely some on mn can’t grasp that couples have separate financial accounts
To the extent when it was last discussed mn,I was told seperate finances isn’t proper.
It’s what flat mates do.apparently.well I’ve never got up the duff by my flatmates
Some folk,they just don’t get it.cant see outside the prism of their own world

I agree that some people have little imagination as how a different choice to theirs is just as good.
I also don't understand the paying for hobbies thing.
Do some people think sahw/m are Stepford clones, with the same hobbies that cost the husbands x amount per week.

Books are free from the library, or cheap in some shops.
keeping fit costs nothing, unless you go to a gym.
My hobby of geneology is funded as a Birthday present every year.
Walking costs nothing, we don't have a dog, but I enjoy the fresh air.
Gardening expenses are family costs, we all enjoy the garden.
I can't think of any of my hobbies that cost my dh or family.
My Clarinet/Sax were presents from Dh (Christmas) and he gives me a free lesson, the same as he would if I'd have worked ft.
I suppose days out cost money, but we usually have dd with us, so that's family cost too.

If the DH is doing a job he hates to provide a certain lifestyle and his DW could make a significant contribution financially to allow him to retire early or work a less demanding job absolutely she should. I think if the DH is actually enjoying his career then presumably he's happy the rest of his life is easy as all the other stuff is taken care of.

I agree with this. If the DH loves his job as much as the DW enjoys her hobbies then it's fair. But surely most situations will be in between, the DH will enjoy his work sometimes but not always, and a financial contribution from the DW would at least take a bit of the pressure off him... I don't know. I fully agree with family money and different contributions being equally worthwhile but I do think both partners should aim to contribute equal amounts of effort/time... I wouldn't be happy if I was the WOHP and my DH spent his days doing hobbies, but perhaps I'm just a very ungenerous person!

I know a couple of stay at home wives and one stay at home husband. Get on well with all of them but then whilst I work (happily) I'm not very ambitious.
I actually find it easier to talk to those of my friends who are less work oriented than those who are more so. We end up in more diverse conversations I guess.

gilly you genuinely sound like a woman child.

If you’re going to include ridiculous things like cleaning, laundry and cooking for him, he could pay some per hour to do that and save money as it’ll be a drop on the ocean to what he spends keeping his wife for decades.

I think your issue is that you don't understand how relationships work. Partners aren't the same as housemates where you each pay exactly your own share. It's a partnership. The House Wife (or husband) usually does way more than domestic work but arranges social stuff, organises holidays, it's not a full time job but I'd definitely like it if I had someone doing all that junk for me.

Secondly the only house wives I know have a particular reason for it. Usually the money he/she could earn is insignificant compared to her partner's often because she has had time off to raise the kids. Unless she has a career she's passionate about it would be pointless for her to get a job. I out earn my husband at the moment and that's fine we're a partnership. I'm more than happy for him to benefit from my career. That's why I married him because I wanted to share a life together.

Oh, I do attend theatres and dd regular concerts, but as dh is usually working and dd needs someone to take her, I don't think my dh would begrudge this cost

I think paying for all the staff required to cover my responsibilities over the years would be a lot more than I have cost dh.
I don't need for much though and don't live for wants.
I suppose some sahw/m have expensive lifestyles, some husbands earn a fortune too.
I only go for a coffee sometimes if I'm clothes shopping, or visiting somewhere, it's very rare. maybe half a dozen times a year.
I have a kettle at home.

All my,you live a v constrained existence if you cannot imagine couples with separate finances
What can’t you imagine?two accounts?2 cards?control over ones own money
I’m an adult I don’t get spending money,I get a salary.and it’s mine
Sharing a life together for me is out kids,shared values,common purpose. It’s not how the bank accounts are arranged

Jellied

At nearly 52, happy with my lot, and never subscribing to a boring life, I'll take that as a compliment.

For those who are unemployed and living off their husband’s income - would you have married them had they not earned enough to keep you?

Also, if your situations changed dramatically and you had to become the sole breadwinner - would you be happy to go to work all day every day to pay the bills whilst your husband refused to work so he could indulge in his hobbies/walk the dog/go for coffee/do fuck all

The erroneous assumptions inherent in these questions are simultaneously hilarious and depressing.

We got engaged when we were students, he hadn’t earned a penny. We bought our first house with a deposit which came entirely from my savings not his.

I married him because I love him. Of course I’d stay married to him if he lost his job or became ill or couldn’t work, to suggest otherwise is fairly offensive.

You are wrong to use the word “refuse” to work. For 75% of our marriage I have worked full time and earned a comparable salary to his. I’ve had two periods not working, when our children were babies, and when we moved to the US (for his career)

I returned to work full time after my period as a SAHM, matching his salary despite the career break. I’ll return to work full time when we move home to the U.K. in the next few years.

Both career breaks have been with his full support. I didn’t refuse to work, we agreed it together.

I could support our family on my salary without a problem.

Do you really imagine that there are lots of resentful men wandering around seething because their wives “refuse” to work? It doesn’t work like that.

No she doesn’t JelliedFeels

Not working whilst a spouse has too, having a gardener and cleaner despite having no job so plenty of time most would describe as lazy and self indulgent.

For a couple of years when dh was first posted abroad by HM Forces, he had a cleaning lady to clean his flat whilst he was at work. He paid for this. I was in UK, teaching full time in a comp, wrangling ds on school runs, marking, and doing all the other crap that comes with teaching, plus dealing with all the domestics, admin etc. Dh only got home once every six weeks or so. I didn't have a cleaner, but had ds, me and 2 cats. Who was self indulgent?

When I threw in the towel and moved abroad as he had further foreign postings, we kept the cleaner on. She has now worked for us for almost 14 years, getting a reliable wage, as I pay when I am away but don't expect her to come in. Given that dh earns far more than she ever will, then why shouldn't we employ her?

Lipstick, but what is the point of the "my money is my money" attitude once kids come along? Surely, most of it goes on the DC anyway? What is the point in keeping track of what's yours and what's his when you are a family? If you don't mind me saying, it sounds like a horribly uptight and depressing way to live. There is absolutely no way, working or not, that I would have children in that situation.

Lipstick
I can see that your decision works for you and I'm not judging you even though the concept seems alien to our set up.
I imagine my dd is going to be pretty similar even though the opposite has been demonstrated to her.
The line of work she wants to go into is renowned for partners financially ripping them off, and at 14 she has this sussed.
This isn't what I'm suggesting with you, but I can see why some people would want to keep finances separate, it's what works for you and your situation.

LipstickHandbagCoffee

That's not what I said I know couples who keep separate accounts. I don't know a single couple (by which I mean married or effectively married) who count the pennies and have significant differences in spending money. I can't imagine living like that with someone I love. I'm the higher earner and wouldn't dream of having luxuries for myself which my DH couldn't afford. Do I then pay him pocket money if he does more round the house and with the kids? What if I wanted a nice holiday and he couldn't afford it? Shall I just go alone? There's more to being married than just living together and having sex. You can live that way if you like I just said I can't imagine living that kind of existence myself. I'd hate it. I want a life partner not a business partner I sleep with.

scaryteacher I don't see why you shouldn't have a cleaner. I have an issue with people who have a cleaner and don't pay them properly but if the working conditions are good you're providing someone with a job which is a good thing.